art by Sheila Diemert
It has been years since I've written in this blog, and I had actually forgotten all about it! I think what triggered my memory was a recent conversation with someone who said to me, "That's none of your business." The person in question is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I encountered this phrase when I was active in Al-Anon. I found it very freeing to consider that if something was none of my business, I didn't have to do anything about it! I could just set my worry aside and go on with my life.
But when this particular person says this to me, which he occasionally does, he's missing a vital consideration. It's none of his business to decide what is or is not anyone else's business! I once had an Al-Anon sponsor who was also in AA, and she used, "That's none of your business" as a pat answer to some of the concerns I brought to her for help. Again, there was something truly liberating about that. And I'm sure her intention as my sponsor was to help me to sort out what was and wasn't my concern. Yet she also referred to her sponsees as her "babies." I always thought that was just, yuck. And I still do.
A better approach if you want to help someone with discernment regarding what is one's "stuff" to own and what is the possession of another, would be to simply and humbly ask, "Do you think that's truly your business, or do think that's something you can't control or change?" Because ultimately, a healthy person has to sort those boundaries for himself, and it's a disservice to categorically decide for someone else what does and doesn't constitute his or her business. Merely stating as a pat response, that's none of your business, doesn't strike me as an honest effort to listen to and support the other's feelings in a heartfelt way. It isn't taking the time to guide a soul in pain or anxiety to a place of peace and right thinking.
I set a boundary the last time this easy-out, insensitive statement was made, by pointing out very assertively (maybe too assertively) that he wasn't in charge of deciding for me what is or isn't my business. Unfortunately, I also attacked AA as a fake religion, and I realize this was uncharitable. But I went on to explain that the 12 Steps are clearly based upon Catholicism with certain changes, and that I see the dangers in the "twist" the 12 Step programs put on the Truth of Christianity and the sacraments established by Jesus and his Church.
For example, the 12 Step tradition of having a sponsor comes from the Catholic tradition of working with a spiritual director. Catholic spiritual directors are specially trained to perform this service. In the case of a program like AA, members might share at meetings if they are available to be a sponsor, and those needing a sponsor choose someone to ask. Being a sponsor is a huge responsibility, yet anyone can be one. There is no criteria or training for holding this position. A bad sponsor could do great harm, and there is no authoritative body in place to deal with the issues that may arise. I have seen many a soul being misguided by fellow members of 12 Step programs, who sometimes reflect values contrary to the Christian Faith, or even just plainly lack the skills, morals, and wisdom to finesse a delicate situation constituting grave matter.
And so the Catholic Church continues to help me to see that there is only one place to ultimately seek the Truth. 12 Step groups may be harmful or helpful, and that's not my business to decide for anyone else. As for me, I've found the country where my soul can rest.
