Twelve step groups such as AA are sometimes criticized for being religious programs. An atheist who joins Alcoholics Anonymous may feel like he is being told that he doesn't have to prescribe to any particular religious beliefs, but at the same time he must believe in some sort of Higher Power, God is intrinsic to the program, and the Lord's Prayer is said at meetings. I want to be clear here that my approach to recovery is not only religious, but is specifically Christian, and Catholic in particular. That is not to say that Protestant Christians or people of other faiths could not apply Paths of Grace to their lives. I just want to clarify what this spiritual path is all about for me.
I'm starting from scratch. I can't say whether any of the 12 Step programs actually help people. The 12 Step program may be a cult, may be its own religion, may or may not contradict the teachings of the Church. My inclination right now is to just push the whole thing aside for a time. I have to find my own voice.
What sets apart a great artist from a bad one, or one who is merely mediocre, is authenticity. A poet learns his craft from the model of other great poets, but eventually he has to write the poem that only he can write. The artist who compromises loses integrity. Trying to please everyone, or relate to all, pleases no one, and no one can relate. Paths to Grace is the practice of Catholicism. It's the understanding that there is the family of origin, and there is the Family of God, and Jesus has clearly commanded that His family comes first. Only the primacy of relationship with Him can heal. That is the thing to work on first. That is where I must start.
In my family of origin, and even in the extended family, my voice has repeatedly been silenced. The message is that I should not want attention. I should not feel/believe/act/think/speak without approval. I am not unconditionally valued. If any truth is spoken to me, it is spoken in the absence of grace, and so I further withdraw from certain relationships. I am tired. Tired. Tired. Tired of feeling guilty and not knowing what I am guilty of. Perhaps I am guilty of not being perfect. I am not playing my hero role. I can't beg and plead anymore. It is demeaning and crushes my spirit. Why do we insist on wanting relationships in which we are not wanted? Not only is the ball no longer in my court, I'm off the court. I'm not sitting on the witness stand. I'm closing the case.
Do over! There is but one Truth. That is my only goal. And God has given me a voice to speak it, and a Life in which to live it, as only I can do. Do not be silent. Do not go to your grave having never really lived. What a tragedy. What a comedy. What an empty stage. A rose has thorns for a reason. Find out what the reason is. Be the rose.
Showing posts with label alcoholic family roles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcoholic family roles. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Riding Out the Storm
In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie talks about how to avoid being blown about by every wind. For those who are or have been affected by alcoholism or some other dysfunction in a loved one or in their family of origin, it can be difficult not to feel every bump in the road, as if we are suffering from permanent whiplash.
Remember the Bible story, a favorite of children, in which Jesus has fallen asleep on the boat with his disciples when a great storm suddenly begins to rage? His followers wake Jesus up, fearing for their lives. He comments on their lack of faith before quieting the storm. We codependents are not the type to sleep through storms. We are ever alert, ever vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop. If we can only catch it this time, before it hits the floor... We try to solve our problems on our own, without help, divine or otherwise. After all, we are the ones who hold everything together, get everyone to the storm cellar before the tornado hits the farm. But then we find ourselves still outside screaming, "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"
Somehow we must learn to reside in the calm center of the tornado. There is a still place within the storm, and we need to be able to relax in the arms of God while chaos rages all around us. How do we do this? Prayer is the number one answer. Some people also meditate, fast, practice yoga, read the Bible. We need to take care of ourselves and stay in the present moment. If you look up and the sky is not falling, you are okay. Using the tools in the Paths of Grace for recovery will get us there, if we are consistent.
People usually say that it is more common to turn to God during the bad times and forget to pray during the good. But I think the opposite is just as common. When I get stressed out and caught up in a toxic situation, I sometimes neglect to turn to God with my concerns. I get caught on the merry-go-round to the point of puking, but I don't know how to slow it down. If prayer is your daily habit, you will be more inclined to talk to God in every situation, the good, the bad, the ugly--and the beautiful. In future posts I will begin to form a specific outline for Paths of Grace and then explore each path in detail. I hope you continue on this journey of recovery with me.
