Part of the
forgiveness process is being able to forget. If you continue to struggle with a
particular incident, just take it to prayer and ask God to give you the grace to
forgive as he forgives.
— from Marriage 911
A member of AA I know once distinguished between the forgiving and the forgetting. He seemed to think that although one might forgive another person, the offense could still be kept in mind. The slate would not be washed entirely clean. Perhaps this was because one might need to remember that another person had been untrustworthy, for example, and to protect oneself from future lies and deception. Therefore, the offense could be pardoned but not forgotten.
What does the Bible say on this? 1 Corinthians 13 asserts that Love (Charity) does not take into account a wrong suffered. Also, in the Lord's Prayer, we ask forgiveness of our trespasses exactly in proportion to how much we have forgiven others theirs. To my mind, this means that if you are still keeping tabs, then you have not really forgiven. Sure, no one wants to be duped, to be made a fool of twice. Love does not ask us to be oblivious, but to be entirely forgiving nonetheless. And sometimes it is hard not to bring out the dirty laundry of the past when a similar event occurs again. "You are always like this," we might say to the offender. We use the past as evidence of a habitual crime. But the truth is, the past is gone. If Jesus has forgiven it, then He doesn't remember it. That's a fact. And we are to emulate Him in this as in everything else. Forgive and forget are an indivisible pair. So leave the dirty water under the bridge where it belongs, and deal with each issue on its own present merits, one day at a time.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Blog Management & Comment Policy
Just like with any other endeavor, learning how to best manage a blog is a matter of trial and error. There are plenty of etiquette tips out there, and one good suggestion I came across is to establish a comment policy. Negative comments are, unfortunately, a likelihood, so setting down how you will deal with them is important. First of all, the general consensus is to allow dissenting views. I agree with this, but I also think boundaries are necessary to maintain a professional quality blog. Personal attacks do not belong on either the blog page or in its comments. Regardless of how carefully you try to word the views you are expressing via your blog, you cannot control what may offend another person.
I recommend regularly editing your blog content to best reflect your theme in a nonconfrontational manner, without watering down your posts and thus interfering with the integrity of your writing. Say what you have to say clearly and succinctly. Specific examples are more effective than generalized comments, so complete anonymity is not possible, nor should your readers expect it, if you are writing about your own life. It is a delicate balance, and only the continued experience of writing will achieve the desired results. Be as careful as you can with the tone of your blog, while understanding that the tone you intend and how a reader takes it may not be the same. The tone of the comments you allow should also be respectful and polite. So here is my policy:
1. My blog is my space, and I have the right to moderate all comments before choosing to post or not to post. All comments have been placed on the moderation setting, to be previewed before potential posting.
2. Polite, respectful differences of opinion will be allowed, but no personal attacks or attacks against any group of people, foul language, or comments of a nature that I deem inappropriate for whatever reason will be published.
3. Only blog members will be able to comment if the policies of the blog are not generally respected, or the comments option may be turned off entirely. I have experienced cases of people I personally know using fake names in order to start arguments and personally attack me, so this policy calls for a higher level of accountability by the commenter.
4. While I post blog links to Facebook to extend readership, I prefer comments to be made at the blog website itself, where they can be moderated. My feeling is that negativity and comments of a personal nature, as well as extended conversations and arguments, create an unprofessional atmosphere. Also, unless one has read the post, comments viewed on Facebook will not make sense.
5. I reserve the right to delete any comments from my Facebook wall, with no explanation.
6. Comments most likely to be published are those in reflection of the specific content of the post. I welcome opinions on the work itself.
7. My blog falls into the literary genre of the personal essay, and therefore is a work of creative nonfiction, not to be expected to be strictly factual like a newspaper article. My posts are opinion pieces from my personal perspective on a particular theme, reflecting my own experiences and supported at times by professional or factual information. A balanced approached to possible sides of any issue is not to be expected. Comments should reflect an understanding of this nature of the blog.
8. These policies are subject to change at any time by the author of this blog, so check back if you have questions.
I recommend regularly editing your blog content to best reflect your theme in a nonconfrontational manner, without watering down your posts and thus interfering with the integrity of your writing. Say what you have to say clearly and succinctly. Specific examples are more effective than generalized comments, so complete anonymity is not possible, nor should your readers expect it, if you are writing about your own life. It is a delicate balance, and only the continued experience of writing will achieve the desired results. Be as careful as you can with the tone of your blog, while understanding that the tone you intend and how a reader takes it may not be the same. The tone of the comments you allow should also be respectful and polite. So here is my policy:
1. My blog is my space, and I have the right to moderate all comments before choosing to post or not to post. All comments have been placed on the moderation setting, to be previewed before potential posting.
2. Polite, respectful differences of opinion will be allowed, but no personal attacks or attacks against any group of people, foul language, or comments of a nature that I deem inappropriate for whatever reason will be published.
3. Only blog members will be able to comment if the policies of the blog are not generally respected, or the comments option may be turned off entirely. I have experienced cases of people I personally know using fake names in order to start arguments and personally attack me, so this policy calls for a higher level of accountability by the commenter.
