Taking Inventory

In Al-Anon members are often warned not to "take someone else's inventory." This is a reference to Step 4, in which we make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. There are various ways to accomplish this, including a Step 4 booklet. Another way is to list all of one's favorable characteristics and accomplishments, as well as one's defects of character and mistakes. The inventory is to be balanced between the good and the bad. This is a valuable practice, since we often neglect to acknowledge our strengths and to be honest with ourselves about our weaknesses. But today I question how accurately we can take our own inventory without a moral yardstick. What are we measuring the "good" and the "bad" against? If Jesus isn't the yardstick, then the practice will be questionable at best.

Also, who am I to judge? Looked at in different ways, a personality trait could be labeled either as, say,  leadership skills or bossiness, depending on who is doing the observing, and depending on the situation. The Army captain may be bossy, but if he is yelling at a soldier in order to avoid a bomb, the failure of the soldier to obey may result in his death. Rather than trying to rid oneself of a "defect of character", perhaps the better goal is to transform any trait so that it best serves God. A person with anger issues could learn to channel that energy into fighting an evil, such as social injustice, war or abortion. God can use us just as we are.

Taking another person's inventory is a seductive prospect. God has clearly cast himself as the only judge. Only He knows someone's heart. Yet He does want us to take action to protect the weak and bring people to Him. We do not see suspicious bruises on a child and turn our eyes away. We do not ignore hate crimes, political corruption, or the destruction of the environment. God has given us the task of stewardship, and we must take it seriously. We are required to forgive and to not take into account a wrong suffered. At the same time, our relationships may have to change if we are to keep ourselves and our families from harm, and in order to live a holy life. When we continue to pray and to turn our struggles and suffering over to the care of God, we will be led in the right direction. It is okay to not take action for a time, to patiently wait for God to reveal the next right thing.

If someone is taking your inventory, be aware that you are being asked to get back on the merry-go-round. You can tell this is happening if the person is not putting grace first. They may be right, they may have a good point to make. You may, indeed, have done or said something hurtful. If that is the case, take time to consider what the person has said, and make amends as need be. If you have a complaint against your brother or sister, pray first, and then speak your peace with grace. If you are neither giving nor receiving grace, then the conversation needs to be set aside for another time, lest more harm be done.

This leads me to a consideration of grace. Just what is this mysterious thing, and how does it work? That is a topic soon to come...

A Religious Approach to Recovery

Twelve step groups such as AA are sometimes criticized for being religious programs. An atheist who joins Alcoholics Anonymous may feel like he is being told that he doesn't have to prescribe to any particular religious beliefs, but at the same time he must believe in some sort of Higher Power, God is intrinsic to the program, and the Lord's Prayer is said at meetings. I want to be clear here that my approach to recovery is not only religious, but is specifically Christian, and Catholic in particular. That is not to say that Protestant Christians or people of other faiths could not apply Paths of Grace to their lives. I just want to clarify what this spiritual path is all about for me.

I'm starting from scratch. I can't say whether any of the 12 Step programs actually help people. The 12 Step program may be a cult, may be its own religion, may or may not contradict the teachings of the Church. My inclination right now is to just push the whole thing aside for a time. I have to find my own voice.

What sets apart a great artist from a bad one, or one who is merely mediocre, is authenticity. A poet learns his craft from the model of other great poets, but eventually he has to write the poem that only he can write. The artist who compromises loses integrity. Trying to please everyone, or relate to all, pleases no one, and no one can relate. Paths to Grace is the practice of Catholicism. It's the understanding that there is the family of origin, and there is the Family of God, and Jesus has clearly commanded that His family comes first. Only the primacy of relationship with Him can heal. That is the thing to work on first. That is where I must start.

In my family of origin, and even in the extended family, my voice has repeatedly been silenced. The message is that I should not want attention. I should not feel/believe/act/think/speak without approval. I am not unconditionally valued. If any truth is spoken to me, it is spoken in the absence of grace, and so I further withdraw from certain relationships. I am tired. Tired. Tired. Tired of feeling guilty and not knowing what I am guilty of. Perhaps I am guilty of not being perfect. I am not playing my hero role. I can't beg and plead anymore. It is demeaning and crushes my spirit. Why do we insist on wanting relationships in which we are not wanted? Not only is the ball no longer in my court, I'm off the court. I'm not sitting on the witness stand. I'm closing the case.

