When "You Can Sit with Us" Doesn't Happen

A few years ago I found a T-shirt for my daughter featuring the minions from the movie, "Despicable Me" with a caption that said, "YOU CAN SIT WITH US." I didn't actually know what it meant; I just knew she would love it. When my husband asked what it meant, I told him I thought it had something to do with the anti-bullying movement. Now I think that what it best signifies is the Christian concept of hospitality and inclusiveness.

We are a homeschooling family, and my daughter took a la carte art and gym classes at a Catholic school when she was younger. She stayed for lunch after the classes. One day when I picked her up, she proudly told me a story. A lone boy was being left out by the other boys in the cafeteria, so the girls invited the outcast to sit with them! 

We expect issues like this to happen with children. But what do you do if it happens among adults, and you are the one not being invited to "sit with us"?

This is exactly what occurred to me yesterday. After I dropped my daughter off at her church youth group, I went to an establishment that serves things to eat and drink. The weather was gorgeous, and they have an outdoor area, so I made my way to it. I encountered a group of women I knew, so I said hello and chatted for a few moments, noticing at least two empty seats. When it became apparent they were not going to invite me to join them, I awkwardly moved away to sit by myself. 

Reflecting on this experience, I imagine what might be said if I shared it at an Al-Anon meeting. The principle of detachment would surely be brought up. To stay emotionally healthy, it helps to take a step back, take note of our feelings, accept them, and then respond rather than react. 

It's my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt, so it isn't hard for me to think that maybe I shouldn't take it personally. After all, these ladies were celebrating a special occasion, and it may not have occurred to them to ask me to join them. But it's also my nature to give people multiple chances, to give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again, sometimes to the extreme of denial about the reality of things. Let's just say this wasn't the first time I'd had occasion to feel unwelcome by members of this group. 

Another likely Al-Anon response would be that my expectations were what led to my feelings of embarrassment and disappointment. To be sure, our expectations can get us into trouble. But the question to ask then is whether or not our expectations are reasonable. Is it reasonable to expect fellow Christians to extend hospitality? I believe that there are sins of omission. Jesus tells us in Scripture that we will be judged for what we fail to do for others, which we have ultimatley failed to do for him.

I've had friends who have taught me by their gracious example how to be a good friend, and I've had people in my life who remind me of how I don't wish to be. I can learn from disappointing experiences to not become complacent and assume that I'm being a good Christian neighbor. In the Catholic Faith we are encouraged to make a regular examination of conscience. This offense I'm feeling reminds me to humbly search out my own shortcomings, confess them, and make amends for them.

I'm reminding myself that God works all things for the good if we let him, so my task now is to learn from this experience and move forward in a strengthened, more confident manner. Later last night I was watching a youtube video about reinventing yourself, and a charming Irishwoman suggested that step one to a brand new you is to find a new tribe. I don't think this is a coincidence. Instead of wondering why these folks don't want me in their tribe, I can focus on those friends who do. The Irishwoman remarked that we need to remove people from our lives who don't support us and make us feel good about ourselves, even if we can't put a finger on why that is.

Without resentment but with Christian detachment, I can draw boundaries. Whenever you shift your perspective and decide to accept the dignity that Christ gives you, a subtle shift in your personality will be felt by others. If you change yourself, your relationships will necessarily change. I can love my neighbor without damaging myself.

I am not obliged to trip all over myself trying to be accepted by anyone. I'm called upon to be a woman of grace, which does not include continuing to extend friendship which results in my feeling repeatedly rejected. I might even be told in an Al-Anon meeting that it isn't any of my business why I was excluded, why a certain individual or group of people doesn't want to be in close relationship with me. 

So instead of worrying whether or not someone likes you, or why they once liked you but have since excluded you from their intimate circle, let go of the need to know. If God wants you to know, he'll give you the answer. If other people want you to know, they'll tell you. If they don't reach out to resolve whatever the conflict may or may not be, that's on them. Keep the focus on yourself and your relationship with the Father whose beautiful, cherished daughter you truly are. And if you need a woman friend who will never, ever let you down, look to Mary, the Blessed Mother of Our Lord.

Not Any of My Business?

art by Sheila Diemert

It has been years since I've written in this blog, and I had actually forgotten all about it! I think what triggered my memory was a recent conversation with someone who said to me, "That's none of your business." The person in question is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I encountered this phrase when I was active in Al-Anon. I found it very freeing to consider that if something was none of my business, I didn't have to do anything about it! I could just set my worry aside and go on with my life. 

But when this particular person says this to me, which he occasionally does, he's missing a vital consideration. It's none of his business to decide what is or is not anyone else's business! I once had an Al-Anon sponsor who was also in AA, and she used, "That's none of your business" as a pat answer to some of the concerns I brought to her for help. Again, there was something truly liberating about that. And I'm sure her intention as my sponsor was to help me to sort out what was and wasn't my concern. Yet she also referred to her sponsees as her "babies." I always thought that was just, yuck. And I still do. 

A better approach if you want to help someone with discernment regarding what is one's "stuff" to own and what is the possession of another, would be to simply and humbly ask, "Do you think that's truly your business, or do think that's something you can't control or change?" Because ultimately, a healthy person has to sort those boundaries for himself, and it's a disservice to categorically decide for someone else what does and doesn't constitute his or her business. Merely stating as a pat response, that's none of your business, doesn't strike me as an honest effort to listen to and support the other's feelings in a heartfelt way. It isn't taking the time to guide a soul in pain or anxiety to a place of peace and right thinking. 

I set a boundary the last time this easy-out, insensitive statement was made, by pointing out very assertively (maybe too assertively) that he wasn't in charge of deciding for me what is or isn't my business. Unfortunately, I also attacked AA as a fake religion, and I realize this was uncharitable. But I went on to explain that the 12 Steps are clearly based upon Catholicism with certain changes, and that I see the dangers in the "twist" the 12 Step programs put on the Truth of Christianity and the sacraments established by Jesus and his Church. 

For example, the 12 Step tradition of having a sponsor comes from the Catholic tradition of working with a spiritual director. Catholic spiritual directors are specially trained to perform this service. In the case of a program like AA, members might share at meetings if they are available to be a sponsor, and those needing a sponsor choose someone to ask. Being a sponsor is a huge responsibility, yet anyone can be one. There is no criteria or training for holding this position. A bad sponsor could do great harm, and there is no authoritative body in place to deal with the issues that may arise. I have seen many a soul being misguided by fellow members of 12 Step programs, who sometimes reflect values contrary to the Christian Faith, or even just plainly lack the skills, morals, and wisdom to finesse a delicate situation constituting grave matter. 

And so the Catholic Church continues to help me to see that there is only one place to ultimately seek the Truth. 12 Step groups may be harmful or helpful, and that's not my business to decide for anyone else. As for me, I've found the country where my soul can rest. 

Unacceptable Behavior

"...persons must authentically relate to other persons. Forum members related experiences of the sting of judgmentalism aimed at them and at others. As one woman pointed out, what is needed is hospitality. This is not merely having pals over for tea. Hospitality includes the ability to look at someone who is completely not you, and to communicate 'I accept you.' I accept you, regardless of your political views, I accept you regardless of your age or marital status, your history. I accept you, regardless of how or whether you express any faith in Christ, and despite any obvious sins you may be in the midst of. I accept you."   --from a blog post at Naru Hodo

I have been following an online group discussion amongst Catholics about how a forced sense of community in parishes creates tension, and those particular buzzwords that grate upon the nerves (such as "faith journey" and "church community"). The conclusion was that the nature of the discomfort is a perceived lack of authenticity. The above quote is a lovely comment on the deeper meaning of hospitality as an antidote to false piety. This really resonated with me and how it relates to the 12 Step concept of acceptance. One of the first steps to recovery is accepting the reality of what is happening in one's life, whether that be an admittance of one's own alcoholism or acceptance of the alcoholism of a loved one. Acceptance extends to the character defects of others and to one's particular life situation and struggles, whatever they may be. Only after accepting the things we cannot change can we summon the courage to change the things we can, and to arrive at a place of wisdom and discernment.

