When I was a senior in high school, a sibling was identified as an alcoholic, and the rest of the family received counseling at the treatment center. The roles each family member takes on were explained, and the above link gives a detailed explanation of each of these roles. These roles occur as coping strategies in a dysfunctional family. At that time I fit the description of the "hero" perfectly. Often this is the oldest child (like me) who sees more clearly than other members the problem that is going on in the family. The hero excels in academics, sports, music, etc..., which makes the family look good and deflects attention from the problem of alcoholism. See, we aren't that bad--look at this other perfect child! And perfectionism, often leading to workaholism, becomes a characteristic of this hero child. The hero follows all the rules, obeys the status quo. As an adult, the hero may distance himself from the family and look elsewhere for the approval he did not receive in his family of origin. The hero only received approval for his accomplishments, not for just being himself.
Wonder Woman
The "scapegoat", on the other hand, deflects attention from the alcoholism by getting into other kinds of trouble. According to the above article, alcohol is not identified as an issue; often, the scapegoat is identified as the problem. These roles can continue into adulthood, and it can be very difficult to break these patterns. Other family members may desire that you stay in your role. I broke the status quo by doing things my own way, dancing to the beat of my own drum. While I obeyed the law, achieved higher education as well as schooling for a technical skill, got married, stayed married, and had my child in wedlock, I didn't follow certain expectations, or make decisions others agreed with. I am still the "hero" in that I am more acutely aware that certain situations are unacceptable, dysfunctional, or just not within the realm of a healthy normalcy. I am honest in my feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Others would rather sweep any unpleasantness under the rug. Or the opposite--never let any of my alleged offenses go. So the halo got crooked, then fell off, and my role became more as the scapegoat. And over and over, I get sucked in.
Whether it is alcoholism, drug abuse, clinical depression, or mental illness in your family, it helps to make sense of one's situation by understanding the role one has been assigned. Are you still trapped in it? If you have tried to get off the merry-go-round, do others insist that you stay in your role--or else? Or else rejection, disapproval, criticism, and judgment? If you change, others are forced to change their relationship with you, and that makes people uncomfortable. Even if the alcoholic gets sober or you no longer live with the dysfunctional situation, the family dynamics may not have been allowed to change, heal and improve. It seems that each time I think progress is being made, a new version of the same old stuff raises its ugly head. Perhaps timing is part of the problem. If a member grows up and leaves for college, gets married and moves away, or something like that, his family of origin may not be able to relate to him as the adult he then becomes. They still see him as he was at 18 or whenever the separation occurred. His family doesn't really know or understand the person he is today, and he unconsciously may revert to his previous position in the family, stuck like a skip in a vinyl record album. Or perhaps just because he lives far away, he may be an easy scapegoat for problems occurring at the home base.
"Everything beautiful is the Lord," a wise old woman once told me. If it's ugly, it isn't the Lord. It's the other guy doing his secret evil to drag you to hell. Just don't go there. It's time for a radical shift, and I am the only one who can make it happen for me (super hero cape or not)!
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