4. While I post blog links to Facebook to extend readership, I prefer comments to be made at the blog website itself, where they can be moderated. My feeling is that negativity and comments of a personal nature, as well as extended conversations and arguments, create an unprofessional atmosphere. Also, unless one has read the post, comments viewed on Facebook will not make sense.
5. I reserve the right to delete any comments from my Facebook wall, with no explanation.
6. Comments most likely to be published are those in reflection of the specific content of the post. I welcome opinions on the work itself.
7. My blog falls into the literary genre of the personal essay, and therefore is a work of creative nonfiction, not to be expected to be strictly factual like a newspaper article. My posts are opinion pieces from my personal perspective on a particular theme, reflecting my own experiences and supported at times by professional or factual information. A balanced approached to possible sides of any issue is not to be expected. Comments should reflect an understanding of this nature of the blog.
8. These policies are subject to change at any time by the author of this blog, so check back if you have questions.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Vicious Cycle of Reproach
Psalm 15 says that the one who may dwell with the Lord does not backbite with his tongue, nor does he take up a reproach against his friend. Jesus echoes this with replacing the "eye for an eye" attitude with the "turn the other cheek" solution. But surely, we should not allow another person to accuse us falsely or tear us down! We must be allowed to defend ourselves, must we not? Hmmm...
Let me start with a true story. I was once upset with my old boyfriend, Sandy, and I was telling him off for whatever the alleged offense was, which I now can't recall. He said nothing. Instead, Sandy sat right next to me and gently rubbed his hand across my back as I railed at him. He comforted me. The result was profound. I felt the anger drain away from me, and I received a healing I had needed for years. In the past I was engaged to a young man who had regularly invalidated my feelings, said my feelings were "bullshit." Sandy validated my feelings not with words, but with his compassionate presence. He simply held my space. And I, given the freedom to express myself, ended up realizing I was being a silly goose and should not have gotten so worked up in the first place. Does this mean that Sandy let me make a punching bag out of him? Quite the contrary. His inner strength and confidence made themselves undeniably present, even in complete silence. He was no cowering wimp.
Sandy was a wiser, more self-possessed person than me or most people I have known. Usually the scenario goes something like this. Sharon reproaches Jenny for some alleged offense. In her defense, Jenny reproaches Sharon for her judgement against her. Then Sharon reproaches Jenny with further evidence of her wrong doing, and back and forth, until all manner of evil things have been said, on both sides. So Tami comes along and reproaches Sharon for reproaching Jenny, or she reproaches Jenny for reproaching Sharon, and soon so many fingers are pointing in different directions that no rhyme or reason or anything good can come of it, and they are all equally guilty. But surely Sharon is the most guilty, because she started it, right? I wish. But the truth is, had Sandy attacked me back in the above scenario, he would be as much to blame for the problem between us.
But we need to write the hurtful letter, or make the angry phone call, even though we know it will be hurtful, because we have to get it off our chest, right? The other person must be made to know that she is wrong, yes? No. It's none of my business whether someone else knows or admits he is wrong or not. It is not my business to judge whether he is wrong; by the command of God, I must refrain, for God says clearly that judgment is His domain, and His alone. I can tell someone how I feel, avoiding the accusatory "you did this, said that" type of inflammatory communication. Then I am required to let go of his or her response. It is none of my business. I can simply not argue. "I understand that's how you feel. Thank you for sharing." That is all that is necessary. If I try to prove the other person wrong, or if I repeat what I have already said, I have entered into a need to control someone else, and that is entirely my problem.
If you must get whatever it is off your chest, you can do that by praying. That is the best way. You can also write in your journal, or write the letter and then burn it, or confess to your pastor, or do a Fourth Step inventory (to determine your part in the problem), or share your feelings with your spouse or a trusted friend who will not make things worse by trying to fix your feelings or your situation. Someone who will simply listen, and validate your feelings without blaming anyone, is your best bet. That perfect person, again, would be God. The Blessed Mother is also especially good at comforting.
And a final word is to keep your conflict private. Do not purposely draw others into your battle, trying to get someone else on your side to "prove" you are right--and another is wrong--by saying that "so-and-so" also thinks the other person is mean, or lazy, or a thief or liar or whatever the alleged crime may be. It is the one who swears to his own hurt but does not change (in his righteousness) that may dwell with the Lord. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will inherit the kingdom of God. I am not all the way there yet, but I want to be that guy, don't you?
Let me start with a true story. I was once upset with my old boyfriend, Sandy, and I was telling him off for whatever the alleged offense was, which I now can't recall. He said nothing. Instead, Sandy sat right next to me and gently rubbed his hand across my back as I railed at him. He comforted me. The result was profound. I felt the anger drain away from me, and I received a healing I had needed for years. In the past I was engaged to a young man who had regularly invalidated my feelings, said my feelings were "bullshit." Sandy validated my feelings not with words, but with his compassionate presence. He simply held my space. And I, given the freedom to express myself, ended up realizing I was being a silly goose and should not have gotten so worked up in the first place. Does this mean that Sandy let me make a punching bag out of him? Quite the contrary. His inner strength and confidence made themselves undeniably present, even in complete silence. He was no cowering wimp.
