Nothing More than Feelings

You may remember the 1970s sad love song, "Feelings" by Morris Albert.  Here is an excerpt:

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
trying to forget my feelings of love."

I'm sure you can also find this on youtube!  When I graduated from high school, my parents gave me a beautiful wooden jewelry box.  My dad told me that he had chosen it and that it played "Feelings".  It was an especially meaningful gift, because my younger brother was in a 28 day rehab program for alcoholism, so he was not at my graduation or party.  One day after an Al-Anon meeting, I was driving home and started crying like a guest on Barbara Walters' talk show.  The tears would not stop flowing.  For 15 years I had not fully grieved the absence of my brother on that special day.  High school graduation was bittersweet for me, and I went to live with my grandparents that summer before starting college.  I still have the jewelry box, 25 years later!

Recently on a Catholic radio station I heard the program host say that just because you still have feelings regarding a painful situation does not mean that you have not forgiven the person who caused the suffering.  I was relieved to hear this, because I was pretty sure I had forgiven a particular person in my life, but sometimes the hurt would come flooding back.  I just kept praying for the willingness to forgive and for the healing of my broken heart.

Feelings are transitory, and they actually have little to do with Love.  If we read 1 Corinthians 13, we learn that Love is not a  feeling, but rather a state of being.  Please allow me to be an English nerd for a moment.  After the word Love in this Bible passage, the word is (or is not) always follows.  Love is patient, love is kind, etc... "Is" is a form of the root infinitive, to be.  Nowhere in this famous treatise on Love does it mention it being contingent upon feeling a certain way.  Love is ultimately about selflessness, sacrifice, and commitment, and it is unconditional.  We also know that God is Love and that those who do not love do not know God.  "Beloved, let us love one another..." (1 John 4: 7,8)

So when we forgive those whom we love (which includes our enemies, for which we have no fuzzy feelings), we may still feel the occasional sting of their wrongdoing (at least, they were wrong from our perspective).  Continuous resentment, on the other hand, usually tells us that we have not yet forgiven.  But perhaps forgiveness is a process and is not accomplished all at once, in a single moment in time.  It helps to realize that we hurt ourselves the most when we won't forgive, and we do feel so much better when we can put our sorrow in the past.  First love, then forgive.  Only then are we free to come to The Lamb's Supper and be healed by the body and blood of our Lord.

Contemplative Approach to Recovery

This blog was first called "Catholic Twelve Steps" and later, "Paths to Grace".  With a new look and a new name, Garland of Grace Recovery Page, I want to once again pull focus and better define the shape this page is taking. Originally I thought I might draw up a new set of 12 Steps for recovery from a Catholic perspective, but as I have been writing, I have basically set aside that idea altogether. Instead, I have reflected upon what I have learned of Catholic teachings so far and applied that, along with the helpful tools I picked up as a long-time member of Al-Anon, to provide an alternative approach to healing. I have brought out the limitations of programs such as AA and Al-Anon and am proposing that a traditional Catholic way of living the sacramental life holds the fullest possibility of permanent sobriety and restoration of wholeness.

There is still much questioning to be done regarding the assumptions of the 12 Steps and teachings of Alcoholics Anonymous, upon which Al-Anon is based. I feel led now to a contemplative approach to solutions for both the addicts and those loved ones affected by such illnesses as alcoholism (and those conditions sometimes concurrently present, such as mental illness and depression).

Contemplation is defined as a) concentration on spiritual things as a form of devotion, and b) a state of mystical awareness of God's being.  For me, such contemplation ultimately relies upon Marian devotion, the "old school" devotion advocated by St. Louis de Montfort, of the to Jesus through Mary tradition. My personal practice of Catholicism also centers on the contemplation of Holy Wisdom and the wisdom tradition found in the Bible in books such as Proverbs, Job, Sirach, and the Wisdom of Solomon. For the fear of the Lord is the root of Wisdom, and by Wisdom we learn to practice true religion.

In my opinion, the contemplative, sacramental life is the supreme path to joy, wholeness, and a state of divine grace. You can begin simply with a daily time of prayer (the Rosary or reading from a Marian prayer book is helpful) and the reading of passages from the Wisdom books and from the Gospels. Regular attendance at Mass is crucial, and this blog will continue to give a more precise shape to the "Paths to Grace" (I will continue to use this particular name) program as we proceed.

With the help that I receive through the love and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, I hope to use my gift of language, by God's grace, to provide hope and understanding to others, as well as to make better sense of my own experiences. We can't expect an exemption from suffering, but we can learn to unite our sorrows to Jesus on the cross. We may not be able to be happy every moment of every day, whether or not the alcoholic is still drinking. But holiness is our goal, not freedom from pain. To drink of the eternal wellspring of joy daily is possible, while happiness will come and go. We must learn to know the difference. Let us not be satisfied with merely being "spiritual" in the new age way of indifferentism. Let us rather bring back Religion and seek the one, holy and apostolic Truth of the Church founded by our Lord and Savior.

Forgiveness and Healing, Continued

Shortly after writing my last post, when I was wondering whether forgiveness or healing comes first, I received an answer. In The Reed of God, Caryll Houselander states that the shortest path to healing is forgiveness. Well, there it is, and it makes sense. As I have written before, when Jesus and the Bible speak of healing, there is usually, if not always, a definite reference to the forgiveness of sins. And how can our own sins be forgiven, and therefore how can we receive healing, if we have not forgiven others? At the same time, I think there is a difference between resentment and grief. There are distinctive stages of grief, and we need to allow ourselves to work through them. Forgiveness may come before the grief subsides completely. We can love someone who has hurt us, and not entirely shut him out, yet give ourselves some time and distance to heal. Forgiveness may not mean an immediate resuming of the previous status of the relationship. Trust may have been broken and needs to be restored.

