Progress, Not Perfection

I was often comforted by the slogan, "progress, not perfection" in the rooms of Al-Anon. Perfectionism can be a problem for the family and friends of alcoholics, for any number of reasons. We may want our homes to appear "normal" to others. We may suffer from low self-esteem or be afraid others will not like us or want to be our friends because of our alcoholic circumstances. Many in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon also grew up with alcoholic parents, sometimes suffering various forms of abuse. Some have been raped or molested or been victims of incest. They have lived in such continuous fear that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Members of Al-Anon come to realize that their suffering has resulted in an obsessive need for control, because so much in life has been chaotic for them. They learn that in their quest for healing and ways to cope, they are allowed the grace to "do the program messy."

In others words, it is okay to make mistakes. If you lose your temper, or say something hurtful, or react to problems in a way that is unhealthy, you can make amends to yourself and others and try again. Recovery from the effects of alcoholism is not a test to be passed with flying colors, with a big A+ and a smiley face sticker. Two steps forward, one step back is more the pattern of progress.

When I write here about my experiences, it is not out of anger and resentment, but rather a desire to understand myself and others better, to raise questions that are important to me, and to offer insights and possible solutions. I can't do this without expressing what happened. My tone may not come across the way I intend to someone else, but I do my best to be clear and to write with the highest integrity. God knows my heart, and He knows yours. He doesn't expect us to be perfect. That's why Jesus came, so we could be perfected in Him. That is why he sent the Holy Spirit in His place, to dwell within us to achieve that perfection of grace that is available in the family of God.

If someone becomes angry with you or is offended by you, your first instinct might be to fix his feelings. You may feel that you somehow failed to be perfect, and begin to doubt yourself. You may try to talk him out of feeling the way he feels. While we certainly need to speak and act responsibly, feelings do get hurt unintentionally, misunderstandings do occur, and we and others do make mistakes. That is okay. It does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, although in some cases the relationship will need to change or discontinue. You cannot fix or control someone else's feelings. People choose to react the way they do. Often a negative response is just their "stuff"; it doesn't really have anything to do with you. We really don't have the power to make someone feel or react in any particular way. I am glad I am not so powerful!! Compassion, compassion, compassion. For yourself and for others. A wise friend of mine once said that when someone is hardest to love, that is when she needs love the most.

It is apparent to me that many people would prefer to keep relationships shallow, to stay on the safe surface of things. Talk about hairstyles, the weather, work, TV shows and movies. It is a real conversation stopper when people bring up a television program, and I say, "I don't have TV at my house."  People don't feel comfortable talking about what is Real, especially if it is painful. I may be worn thin like the velveteen rabbit, but at least I have the promise of someday being a Real Bunny. And so do you. Applaud your progress, and let the Lord perfect you in His time. Last night while praying the Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary, I repeated before each Hail Mary on the Coming of the Holy Spirit decade, "The Holy Spirit dwells in me" and "I am perfected in the Holy Spirit."

On Worry and Obsession

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" (Psalm 55:22).

"Jesus Stills the Tempest" by William Hole, 1908

When I was a kid I heard a fascinating sermon on the phrase, take care.  The minister preached that telling a person to "take care" is the same as advising him to worry.  I think when most people say, "Take care," it is usually when they are parting from a friend or loved one, and what they mean is more like, "Take care of yourself" or "Be well."  They are not suggesting that the other person fret or be filled with anxiety. Still, the admonition to avoid worry is apt. 

Certainly we need to be concerned for the people we care about and the things for which we are responsible.  A too casual, lazze faire attitude toward life may result in harm or neglect of ourselves, others, and the environment. We should take care of the gifts God bestows upon us as stewards, with reverence. This includes your spouse, children, home, friends, possessions, job, etc... Yet excessive worry is a sin.

In Matthew chapter 6, verses 25, 27, 28, 31 and 34, Jesus commands us not to worry.  Why? Because worry is a form of fear, the opposite of faith. 

In the rooms of Al-Anon, I often heard someone suggest that FEAR is an anagram for False Evidence Appearing Real.  Well, sometimes the evidence is real, and the problem you perceive is as big as you think it is. Beware of being in denial. But more often than not, the sky is not falling, Henny Penny. It was just a nut that dropped on your head. As Pat Benatar sang, "Anxiety, can't get nothin' done, anxiety spoils all the fun."  On the album cover she is wearing a straight jacket. Anyone dealing with active alcoholism and other such disorders feels this way sometimes, and so does the addict himself!

Truly, worry can become a very bad habit and obsessive mental disorder. There are so many things we can't control, and perhaps worrying makes us feel like we are doing something about the issue. The wool hasn't been pulled over our eyes! We see what is going on...

But is the thing tugging at our minds and causing our hearts to race and faces to break out even any of our business?  If it is, we need to have the courage to change the situation. If it isn't, we need to accept those things we cannot change and let go and let God. This is a slogan I learned in Al-Anon. But honestly, when I am dealing with crazy makers today, my best remedy is the Rosary. This form of prayer and meditation orders the mind, soothes the soul, and keeps my eyes on God's will for my life. It comforts me and relieves insomnia. Sometimes insight to a problem happens as I travel around the beads. I am reminded of who I am--a daughter of the King--and what I believe. I grow in faith, hope, love and wisdom. And I am held in the arms of the Blessed Mother...