Sandy was a wiser, more self-possessed person than me or most people I have known. Usually the scenario goes something like this. Sharon reproaches Jenny for some alleged offense. In her defense, Jenny reproaches Sharon for her judgement against her. Then Sharon reproaches Jenny with further evidence of her wrong doing, and back and forth, until all manner of evil things have been said, on both sides. So Tami comes along and reproaches Sharon for reproaching Jenny, or she reproaches Jenny for reproaching Sharon, and soon so many fingers are pointing in different directions that no rhyme or reason or anything good can come of it, and they are all equally guilty. But surely Sharon is the most guilty, because she started it, right? I wish. But the truth is, had Sandy attacked me back in the above scenario, he would be as much to blame for the problem between us.
But we need to write the hurtful letter, or make the angry phone call, even though we know it will be hurtful, because we have to get it off our chest, right? The other person must be made to know that she is wrong, yes? No. It's none of my business whether someone else knows or admits he is wrong or not. It is not my business to judge whether he is wrong; by the command of God, I must refrain, for God says clearly that judgment is His domain, and His alone. I can tell someone how I feel, avoiding the accusatory "you did this, said that" type of inflammatory communication. Then I am required to let go of his or her response. It is none of my business. I can simply not argue. "I understand that's how you feel. Thank you for sharing." That is all that is necessary. If I try to prove the other person wrong, or if I repeat what I have already said, I have entered into a need to control someone else, and that is entirely my problem.
If you must get whatever it is off your chest, you can do that by praying. That is the best way. You can also write in your journal, or write the letter and then burn it, or confess to your pastor, or do a Fourth Step inventory (to determine your part in the problem), or share your feelings with your spouse or a trusted friend who will not make things worse by trying to fix your feelings or your situation. Someone who will simply listen, and validate your feelings without blaming anyone, is your best bet. That perfect person, again, would be God. The Blessed Mother is also especially good at comforting.
And a final word is to keep your conflict private. Do not purposely draw others into your battle, trying to get someone else on your side to "prove" you are right--and another is wrong--by saying that "so-and-so" also thinks the other person is mean, or lazy, or a thief or liar or whatever the alleged crime may be. It is the one who swears to his own hurt but does not change (in his righteousness) that may dwell with the Lord. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will inherit the kingdom of God. I am not all the way there yet, but I want to be that guy, don't you?
Monday, April 16, 2012
Progress, Not Perfection
I was often comforted by the slogan, "progress, not perfection" in the rooms of Al-Anon. Perfectionism can be a problem for the family and friends of alcoholics, for any number of reasons. We may want our homes to appear "normal" to others. We may suffer from low self-esteem or be afraid others will not like us or want to be our friends because of our alcoholic circumstances. Many in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon also grew up with alcoholic parents, sometimes suffering various forms of abuse. Some have been raped or molested or been victims of incest. They have lived in such continuous fear that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Members of Al-Anon come to realize that their suffering has resulted in an obsessive need for control, because so much in life has been chaotic for them. They learn that in their quest for healing and ways to cope, they are allowed the grace to "do the program messy."
In others words, it is okay to make mistakes. If you lose your temper, or say something hurtful, or react to problems in a way that is unhealthy, you can make amends to yourself and others and try again. Recovery from the effects of alcoholism is not a test to be passed with flying colors, with a big A+ and a smiley face sticker. Two steps forward, one step back is more the pattern of progress.
When I write here about my experiences, it is not out of anger and resentment, but rather a desire to understand myself and others better, to raise questions that are important to me, and to offer insights and possible solutions. I can't do this without expressing what happened. My tone may not come across the way I intend to someone else, but I do my best to be clear and to write with the highest integrity. God knows my heart, and He knows yours. He doesn't expect us to be perfect. That's why Jesus came, so we could be perfected in Him. That is why he sent the Holy Spirit in His place, to dwell within us to achieve that perfection of grace that is available in the family of God.
If someone becomes angry with you or is offended by you, your first instinct might be to fix his feelings. You may feel that you somehow failed to be perfect, and begin to doubt yourself. You may try to talk him out of feeling the way he feels. While we certainly need to speak and act responsibly, feelings do get hurt unintentionally, misunderstandings do occur, and we and others do make mistakes. That is okay. It does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, although in some cases the relationship will need to change or discontinue. You cannot fix or control someone else's feelings. People choose to react the way they do. Often a negative response is just their "stuff"; it doesn't really have anything to do with you. We really don't have the power to make someone feel or react in any particular way. I am glad I am not so powerful!! Compassion, compassion, compassion. For yourself and for others. A wise friend of mine once said that when someone is hardest to love, that is when she needs love the most.
It is apparent to me that many people would prefer to keep relationships shallow, to stay on the safe surface of things. Talk about hairstyles, the weather, work, TV shows and movies. It is a real conversation stopper when people bring up a television program, and I say, "I don't have TV at my house." People don't feel comfortable talking about what is Real, especially if it is painful. I may be worn thin like the velveteen rabbit, but at least I have the promise of someday being a Real Bunny. And so do you. Applaud your progress, and let the Lord perfect you in His time. Last night while praying the Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary, I repeated before each Hail Mary on the Coming of the Holy Spirit decade, "The Holy Spirit dwells in me" and "I am perfected in the Holy Spirit."
