Depression in a Loved One

Our Lady of Sorrows

You may know someone who is clinically depressed and is on medication, and perhaps has been for many years. A family doctor, that is, a general practitioner can prescribe depression medicine. Depression may coincide with alcoholism or other addictions, or it may stand alone as a disorder, dysfunction, or mental illness. I think we are all aware of the concerns with treating any number of disorders with pills and nothing else. I have to wonder, does the depressed person who is given no other avenues of treatment actually improve adequately in her condition, especially long term? Should a doctor be able to fill out a prescription for depression, and approve refills, without any sort of regular evaluation by a therapist who specializes in psychiatry or psychology? Are other holistic treatments, environmental factors, and lifestyle considerations taken into account, such as overall health, diet and exercise?

You may not realize that you are being affected by another person's depression, even if you know they suffer from a serious case of it. I have experienced issues over a number of years, in various instances, that I have only recently recognized to be the result of depression that was not adequately treated in family members and friends, and situations in which I became depressed myself. Common is the type of case in which a person is dealing with mental illness and/or addiction in an adult or teenage child, along with his or her own depression. Such situations were true of a number of people who shared their stories in Al-Anon. You may not put the pieces together until a particular event produces such extreme reactions in a loved one that a light bulb goes on and you consider that, like the progressive effects of alcoholism, the depression could go deeper and deeper, and over a period of time, have severely debilitating or even devastating results.

For the person in certain states of depression, problems are magnified, his or her perceptions are distorted, and in severe cases there can be a break with reality. And like alcoholism, the depressed person may be good at masking symptoms for a long while. She may isolate herself from others. One close friend of mine who lives long distance often neglects to return phone calls for long periods of time. I believe that depression has been a problem for her for years, and she has thankfully gotten herself professional help, even if she doesn't feel comfortable sharing her problems with friends.

Your loved one may find things to fault others for and worry obsessively over situations and others' behavior. I have experienced never being able to do anything right in such a person's eyes, having him or her seem to think the worst of me and not trust me to make good decisions. Or even accuse me of being the depressed one (and at times I have indeed become depressed as a result of extreme family turmoil and the contagious nature of depression). This person most likely does not realize that he is projecting his depression, or even spreading it like a psychological sneeze. It can be hard to discern where such difficulties are coming from. Depression could certainly be playing a part.

A depressed person may be able to hide his or her illness from co-workers, casual acquaintances, and members of her church. She may look fine on the outside and even smile and laugh at gatherings. But otherwise she may be low functioning and slowly drowning. If you live with someone you suspect is seriously depressed, get her help immediately. Don't wait for the suicide attempt or nervous break down. Talk to a therapist or spiritual director about how you can support this person. I once called a suicide hotline when I was in college out of grave concern for a friend. You may not realize how fragile and hyper-sensitive she might be, and any benign comment from you could feel like a slap in the face. And just like with alcoholism, you could be pulled into the quicksand and start sinking with your loved one, without even realizing it.

Once you have pin-pointed depression as a possible contributor to the issue, hopefully you will not take things so personally when your loved one acts out his despair. Unfortunately, other family members may enable their depressed loved one and unintentionally contribute to his mental and emotional imbalance. They may not know what to do to help this person, and so they look around for someone else to blame, and that unlucky soul may be you, as it has been me. If you are kind but firm in not allowing yourself to be a punching bag, other family members may overcome their denial and get the depressed person the help they desperately need. Or the depressed person himself may realize that you have done nothing wrong. Keep praying for all of those affected by the situation, including yourself, and when you interact with your depressed loved one, be extra gentle and suggest she needs more than just the meds (or perhaps needs to be evaluated) if her symptoms have progressed. Always keep in mind that you may be dealing with someone who sees things reflected as in a fun house mirror, and that this can't be any fun for her at all. Embody compassion.

Sometimes the best thing to do if you are attacked or criticized is not to respond. Say, "I understand that's how you feel" and change the subject or end the conversation. Refuse to argue. The more you say, even to defend yourself, the more mired in the web you will become. Depression, like alcoholism, can be a family illness, and anger can be an unrecognized symptom of it. Get help for yourself if it becomes too much to bear. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally harmed or psychologically abused. Like alcoholism, you didn't cause the depression, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you can contribute to your own suffering if you help perpetuate the vicious cycle and allow it to poison your life. There are no easy answers to these problems, but there is always hope. Let God sustain you. Let Jesus carry you. And let Mary bless you with her grace.

Our Lady of Grace