St. Therese on Self-Defense

"When we are misunderstood and judged unfavorably, what good does it do to defend or explain ourselves? Let the matter drop and say nothing. It's so much better to say nothing and allow others to judge us as they please! We don't see in the Gospel where Mary explained herself when her sister accused her of remaining at Jesus' feet, doing nothing! She didn't say: 'Oh, Martha, if you only knew the joy I am experiencing, if you only heard the words I hear! And besides, it's Jesus who told me to remain here.' No, she preferred to remain silent. O blessed silence that gives so much peace to souls!"  -- St. Therese of Lisieux

 St. Therese of Lisieux, Doctor of the Church

When I read the above quote, I was amazed. It sounded just like advice I had learned in Al-Anon! But Therese lived only 24 years, from 1873-1897, way before the term "alcoholism" existed, certainly before there were any 12 step groups. If someone wanted to know the meaning of detachment, I would point him to St. Therese. But she was a saint, one of the most beloved of all time, we might argue. She is called the "Little Flower of Jesus", for heaven's sake. What hope have we of emulating this French Carmelite nun? But if we want to recover, to be at peace, to live life on our own terms, what choice do we have but to walk the path of the Little Flower? One thing we can do right now is to pray for her intercession! Search your library or the internet and read about this remarkable woman who became so holy is such a short while. She had much more to say.

Notice that Therese's attitude in no way sounds defensive. There is a lightness, just like we perceive in Mary of Bethany. We are not obligated to justify ourselves to anyone, nor to defend ourselves in any way. Defending against a thing makes it real. Therese's (and Mary of Bethany's) only reality was Jesus.

 Mary of Bethany

Much of the time, it is not other people who disappoint us; it is our expectations of them. For example, Renee is hurt because her mother compares her unfavorably to her siblings. She does not live up to her mother's expectations of her. When Renee then feels defensive, she may become unkind, or she may scramble to do the thing that she thinks will satisfy her mother. Such responses will inevitably backfire, and Renee will be living her life to please someone else, or she will behave in a way that makes her not feel good about herself. She will undercut her own self-worth by allowing her mother to find fault with her. Instead, Renee must face the painful truth that she is not unconditionally valued and accepted by her mother, respond as kindly as she can, and resist the urge to be a people pleaser. She must let go of her expectations that her mother will accept her exactly as she is.

Everyone is different, and Renee need not be like her brother or her sister. She only has to be the best Renee that she can be. Competition forced upon siblings, and favoritism shown by a parent, is no less harmful to adults than it is to children. If she takes the advice of St. Therese, Renee can see more clearly that insidious family merry-go-round and walk in the opposite direction, not in a state of anger, grief, or anxiety, but like a child through a field of wildflowers, the breeze playing in her hair.

Becoming like St. Therese and Mary of Bethany is not easy. But if we walk the path of holiness, how can we go wrong? We are the apple of our Father's eye, the beloved of our Blessed Mother. We are all seeds waiting to become Little Flowers. We don't have to respond to the accusations and expectations of others. We can just be. We can wait. We can pray. We can abide in sacred silence and trust that all will be well, if only we let go, empty ourselves, and allow ourselves to be filled with the light of Holy Wisdom--to be free.

On Worry and Obsession

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" (Psalm 55:22).

"Jesus Stills the Tempest" by William Hole, 1908

When I was a kid I heard a fascinating sermon on the phrase, take care.  The minister preached that telling a person to "take care" is the same as advising him to worry.  I think when most people say, "Take care," it is usually when they are parting from a friend or loved one, and what they mean is more like, "Take care of yourself" or "Be well."  They are not suggesting that the other person fret or be filled with anxiety. Still, the admonition to avoid worry is apt. 

Certainly we need to be concerned for the people we care about and the things for which we are responsible.  A too casual, lazze faire attitude toward life may result in harm or neglect of ourselves, others, and the environment. We should take care of the gifts God bestows upon us as stewards, with reverence. This includes your spouse, children, home, friends, possessions, job, etc... Yet excessive worry is a sin.

In Matthew chapter 6, verses 25, 27, 28, 31 and 34, Jesus commands us not to worry.  Why? Because worry is a form of fear, the opposite of faith. 

In the rooms of Al-Anon, I often heard someone suggest that FEAR is an anagram for False Evidence Appearing Real.  Well, sometimes the evidence is real, and the problem you perceive is as big as you think it is. Beware of being in denial. But more often than not, the sky is not falling, Henny Penny. It was just a nut that dropped on your head. As Pat Benatar sang, "Anxiety, can't get nothin' done, anxiety spoils all the fun."  On the album cover she is wearing a straight jacket. Anyone dealing with active alcoholism and other such disorders feels this way sometimes, and so does the addict himself!