There is a flip side to this coin however, and it is one that always bothered me about the 12 Step program, in particular Al-Anon, of which I was a member for 10 years. It was the idea that we do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. On the surface this sounds empowering. It might seem obvious that certain things, such as domestic violence, would be considered unacceptable. Yet there were those in the 12 Step groups that continued to willingly live in an abusive situation. In reality, there was no yardstick to guide one in determining what should or should not be tolerated, as there is no governing body, creed, or authoritative moral compass inherent to these groups.

It was acknowledged that what is considered unacceptable for one person would be different for someone else and was left at that. While a certain level of subjectivity is to be expected, in hindsight I can easily see how determining that someone else's behavior is unacceptable can stem from a lack of humility and the temptation to judge and harshly criticize others for not meeting your standards. People often tend to appoint themselves as the police of what is and is not appropriate behavior. This attitude negates the "Live and Let Live" slogan of 12 Step philosophy and undermines the goal of acceptance, which has at it's heart empathy, compassion, and unconditional love, both for ourselves and for others.

The temptation to control, censor, and silence the ideas, opinions, and personalities of other people is tremendous and can only be overcome by God's grace. This is why the 12 Step program, though spiritual in nature, was not enough on its own to provide the healing I needed. The great gift the Catholic Church has given me is the recognition that I was depending too much upon the acceptance and approval of others, and if I didn't free myself from this crazy-making merry-go-round, I would never have serenity. In the Church I found the Truth for which I had been seeking. As long as I am under Mary's mantle, I can proceed with confidence and live my life authentically, with the hope that some day I will truly be able to see Christ in every face.

Ecclesia

Do I Offend?

 Andie and the Duck Man

(Molly Ringwald and John Crier)

"Do I offend?"  This movie line, spoken by John Crier's Duck Man character in Pretty in Pink, popped into my head recently when I was worried that I might have offended a friend.  Later in the day after getting together with her, I began to imagine that she might not have liked a comment I made.  She hadn't acted offended at all, and at the time of our conversation no warning bells went off to signal that I had just put my foot in my mouth.  I debated whether or not to bring it up.  Might I only make it worse?  I knew I shouldn't worry about one sentence uttered over a period of hours, yet I finally sent an email telling her I didn't mean to be offensive, to which she responded with surprise, because she wasn't upset at all, and in fact agreed with what I had said.

The Duck Man asks his question as he sniffs under his arm pits, and from my memory he emphasizes a long "o" in offend.  In fact, he emphasizes the whole word.  His attitude suggests that it is the person offended by him who really has the problem.

I think that those of us who have suffered the effects of alcoholism (or other mental/emotional/spiritual disorders), whether being the primary sufferer or the loved one of that person, may become fearful, even paranoid, that something about us stinks.  A person once tried to convince me of both my friendlessness and my husband's.  She had a problem with me, and as proof of something being inherently wrong with me, she brought others into the mix.  She gave one particular name, a long time, close friend of mine, so I asked my friend point blank if it was true.  While my friend had been concerned about me because of problems I was experiencing with the active alcoholism of a loved one, she did not have any personal issue with me, and in fact felt good about our friendship.  We all have bouts of being difficult for others, but that doesn't mean we are in need of radical intervention.

Now we can see that the instigator of this situation put my friend in an awkward position.  Whatever my friend had said, she did not expect her expression of concern for me to be used in a personal attack.  At any rate, I started to assume that people would not like me or want to be my friend because of my figurative "bad odor".  This was a reaction that piggy-backed the fear I had already experienced that people would keep a distance if they knew about my alcoholic situation. I had felt isolated from others by my personal hell--that is the nature of the effects of this disease.  I realize today that the person who found me so offensive was deep in her own pain and distress and was taking it out on me, maybe even projecting her own feelings of friendlessness.  I do not feel resentful, but gosh, wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to undergo such pain?  That wouldn't be real life though, and no one is exempt from suffering.  No one "deserves" perpetual happiness.

I share this story because I realize that I am still affected by these past events in the present.  I am still reacting to this experience and other times when I have been the recipient of unkindness and the withholding of grace.  But since I know how hurtful such attacks can be, I can be more sensitive and kind to others.  I can hold my tongue when I am feeling very emotional.  I can talk to my husband first or a sane friend whose opinion I trust.  Without being overly self-conscious in dealings with others, I can avoid being unnecessarily inflammatory, while at the same time upholding the dignity of my thoughts, wisdom, experience, and feelings.  I can learn how not to act, because I know the extent of the damage of an ill-timed or caustic remark.  I can feel the residual hurt without holding onto it.  I can choose Love. This is of course the ideal situation to aim for, though it is progress, not perfection, that we can expect. We may still fall short of the mark when push comes to shove.

In a way I can't explain, my journey to the Catholic Church is returning me to my authentic personality.  Having a clearer foundation in the Truth as my touchstone, I feel stronger in expressing my opinions and ideas.  My confidence is coming back.  I used to be bold and fearless, and these attributes are resurfacing.  But I also have deeper humility and compassion than I did when I was a younger woman who had a hard time admitting that the other person could be right, that I could be wrong, or that we could both be right about some things and wrong about others.  I feel that now I can stand up for myself, for a belief or a cause, and not walk on eggshells.  I can also do it with more finesse, without such a sharp edge.  Yet there still seems to be that devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear and poking me with his worrywart pitchfork.

The truth is, I have offended people.  Is there anyone who hasn't?  Okay, maybe Mother Mary.  No, she offends people, too.  Jesus really offended people.  Honestly, it kills me when I know I have hurt someone's feelings.  And I don't intend to be offensive and am usually surprised when I get that reaction.  I don't see it coming.  Someone has misunderstood my words, my intentions, my tone of voice, or my meaning.  Sometimes I have not been clear and could have worded my thoughts better.  I think some people simply like being offended.  In college and my early twenties, I sometimes liked to be offended by my boyfriends so I could pick a fight when I was bored with them.  And when they told me I was being overly sensitive, I could be doubly offended!  So I know it's true; some people wallow in deeply offended feelings.

The problem is that you can't possibly know what will offend some people.  There are those offended by dirty jokes, curse words, and the plumber's butt crack.  These might seem to be universally offensive things, but some people love that stuff.  I know a guy who is offended by fat people.  Some are offended by the mention of Jesus, or the voice of President Obama, or commercials for Viagra.  I personally harbor a prejudice against white trash.  Which I guess is racist, too, even though I'm white.  Cigarette butts on the sidewalk in front of a neighbor's house offend me.  But that is my choice to be offended, not the fault of the smoker who has very bad, hillbilly habits.

So my conclusion is that as long as I don't intend to be offensive, then I just can't be overly concerned with how another person might take me.  I think that's why I am so annoyed by the current "just sayin' " trend in which people tack on that phrase to be passive-aggressive, or when they are aware that they are being intentionally offensive but want to cover their behinds.  Either speak your mind or keep it to yourself!  This half-assed, "just sayin' " nonsense offends my sensibilities.  I'm just so sensitive!!

But what do I care if people are wishy-washy Charlie Browns? That's their business.  And it's none of my business what people think of me.  No one should be telling me what someone else said about me (unless it is nice, of course!).  If someone has a problem with me, and he behaves like an adult, he will bring it to my attention himself.  And then I can make amends if necessary and clear up any misunderstanding, or hash out a disagreement, unpleasant as that may be.  It's like our culture is trapped in a long, extended adolescence, and no one teaches that you shouldn't gossip anymore.  Everyone used to know that gossiping was evil.  Now it's the status quo, especially on Facebook.  So is being just plain mean. 