Do over! There is but one Truth. That is my only goal. And God has given me a voice to speak it, and a Life in which to live it, as only I can do. Do not be silent. Do not go to your grave having never really lived. What a tragedy. What a comedy. What an empty stage. A rose has thorns for a reason. Find out what the reason is. Be the rose.

"I Understand That's How You Feel"

The title of this post is one of those tools used in Al-Anon for situations in which there is conflict one wishes to diffuse. You can tell the conversation is going nowhere good, or the argument is escalating. Often a person just wants to have his or her feelings validated. To avoid assigning blame, or allowing oneself to be verbally attacked, a phrase such as, "I understand that's how you feel" may take the heat out of the argument. I was so happy when a boyfriend who had once been in the Al-Anon program said this to me when I was upset about something. I thought, finally, a guy who understands how I feel! It is no fun when someone tries to talk you out of your feelings, or tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way. So it would seem that this would be an effective response in a sticky conversation.

Except when it doesn't work. Recently a family member brought up a situation from 2010 in which she did not feel I had handled a problem well enough. Right away there is a red flag if past issues are being brought up, clouding the current issue, which should be the only one receiving attention. My effort to validate her feelings with I understand that's how you feel was rejected. Now not only was a minor problem dug back up from a year and a half ago, but I was then accused of using this Al-Anon tool as a way of not admitting I had done something wrong. She also refused to consider her part in the problem, circumstances which certainly magnified the situation for her.

If someone won't allow you to use your recovery tools, what do you do? I don't know. I did say I was sorry that the problem had occurred, but in hindsight, I might have refused to discuss something that has already been discussed and needs to be let go. At the root of much conflict are expectations. I did not meet this person's expectations that day in 2010. My response, "I understand that's how you feel," did not meet her expectations. And that is none of my business.

What I wish to do is to blog here every day, or most days at least, for awhile. See what solutions come to mind, and as an outlet for my feelings and frustrations. Sometimes what I write here does not meet the expectations of other people. They will even tell me what I should and should not write about. That is another big issue--control. Interestingly, every person who has voiced an objection is either an alcoholic (and/or depressed or mentally ill), is married to one or related in another close way, or both. Perhaps the topics hit too close to home. Ironically, the reactions I have gotten rather prove the points I am trying to make. The reader just may not get what I am attempting to discuss, or misunderstands my intentions, assuming the worst. Assume makes an ass out of u and me. And anger is spread around like a cloud of smoke, suffocating us all, and hurt builds upon hurt.

I really can't win. I can't just write about my life. My life. Or a topic of interest to me. Or express my opinion. And that's my point. No one wins in this toxic game of Who's On First. The need to control, or to be offended, or to assign blame is just too strong. When I read something I don't like, I just quit reading it. I don't show it to someone else and try to stir up trouble. I just figure it isn't any of my business and go on with my life. I wish others would do the same, but I have to accept that they are where they are in their spiritual growth, and I am where I am. To live and let live is a difficult art to master.

I have sometimes responded by editing my posts, or trying to clarify my intentions to these people. In other words, I have allowed the alcoholic/mentally ill/depressed person to pull my strings, the very thing from which I am trying to recover! Really, if these folks read this blog without knowing who wrote it, I doubt they would be offended at all. It seems to never be considered that I may be right about anything.

Well, I am done. I am writing what I write. It's time to get off the merry-go-round. It's time to stop having the crazy making conversations. It's time to stop allowing others to insist that I admit to doing/saying/thinking/feeling something wrong. My hope is that as I get better, others will get better, and what I write here will help someone else. That has been my only intention all along.

Riding Out the Storm

In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie talks about how to avoid being blown about by every wind. For those who are or have been affected by alcoholism or some other dysfunction in a loved one or in their family of origin, it can be difficult not to feel every bump in the road, as if we are suffering from permanent whiplash.

Remember the Bible story, a favorite of children, in which Jesus has fallen asleep on the boat with his disciples when a great storm suddenly begins to rage? His followers wake Jesus up, fearing for their lives. He comments on their lack of faith before quieting the storm. We codependents are not the type to sleep through storms. We are ever alert, ever vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop. If we can only catch it this time, before it hits the floor... We try to solve our problems on our own, without help, divine or otherwise. After all, we are the ones who hold everything together, get everyone to the storm cellar before the tornado hits the farm. But then we find ourselves still outside screaming, "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"

Somehow we must learn to reside in the calm center of the tornado. There is a still place within the storm, and we need to be able to relax in the arms of God while chaos rages all around us. How do we do this? Prayer is the number one answer. Some people also meditate, fast, practice yoga, read the Bible. We need to take care of ourselves and stay in the present moment. If you look up and the sky is not falling, you are okay. Using the tools in the Paths of Grace for recovery will get us there, if we are consistent.