Remember the Bible story, a favorite of children, in which Jesus has fallen asleep on the boat with his disciples when a great storm suddenly begins to rage? His followers wake Jesus up, fearing for their lives. He comments on their lack of faith before quieting the storm. We codependents are not the type to sleep through storms. We are ever alert, ever vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop. If we can only catch it this time, before it hits the floor... We try to solve our problems on our own, without help, divine or otherwise. After all, we are the ones who hold everything together, get everyone to the storm cellar before the tornado hits the farm. But then we find ourselves still outside screaming, "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"
Somehow we must learn to reside in the calm center of the tornado. There is a still place within the storm, and we need to be able to relax in the arms of God while chaos rages all around us. How do we do this? Prayer is the number one answer. Some people also meditate, fast, practice yoga, read the Bible. We need to take care of ourselves and stay in the present moment. If you look up and the sky is not falling, you are okay. Using the tools in the Paths of Grace for recovery will get us there, if we are consistent.
People usually say that it is more common to turn to God during the bad times and forget to pray during the good. But I think the opposite is just as common. When I get stressed out and caught up in a toxic situation, I sometimes neglect to turn to God with my concerns. I get caught on the merry-go-round to the point of puking, but I don't know how to slow it down. If prayer is your daily habit, you will be more inclined to talk to God in every situation, the good, the bad, the ugly--and the beautiful. In future posts I will begin to form a specific outline for Paths of Grace and then explore each path in detail. I hope you continue on this journey of recovery with me.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Alcoholic Family Roles
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/168187-roles-alcoholic-family.html
When I was a senior in high school, a sibling was identified as an alcoholic, and the rest of the family received counseling at the treatment center. The roles each family member takes on were explained, and the above link gives a detailed explanation of each of these roles. These roles occur as coping strategies in a dysfunctional family. At that time I fit the description of the "hero" perfectly. Often this is the oldest child (like me) who sees more clearly than other members the problem that is going on in the family. The hero excels in academics, sports, music, etc..., which makes the family look good and deflects attention from the problem of alcoholism. See, we aren't that bad--look at this other perfect child! And perfectionism, often leading to workaholism, becomes a characteristic of this hero child. The hero follows all the rules, obeys the status quo. As an adult, the hero may distance himself from the family and look elsewhere for the approval he did not receive in his family of origin. The hero only received approval for his accomplishments, not for just being himself.
The "scapegoat", on the other hand, deflects attention from the alcoholism by getting into other kinds of trouble. According to the above article, alcohol is not identified as an issue; often, the scapegoat is identified as the problem. These roles can continue into adulthood, and it can be very difficult to break these patterns. Other family members may desire that you stay in your role. I broke the status quo by doing things my own way, dancing to the beat of my own drum. While I obeyed the law, achieved higher education as well as schooling for a technical skill, got married, stayed married, and had my child in wedlock, I didn't follow certain expectations, or make decisions others agreed with. I am still the "hero" in that I am more acutely aware that certain situations are unacceptable, dysfunctional, or just not within the realm of a healthy normalcy. I am honest in my feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Others would rather sweep any unpleasantness under the rug. Or the opposite--never let any of my alleged offenses go. So the halo got crooked, then fell off, and my role became more as the scapegoat. And over and over, I get sucked in.