The moral of the story is that I should not have worried that my friend was offended.  If she had been, she would have come to me with it.  And if a friend or relative is offended but does not bring it to my attention, then that may be a friendship I could do without.  Likewise with the person who brings his concern to me wearing war paint and assuming that I had sinister intentions, giving me no benefit of the doubt.  On the other hand, if we know we have been hurtful, then it is our responsibility to own our part in the problem like grown ups.  Sure, the real me may lose some friends along the way.  But she will most likely gain other, and better, companions.  The true blue ones stick around, while the fair weathers are blown about by every wind and will sale off in a ship of their own making.  The circle I have around me will eventually all be Real Rabbits, the more I allow myself to be one. We can love the person who gave us the bad record playing over in our minds even as we throw away the record.  Admit that the record is scratched beyond use and skips endlessly in the same place and just bury it in the ground of Grace.

The Velveteen Rabbit

Humility and Charity

"How might the virtues of humility, mildness, patience, and charity shape our thoughts and actions? First, by humbly striving to recognize the goodness that exists in others with whom we may disagree, even on seemingly fundamental issues, we are able to approach contested issues in a spirit of openness and good faith. Secondly, by practicing true mildness we may maintain a spirit of serenity, avoiding the introduction of a divisive tone or imprudent statements that will offend rather than promote peace and mutual understanding. Thirdly, by true patience we will recognize that in our striving after the arduous good we seek, we must be willing, when necessary, to accept suffering while waiting. Finally, even when we still feel the need to correct our brothers it must be with charity, in the proper time and place."  --Archbishop DiNoia

The archbishop's words say it all, don't they? A spirit of humility is necessary to be able to communicate with others patiently, gently and lovingly. And even then, we may have to accept suffering while we wait for the right time and place and the appropriate disposition in which to approach a brother or sister with a difficult problem. If peace and understanding do not underlie our efforts, then we must set our grievances aside. This is so very difficult, not to lash out, not to immediately assume that we know the intentions of another. Even if we keep our side of the street clean, we may still have to suffer someone else's anger, rejection, hurt feelings, etc...

There are still family relations in my life that have lost a certain level of closeness, where there is uncertainty and tension, while other relationships have come out of the dark night with great progress toward healing, hope and reconciliation. What I have learned is that I can only deal with my own part of the problem and allow others to be responsible for theirs. Sometimes an apology never comes; sometimes a guilty party will not own up to her part in the problem, or the damage she has done in reacting hastily and devoid of charity. I have also become aware that just because someone is a Christian, or goes to church, or has professional experience in an area that one might think would help him to know better how to react or behave, does not mean that person truly has Christ or a firm grasp of spiritual Truth. Intellectually knowing Jesus or having worldly knowledge of any kind does not equal the possession of Wisdom.

Often in Al-Anon meetings a member would acknowledge that a person with whom she was struggling did not have the benefit of the 12 Step program. Even though the help is available, some people are just not ready yet or willing to receive it. That is true not just of the support they might find in a 12 Step group, but the guidance they could be receiving from the Holy Spirit, the Church, or other people if they were humble enough to admit that they needed help, or open enough to consider that they may not be right about those things they have determined to be true. So time and again we return to the Wisdom expressed by the archbishop. We pray for ourselves and others, especially those people that cause us the most grief. We can consecrate ourselves to Jesus through Mary daily, and one day at a time give birth to the God of peace.

New Beginnings

 The Ascension

Happy New Year! I realize I have not been posting here often, and I suppose that is a good sign in regard to my recovery. It is a testimony to how much the Church has helped me to heal from the effects of alcoholism, depression, and mental illness in family members and friends. Interestingly, I find myself strangely not being the object of toxic attacks. Perhaps this is because my aura has changed. I have ceased putting out the signal that I need someone else's approval. I think that if you project the need to be rid of something, and especially if you pray often for it, God gives you more opportunities to fortify your will in accordance with His, to strengthen your faith by allowing adversity to be an answer to prayer. Yes, God does indeed work in mysterious ways! The other side of the coin is that I may be easier to be around, as I become more relaxed in the intense changes that my conversion has brought about. Hopefully I radiate peace, so peace is what I attract.

For example, I was in the presence last night of a person I try not to be around because of his surly disposition. I have in the past been emotionally harmed by him and left feeling very unbalanced. But he talked about the physical pain that he is never free from. Not by virtue of trying to complain about it, but simply that it is a cross he has born for so long that he seems to have come to a state of acceptance about it. Most days it isn't too bad, but sometimes it is terrible, and he lives with it. Who wouldn't be often grouchy in such a situation? He had a softness about him that showed me who he really is under the pain and suffering--a wounded child of God. He is a man of faith, but I couldn't help wishing that he had the Catholic Church to help him on his path to healing. What comfort the Eucharist might bring him, what help might be had by the intercession of the saints. A simple Catholic phrase like, "Offer it up" contains deep, spiritual wisdom. But the most appropriate thing to do in this situation was simply to provide a listening ear and a compassionate heart. It takes courage to share one's suffering. And naturally I will be praying a Rosary for the intention of his healing!

This is a good point of departure for contemplating new beginnings for the New Year. How can we be more understanding and compassionate? How can we let go of the tendency toward judgment and criticism? Most importantly, in what ways can we draw closer to our Lord? Once I have entered into full communion with the Church at the Easter Vigil, I plan to make an act of consecration to Jesus through Mary. Happily, I feel that I have forgiven the trespasses of others, but the sacrament of Confession will keep me taking honest inventory of myself, being sure to forgive myself and others before partaking of Holy Communion. It has been very difficult for me to experience the delay of receiving these sacraments, but I will have my first penance tomorrow! The new year is an opportunity for a clean slate, so make a plan, but realize that you can't go it alone; you need divine assistance. And the plan needs to be flexible, so that you can re-evaluate where you are on the path of your spiritual journey and make adjustments as need be. This is not the time for white-knuckle resolutions, but for contemplation followed by works inspired by the Holy Spirit. Let your motto be "One Day at a Time in 2013".

Grief and the Sorrowful Mysteries

I don't normally like to pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Holy Rosary.  But I was grateful for them yesterday when the news of a mass shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut shocked the nation.  Twenty children dead, all of them first graders.  My daughter and I were on our way to the library to meet up with some friends when my husband told me he had heard the breaking story on the radio.  We don't have TV reception, but I watched the coverage on the library's television.  I had brought my Rosary with me, and I began to pray.  Walking through Jesus' agony and brutal death, keeping tight under Mary's mantle, I found comfort.  There was something I could do for the victims and their families and friends, even for the shooter himself.  I could pray.

Reactions to a shocking grief such as this vary.  Some, like me, will cry.  Some will be very angry and want to find someone to blame, some way that what happened could have been controlled, prevented.  Still others will under-react, as if nothing all that big has happened.  There are even those who will take advantage of the horror in order to further a political agenda.  One friend of mine on the social network wanted to know where God was when those children were gunned down.  If someone would explain it to him, he said, he would be in church the next day.  We live in a fallen world.  We have the gift of free will, to choose either to do good or evil.  We want to know why.  But we may never have all the answers.

There may be a day to take political action, to protest against guns or poor school security.  But today is not that day.  Today is a day to mourn, to grieve, to pray.  It may also be a time for contemplation, even the beginning of a radical reorientation.  Some will pull their children out of school and educate them at home.  I am grateful today for the freedom to homeschool in this country, and glad for having made that choice.  But mostly I feel shocked into a deeper reality.  We only have today, and there are many who will no longer be walking this earth by the time the sun goes down.  How we choose to spend each and every waking day does matter.  How we treat one another and our relationship with God is top priority.  If we choose to hate the shooter, or the government, or the laws, or the guns, we miss the point.  The only reality is Love.  That is the only place we can go if life is to have meaning, if we truly want to understand.  Pick up your beads, get down on your knees, and talk to the One who is Eternal Love.  There is your solace, your peace, your strength, and your hope.