People usually say that it is more common to turn to God during the bad times and forget to pray during the good. But I think the opposite is just as common. When I get stressed out and caught up in a toxic situation, I sometimes neglect to turn to God with my concerns. I get caught on the merry-go-round to the point of puking, but I don't know how to slow it down. If prayer is your daily habit, you will be more inclined to talk to God in every situation, the good, the bad, the ugly--and the beautiful. In future posts I will begin to form a specific outline for Paths of Grace and then explore each path in detail. I hope you continue on this journey of recovery with me.

Alcoholic Family Roles

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/168187-roles-alcoholic-family.html

When I was a senior in high school, a sibling was identified as an alcoholic, and the rest of the family received counseling at the treatment center. The roles each family member takes on were explained, and the above link gives a detailed explanation of each of these roles. These roles occur as coping strategies in a dysfunctional family. At that time I fit the description of the "hero" perfectly. Often this is the oldest child (like me) who sees more clearly than other members the problem that is going on in the family. The hero excels in academics, sports, music, etc..., which makes the family look good and deflects attention from the problem of alcoholism. See, we aren't that bad--look at this other perfect child! And perfectionism, often leading to workaholism, becomes a characteristic of this hero child. The hero follows all the rules, obeys the status quo. As an adult, the hero may distance himself from the family and look elsewhere for the approval he did not receive in his family of origin. The hero only received approval for his accomplishments, not for just being himself. 

 Wonder Woman

The "scapegoat", on the other hand, deflects attention from the alcoholism by getting into other kinds of trouble. According to the above article, alcohol is not identified as an issue; often, the scapegoat is identified as the problem. These roles can continue into adulthood, and it can be very difficult to break these patterns. Other family members may desire that you stay in your role. I broke the status quo by doing things my own way, dancing to the beat of my own drum. While I obeyed the law, achieved higher education as well as schooling for a technical skill, got married, stayed married, and had my child in wedlock, I didn't follow certain expectations, or make decisions others agreed with. I am still the "hero" in that I am more acutely aware that certain situations are unacceptable, dysfunctional, or just not within the realm of a healthy normalcy. I am honest in my feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Others would rather sweep any unpleasantness under the rug. Or the opposite--never let any of my alleged offenses go. So the halo got crooked, then fell off, and my role became more as the scapegoat. And over and over, I get sucked in.

Whether it is alcoholism, drug abuse, clinical depression, or mental illness in your family, it helps to make sense of one's situation by understanding the role one has been assigned. Are you still trapped in it? If you have tried to get off the merry-go-round, do others insist that you stay in your role--or else? Or else rejection, disapproval, criticism, and judgment? If you change, others are forced to change their relationship with you, and that makes people uncomfortable. Even if the alcoholic gets sober or you no longer live with the dysfunctional situation, the family dynamics may not have been allowed to change, heal and improve. It seems that each time I think progress is being made, a new version of the same old stuff raises its ugly head. Perhaps timing is part of the problem. If a member grows up and leaves for college, gets married and moves away, or something like that, his family of origin may not be able to relate to him as the adult he then becomes. They still see him as he was at 18 or whenever the separation occurred. His family doesn't really know or understand the person he is today, and he unconsciously may revert to his previous position in the family, stuck like a skip in a vinyl record album. Or perhaps just because he lives far away, he may be an easy scapegoat for problems occurring at the home base.

"Everything beautiful is the Lord," a wise old woman once told me. If it's ugly, it isn't the Lord. It's the other guy doing his secret evil to drag you to hell. Just don't go there. It's time for a radical shift, and I am the only one who can make it happen for me (super hero cape or not)!

Another Look at Detachment

de·tach·ment  (d-tchmnt)n.

1. The act or process of disconnecting or detaching; separation.

2. The state of being separate or detached.

3. Indifference to or remoteness from the concerns of others; aloofness: preserved a chilly detachment in his relations with the family.

4. Absence of prejudice or bias; disinterest: strove to maintain her professional detachment in the case.

These are the definitions of detachment given by an online dictionary. I have always had mixed feelings about the concept and practice of detachment, and I am beginning to understand why. My first sponsor in Al-Anon, who was also a member of AA, instructed me to read all the pages on detachment in the program literature as my first assignment. Detachment was regularly a topic brought up at meetings. I think this was because it was such a difficult idea to understand and just as hard to practice. When emotions run high, when the walls are crumbling all around you, such emotional distancing and separation from others can seem impossible. In a way, it is. A qualification was then given to this task; that is, to detach with love. But being both loving and aloof seems counterintuitive. However, by detached the program does not mean to suggest that one be unfeeling as the above definitions might suggest. 

