St. Therese on Self-Defense

"When we are misunderstood and judged unfavorably, what good does it do to defend or explain ourselves? Let the matter drop and say nothing. It's so much better to say nothing and allow others to judge us as they please! We don't see in the Gospel where Mary explained herself when her sister accused her of remaining at Jesus' feet, doing nothing! She didn't say: 'Oh, Martha, if you only knew the joy I am experiencing, if you only heard the words I hear! And besides, it's Jesus who told me to remain here.' No, she preferred to remain silent. O blessed silence that gives so much peace to souls!"  -- St. Therese of Lisieux

 St. Therese of Lisieux, Doctor of the Church

When I read the above quote, I was amazed. It sounded just like advice I had learned in Al-Anon! But Therese lived only 24 years, from 1873-1897, way before the term "alcoholism" existed, certainly before there were any 12 step groups. If someone wanted to know the meaning of detachment, I would point him to St. Therese. But she was a saint, one of the most beloved of all time, we might argue. She is called the "Little Flower of Jesus", for heaven's sake. What hope have we of emulating this French Carmelite nun? But if we want to recover, to be at peace, to live life on our own terms, what choice do we have but to walk the path of the Little Flower? One thing we can do right now is to pray for her intercession! Search your library or the internet and read about this remarkable woman who became so holy is such a short while. She had much more to say.

Notice that Therese's attitude in no way sounds defensive. There is a lightness, just like we perceive in Mary of Bethany. We are not obligated to justify ourselves to anyone, nor to defend ourselves in any way. Defending against a thing makes it real. Therese's (and Mary of Bethany's) only reality was Jesus.

 Mary of Bethany

Much of the time, it is not other people who disappoint us; it is our expectations of them. For example, Renee is hurt because her mother compares her unfavorably to her siblings. She does not live up to her mother's expectations of her. When Renee then feels defensive, she may become unkind, or she may scramble to do the thing that she thinks will satisfy her mother. Such responses will inevitably backfire, and Renee will be living her life to please someone else, or she will behave in a way that makes her not feel good about herself. She will undercut her own self-worth by allowing her mother to find fault with her. Instead, Renee must face the painful truth that she is not unconditionally valued and accepted by her mother, respond as kindly as she can, and resist the urge to be a people pleaser. She must let go of her expectations that her mother will accept her exactly as she is.

Everyone is different, and Renee need not be like her brother or her sister. She only has to be the best Renee that she can be. Competition forced upon siblings, and favoritism shown by a parent, is no less harmful to adults than it is to children. If she takes the advice of St. Therese, Renee can see more clearly that insidious family merry-go-round and walk in the opposite direction, not in a state of anger, grief, or anxiety, but like a child through a field of wildflowers, the breeze playing in her hair.

Becoming like St. Therese and Mary of Bethany is not easy. But if we walk the path of holiness, how can we go wrong? We are the apple of our Father's eye, the beloved of our Blessed Mother. We are all seeds waiting to become Little Flowers. We don't have to respond to the accusations and expectations of others. We can just be. We can wait. We can pray. We can abide in sacred silence and trust that all will be well, if only we let go, empty ourselves, and allow ourselves to be filled with the light of Holy Wisdom--to be free.

A Woman Scorned: On Setting Boundaries

Last night a drunk man said something disrespectful to me.  He failed to honor me and uphold the dignity of my womanhood.  In such cases Al-Anon would recommend the setting of boundaries, refusing to accept unacceptable behavior, having the courage to change the things we can.  Here's what happened.  Before I knew it, the words "How dare you!" flew out of my mouth, and I slapped him--hard--across the face.