One Day at a Time in Advent

As with everything else in life, we can only prepare for Christmas one day at a time. "One Day at a Time" is one of the main slogans of AA, Al-Anon, and other 12 Step groups. Each of us has the same 24 hours a day, and there is a limit to what we can accomplish in that period of time, especially since we must be sure to sleep at least 7 to 8 hours per night! I need more like 9 to 10 hours to feel properly rested.

Some may wish to hurry up and get Christmas over with. This is a tempting attitude, since for many, especially those dealing with the alcoholism and other dysfunctions of close family members, holiday gatherings are dreaded. Perhaps there is too much drinking and bickering, or old resentments rear their dragon-like heads, or financial strain is especially felt at this time. But to miss out on the spiritual richness of Advent would be a sorrowful state of affairs. The Catholic Church, as usual, provides the way to meaning and wholeness in this special season.

We are no longer in "ordinary time".  It's time now to contemplate the extraordinary, the day when our Savior was born into this world, a divine child suckled at the breast of his human mother, Mary. Pray the Joyful Mysteries of the Rosary and put yourself there in the stable. See the starlight cutting through the darkness and shining upon the baby lying in the manger, asleep on the hay. Imagine the awe of the shepherds visited by an angel who heard the angelic choir ringing out in the night. Behold the gifts of the magi, fit for a king--the King of Kings. Contemplate His humility, His vulnerability, and His reason for coming.

Not officially in this Nativity scene is the little drummer boy of the Rankin-Bass television program. If you can't catch it on TV, check it out on video from your library. It always, without fail, makes me cry. I think it's because the little drummer boy discovers not just the true meaning of Christmas, but of life. He thinks he has no gift to bring, but then he plays his drum for Jesus. This was the boy's purpose in life, to use his musical talent for the glory of God. What gifts has God given you? How well do you use them? This Advent season, make a commitment to use your gifts in alignment with the will of God, to share with others for His honor. This will give your life purpose.

Go to Mass. Light your own Advent candles every Sunday and have dinner with your family by their light each evening. Shop for gifts with bringing joy to the recipient in mind. Eat healthy, and don't overindulge in the sweets. Keep your house picked up, and by all means put up a Christmas tree, even just a small one, and even if you live alone. Decorate your home not just for the holidays, but for winter, making your environment warm and cheerful even on the coldest of days.

Lift the flap on an Advent calendar and read the message with your children every day. My daughter's religious education teacher had the children make a construction paper chain to count down the days till Christmas, and Beezy loves seeing how many days are left. We read the messages and do what they say, such as, "Make popcorn for your family", and she is having a great time following the instructions. Today's message: "Look up at the wonder of the night sky tonight and say thanks to God." Be a kid again, experiencing the wonder of Christmas through the eyes of a child. Establish family traditions. They are worth the effort, and keep them simple. And like my RCIA director said, if whatever you do to prepare for Christmas doesn't bring you closer to Jesus, just don't do it!

R.C.I.A.

This coming Sunday I will go to RCIA a half hour early for an "interview" to discuss how I feel about the process of formal initiation into the Catholic Church so far. There are many things I like about the group, such as alternating teachers every week, the sharing of religious and human experiences, and the deepening of my understanding regarding Catholic teaching. Just as with 12 Step groups such as Al-Anon, there are many different personalities that form the group whole. Our director has made a point to stress that we must be patient with each other, that every person is at a unique place on his or her spiritual path. So far I have not felt particularly bothered by anyone's personality. If I occasionally am, I chalk it up to my own mood!

That being said, some teachers are better, or at least resonate more with me, than others. Some stick to the topic at hand, while others seem barely to associate what they are teaching to the subject matter. Some teachers are more skilled leaders and keep idle chit chat to a minimum, while others allow one tangent after another. In some cases, I wish we would go more deeply into the topic, but most of the teachers supply handouts in addition to the official RCIA guidebook. We are expected to read the relevant material ahead of time in the primary book and be prepared to ask questions. Most of us have asked very good questions, and the answers from the staff are very instructive. I have especially liked how the program relates our personal lives to the workings of the Church, such as comparing family traditions to liturgical ones.

When the parish pastor taught two of the classes, it was so interesting and informative that we ran a half hour over schedule! I did not mind the extra time at all, but my husband was concerned with how late I was getting home. I told the director that I would need to leave on time, as I wanted my husband to remain feeling positive toward my faith journey. I was able to set that boundary kindly and make it particular to myself, rather than insisting that the class always needed to end when it was supposed to. She completely understood, and our class has finished on schedule since.

There is no pressure to stay with the group. We will have three opportunities to make the decision about whether to continue, and up till the end, we can make the decision not to formally join the Church. I have no doubt that at the Easter Vigil in March, I will find myself overjoyed, taking my First Communion and being welcomed into the arms of Holy Mother Church.

Mater Ecclesiae mosaic

The Healing Balm of Truth & Beauty

The natural beauty of the autumn season on a warm, sunny day can hardly be surpassed. Today is such a day, and I am filled with gratitude for the Beauty I have discovered in the Catholic Church. I remember as an English major in college studying the poetry of the Romantics, who capitalized words such as Truth and Beauty. Perhaps this capitalizing of ideals was working in my subconscious and then began to surface as I searched for the right church home for me and my family.  I suspected that the secular idea of finding one's own, personal truth was faulty. "I have to speak my truth," people will say. And even in the sphere of religion this is true, for as Protestant denominations first broke from the Catholic faith, so they have continued to splinter amongst themselves, being defined more by the nature of protest from which the name of Protestant springs, than they are as a beacon of the light of Christ. Even among professing Catholics there is division, as some wish to join the secular parade of self-defined truth. Yet the Church herself cannot error in her official teachings, and she is indeed the last Christian bastion of Truth.

12 Step groups by their nature contain only a portion of the truth, as they by necessity must refrain from proclamations of absolute, God-given Truths. And so while spiritually based, these groups remain secular, and the fullness of healing cannot be found. Help can be found, yes, and there are those wise souls who speak the Truth for others to hear. They are models of faith and charity, and they selflessly share their experience, strength and hope. But perhaps the 12 step groups are like those places in the world that do not know the season of autumn, who have not lived through the physical transformation of color, smell, texture, and sound, the migratory flight of birds, the last call before what looks like death but is only dormancy. Winter is but a dark night of the soul, a waiting place before new life bursts forth from black soil into the light.

Some misunderstand the Truth of Catholicism as a starkness of black and white. They do not understand the both/and nature of the Church; they do not see the in between places where faith grows in stages, where the soul is transformed into a harmony of dazzling color and ineffable Beauty. They ignore the poetry because it is too subtle, too simple, too ordinary to sense the profound depths of the underground river of Life.

Lady Wisdom can be apprehended in the patterns and changing colors of autumn, in the fragrance of burning wood and the crisp air breathed on the night of the harvest moon. She invites us to wake up and taste the cider, put on a costume and dream of who we might be if we only had the courage, if only the wizard really could put valor into our cold, frightened hearts. Imagine for a moment that Beauty is real, and that she can lead you by the hand to Truth. Right here, right now, Love is ours for the asking. Knock, and it will be opened unto you.

Formal Process toward the Church

I am finally a member of R.C.I.A., the Catholic Church's Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults! I began my journey to the Church around this time last year, but by the time I inquired into RCIA, it was too late to join the group. Alas I have had to wait a long time to partake of Holy Communion, and I will still be waiting until the Easter Vigil. Happily, Easter comes in March this year, so my wait will be shorter than many have experienced.