We must find a way not to be so involved in the alcoholism and problems of others, to take care of ourselves and not lose our serenity when dealing with overwhelming difficulties and toxic, volatile relationships. My conclusion? One cannot detach on one's own, and detachment is not even a worthy goal if it is focusing on a negative. Rather than willing oneself to achieve complete emotional separation, my belief is that there is only one way out of our problems. We must become attached to God alone. In this way only will we be able to set our boundaries, mind our own business, and remain spiritually healthy. Our only hope is to rest in God. I have revised my previous post, Suffering and Detachment, to better clarify these ideas.

So this is the new slogan I suggest: Attachment to God alone. If we are attached to God, we abide in Love. There is no separation; we are all one in the Lord. Perhaps this was the goal when detachment became the prescription of the day, but it ultimately left me adrift, a ship with no anchor. And eventually I get fed up, frustrated, overcome with grief or anger, and/or physically ill as a result of toxic circumstances and relationships. Only a saint can practice detachment in any situation, and most of us won't reach the level of sainthood in this lifetime. But we can take a contemplative approach to recovery and begin to learn detachment in a particularly Christian way and apply it with Divine Love to our troubling situations. Our anchor is the Lord. This is the basis for Paths to Grace. And in this blog I hope to channel the will of God, that He might provide the tools to carry this out, that our paths will be made straight and clear, with no confusion or ambiguity left to impede complete healing. 

Re-Evaluating the Twelve Steps

Many people have recently looked at the original post for this blog, titled "The Twelve Steps--A Catholic Perspective", so I think it's time to define my purpose and intentions again. The "program" I have been slowly developing has as its base God's Grace, rather than a set of steps. I have been reflecting upon various slogans, ideas, and practices regarding what I personally experienced as a member of Al-Anon for 10 years and what I observed as the close family member and friend of a number of alcoholics. My feeling now is that something new is taking shape, and that I may not be making a systematic re-evaluation (and potential re-writing) of the 12 Steps after all (although I will continue to loosely do this as I have been). Those steps help many people and can be a springboard for sobriety, healing, and a better way of life. I still use some of the tools I learned in Al-Anon which do not conflict with my religious beliefs. But I left the program to search for that Something More that the program can't offer, and then I began to be aware of what its specific limitations are, which is part of what I have been writing about here. My goal now is to illuminate alternative paths to healing, rather than to reinvent the wheel.

In Al-Anon I was told that all the answers to my problems were to be found in the 12 Steps. But what is interesting is the fact that the "step meetings" were the least attended of all types. For example, if the first Sunday of each month was designated by a group to be a meeting to study a particular step, there was a noticeable difference in the number of people who would come that week. The step meeting involves readings out of books about the step in question, and each reader then comments--or not--on what he or she has read. So why weren't these meetings as popular? Evidently, what people really want and need is to talk. They want to choose their own topics, tell others their problems, and listen to the answers. They want the personal experiences of the people sitting in the room. They want their own experiences and feelings validated, to know that they aren't alone. They want talk therapy.

That doesn't mean the steps weren't important to them, and some people really appreciated getting more deeply into a discussion of a step. It just wasn't, perhaps, the main thing that drew them to the program. Some steps seemed difficult to understand, and there is no absolute teaching on them. "Take what you like and leave the rest" sounds good in theory, but you may be leaving out something essential, and taking something that in reality is a bitter pill. It wasn't unusual for a person to get "stuck" on a step and never progress to the next. It is taken for granted that the 12 Step model is the most effective, and so many other  groups have adopted it, such as Overeaters Anonymous. Such programs work for some people, to a certain extent. I think for now I will just continue on as I have been, writing as I am inspired, and relaying the insights I have gained. Only time will tell what form the new path will take!

Daily Mass & the Eucharist

The pastor in my local parish is also the pastor for a nearby town. I called him there this morning, and the church secretary said he was on his way to give the Mass where I live. So I just went to Mass today and spoke with him afterward. I was glad, because I was out of town over the weekend and didn't make it to church. The daily Mass is only about 20 minutes long, as opposed to about 50 minutes on Sunday. There was no music and only a small gathering of people. Yet it was what I needed today, just to be in church and turn my attention to the presence of God as much as possible. Although I have not been through RCIA yet and so cannot take the bread and wine of the Eucharist, I still go through the line and receive a blessing. I can feel the Real Presence even though I can't eat and drink of it, and I believe that I receive Jesus because of my intention.