In others words, it is okay to make mistakes. If you lose your temper, or say something hurtful, or react to problems in a way that is unhealthy, you can make amends to yourself and others and try again. Recovery from the effects of alcoholism is not a test to be passed with flying colors, with a big A+ and a smiley face sticker. Two steps forward, one step back is more the pattern of progress.
When I write here about my experiences, it is not out of anger and resentment, but rather a desire to understand myself and others better, to raise questions that are important to me, and to offer insights and possible solutions. I can't do this without expressing what happened. My tone may not come across the way I intend to someone else, but I do my best to be clear and to write with the highest integrity. God knows my heart, and He knows yours. He doesn't expect us to be perfect. That's why Jesus came, so we could be perfected in Him. That is why he sent the Holy Spirit in His place, to dwell within us to achieve that perfection of grace that is available in the family of God.
If someone becomes angry with you or is offended by you, your first instinct might be to fix his feelings. You may feel that you somehow failed to be perfect, and begin to doubt yourself. You may try to talk him out of feeling the way he feels. While we certainly need to speak and act responsibly, feelings do get hurt unintentionally, misunderstandings do occur, and we and others do make mistakes. That is okay. It does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, although in some cases the relationship will need to change or discontinue. You cannot fix or control someone else's feelings. People choose to react the way they do. Often a negative response is just their "stuff"; it doesn't really have anything to do with you. We really don't have the power to make someone feel or react in any particular way. I am glad I am not so powerful!! Compassion, compassion, compassion. For yourself and for others. A wise friend of mine once said that when someone is hardest to love, that is when she needs love the most.
It is apparent to me that many people would prefer to keep relationships shallow, to stay on the safe surface of things. Talk about hairstyles, the weather, work, TV shows and movies. It is a real conversation stopper when people bring up a television program, and I say, "I don't have TV at my house." People don't feel comfortable talking about what is Real, especially if it is painful. I may be worn thin like the velveteen rabbit, but at least I have the promise of someday being a Real Bunny. And so do you. Applaud your progress, and let the Lord perfect you in His time. Last night while praying the Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary, I repeated before each Hail Mary on the Coming of the Holy Spirit decade, "The Holy Spirit dwells in me" and "I am perfected in the Holy Spirit."
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Contagious Depression
Experts have suggested that a person is born with a certain happiness quotient, a natural temperament toward optimism or pessimism, or a particular level of feeling good. We all know someone who always sees the sunny side of everything, and we all know the gloomy Eeyore type from the Winnie the Pooh books. Someone once said that if his hair caught on fire, I would say it was a good thing, because now he wouldn't have to brush it! I had no idea I seemed like such a happy-go-lucky person. The up side for those who are naturally more melancholy is that environment can be a big factor in balancing things out. Studies have shown proper diet and exercise to be as effective as anti-depressants in some cases.
Eeyore
That brings up an interesting question on the flip side of the coin. Can depression rub off on other people? Can a depressed person in your environment transfer his depression to you? I have personally felt the effects of another person's anger and depression in a physical way. The energy, even over the telephone or computer, or in a letter, is tangible. Some say that thoughts are actually things that can have either good or ill effects. Think about the power of prayer to heal, and you may agree. In the following article, you can read how this contagious effect of depression works. I have experienced it, not realizing what it was. A person taking out his depression on you can become suddenly and disproportionately irritable and angry, or be hyper sensitive toward you or reactionary and very defensive. Or after being around a very sad or negative person, you may find your own balloon sagging and wonder why.
Luckily, I was able to work through my recent suffering through Catholic teaching on the subject, which I have written about in previous posts. According to this article and others, depression certainly can be a family illness, just like alcoholism. We need to let go of the stigma of these disorders, acknowledge and accept the truth of the situation, and seek help. If you get better, you help your loved one get better, too. Denial serves no one, and sweeping clinical depression under the carpet can have devastating results.
Is depression catching?
by ANNETTE WETHERIDGEDepression is one of the most widespread health problems of the modern age. But we tend to assume we are either prone to it or not. Now American psychologists have discovered that depression is contagious.
Like tired people who trigger yawning fits in others, depression is apparently like psychological flu. If you've got it, you spread it around. Here, Dr Thomas Joiner, professor of psychology at Florida State University, describes how romantic partners, friends and colleagues can all pass on the depression bug . . .
Depression is believed to be caused by a chemical imbalance. Yet our study shows that other people can - and do - trigger depression. It doesn't matter if you are happy-go-lucky or a pessimist - if you spend enough time with someone who is depressed, you, too, are going to suffer depression.
We put 105 couples through a battery of tests to prove partners fall into the same patterns. Over a one-year period the couples were quizzed time and again about their feelings and moods.
Surprisingly, those who were depressed had very negative feelings towards their other half. These were people who were supposedly in love - yet the dominant, depressed person in each relationship tended to be disparaging, and the other person was upset and depressed because of what was going on.
The depression was a vicious circle - the more one partner was down, the more that person spread their mood. If, for instance, a husband is depressed, he is no longer available emotionally to his wife.
He becomes hostile, and she has to take care of the children and all the other things the husband used to do. So she becomes hostile and depressed herself, because of the burden he has placed on her and starts to believe it is her fault her husband is down.