I think I will share my RCIA journey on this particular blog, as the group experience is somewhat similar to what one might find in 12 Step groups such as AA and Al-Anon. In fact, I got a ride home on Sunday with one of the staff members after the class, and she mentioned that anything shared in the class is confidential and should not go outside the group. The RCIA leader is a former member of Al-Alon, like myself, so I was not surprised by this at all. Sunday's topic was faith, and one staff member shared her spiritual journey and how she came to be Catholic. This was similar to an AA lead. RCIA emphasizes taking this journey together and how each person is in a unique place, and we must be patient with one another. There is no pressure to join the Church at the end of the process. You can learn about the faith as you go and decide for yourself whether it is for you.

Our group will still take new members into October, so if you are interested in learning more about the Catholic Church and would like a supportive group environment in which to explore this religion, contact your local parish. What do you have to lose?

The Nature of Guilt

Unhealthy guilt lets us wallow in our emotions, self-hatred, get depressed. We indulge these feelings as a substitute for making concrete resolutions and taking steps to change our behavior. Guilt, then, can be useful, but it should lead to action and then be let go of.

— from When a Teen Chooses You


 As I have mentioned before, it would bother me when I would hear alcoholics talk about avoiding guilt, shame and remorse at all costs, as it would only lead to more drinking. It seems like a qualification is needed between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt. Like physical pain that tells us that there is something wrong in our bodies, guilt can let us know when we have done something morally wrong or something to hurt ourselves or others. It is a signal to stop, look, and listen. Why do we feel guilty? What actions do we need to take to remedy the situation? Then we can make amends to God, to ourselves, and to others.

Unhealthy guilt includes taking responsibility for a problem you did not cause. We Al-Anons, and some alcoholics as well, can have the tendency to be hyper-vigilant caretakers and end up wallowing in worry and obsession. We may have a generalized sense of guilt just for being, as if we are not worthy of unconditional love just as we are. It may seem that no matter how hard we try, something always goes wrong. In this case, the action we need to take may be detachment from certain people or situations, as well as increased use of the tools of prayer, meditation, contemplation, and scripture reading. We need to attend Mass and partake of the Eucharist. We must take care of ourselves and our own business.

Whatever the cause of guilt, it should be faced honestly and squarely, assessed, and dealt with appropriately. When we have done what we can to make any necessary reparation, then we must let it go. The alcoholic, then, should not avoid the guilt he or she feels, for example, as the result of the behaviors displayed during a relapse. It can't just be swept under the rug. Alcoholic drinking always causes a problem for the alcoholic and those around him, and amends therefore must be made to himself and those he harms. The friend or family member of the alcoholic, likewise, may need to make amends for the reaction he has to the relapse, such as screaming, verbal abuse, or other inappropriate behaviors.

Feeling guilt, shame and remorse may be a healthy reaction, telling us that we have lost our connection with God and need to get our lives back on track. It is the wallowing in guilt that signals narcissistic self-pity. Instead, we must be open to receive God's grace and forgiveness. But to receive, we must first ask. Guilt can humble us back into alignment with the will of God.

Contemplative Practice--Obsessive Drinking, Obsessive Thinking

I am currently reading two books on the subject of contemplation from a Christian perspective:  New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton, and Into the Silent Land by Martin Laird.  I have no doubt at this point that the practice of contemplation is key to recovery.

I was thinking back today to a woman in the Al-Anon meeting that I once ran who often compared addiction to alcohol to addiction to sugar. She believed that all addictions were rooted in the same thing. The only difference was the particular substance to which one was addicted. I did not entirely agree with her. After all, I reasoned, sugar does not wreck lives and kill people. It does not take away one's ability to reason. But is that true? Scientific studies have shown that certain food products can be addictive, and sugar is the leader of this gang. If we look at rates of obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and other illnesses, food addiction surely plays a major part, and the death toll rises.

In the rooms of Al-Anon, the distinction was made that the disease of the alcoholic is obsessive drinking, and the problem of the Al-Anon person is obsessive thinking. So what is the common denominator here? Obsession. Furthermore, I am aware from speaking with the alcoholic that in cases of relapse, before he begins drinking, he first begins to think about drinking. Not being able to turn off the obsessive thought patterns, he succumbs to the temptation and begins his cycle of alcoholic drinking all over again. So we can conclude that in all cases of addiction there is at the root the problem of obsession.

Interestingly, obsession is not the sole domain of the alcoholic, other addict, or Al-Anon person. It seems rather to be the plight of human nature since the beginning of time. Look at Adam and Eve in the garden and we find obsession for the forbidden fruit and the yielding to overwhelming temptation. And who was to blame? Partially, it was the evil one disguised as a serpent. Granted, he was no common garden snake. We know from the Book of Revelation that he was actually a dragon, so surely intimidation played a part. We will be looking at the role that Satan plays in taking our thoughts for a ride on a runaway train as we progress in our contemplation of, um, contemplation...

Temptation and Fall, Michaelangelo

Luckily for us, contemplative souls have provided a path out of the loop of obsession. For example, in a sermon on the Third Commandment, keeping holy the Sabbath, we have the words of St. Augustine:

"The third commandment enjoins quietness of heart, tranquility of mind. This is holiness. Because here is the Spirit of God...Unquiet people recoil from the Holy Spirit...In their restlessness they do not allow the silence of the Lord's Sabbath to enter their lives. Against such restlessness we are offered a kind of Sabbath in the heart. As if God were saying, 'Stop being so restless, quieten the uproar in your minds. Let go of the idle fantasies that fly around in your head.' God is saying, 'Be still and see that I am God' (Ps 46). But you refuse to be still. You are like the Egyptians tormented by gnats. These tiniest of flies, always restless, flying about aimlessly, swarm at your eyes, giving no rest. They are back as soon as you drive them off. Just like the futile fantasies that swarm in your minds. Keep the commandment. Beware of this plague."

The seeds of contemplation can be found in the 12 Step Program, but they are not well enough defined. Step 11 says, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out." But how is this accomplished? Tellingly, while prayer was frequently an Al-Anon topic, meditation was rarely discussed. When I once brought it up at a meeting, people offered various ways that they meditate, and certainly many practices can be helpful. Yet I think it true that most people know neither how to pray nor how to meditate effectively. And the topic of contemplation was never explored at all.

So what I want to do here is to follow this path of contemplation in the books I am reading and share what insights I gain in a series that will begin with the first part of the title of this post, Contemplative Practice. And while I acknowledge that there are varying degrees of obsession, and that alcoholism is a particularly potent form, I want to emphasize that this problem of the obsession of the mind is basically human, common to all people, rather than a special disease shared only by the unfortunate. Let's focus on our common ground and the hope of universal solutions.

 

Nothing More than Feelings

You may remember the 1970s sad love song, "Feelings" by Morris Albert.  Here is an excerpt:

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
trying to forget my feelings of love."

I'm sure you can also find this on youtube!  When I graduated from high school, my parents gave me a beautiful wooden jewelry box.  My dad told me that he had chosen it and that it played "Feelings".  It was an especially meaningful gift, because my younger brother was in a 28 day rehab program for alcoholism, so he was not at my graduation or party.  One day after an Al-Anon meeting, I was driving home and started crying like a guest on Barbara Walters' talk show.  The tears would not stop flowing.  For 15 years I had not fully grieved the absence of my brother on that special day.  High school graduation was bittersweet for me, and I went to live with my grandparents that summer before starting college.  I still have the jewelry box, 25 years later!