Recently the husband of someone who hurt me deeply was hospitalized. When I found out, I immediately called her and kept her husband in my prayers. That in itself contributed to my healing. To have ignored her in her time of need would have been truly unloving and unforgiving. I also meditated while praying the Rosary on the unfathomable depth of Jesus' forgiveness, and what horrors Mary also suffered and forgave. In comparison, I have very little to forgive.

So now I am praying for both the grace to forgive as well as my own spiritual healing. I cannot know God's will for all of my relationships, so I have to just turn it over. I have to let go and let God. I have to offer it up, in that classic Catholic way. I still have not put my problem in a "God box", so perhaps I am not ready yet to let it go. But I can pray for the willingness to write it down and tuck it safely away in God's keeping.

Daily Mass & the Eucharist

The pastor in my local parish is also the pastor for a nearby town. I called him there this morning, and the church secretary said he was on his way to give the Mass where I live. So I just went to Mass today and spoke with him afterward. I was glad, because I was out of town over the weekend and didn't make it to church. The daily Mass is only about 20 minutes long, as opposed to about 50 minutes on Sunday. There was no music and only a small gathering of people. Yet it was what I needed today, just to be in church and turn my attention to the presence of God as much as possible. Although I have not been through RCIA yet and so cannot take the bread and wine of the Eucharist, I still go through the line and receive a blessing. I can feel the Real Presence even though I can't eat and drink of it, and I believe that I receive Jesus because of my intention.

When a person joins Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon, members encourage him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. In a city like Columbus where I used to live, that could be done fairly easily, as there are meetings at every time of day. I used to go to Al-Anon on my lunch breaks. How fortunate Catholics are that we can attend Mass every day if we so desire, even in rural areas and small towns. Some are very early in the morning, so one could go before work. I don't discourage anyone from attending a 12 Step meeting if it helps him or her. But for the most profound healing and the ultimate closeness to God, nothing can compare with the Eucharist. I desire it so much that it takes all the patience I have in me to wait. But even if you aren't Catholic, just being there in church, reminding you to be conformed to Christ (and through Mary if you wish), is going to strengthen your faith, bless you, and keep you from temptation. Try daily Mass, in addition to Sundays, as often as you can. What a difference 90 consecutive days partaking in the Real Presence of our Lord would make! Jesus within you, all around you, and in all things. 

Then Jesus said to them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in me, and I in him" (John 7: 53-56). Jesus says nearly the same thing four times in a row, so that the point cannot be missed. Whenever He was being metaphorical, Jesus always explained His symbolism (ie., building one's house upon the rock alludes to faith rather than a physical dwelling place). He does not ever suggest that He is comparing one thing to another, and so the blood and flesh here is literal. Since He said at the Last Supper, "This is my body" when He broke the bread, and "This is my blood" when He poured the wine, it can be taken no other way than that the bread and wine are miraculously transformed into the body and blood of Christ. Here is your one, true source of power,  healing, and spiritual nourishment!

The Source of Healing

Psalm 103:2-5
Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise.

Matthew 9 (NIV)
Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town. ² Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”
³ At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is blaspheming!”
⁴ Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? ⁵ Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? ⁶ But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “Get up, take your mat and go home.” ⁷ Then the man got up and went home. ⁸ When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such authority to man.

 by Louis Jean-Jacques Durameau

These are only a few of the many Bible verses on healing. The source of all healing is the Lord. Whether it is physical, psychological, spiritual, or emotional healing that one needs--and many times it is a combination of these--the restoration of health and wholeness comes from God. Notice in these passages that forgiveness of iniquities (sins) and salvation are inherent to the process of healing. When Jesus heals the paralyzed man, He says, "Your sins are forgiven," and the man walks away rejoicing. There is no separation between body and spirit. Jesus is the original holistic healer!

Meditating upon such verses of healing, as well as praying for the healing of either yourself or another person, is powerful and effective when done with faith, such as the men who bring their paralyzed friend to Jesus possess. They exhibit no doubt that if they can get their friend to Jesus, He will heal him, and they don't let the crowd blocking their way prevent their mission. They go so far as to cut a hole in the roof of the house and lower him down! We must all have such great faith. We can let nothing prevent us from our relationship with Jesus and the healing He is waiting to provide. He sent the Holy Spirit also to guide and comfort us and strengthen our faith, and that divine Comforter dwells within us when we are baptized in water and in the Spirit.

Alcoholism is often referred to as a "cunning and baffling" disease. But isn't such anthropomorphic language attributing too much power to a disease? After all, alcoholism is not a conscious being, and neither is mental illness, drug or other addiction, or depression. However, there is one who is cunning and wishes to baffle  and destroy us, and he is Satan. I think he would rather that we forget all about him while he is busy with his works of evil. No doubt he is there when the alcoholic drinks, he is there when the pornography addict surfs the web, he is there when we fight with our spouse or other family members, and he is there to encourage us to lose faith and hope in times of sickness, affliction, and suffering. He doesn't want us taking our friends to Jesus to have them healed and forgiven. He is the master of deception.

When you pray the Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary, added by Pope John Paul II, the 3rd Mystery of Light is the "Declaration of the Kingdom."  Jesus declared that the Kingdom of God is at hand, not somewhere in the distant past or far ahead in the future. It is right now. He went from town to town preaching the good news and healing all manner of illness and sorrow. He cast out demons, and he withstood all of the devil's temptations. So as you pray the Rosary, meditate upon these healing works of the Lord, those that fill us with the light of God, and know and believe that they are yours. There is no "program" created by men that will do the trick. We are healed and forgiven only by grace and the authority of Jesus. There is no completion of sobriety or soundness of mind, body, and spirit that will endure except through the power of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit; that is, salvation by membership in the family of God.