Let me start with a true story. I was once upset with my old boyfriend, Sandy, and I was telling him off for whatever the alleged offense was, which I now can't recall. He said nothing. Instead, Sandy sat right next to me and gently rubbed his hand across my back as I railed at him. He comforted me. The result was profound. I felt the anger drain away from me, and I received a healing I had needed for years. In the past I was engaged to a young man who had regularly invalidated my feelings, said my feelings were "bullshit." Sandy validated my feelings not with words, but with his compassionate presence. He simply held my space. And I, given the freedom to express myself, ended up realizing I was being a silly goose and should not have gotten so worked up in the first place. Does this mean that Sandy let me make a punching bag out of him? Quite the contrary. His inner strength and confidence made themselves undeniably present, even in complete silence. He was no cowering wimp.
Sandy was a wiser, more self-possessed person than me or most people I have known. Usually the scenario goes something like this. Sharon reproaches Jenny for some alleged offense. In her defense, Jenny reproaches Sharon for her judgement against her. Then Sharon reproaches Jenny with further evidence of her wrong doing, and back and forth, until all manner of evil things have been said, on both sides. So Tami comes along and reproaches Sharon for reproaching Jenny, or she reproaches Jenny for reproaching Sharon, and soon so many fingers are pointing in different directions that no rhyme or reason or anything good can come of it, and they are all equally guilty. But surely Sharon is the most guilty, because she started it, right? I wish. But the truth is, had Sandy attacked me back in the above scenario, he would be as much to blame for the problem between us.
But we need to write the hurtful letter, or make the angry phone call, even though we know it will be hurtful, because we have to get it off our chest, right? The other person must be made to know that she is wrong, yes? No. It's none of my business whether someone else knows or admits he is wrong or not. It is not my business to judge whether he is wrong; by the command of God, I must refrain, for God says clearly that judgment is His domain, and His alone. I can tell someone how I feel, avoiding the accusatory "you did this, said that" type of inflammatory communication. Then I am required to let go of his or her response. It is none of my business. I can simply not argue. "I understand that's how you feel. Thank you for sharing." That is all that is necessary. If I try to prove the other person wrong, or if I repeat what I have already said, I have entered into a need to control someone else, and that is entirely my problem.
If you must get whatever it is off your chest, you can do that by praying. That is the best way. You can also write in your journal, or write the letter and then burn it, or confess to your pastor, or do a Fourth Step inventory (to determine your part in the problem), or share your feelings with your spouse or a trusted friend who will not make things worse by trying to fix your feelings or your situation. Someone who will simply listen, and validate your feelings without blaming anyone, is your best bet. That perfect person, again, would be God. The Blessed Mother is also especially good at comforting.
And a final word is to keep your conflict private. Do not purposely draw others into your battle, trying to get someone else on your side to "prove" you are right--and another is wrong--by saying that "so-and-so" also thinks the other person is mean, or lazy, or a thief or liar or whatever the alleged crime may be. It is the one who swears to his own hurt but does not change (in his righteousness) that may dwell with the Lord. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will inherit the kingdom of God. I am not all the way there yet, but I want to be that guy, don't you?
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