Recently on a Catholic radio station I heard the program host say that just because you still have feelings regarding a painful situation does not mean that you have not forgiven the person who caused the suffering.  I was relieved to hear this, because I was pretty sure I had forgiven a particular person in my life, but sometimes the hurt would come flooding back.  I just kept praying for the willingness to forgive and for the healing of my broken heart.

Feelings are transitory, and they actually have little to do with Love.  If we read 1 Corinthians 13, we learn that Love is not a  feeling, but rather a state of being.  Please allow me to be an English nerd for a moment.  After the word Love in this Bible passage, the word is (or is not) always follows.  Love is patient, love is kind, etc... "Is" is a form of the root infinitive, to be.  Nowhere in this famous treatise on Love does it mention it being contingent upon feeling a certain way.  Love is ultimately about selflessness, sacrifice, and commitment, and it is unconditional.  We also know that God is Love and that those who do not love do not know God.  "Beloved, let us love one another..." (1 John 4: 7,8)

So when we forgive those whom we love (which includes our enemies, for which we have no fuzzy feelings), we may still feel the occasional sting of their wrongdoing (at least, they were wrong from our perspective).  Continuous resentment, on the other hand, usually tells us that we have not yet forgiven.  But perhaps forgiveness is a process and is not accomplished all at once, in a single moment in time.  It helps to realize that we hurt ourselves the most when we won't forgive, and we do feel so much better when we can put our sorrow in the past.  First love, then forgive.  Only then are we free to come to The Lamb's Supper and be healed by the body and blood of our Lord.

The Alcoholic Mind

vision of the universe as an egg inside the womb of God, Hildegard of Bingen

An alcoholic relative said to me, "I don't think you understand the alcoholic mind."  From here I am just going to meditate upon this idea as the thoughts come to me. What is this alcoholic mind of which he speaks? This is a special mind, it is implied, and indeed, AA is built upon this specialness. "We alcoholics," or the self-deprecating, "We drunks..." is foundational to the program and its tome, the Big Book. There is the alcoholic we, who are understood to be all the same in a certain way and are separate from others, those who are not of the we. It is self-will and ego run amok, the program says, the absence of humility that stands in the way of sobriety. And perhaps that is indeed a piece of the puzzle.

Yet is not the overly inflated ego merely the flip side of the coin of low self-esteem? Does the Alcoholics Anonymous program actually unwittingly encourage such grandiosity/self-deprecation? Alcoholics I have known imagine themselves to be unusual geniuses. They have secret meetings, a secret code of language, and secret gods who live in the the alcoholic's personal understanding. Those in the group compose a well insulated circle, and those who have "gone back out," or were never inside it in the first place, are regarded warily.

When I felt left out of the tight circle of a certain alcoholic with his special mind, I joined my own group, Al-Anon, with its own secret meetings, secret language, and secret gods. I might even have had my own, special Al-Anon mind. Beth, a friend of mine in the program, often spoke of being "in my disease." We had our own secret disease too, it seems! We had our secret club that other people couldn't understand because they did not know the language and what it was like to be married, or otherwise closely related, to an alcoholic.

I think that all of this specialness is counterproductive. It imagines that people do not already have as the ground of their being the fact that each of us is made in the image and likeness of God. Only another alcoholic can understand, can help... Really? Other human beings are such foreigners, have such different minds, that they cannot understand simply by virtue of their common humanity?

 Jesus in Mary's womb

I once picked a woman up out of the pouring rain and offered to give her a ride home. She had been waving her arms frantically in the dark. She looked like a normal woman. But she had no home. She was outside working, in the oldest profession. So I brought her to my apartment and discovered she had been wounded, dragged down an alley and raped. Her arm and chest were becoming infected. I drove out to Kroger at a quarter to one in the morning and got first aid supplies to treat and dress her wounds. The next day at the hospital the doctor (who thought I was either very brave or crazy) looked shocked when he took off the bandages and asked, "Who dressed these wounds?" He could do nothing better for them than I had done and just put on fresh coverings. I could not know the depth of this woman's pain, yet my hands held the power to heal her.

The woman's name was Joyce. Her dad had begun to pimp her out when she was 11 years old, and she had a long scar on her belly that she said was from an ice pick. Joyce loved my cat. She looked at fashion magazines with me. We shared a time together as any two women, any two friends with common interests and taste in clothes. She was more alone than I, but still, I too was alone, living by myself with my cat. We both just wanted to be loved and accepted and to feel safe. We both had scars, hers much more horrifying than mine. I gave her a bag of clothes and shoes, and she said, "No one has never been this nice to me." My heart broke indescribably. She was a blessing to me as well. For but by the grace of God go I, I thought to myself. How quickly I could go from living from paycheck to paycheck to being destitute. But I had a good family to help me, and great friends. Was my mind so different from Joyce's? Was my heart?

It is the illusion of separateness, of specialness, that is the problem. If we can stop trying to acquire serenity and believe that God the Holy Spirit desires to live within us; if we can, through contemplation, learn to live from the heart-mind, which is from a deeper place than our transitory thoughts and emotions, then we would know we are all connected. Even those who are not Christians, who are not part of the Body of Christ via the Sacrament of Baptism, are our neighbors. We all come together as the spokes at the center of a wheel, and God is the hub. But we typically live on the outer rim, and we perceive that we are disconnected from one another.

In The Reed of God, Caryll Houselander says that we must learn to see Christ in everyone. Not in some, or in most. Not only in those who seem Christlike, but in everyone, in every single person that we meet. If we do this, then we find in this union that purest actualization of what makes us each a unique expression of humanity. We become more of who we really are, at our root. Our personalities, our so-called "defects of character" do not fall away. But we find ourselves, and God dwelling within us, when we lose ourselves. When we die to ourselves.

St. Paul said it, about there no longer being Jew or Gentile, male or female, etc... but only Christ who is in us. In a similar way, I do not believe that there is any "alcoholic mind" or special "Al-Anon disease" when you get right down to it. There is no "god of my understanding". There is God, and there is Christ in God, and there is me in Christ in God, and there is Christ in me. And we are all in Him, enclosed in his womb, and He is in us.

 from God Picked Me, by Louise A. Andreae

“Beautiful is God, the Word with God … He is beautiful in heaven, beautiful on earth; beautiful in the womb, beautiful in his parents’ arms, beautiful in his miracles, beautiful in his sufferings; beautiful in inviting to life, beautiful in not worrying about death, beautiful in giving up his life and beautiful in taking it up again; he is beautiful on the Cross, beautiful in the tomb, beautiful in heaven. Listen to the song with understanding, and let not the weakness of the flesh distract your eyes from the splendour of his beauty." --St. Augustine

Contemplative Approach to Recovery

This blog was first called "Catholic Twelve Steps" and later, "Paths to Grace".  With a new look and a new name, Garland of Grace Recovery Page, I want to once again pull focus and better define the shape this page is taking. Originally I thought I might draw up a new set of 12 Steps for recovery from a Catholic perspective, but as I have been writing, I have basically set aside that idea altogether. Instead, I have reflected upon what I have learned of Catholic teachings so far and applied that, along with the helpful tools I picked up as a long-time member of Al-Anon, to provide an alternative approach to healing. I have brought out the limitations of programs such as AA and Al-Anon and am proposing that a traditional Catholic way of living the sacramental life holds the fullest possibility of permanent sobriety and restoration of wholeness.

There is still much questioning to be done regarding the assumptions of the 12 Steps and teachings of Alcoholics Anonymous, upon which Al-Anon is based. I feel led now to a contemplative approach to solutions for both the addicts and those loved ones affected by such illnesses as alcoholism (and those conditions sometimes concurrently present, such as mental illness and depression).

