Forgiveness and Healing, Continued

Shortly after writing my last post, when I was wondering whether forgiveness or healing comes first, I received an answer. In The Reed of God, Caryll Houselander states that the shortest path to healing is forgiveness. Well, there it is, and it makes sense. As I have written before, when Jesus and the Bible speak of healing, there is usually, if not always, a definite reference to the forgiveness of sins. And how can our own sins be forgiven, and therefore how can we receive healing, if we have not forgiven others? At the same time, I think there is a difference between resentment and grief. There are distinctive stages of grief, and we need to allow ourselves to work through them. Forgiveness may come before the grief subsides completely. We can love someone who has hurt us, and not entirely shut him out, yet give ourselves some time and distance to heal. Forgiveness may not mean an immediate resuming of the previous status of the relationship. Trust may have been broken and needs to be restored.

Recently the husband of someone who hurt me deeply was hospitalized. When I found out, I immediately called her and kept her husband in my prayers. That in itself contributed to my healing. To have ignored her in her time of need would have been truly unloving and unforgiving. I also meditated while praying the Rosary on the unfathomable depth of Jesus' forgiveness, and what horrors Mary also suffered and forgave. In comparison, I have very little to forgive.

So now I am praying for both the grace to forgive as well as my own spiritual healing. I cannot know God's will for all of my relationships, so I have to just turn it over. I have to let go and let God. I have to offer it up, in that classic Catholic way. I still have not put my problem in a "God box", so perhaps I am not ready yet to let it go. But I can pray for the willingness to write it down and tuck it safely away in God's keeping.

Forgiveness and Healing--Which Comes First?

 Immaculate Heart of Mary

I am wondering today, which comes first, forgiveness or healing?  In other words, if someone has deeply hurt my feelings, do I need to heal first in order to forgive and forget, or do I need to forgive and forget in order to heal?  I am currently in a situation in which a relative has caused me deep grief, and this person cannot really understand how I feel, either because she chooses to see things only from her own perspective, or simply because she is not a mother and cannot comprehend my mother's heart.  She does not think she did anything wrong.  Despite expressing my broken-heartedness in the original case, this person made additional choices which compounded my pain.  She was going to let me walk into a situation that she must have known was going to hurt me, and luckily another family member did not think this was right and spilled the beans.  I sucked it up and endured the day, but now what?

If she did not care enough about our relationship to tell me the truth, if nothing else but to prepare me for what was to come, then what kind of relationship can we have?  The fear of upsetting another person is no excuse for allowing them to be blind-sighted by a fast pitch.  If we cannot share openly and honestly despite the consequences, then our relationships will always be superficial and likely to harbor resentment.  I had a small epiphany that perhaps all of the praying I have been doing for the healing of strained relationships is not quite the right focus.  I realized that I have to pray for healing for myself, because otherwise these relationships can't heal.  Expecting healing from someone who has hurt you can be like going to the hardware store for bread.

Since I had talked to this person already in the initial instance on at least two occasions, and written her a letter as well, my feelings and position were clear.  The straw that subsequently broke the camel's back, then, seems pointless to address.  She didn't get it, or she would have chosen differently.  Sometimes the solution is to do nothing.  Today I do not have to make the phone call, write the letter, or have the conversation.  In spiritual struggles there is always something to be learned.  It may not be my lesson that needs to be learned in this case; it may be hers.  We "Al-Anons" sometimes have an overly developed sense of responsibility, thinking it is up to us to fix things, to settle differences, or to make the other person see the light.  Just for today, I can turn it over and leave it there.  I can write the problem on a piece of paper and put it in a "God box."  Let the problem take care of itself, in its own way, in its own time.  And I can do the same thing tomorrow, and the day after that.  I can continue to pray for my own healing and the humility to forgive and forget.  The forgiving part is not so hard.  The trouble is in avoiding picking open the scab. Underneath Mary's mantle is the only place to be, close to her Immaculate Heart.