It can become a Catch-22 - they go round in a vicious circle blaming each other for their bad moods. The only solution is for one of them to get better. By this stage both probably need medication and intensive therapy, whether together or alone.
Women prone to depression often choose alcoholic or abusive men for husbands, possibly because they suffer from low self-esteem. Their negative thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophesy. They believe they are unworthy, therefore they pick an unworthy partner. And when one gets depressed, the other follows suit. But that's not to say someone who was always happy won't suddenly become depressed and spread their depression.
The first depression is usually triggered by something dramatic, such as a death or a job loss. Subsequent depression follows, though it will never be as bleak. The first major warning sign is known as anhedonia - a person loses their capacity for pleasure.
For instance, someone who once loved to spend their time on the golf course or pottering around the garden no longer wants to do it. They might still go into the garden at weekends, but their conversation revolves around whether it's worth it, whether there is any point in weeding or mowing the grass.
Then there is a change in sleep patterns. A person who has slept well may suddenly become an insomniac, or wants to sleep all the time and cannot be bothered to get out of bed in the morning.
They may also become irritable for no reason. Inevitably, their partner suffers. How can they not? The partner walks around on egg shells, trying not to cause the depressed person any more problems. They retreat into themselves, too, and inevitably blame themselves.
The first thing the least depressed person has to do is understand it is not their problem. They have to arrange for their partner to get treatment. Often the depressed partner does not believe anything is wrong, so gentle persuasion is needed. If the person refuses, the spouse should initially go alone and discuss the problems with a therapist.
It is also worth giving the depressed person space. Don't cling, don't demand answers they probably can't give. Back off and give yourself some space. Keep up with friends, go alone to social events if the other person does not feel like going out.
In other words maintain some sort of life for yourself. Don't sink to the same depths as them. And when the partner is being particularly irritable, ask them what is wrong, ask them what you have done to upset them. Eventually, they will realise you have done nothing wrong. Sadly, some couples end up in the divorce courts, trapped in a vicious circle of depression.
I did a similar study on university roommates. Often in America, in your first year at college, you have no choice about who you share a room with. Yet even with strangers -people who are not emotionally involved - depression rubs off. If a student is unhappy, inevitably the roommate picks up the bad vibes.
You can see the same thing happening in the workplace. A boss who comes in on a Monday morning in a bad mood will bring down his staff.
Types of Depression
Depression will often accompany addiction, or occur in the family and friends of alcoholics. The onset of depression may follow a traumatic experience or serious health condition, and sometimes various factors will occur in succession, leading from a temporary episode of grief or a case of "the blues" to a serious illness. It can be difficult to recognize in yourself or someone else, as many symptoms may also occur for different reasons, such as a medical condition or hormonal imbalance, or changes due to age. There is a wide range of degrees and types of depression, as follows. I hope this helps in pinpointing the contribution depression may be making to problems within families and friendships and lead to increased support and compassion. Often simply putting a name to a problem brings immense relief, because then one has the necessary information to know how to proceed, or at least where to begin to seek help.
Here is an overview of types of depression from NIMH:
What are the different forms of depression?
There are several forms of depressive disorders.Major depressive disorder, or major depression, is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person's ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities. Major depression is disabling and prevents a person from functioning normally. Some people may experience only a single episode within their lifetime, but more often a person may have multiple episodes.
Depression is a common but serious illness. Most who experience depression need treatment to get better.
Dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia, is characterized by long-term (2 years or longer) symptoms that may not be severe enough to disable a person but can prevent normal functioning or feeling well. People with dysthymia may also experience one or more episodes of major depression during their lifetimes.
Minor depression is characterized by having symptoms for 2 weeks or longer that do not meet full criteria for major depression. Without treatment, people with minor depression are at high risk for developing major depressive disorder.
Some forms of depression are slightly different, or they may develop under unique circumstances. However, not everyone agrees on how to characterize and define these forms of depression. They include:
- Psychotic depression, which occurs when a person has severe depression plus some form of psychosis, such as having disturbing false beliefs or a break with reality (delusions), or hearing or seeing upsetting things that others cannot hear or see (hallucinations).
- Postpartum depression, which is much more serious than the "baby blues" that many women experience after giving birth, when hormonal and physical changes and the new responsibility of caring for a newborn can be overwhelming. It is estimated that 10 to 15 percent of women experience postpartum depression after giving birth.1
- Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), which is characterized by the onset of depression during the winter months, when there is less natural sunlight. The depression generally lifts during spring and summer. SAD may be effectively treated with light therapy, but nearly half of those with SAD do not get better with light therapy alone. Antidepressant medication and psychotherapy can reduce SAD symptoms, either alone or in combination with light therapy.2
And from the Mayo Clinic:
Depression symptoms include:
- Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
- Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
- Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
- Reduced sex drive
- Insomnia or excessive sleeping
- Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
- Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
- Irritability or angry outbursts
- Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
- Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
- Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
- Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
- Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
- Crying spells for no apparent reason
- Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
Depression affects each person in different ways, so symptoms caused by depression vary from person to person. Inherited traits, age, gender and cultural background all play a role in how depression may affect you.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Depression in a Loved One
Our Lady of Sorrows
You may know someone who is clinically depressed and is on medication, and perhaps has been for many years. A family doctor, that is, a general practitioner can prescribe depression medicine. Depression may coincide with alcoholism or other addictions, or it may stand alone as a disorder, dysfunction, or mental illness. I think we are all aware of the concerns with treating any number of disorders with pills and nothing else. I have to wonder, does the depressed person who is given no other avenues of treatment actually improve adequately in her condition, especially long term? Should a doctor be able to fill out a prescription for depression, and approve refills, without any sort of regular evaluation by a therapist who specializes in psychiatry or psychology? Are other holistic treatments, environmental factors, and lifestyle considerations taken into account, such as overall health, diet and exercise?