Contemplation is defined as a) concentration on spiritual things as a form of devotion, and b) a state of mystical awareness of God's being.  For me, such contemplation ultimately relies upon Marian devotion, the "old school" devotion advocated by St. Louis de Montfort, of the to Jesus through Mary tradition. My personal practice of Catholicism also centers on the contemplation of Holy Wisdom and the wisdom tradition found in the Bible in books such as Proverbs, Job, Sirach, and the Wisdom of Solomon. For the fear of the Lord is the root of Wisdom, and by Wisdom we learn to practice true religion.

In my opinion, the contemplative, sacramental life is the supreme path to joy, wholeness, and a state of divine grace. You can begin simply with a daily time of prayer (the Rosary or reading from a Marian prayer book is helpful) and the reading of passages from the Wisdom books and from the Gospels. Regular attendance at Mass is crucial, and this blog will continue to give a more precise shape to the "Paths to Grace" (I will continue to use this particular name) program as we proceed.

With the help that I receive through the love and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, I hope to use my gift of language, by God's grace, to provide hope and understanding to others, as well as to make better sense of my own experiences. We can't expect an exemption from suffering, but we can learn to unite our sorrows to Jesus on the cross. We may not be able to be happy every moment of every day, whether or not the alcoholic is still drinking. But holiness is our goal, not freedom from pain. To drink of the eternal wellspring of joy daily is possible, while happiness will come and go. We must learn to know the difference. Let us not be satisfied with merely being "spiritual" in the new age way of indifferentism. Let us rather bring back Religion and seek the one, holy and apostolic Truth of the Church founded by our Lord and Savior.

Forgiveness and Healing, Continued

Shortly after writing my last post, when I was wondering whether forgiveness or healing comes first, I received an answer. In The Reed of God, Caryll Houselander states that the shortest path to healing is forgiveness. Well, there it is, and it makes sense. As I have written before, when Jesus and the Bible speak of healing, there is usually, if not always, a definite reference to the forgiveness of sins. And how can our own sins be forgiven, and therefore how can we receive healing, if we have not forgiven others? At the same time, I think there is a difference between resentment and grief. There are distinctive stages of grief, and we need to allow ourselves to work through them. Forgiveness may come before the grief subsides completely. We can love someone who has hurt us, and not entirely shut him out, yet give ourselves some time and distance to heal. Forgiveness may not mean an immediate resuming of the previous status of the relationship. Trust may have been broken and needs to be restored.

Recently the husband of someone who hurt me deeply was hospitalized. When I found out, I immediately called her and kept her husband in my prayers. That in itself contributed to my healing. To have ignored her in her time of need would have been truly unloving and unforgiving. I also meditated while praying the Rosary on the unfathomable depth of Jesus' forgiveness, and what horrors Mary also suffered and forgave. In comparison, I have very little to forgive.

So now I am praying for both the grace to forgive as well as my own spiritual healing. I cannot know God's will for all of my relationships, so I have to just turn it over. I have to let go and let God. I have to offer it up, in that classic Catholic way. I still have not put my problem in a "God box", so perhaps I am not ready yet to let it go. But I can pray for the willingness to write it down and tuck it safely away in God's keeping.

Forgiveness and Healing--Which Comes First?

 Immaculate Heart of Mary

I am wondering today, which comes first, forgiveness or healing?  In other words, if someone has deeply hurt my feelings, do I need to heal first in order to forgive and forget, or do I need to forgive and forget in order to heal?  I am currently in a situation in which a relative has caused me deep grief, and this person cannot really understand how I feel, either because she chooses to see things only from her own perspective, or simply because she is not a mother and cannot comprehend my mother's heart.  She does not think she did anything wrong.  Despite expressing my broken-heartedness in the original case, this person made additional choices which compounded my pain.  She was going to let me walk into a situation that she must have known was going to hurt me, and luckily another family member did not think this was right and spilled the beans.  I sucked it up and endured the day, but now what?

If she did not care enough about our relationship to tell me the truth, if nothing else but to prepare me for what was to come, then what kind of relationship can we have?  The fear of upsetting another person is no excuse for allowing them to be blind-sighted by a fast pitch.  If we cannot share openly and honestly despite the consequences, then our relationships will always be superficial and likely to harbor resentment.  I had a small epiphany that perhaps all of the praying I have been doing for the healing of strained relationships is not quite the right focus.  I realized that I have to pray for healing for myself, because otherwise these relationships can't heal.  Expecting healing from someone who has hurt you can be like going to the hardware store for bread.

Since I had talked to this person already in the initial instance on at least two occasions, and written her a letter as well, my feelings and position were clear.  The straw that subsequently broke the camel's back, then, seems pointless to address.  She didn't get it, or she would have chosen differently.  Sometimes the solution is to do nothing.  Today I do not have to make the phone call, write the letter, or have the conversation.  In spiritual struggles there is always something to be learned.  It may not be my lesson that needs to be learned in this case; it may be hers.  We "Al-Anons" sometimes have an overly developed sense of responsibility, thinking it is up to us to fix things, to settle differences, or to make the other person see the light.  Just for today, I can turn it over and leave it there.  I can write the problem on a piece of paper and put it in a "God box."  Let the problem take care of itself, in its own way, in its own time.  And I can do the same thing tomorrow, and the day after that.  I can continue to pray for my own healing and the humility to forgive and forget.  The forgiving part is not so hard.  The trouble is in avoiding picking open the scab. Underneath Mary's mantle is the only place to be, close to her Immaculate Heart.

Dealing with the Peanut Gallery (a Depression Issue Update)

The most viewed post of this blog, by far, is titled "Depression in a Loved One."  This tells me that in the land of recovery, depression is a hot button topic. Yet when I wrote it, I had no idea how extremely hot. It all began when I did an internet search for advice on how to help loved ones suffering from grief and depression. A number of people I am close to have experienced loss, grief, and heartbreak in relatively recent times, as well as serious health problems and mental/emotional issues. The link between alcoholism/addiction and depression and mental illness is strong. In fact, a friend of mine who works at a rehabilitation facility told me that there is only one addict patient there who is not also mentally ill (keep in mind, however, that this is only the case in one treatment center; I do not know the statistics across the board). In my reading I came across research establishing the contagious nature of depression (like a psychological sneeze), and I noted the similarity between those cases and the conventional wisdom that alcoholism becomes a "family disease."

Problems with friends and family members in the areas of addiction, depression, and mental illness were not only recent. I reflected on instances going more than 20 years back, and suddenly so many things began to make sense. I realized I had been affected not only by the alcoholism of people close to me, but by their issues with depression and mental illness as well. Having put such a significant piece into the puzzle, naturally I wanted to share it. I use no real names in this blog, nor do I use my own, not even in my profile. I did, however, share the link for "Depression in a Loved One" on my Facebook wall. I share links to other websites, blogs, etc. regularly, so there was no reason to necessarily assume I wrote the post, and I did not invite anyone personally to read it. Nevertheless, and despite the fact that one can send a personal message to Facebook or post comments right here at the blog, instead I received negative responses, some attacking my character quite zealously, directly on my wall. I will call this group the Peanut Gallery, and name them Lucy, Schroeder, and Peppermint Patty (all are related by blood or marriage).

 Peanuts cartoon by Charles Schultz

Call me Marcie. Marcie wrote her book report in her typical, literary nerd type way, completely unaware that she had hidden, evil intentions. But Lucy was deeply offended, Schroeder started banging hard on his keyboard with steam coming out of his ears, and worst of all, Peppermint Patty loudly accused Marcie of writing mean things about Sally. Now, this a report about recovery, and Marcie obviously was striving for some semblance of anonymity, but Peppermint Patty blew the chances of that all to hell right on Facebook.