When a person joins Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon, members encourage him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. In a city like Columbus where I used to live, that could be done fairly easily, as there are meetings at every time of day. I used to go to Al-Anon on my lunch breaks. How fortunate Catholics are that we can attend Mass every day if we so desire, even in rural areas and small towns. Some are very early in the morning, so one could go before work. I don't discourage anyone from attending a 12 Step meeting if it helps him or her. But for the most profound healing and the ultimate closeness to God, nothing can compare with the Eucharist. I desire it so much that it takes all the patience I have in me to wait. But even if you aren't Catholic, just being there in church, reminding you to be conformed to Christ (and through Mary if you wish), is going to strengthen your faith, bless you, and keep you from temptation. Try daily Mass, in addition to Sundays, as often as you can. What a difference 90 consecutive days partaking in the Real Presence of our Lord would make! Jesus within you, all around you, and in all things. 

Then Jesus said to them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in me, and I in him" (John 7: 53-56). Jesus says nearly the same thing four times in a row, so that the point cannot be missed. Whenever He was being metaphorical, Jesus always explained His symbolism (ie., building one's house upon the rock alludes to faith rather than a physical dwelling place). He does not ever suggest that He is comparing one thing to another, and so the blood and flesh here is literal. Since He said at the Last Supper, "This is my body" when He broke the bread, and "This is my blood" when He poured the wine, it can be taken no other way than that the bread and wine are miraculously transformed into the body and blood of Christ. Here is your one, true source of power,  healing, and spiritual nourishment!

The Source of Healing

Psalm 103:2-5
Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise.

Matthew 9 (NIV)
Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town. ² Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”
³ At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is blaspheming!”
⁴ Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? ⁵ Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? ⁶ But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “Get up, take your mat and go home.” ⁷ Then the man got up and went home. ⁸ When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such authority to man.

 by Louis Jean-Jacques Durameau

These are only a few of the many Bible verses on healing. The source of all healing is the Lord. Whether it is physical, psychological, spiritual, or emotional healing that one needs--and many times it is a combination of these--the restoration of health and wholeness comes from God. Notice in these passages that forgiveness of iniquities (sins) and salvation are inherent to the process of healing. When Jesus heals the paralyzed man, He says, "Your sins are forgiven," and the man walks away rejoicing. There is no separation between body and spirit. Jesus is the original holistic healer!

Meditating upon such verses of healing, as well as praying for the healing of either yourself or another person, is powerful and effective when done with faith, such as the men who bring their paralyzed friend to Jesus possess. They exhibit no doubt that if they can get their friend to Jesus, He will heal him, and they don't let the crowd blocking their way prevent their mission. They go so far as to cut a hole in the roof of the house and lower him down! We must all have such great faith. We can let nothing prevent us from our relationship with Jesus and the healing He is waiting to provide. He sent the Holy Spirit also to guide and comfort us and strengthen our faith, and that divine Comforter dwells within us when we are baptized in water and in the Spirit.

Alcoholism is often referred to as a "cunning and baffling" disease. But isn't such anthropomorphic language attributing too much power to a disease? After all, alcoholism is not a conscious being, and neither is mental illness, drug or other addiction, or depression. However, there is one who is cunning and wishes to baffle  and destroy us, and he is Satan. I think he would rather that we forget all about him while he is busy with his works of evil. No doubt he is there when the alcoholic drinks, he is there when the pornography addict surfs the web, he is there when we fight with our spouse or other family members, and he is there to encourage us to lose faith and hope in times of sickness, affliction, and suffering. He doesn't want us taking our friends to Jesus to have them healed and forgiven. He is the master of deception.

When you pray the Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary, added by Pope John Paul II, the 3rd Mystery of Light is the "Declaration of the Kingdom."  Jesus declared that the Kingdom of God is at hand, not somewhere in the distant past or far ahead in the future. It is right now. He went from town to town preaching the good news and healing all manner of illness and sorrow. He cast out demons, and he withstood all of the devil's temptations. So as you pray the Rosary, meditate upon these healing works of the Lord, those that fill us with the light of God, and know and believe that they are yours. There is no "program" created by men that will do the trick. We are healed and forgiven only by grace and the authority of Jesus. There is no completion of sobriety or soundness of mind, body, and spirit that will endure except through the power of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit; that is, salvation by membership in the family of God.