You may not realize that you are being affected by another person's depression, even if you know they suffer from a serious case of it. I have experienced issues over a number of years, in various instances, that I have only recently recognized to be the result of depression that was not adequately treated in family members and friends, and situations in which I became depressed myself. Common is the type of case in which a person is dealing with mental illness and/or addiction in an adult or teenage child, along with his or her own depression. Such situations were true of a number of people who shared their stories in Al-Anon. You may not put the pieces together until a particular event produces such extreme reactions in a loved one that a light bulb goes on and you consider that, like the progressive effects of alcoholism, the depression could go deeper and deeper, and over a period of time, have severely debilitating or even devastating results.
For the person in certain states of depression, problems are magnified, his or her perceptions are distorted, and in severe cases there can be a break with reality. And like alcoholism, the depressed person may be good at masking symptoms for a long while. She may isolate herself from others. One close friend of mine who lives long distance often neglects to return phone calls for long periods of time. I believe that depression has been a problem for her for years, and she has thankfully gotten herself professional help, even if she doesn't feel comfortable sharing her problems with friends.
Your loved one may find things to fault others for and worry obsessively over situations and others' behavior. I have experienced never being able to do anything right in such a person's eyes, having him or her seem to think the worst of me and not trust me to make good decisions. Or even accuse me of being the depressed one (and at times I have indeed become depressed as a result of extreme family turmoil and the contagious nature of depression). This person most likely does not realize that he is projecting his depression, or even spreading it like a psychological sneeze. It can be hard to discern where such difficulties are coming from. Depression could certainly be playing a part.
A depressed person may be able to hide his or her illness from co-workers, casual acquaintances, and members of her church. She may look fine on the outside and even smile and laugh at gatherings. But otherwise she may be low functioning and slowly drowning. If you live with someone you suspect is seriously depressed, get her help immediately. Don't wait for the suicide attempt or nervous break down. Talk to a therapist or spiritual director about how you can support this person. I once called a suicide hotline when I was in college out of grave concern for a friend. You may not realize how fragile and hyper-sensitive she might be, and any benign comment from you could feel like a slap in the face. And just like with alcoholism, you could be pulled into the quicksand and start sinking with your loved one, without even realizing it.
Once you have pin-pointed depression as a possible contributor to the issue, hopefully you will not take things so personally when your loved one acts out his despair. Unfortunately, other family members may enable their depressed loved one and unintentionally contribute to his mental and emotional imbalance. They may not know what to do to help this person, and so they look around for someone else to blame, and that unlucky soul may be you, as it has been me. If you are kind but firm in not allowing yourself to be a punching bag, other family members may overcome their denial and get the depressed person the help they desperately need. Or the depressed person himself may realize that you have done nothing wrong. Keep praying for all of those affected by the situation, including yourself, and when you interact with your depressed loved one, be extra gentle and suggest she needs more than just the meds (or perhaps needs to be evaluated) if her symptoms have progressed. Always keep in mind that you may be dealing with someone who sees things reflected as in a fun house mirror, and that this can't be any fun for her at all. Embody compassion.
Sometimes the best thing to do if you are attacked or criticized is not to respond. Say, "I understand that's how you feel" and change the subject or end the conversation. Refuse to argue. The more you say, even to defend yourself, the more mired in the web you will become. Depression, like alcoholism, can be a family illness, and anger can be an unrecognized symptom of it. Get help for yourself if it becomes too much to bear. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally harmed or psychologically abused. Like alcoholism, you didn't cause the depression, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you can contribute to your own suffering if you help perpetuate the vicious cycle and allow it to poison your life. There are no easy answers to these problems, but there is always hope. Let God sustain you. Let Jesus carry you. And let Mary bless you with her grace.
Our Lady of Grace
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
On Worry and Obsession
"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" (Psalm 55:22).
"Jesus Stills the Tempest" by William Hole, 1908
When I was a kid I heard a fascinating sermon on the phrase, take care. The minister preached that telling a person to "take care" is the same as advising him to worry. I think when most people say, "Take care," it is usually when they are parting from a friend or loved one, and what they mean is more like, "Take care of yourself" or "Be well." They are not suggesting that the other person fret or be filled with anxiety. Still, the admonition to avoid worry is apt.
Certainly we need to be concerned for the people we care about and the things for which we are responsible. A too casual, lazze faire attitude toward life may result in harm or neglect of ourselves, others, and the environment. We should take care of the gifts God bestows upon us as stewards, with reverence. This includes your spouse, children, home, friends, possessions, job, etc... Yet excessive worry is a sin.