Now, the fact of the matter is that the report was not specifically about Sally or anyone else. Marcie used a composite character name to describe her experiences with many people over the course of decades. Most specifically the composite character reflected the case of a large percentage of people Marcie had heard speak at Al-Anon meetings, people depressed and disturbed by the drinking/addiction of their children, who were in their teens and twenties. It additionally reflected various family members and friends of Marcie, including her own husband, who did not assume it had anything to do with him at all and was in no way offended by it. It included Marcie herself, who was also not offended by this report apparently written by her sinister doppelganger while she was sleeping (or at least she began to grow paranoid and wonder...)

Linus also read the report and became so vicious as a result that Marcie feared for the safety of herself and her family, and now Marcie's husband will not allow Linus to visit their home. Peppermint Patty told Marcie that someone else told her she just had to read Marcie's report. I can't help but think of rich women with servants in the 1960s who had nothing better to do than play bridge all afternoon and gossip (see the movie, The Help). I have no idea who passed the report on to Sally, who is very sensitive and who the family knew was in an intense state of grief, or to Linus, who though usually a sweet, loving person, is easily set off (both are also family members). How can the Peanut Gallery claim to care for these people yet intentionally point their attention to something they thought would be very hurtful? But Marcie, says the Peanut Gallery, if you wouldn't have written your book report and tried to be "helpful" in the first place... Yes, just call me Charlie Brown. What a stupid Christmas tree I chose, indeed!

But wait, the merry-go-round is still spinning! Because of the damage done by all the large nuts thrown at my head, I have no desire to host the family Christmas party or other gatherings of the whole clan. This would be no big deal except that the main reason I started doing this was to take the burden off my grandmother. She is worn out by health issues and her age and does not need to be frantically cleaning her home and preparing a bunch of food. She is happy to do it, of course, but it is better if she doesn't have to. Only one other family member ever hosts for the holidays, and that is not often, so since I have the large home to accomodate a lot of people and I enjoy having parties, I do it.  Now that I feel so alienated, I do not wish to do it this year, so who will take the burden from Grandma? Well, Christmas is still far away, and we should not worry about tomorrow.  The pertinent point is to expose just how far the effects of those flying nuts can reach, and what terrible bruises they leave.

Whoever read Marcie's report first might have called Marcie on the phone to talk over his or her concerns. To get some more information. To discover Marcie's real intentions. The bottom line of the report, after all, was about becoming more aware of the source of relationship difficulties and therefore to respond with deeper understanding and compassion, both for oneself and for others. And to avoid being hurt by the effects of the depression (some of which can be irrational thoughts, unhealthy behaviors, and disproportionate anger) of a loved one and its contagious nature. The tendency, unfortunately, among those affected by alcoholism/depression/mental illness is to be reactionary. They (myself included) feel compelled to respond immediately, without taking a deep breath, without waiting for the initial heat of emotion to disperse and then to attempt to objectively evaluate the situation. Technology makes this bad habit of reaction too easy, and you can't burn the letter after you write it. In the case of Marcie's report, she was not feeling angry or resentful and so felt safe in sharing her experiences. That was evidently a foul ball regardless. Caryll Houselander's spiritual classic, The Reed of God, has shed some new light on these things for me. She writes:

"People who will not compromise with Christ's values are uncomfortable neighbors for mediocrity; they are likely to be misunderstood; they are often hated...In the world in which we live today, the great understanding given by the Spirit of Wisdom must involve us in a lot of suffering. We shall be obliged to see the wound that sin has inflicted on the people of the world...And in proportion to our understanding we are likely to be misunderstood...But if the misunderstanding of the world outside our homes can afflict us, it is nothing compared with the misunderstanding of those who are very dear to us (and this is so frequent that it is almost inevitable)...Even the presence of Christ in us does not do away with our own clumsiness, blindness, stupidity; indeed, sometimes because of our limitations, His light is a blinding light to us and we become, for a time, more dense than before. We shall still be irritable, still make mistakes, and still very likely be unaware of how exasperating we are."

Marcie, for her part, went back to edit her report for greater clarity, to hopefully affect the tone and intention that she was seeking, and removed the composite character's name entirely. She informed the Peanut Gallery of her honest efforts to alleviate their misunderstanding and concern. The damage done to Sally and Linus is done. They fed off the Gallery's peanuts and thought the worst of Marcie too. I think that it would behoove all of the characters in this story to extend a heaping spoon of Grace to one another and each to drink deeply from the cup of humility. Otherwise the devil wins.

Sabbatical

Under Mary's Mantle holy card

When you hear the word sabbatical, what probably comes to mind is the year off that college professors take from teaching, traditionally every seven years, in order to write, study, refresh, and fill the well. Anyone who teaches in any capacity runs the risk of burnout. One must occasionally take time off in order to have something to give one's students. While mothers cannot take an official sabbatical such as this, they are often encouraged to "take a break" from their children occasionally. I used to go to yoga class as a kind of sabbatical from the pressures of being a new mother. Dropping one's baby off at the nursery for church can be such a relief! Well, where I live, Catholics don't have Sunday school or a nursery for the little ones; everyone is in the sanctuary for Mass! But you get the picture.

Sabbatical can have a broader meaning, being a break from any sort of occupation, for the same reasons as the college professor takes one--to learn, to grow as a person, to recharge one's batteries. It usually still implies a substantial chunk of time, and it is different from a vacation. The idea is not just to be entertained or to go somewhere different from the place in which one lives. A sabbatical can be taken at home. It more has the flavor of going inward, of gestation. While we are not in the Advent season of the liturgical year right now, we may have a personal advent at any time of our lives. Some people cycle through a personal advent yearly with the official Advent time leading up to Christmas. But I think we all have personal cycles that include the advent experience, when we are preparing ourselves for some type of growth, or when we feel we need to distance ourselves from the outer world in some way before we can give of ourselves in certain ways again. Any woman who has been pregnant knows of this "nesting" period, this time of inner contemplation.

Many years ago a close friend of mine would regularly call me on the phone and talk exclusively for 10 minutes straight. When she was done, she would say she had to go and rush off the phone, never asking how I was doing or what I was up to. I didn't want to end the friendship, but I was growing weary of what seemed like her self-absorption. My solution was to scale back on the time I spent with her. And when she called, I let my answering machine pick it up most of the time. When I felt like listening to her and had nothing better to do for 10 minutes, I would return her call. This distancing (you might call it a sabbatical!) went on for about a year, and then on her own, my friend changed. I think she had been lonely and bored with her life, and she just needed someone to pay all of their attention to her sometimes. I set my boundaries without hurting her feelings or complaining about her behavior. I simply changed my behavior, and eventually my friend quit monopolizing conversations and asked about my life.

For awhile now I have been feeling that my life is going to take a decisive turn in a new direction, but I haven't gotten the divine message yet regarding exactly what that might be. I keep praying and waiting, not making any big decisions until I feel like the time is right. I know from experience that this is the best approach for me. I used to work as an esthetician at a day spa. When I first learned about this career possibility, I was really excited about the idea. My first facial had been heavenly, and I immediately had the intuition that this was something I might like to do. But it was a year and a half before I called the school about beginning the program in this field. I just woke up one day, literally, and said, "It's time!"

I will begin RCIA, the Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults, in September. The nine months leading up to the Easter vigil, when I will be confirmed and take First Communion, will be a type of advent, a time of spiritual gestation and deep seeking. Perhaps this is the thing I am feeling is going to take precedence, while other activities take a back seat. I also want more time to write and have a book that is taking shape. I am not planning to participate in a homeschooling co-op this fall, and I am undecided regarding giving my usual dance classes. Since beginning my journey to Catholicism, I have a greater desire to make my family an even bigger priority, to savor every bit of my daughter's childhood, which has already gone so quickly, and to make my marriage stronger. The home should be a "domestic church", just like the body is a divine Temple. So I am following my inner rhythms, allowing myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit, drawing myself under Mary's mantle, and being open to the divinely led Sabbatical, the Advent of which consummation is no less than rebirth.