This is not the Al-Anon way.  And I don't necessarily advise such actions.  Nor do I necessarily discourage them.  An intoxicated alcoholic is not going to hear, "I don't like it when you say such things to me," no matter how assertively you say it.  There is room in recovery for the honest, gut reaction.  Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a woman scorned, the old adage goes.  It is never a good idea to hit a physically abusive person. You could really get hurt if he retaliates.  But if he is not in a rage, but is rather in a docile but assinine state, the result of a firm slap, as in this case, could be stunned silence and the restoration of some humility.  Such a slap is shorthand for, "Show some respect!"  It was better than throwing myself into a screaming fit.  This was a relatively calm slap, done with some semblance of control.  It isn't easy to make an impression on a drunk man.  Of course, the mature, Christian, Twelve Step response would be to just simply walk away from the situation and discuss it when the man is sober.  That is what I officially advise.  But let me tell you a story.

The last time I slapped a man was 20 (or so) years ago.  I was dating a frat boy in college, and we went to an organized fraternity party, a dance with food, where the guys brought dates.  This was a respectable event, but everyone was drinking.  Well, I had had problems with a member of the fraternity, Haus, for a long time.  He was always picking on me, and he started up again that night.  Now, Haus was a big guy, intimidating.  But my natural, woman-scorned instinct was to haul off and slap that big bully across the shit-eating grin on his face.  I had had enough, and enough is enough.  Haus said nothing.  He was stunned.  And he never bullied me again.  In fact, he bragged about me to anyone who would listen.  He admired me, and we became friends.  A woman with a little bit of Elizabeth Taylor bombshell in her is not a bad thing.  To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.  Perhaps there is even a time for a good, hard slap across the face.

 Liz Taylor

A Sense of Place

A family member visiting my house recently wondered what on earth I like about living in my home town village. Those enjoying the benefits of city or suburban life might be baffled by the decision to leave it all behind for the slower paced lifestyle of a small town. Members of 12 Step programs are warned not to count on a "geographic solution" to one's problems, and I agree, at least in part. Wherever you go, there you are, and your problems with addiction, or marital turmoil, or tensions with family members will not just disappear because you change location.

In fact, some problems could be even worse. I moved here instead of to the city where my family of origin lives, and that is now apparently a soar spot. But here in my home town I have many extended family members, and family was something I really missed while living in Columbus. Also, friends were very spread out all over the city, so it would take about 20 minutes to drive to see anyone, often in congested traffic, and it wasn't feasible therefore to just drop in on someone. You might drive all that way and find them not at home! Making plans around people's hectic schedules was difficult. So while we lived among millions, we felt isolated.

A sense of place and community can be found in a small town. It is safer, cleaner, and much, much more quiet. Nature is available in mere minutes, and we know that time in nature is crucial to well being and good health. And we do have culture. We aren't just a bunch of hicks! My town opened an ArtSpace to feature local artists and offer a place for entertainment and education. The county fair grounds are in my town, and so is the county Historical Society. History and genealogy are popular cultural interests here. The cost of living is also much lower. The historic home I live in here would have been half a million dollars in Columbus. And our Parks and Recreation department and library provide many wonderful programs for children and adults at affordable prices.

It is in this town that all of my grandparents live, and that alone would be a good enough reason to be here. But in addition, I met Mary, Mother of my Lord, in this town. I found the Catholic Church and finally feel that I am experiencing the fullness of the Christian faith. We are part of a homeschooling community, and the Vintage Homes Club, and I am the secretary for our chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution. I teach belly dancing, which I most likely would not have done in the city, and my troupe is enthusiastically received everywhere we perform. We have very good friends who we spend quality time with. The neighborhood children flock to my house!

Life is fuller, richer, and more meaningful for having moved to an area with a strong sense of place, of history, of belonging. There have been bumps in the road, to be sure. Sometimes people, especially family, can become a little too involved in my life, and they do not realize that after living away for decades, they do not know me the way they think they do, and vice versa. Relationships take time, effort, compassion, and understanding to develop and grow. And there are those who live here and do not have much of a life, so other people's business becomes too much of a focus. Nowhere is perfect. But sometimes the geographic solution to problems is not such a bad idea. Some places resonate with us. They feel like home.