In Matthew chapter 6, verses 25, 27, 28, 31 and 34, Jesus commands us not to worry. Why? Because worry is a form of fear, the opposite of faith.
In the rooms of Al-Anon, I often heard someone suggest that FEAR is an anagram for False Evidence Appearing Real. Well, sometimes the evidence is real, and the problem you perceive is as big as you think it is. Beware of being in denial. But more often than not, the sky is not falling, Henny Penny. It was just a nut that dropped on your head. As Pat Benatar sang, "Anxiety, can't get nothin' done, anxiety spoils all the fun." On the album cover she is wearing a straight jacket. Anyone dealing with active alcoholism and other such disorders feels this way sometimes, and so does the addict himself!
Truly, worry can become a very bad habit and obsessive mental disorder. There are so many things we can't control, and perhaps worrying makes us feel like we are doing something about the issue. The wool hasn't been pulled over our eyes! We see what is going on...
But is the thing tugging at our minds and causing our hearts to race and faces to break out even any of our business? If it is, we need to have the courage to change the situation. If it isn't, we need to accept those things we cannot change and let go and let God. This is a slogan I learned in Al-Anon. But honestly, when I am dealing with crazy makers today, my best remedy is the Rosary. This form of prayer and meditation orders the mind, soothes the soul, and keeps my eyes on God's will for my life. It comforts me and relieves insomnia. Sometimes insight to a problem happens as I travel around the beads. I am reminded of who I am--a daughter of the King--and what I believe. I grow in faith, hope, love and wisdom. And I am held in the arms of the Blessed Mother...
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
The Art of the Lament
If you are to work through your suffering and come into the light, you must learn the art of the lament. First one must avoid denial and admit the pain and horror of one's circumstances or situation. The alcoholic is notorious for failing to acknowledge his problem with drinking, rationalizing in any number of ways. For example, despite imbibing enough whiskey in one night to die of alcohol poisoning, the alcoholic may argue that he doesn't binge that often, maybe only once a month (at least for awhile). The friend or family member of the alcoholic may also deny that there is a serious issue, since perhaps the alcoholic does not drive drunk or has not lost his job. We all want to feel normal, and be perceived as such by others, so the suffering person puts on a happy face and acts as if nothing is wrong.
Maybe we also don't want to be whiners or be accused of being melodramatic. We were raised to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and not ask others for help. True, we should not glorify suffering, but if we want to get better, we have to take the first step to grief and healing by learning to cry out our pain. The Psalms give us ample material for how to move from overwhelmed silence to the bold speech of lament. See Psalms 22, 44, 53, 77, 88, and 109 for a start. The Psalmist may even help you put your problem in perspective. You may be at least a little relieved that your plight is not quite so horrendous as his! Or if it is, then you have a comrade in your distress. Jesus himself offered a tortured lament from the cross, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?!"
Children have not yet become so constrained by society that they are self-conscious regarding appropriate behavior, so they will offer a lament quite naturally. "That's not fair!" they cry out against their perceived injustice, stomping a foot or kicking and screaming on the floor. "Don't have a fit and fall in it," an adult may advise. While we may not want to run through the grocery store knocking boxes and cans off the shelves to express our grief, we need to find a safe way to do it. Take your cue from the child who laments with abandon. Cry your heart out while taking a shower. Read one of the Psalms out loud, with full expression, and make the lament your own. Pray the sorrowful mysteries of the Rosary and unite your suffering to Christ's. Don't be afraid to bend the ear of a compassionate friend, a spiritual advisor, your priest, or a therapist. Such crying out to God allows us to both grieve and to grow into a mature covenant partner with Him.
Lament allows us to put our trust in God. That is the next step. The lament keeps us in conversation with God, renewing our faith and hope and keeping us on a path of Love and Grace. Matthew 10:29-31 says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows."
The Blessed Mother also hears our cries, and the Memorare of St. Bernard is a powerful prayer for her intercession: "Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that any one who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, and sought thy intercession, was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee I come, before thee I stand sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate! despise not my petitions, but, in thy mercy, hear and answer me. Amen." You could even take a pilgrimage for spiritual and/or physical healing, such as to the Basilica of Our Lady of Consolation in Carey, Ohio.
The Memorare reminds us to acknowledge our sinful nature, and then we can move on to admitting that at times our choices have caused personal and social suffering. Now we can become ready to move toward repentance and a change of heart. We need to reach out to others, asking for help and receiving what they offer, allowing them to accompany us in our "dark night of the soul." At the same time that we break our isolation from others, we move toward God, who may seem very distant at this time. Lament, praise, gratitude--all these are forms of worship.
Years ago I read a life-changing idea in Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance: A Day Book of Comfort and Joy. I encourage you to adopt her practice of keeping a gratitude journal in which you write a list of 5 things each day for which you are grateful. It's okay if the only things you can come up with are the meeting of your basic needs--a roof over your head, food on the table, etc... Gratitude will radically alter the way you see your life and the world. Ban Breathnach also advocates daily journaling in which you write for three pages in a stream-of-consciousness style, just letting whatever is on your mind and heart pour out. In this way you can write your way to wellness (and you can whine all you need!).