Truly, worry can become a very bad habit and obsessive mental disorder. There are so many things we can't control, and perhaps worrying makes us feel like we are doing something about the issue. The wool hasn't been pulled over our eyes! We see what is going on...

But is the thing tugging at our minds and causing our hearts to race and faces to break out even any of our business?  If it is, we need to have the courage to change the situation. If it isn't, we need to accept those things we cannot change and let go and let God. This is a slogan I learned in Al-Anon. But honestly, when I am dealing with crazy makers today, my best remedy is the Rosary. This form of prayer and meditation orders the mind, soothes the soul, and keeps my eyes on God's will for my life. It comforts me and relieves insomnia. Sometimes insight to a problem happens as I travel around the beads. I am reminded of who I am--a daughter of the King--and what I believe. I grow in faith, hope, love and wisdom. And I am held in the arms of the Blessed Mother...

Working through Suffering

It is important to accept suffering as a part of life. It is also necessary to work through suffering so you don't become immobilized and stay in a place of intense pain to the point of crushing your spirit. Jesus does not create suffering; He does not intentionally put obstacles in our path to trip us up. I have read Christian authors who claim that He does, but that is not the teaching of the Catholic Church. God does, however, use suffering for our spiritual growth in wisdom. Recovery depends upon openly receiving God's grace and healing, and you may need to get yourself some outside help as well. Though I have warned of some of the pitfalls of 12 Step groups, one thing you will at the very least find in Al-Anon or Families Anonymous, for example, are other people going through similar problems. It is a great relief to discover that you really aren't the only one living with or affected by alcoholism.

Our Lady of Sorrows

It should be noted that alcoholism does not exist on its own in many cases. You may additionally be dealing with sinful behaviors and other disorders, such as pornography or sex addiction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder (manic-depressive), schizophrenia, clinical depression, compulsive gambling, or any number of other issues. Alcoholism is challenging enough by itself, but add any of these other afflictions, and you are living in nothing less than a tornado. Even from a long distance, such disturbances in a family member can be overwhelming.

It is also easy to become isolated. Rachel (not her real name) was afraid to tell her friends about her husband's drinking problem because they couldn't relate, and she was worried they wouldn't want to bring their children over to her house to play. To avoid such isolation, finding a therapist who has training in addiction (and preferably has a Catholic perspective), or a clergyman, spiritual director, or spiritual community (even a yoga class!) of some sort is imperative to working through one's suffering. Even just talking to a trusted friend who has a normal life and is nonjudgmental and supportive of you will bring relief. In the rooms of Al-Anon you can hear so many stories of unhealthy situations and ways of life that they may eventually seem normal, or not so bad, when in reality the circumstances are very sick and unacceptable. Do not rely exclusively on 12 Step groups. Spending time with healthy people and seeing examples of families that function well will help you realize that it isn't you who is crazy, but that your circumstances really do need to change.

Rachel was a Christian but did not attend church regularly and had never been Catholic, so she did not have the support of simply belonging to a religious community and the benefit of receiving the sacraments and consistent spiritual teaching. Living with alcoholism or similar disorders can make a person feel as if there is something wrong with him and that other people won't like him. It is no less than a daily, ongoing crisis. Whatever you choose to do, you must somehow break your isolation.

 Ecclesia, Holy Mother Church

A coworker I once had was married to an alcoholic, and she confided to me one day that her husband was so drunk he had peed the bed! An alcoholic in denial will tell you that his behavior isn't that bad. In one case a man went to jail for drinking related offenses and shared a cell with the mayor who was incarcerated on similar charges! Since these things even happen to the mayor, the man reasoned, they must be normal.

You need to have a daily practice of prayer and meditation, attend Mass regularly (even daily when possible), find friends who give you a good example of a holy life, and get professional help if necessary. Fill your life with meaningful activities that bring you joy. And yes, you may sometimes have to separate yourself from situations and people whose treatment of you puts you in serious spiritual and emotional jeopardy. If physical abuse is part of your situation, you must seek resources to get you safely out of harm's way, most especially if children are involved.

The Risen Jesus & Mary Magdalene at the Tomb

You must be willing to work through your suffering so you can come into the light of God's love. Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 days, but he did not stop praying, and he faced his trials and tribulations with the help of the Father. He also did not stay there forever. He died so that we might live, so that we too can be resurrected and have life abundantly. Jesus ultimately overcame suffering, and you need to as well. It is imperative to take good care of yourself, eat well and exercise, and pursue an interest that will fill your well with living water. Next I will cover the necessary step of lamentation. Cry out to God, and He will hear you. Cry to the Blessed Mother, and she will always comfort you and pray for you.