Whether it is alcoholism, drug abuse, clinical depression, or mental illness in your family, it helps to make sense of one's situation by understanding the role one has been assigned. Are you still trapped in it? If you have tried to get off the merry-go-round, do others insist that you stay in your role--or else? Or else rejection, disapproval, criticism, and judgment? If you change, others are forced to change their relationship with you, and that makes people uncomfortable. Even if the alcoholic gets sober or you no longer live with the dysfunctional situation, the family dynamics may not have been allowed to change, heal and improve. It seems that each time I think progress is being made, a new version of the same old stuff raises its ugly head. Perhaps timing is part of the problem. If a member grows up and leaves for college, gets married and moves away, or something like that, his family of origin may not be able to relate to him as the adult he then becomes. They still see him as he was at 18 or whenever the separation occurred. His family doesn't really know or understand the person he is today, and he unconsciously may revert to his previous position in the family, stuck like a skip in a vinyl record album. Or perhaps just because he lives far away, he may be an easy scapegoat for problems occurring at the home base.
"Everything beautiful is the Lord," a wise old woman once told me. If it's ugly, it isn't the Lord. It's the other guy doing his secret evil to drag you to hell. Just don't go there. It's time for a radical shift, and I am the only one who can make it happen for me (super hero cape or not)!
When I was a senior in high school, a sibling was identified as an alcoholic, and the rest of the family received counseling at the treatment center. The roles each family member takes on were explained, and the above link gives a detailed explanation of each of these roles. These roles occur as coping strategies in a dysfunctional family. At that time I fit the description of the "hero" perfectly. Often this is the oldest child (like me) who sees more clearly than other members the problem that is going on in the family. The hero excels in academics, sports, music, etc..., which makes the family look good and deflects attention from the problem of alcoholism. See, we aren't that bad--look at this other perfect child! And perfectionism, often leading to workaholism, becomes a characteristic of this hero child. The hero follows all the rules, obeys the status quo. As an adult, the hero may distance himself from the family and look elsewhere for the approval he did not receive in his family of origin. The hero only received approval for his accomplishments, not for just being himself.
Wonder Woman
The "scapegoat", on the other hand, deflects attention from the alcoholism by getting into other kinds of trouble. According to the above article, alcohol is not identified as an issue; often, the scapegoat is identified as the problem. These roles can continue into adulthood, and it can be very difficult to break these patterns. Other family members may desire that you stay in your role. I broke the status quo by doing things my own way, dancing to the beat of my own drum. While I obeyed the law, achieved higher education as well as schooling for a technical skill, got married, stayed married, and had my child in wedlock, I didn't follow certain expectations, or make decisions others agreed with. I am still the "hero" in that I am more acutely aware that certain situations are unacceptable, dysfunctional, or just not within the realm of a healthy normalcy. I am honest in my feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Others would rather sweep any unpleasantness under the rug. Or the opposite--never let any of my alleged offenses go. So the halo got crooked, then fell off, and my role became more as the scapegoat. And over and over, I get sucked in.
Whether it is alcoholism, drug abuse, clinical depression, or mental illness in your family, it helps to make sense of one's situation by understanding the role one has been assigned. Are you still trapped in it? If you have tried to get off the merry-go-round, do others insist that you stay in your role--or else? Or else rejection, disapproval, criticism, and judgment? If you change, others are forced to change their relationship with you, and that makes people uncomfortable. Even if the alcoholic gets sober or you no longer live with the dysfunctional situation, the family dynamics may not have been allowed to change, heal and improve. It seems that each time I think progress is being made, a new version of the same old stuff raises its ugly head. Perhaps timing is part of the problem. If a member grows up and leaves for college, gets married and moves away, or something like that, his family of origin may not be able to relate to him as the adult he then becomes. They still see him as he was at 18 or whenever the separation occurred. His family doesn't really know or understand the person he is today, and he unconsciously may revert to his previous position in the family, stuck like a skip in a vinyl record album. Or perhaps just because he lives far away, he may be an easy scapegoat for problems occurring at the home base.
"Everything beautiful is the Lord," a wise old woman once told me. If it's ugly, it isn't the Lord. It's the other guy doing his secret evil to drag you to hell. Just don't go there. It's time for a radical shift, and I am the only one who can make it happen for me (super hero cape or not)!
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