Next we follow the life and ministry of Jesus and work as individuals and as communities to overcome and end suffering. Awareness of the world's suffering gets us out of our own pain as we directly express our compassion for others with a listening ear and comforting words, by preparing meals, running errands, providing transportation, or taking political, social, and economic action. We pray daily for those who suffer, offering up our own suffering for the blessing of another. We can't do everything, but we can do at least one thing to promote the relief of the suffering of someone else.
No matter what we are able to do, suffering remains a mystery. Therefore, we lament and act to overcome suffering, even as we acknowledge the incomprehensibility of the injustice and terrorism resulting from people's evil choices, or the pain that comes from horrible accidents. We can try to understand that the suffering of incurable disease or natural disasters simply happens in a world that is not yet fulfilled. We must ask how we can respond to suffering, what we can do to help ourselves and others, and receive the peace and joy that comes from profound trust in a compassionate God. As we continue this holy week toward the Resurrection, let's look forward to the time when we too will rise, and remember that the darkest hour comes before dawn.
* (Some of the ideas on the art of the lament have come from "The Mystery of Suffering," a Catholic Update article by Kenneth R. Overberg, S.J.)
Maybe we also don't want to be whiners or be accused of being melodramatic. We were raised to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and not ask others for help. True, we should not glorify suffering, but if we want to get better, we have to take the first step to grief and healing by learning to cry out our pain. The Psalms give us ample material for how to move from overwhelmed silence to the bold speech of lament. See Psalms 22, 44, 53, 77, 88, and 109 for a start. The Psalmist may even help you put your problem in perspective. You may be at least a little relieved that your plight is not quite so horrendous as his! Or if it is, then you have a comrade in your distress. Jesus himself offered a tortured lament from the cross, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?!"
Children have not yet become so constrained by society that they are self-conscious regarding appropriate behavior, so they will offer a lament quite naturally. "That's not fair!" they cry out against their perceived injustice, stomping a foot or kicking and screaming on the floor. "Don't have a fit and fall in it," an adult may advise. While we may not want to run through the grocery store knocking boxes and cans off the shelves to express our grief, we need to find a safe way to do it. Take your cue from the child who laments with abandon. Cry your heart out while taking a shower. Read one of the Psalms out loud, with full expression, and make the lament your own. Pray the sorrowful mysteries of the Rosary and unite your suffering to Christ's. Don't be afraid to bend the ear of a compassionate friend, a spiritual advisor, your priest, or a therapist. Such crying out to God allows us to both grieve and to grow into a mature covenant partner with Him.
Lament allows us to put our trust in God. That is the next step. The lament keeps us in conversation with God, renewing our faith and hope and keeping us on a path of Love and Grace. Matthew 10:29-31 says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows."
The Blessed Mother also hears our cries, and the Memorare of St. Bernard is a powerful prayer for her intercession: "Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that any one who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, and sought thy intercession, was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee I come, before thee I stand sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate! despise not my petitions, but, in thy mercy, hear and answer me. Amen." You could even take a pilgrimage for spiritual and/or physical healing, such as to the Basilica of Our Lady of Consolation in Carey, Ohio.
Our Lady of Consolation
Basilica in Carey, Oh
The Memorare reminds us to acknowledge our sinful nature, and then we can move on to admitting that at times our choices have caused personal and social suffering. Now we can become ready to move toward repentance and a change of heart. We need to reach out to others, asking for help and receiving what they offer, allowing them to accompany us in our "dark night of the soul." At the same time that we break our isolation from others, we move toward God, who may seem very distant at this time. Lament, praise, gratitude--all these are forms of worship.
Years ago I read a life-changing idea in Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance: A Day Book of Comfort and Joy. I encourage you to adopt her practice of keeping a gratitude journal in which you write a list of 5 things each day for which you are grateful. It's okay if the only things you can come up with are the meeting of your basic needs--a roof over your head, food on the table, etc... Gratitude will radically alter the way you see your life and the world. Ban Breathnach also advocates daily journaling in which you write for three pages in a stream-of-consciousness style, just letting whatever is on your mind and heart pour out. In this way you can write your way to wellness (and you can whine all you need!).
Next we follow the life and ministry of Jesus and work as individuals and as communities to overcome and end suffering. Awareness of the world's suffering gets us out of our own pain as we directly express our compassion for others with a listening ear and comforting words, by preparing meals, running errands, providing transportation, or taking political, social, and economic action. We pray daily for those who suffer, offering up our own suffering for the blessing of another. We can't do everything, but we can do at least one thing to promote the relief of the suffering of someone else.
No matter what we are able to do, suffering remains a mystery. Therefore, we lament and act to overcome suffering, even as we acknowledge the incomprehensibility of the injustice and terrorism resulting from people's evil choices, or the pain that comes from horrible accidents. We can try to understand that the suffering of incurable disease or natural disasters simply happens in a world that is not yet fulfilled. We must ask how we can respond to suffering, what we can do to help ourselves and others, and receive the peace and joy that comes from profound trust in a compassionate God. As we continue this holy week toward the Resurrection, let's look forward to the time when we too will rise, and remember that the darkest hour comes before dawn.
* (Some of the ideas on the art of the lament have come from "The Mystery of Suffering," a Catholic Update article by Kenneth R. Overberg, S.J.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)