"I Understand That's How You Feel"

The title of this post is one of those tools used in Al-Anon for situations in which there is conflict one wishes to diffuse. You can tell the conversation is going nowhere good, or the argument is escalating. Often a person just wants to have his or her feelings validated. To avoid assigning blame, or allowing oneself to be verbally attacked, a phrase such as, "I understand that's how you feel" may take the heat out of the argument. I was so happy when a boyfriend who had once been in the Al-Anon program said this to me when I was upset about something. I thought, finally, a guy who understands how I feel! It is no fun when someone tries to talk you out of your feelings, or tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way. So it would seem that this would be an effective response in a sticky conversation.

Except when it doesn't work. Recently a family member brought up a situation from 2010 in which she did not feel I had handled a problem well enough. Right away there is a red flag if past issues are being brought up, clouding the current issue, which should be the only one receiving attention. My effort to validate her feelings with I understand that's how you feel was rejected. Now not only was a minor problem dug back up from a year and a half ago, but I was then accused of using this Al-Anon tool as a way of not admitting I had done something wrong. She also refused to consider her part in the problem, circumstances which certainly magnified the situation for her.

If someone won't allow you to use your recovery tools, what do you do? I don't know. I did say I was sorry that the problem had occurred, but in hindsight, I might have refused to discuss something that has already been discussed and needs to be let go. At the root of much conflict are expectations. I did not meet this person's expectations that day in 2010. My response, "I understand that's how you feel," did not meet her expectations. And that is none of my business.

What I wish to do is to blog here every day, or most days at least, for awhile. See what solutions come to mind, and as an outlet for my feelings and frustrations. Sometimes what I write here does not meet the expectations of other people. They will even tell me what I should and should not write about. That is another big issue--control. Interestingly, every person who has voiced an objection is either an alcoholic (and/or depressed or mentally ill), is married to one or related in another close way, or both. Perhaps the topics hit too close to home. Ironically, the reactions I have gotten rather prove the points I am trying to make. The reader just may not get what I am attempting to discuss, or misunderstands my intentions, assuming the worst. Assume makes an ass out of u and me. And anger is spread around like a cloud of smoke, suffocating us all, and hurt builds upon hurt.

I really can't win. I can't just write about my life. My life. Or a topic of interest to me. Or express my opinion. And that's my point. No one wins in this toxic game of Who's On First. The need to control, or to be offended, or to assign blame is just too strong. When I read something I don't like, I just quit reading it. I don't show it to someone else and try to stir up trouble. I just figure it isn't any of my business and go on with my life. I wish others would do the same, but I have to accept that they are where they are in their spiritual growth, and I am where I am. To live and let live is a difficult art to master.

I have sometimes responded by editing my posts, or trying to clarify my intentions to these people. In other words, I have allowed the alcoholic/mentally ill/depressed person to pull my strings, the very thing from which I am trying to recover! Really, if these folks read this blog without knowing who wrote it, I doubt they would be offended at all. It seems to never be considered that I may be right about anything.

Well, I am done. I am writing what I write. It's time to get off the merry-go-round. It's time to stop having the crazy making conversations. It's time to stop allowing others to insist that I admit to doing/saying/thinking/feeling something wrong. My hope is that as I get better, others will get better, and what I write here will help someone else. That has been my only intention all along.