Nothing More than Feelings

You may remember the 1970s sad love song, "Feelings" by Morris Albert.  Here is an excerpt:

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
trying to forget my feelings of love."

I'm sure you can also find this on youtube!  When I graduated from high school, my parents gave me a beautiful wooden jewelry box.  My dad told me that he had chosen it and that it played "Feelings".  It was an especially meaningful gift, because my younger brother was in a 28 day rehab program for alcoholism, so he was not at my graduation or party.  One day after an Al-Anon meeting, I was driving home and started crying like a guest on Barbara Walters' talk show.  The tears would not stop flowing.  For 15 years I had not fully grieved the absence of my brother on that special day.  High school graduation was bittersweet for me, and I went to live with my grandparents that summer before starting college.  I still have the jewelry box, 25 years later!

Recently on a Catholic radio station I heard the program host say that just because you still have feelings regarding a painful situation does not mean that you have not forgiven the person who caused the suffering.  I was relieved to hear this, because I was pretty sure I had forgiven a particular person in my life, but sometimes the hurt would come flooding back.  I just kept praying for the willingness to forgive and for the healing of my broken heart.

Feelings are transitory, and they actually have little to do with Love.  If we read 1 Corinthians 13, we learn that Love is not a  feeling, but rather a state of being.  Please allow me to be an English nerd for a moment.  After the word Love in this Bible passage, the word is (or is not) always follows.  Love is patient, love is kind, etc... "Is" is a form of the root infinitive, to be.  Nowhere in this famous treatise on Love does it mention it being contingent upon feeling a certain way.  Love is ultimately about selflessness, sacrifice, and commitment, and it is unconditional.  We also know that God is Love and that those who do not love do not know God.  "Beloved, let us love one another..." (1 John 4: 7,8)

So when we forgive those whom we love (which includes our enemies, for which we have no fuzzy feelings), we may still feel the occasional sting of their wrongdoing (at least, they were wrong from our perspective).  Continuous resentment, on the other hand, usually tells us that we have not yet forgiven.  But perhaps forgiveness is a process and is not accomplished all at once, in a single moment in time.  It helps to realize that we hurt ourselves the most when we won't forgive, and we do feel so much better when we can put our sorrow in the past.  First love, then forgive.  Only then are we free to come to The Lamb's Supper and be healed by the body and blood of our Lord.

Dealing with the Peanut Gallery (a Depression Issue Update)

The most viewed post of this blog, by far, is titled "Depression in a Loved One."  This tells me that in the land of recovery, depression is a hot button topic. Yet when I wrote it, I had no idea how extremely hot. It all began when I did an internet search for advice on how to help loved ones suffering from grief and depression. A number of people I am close to have experienced loss, grief, and heartbreak in relatively recent times, as well as serious health problems and mental/emotional issues. The link between alcoholism/addiction and depression and mental illness is strong. In fact, a friend of mine who works at a rehabilitation facility told me that there is only one addict patient there who is not also mentally ill (keep in mind, however, that this is only the case in one treatment center; I do not know the statistics across the board). In my reading I came across research establishing the contagious nature of depression (like a psychological sneeze), and I noted the similarity between those cases and the conventional wisdom that alcoholism becomes a "family disease."

Problems with friends and family members in the areas of addiction, depression, and mental illness were not only recent. I reflected on instances going more than 20 years back, and suddenly so many things began to make sense. I realized I had been affected not only by the alcoholism of people close to me, but by their issues with depression and mental illness as well. Having put such a significant piece into the puzzle, naturally I wanted to share it. I use no real names in this blog, nor do I use my own, not even in my profile. I did, however, share the link for "Depression in a Loved One" on my Facebook wall. I share links to other websites, blogs, etc. regularly, so there was no reason to necessarily assume I wrote the post, and I did not invite anyone personally to read it. Nevertheless, and despite the fact that one can send a personal message to Facebook or post comments right here at the blog, instead I received negative responses, some attacking my character quite zealously, directly on my wall. I will call this group the Peanut Gallery, and name them Lucy, Schroeder, and Peppermint Patty (all are related by blood or marriage).

 Peanuts cartoon by Charles Schultz

Call me Marcie. Marcie wrote her book report in her typical, literary nerd type way, completely unaware that she had hidden, evil intentions. But Lucy was deeply offended, Schroeder started banging hard on his keyboard with steam coming out of his ears, and worst of all, Peppermint Patty loudly accused Marcie of writing mean things about Sally. Now, this a report about recovery, and Marcie obviously was striving for some semblance of anonymity, but Peppermint Patty blew the chances of that all to hell right on Facebook.

Now, the fact of the matter is that the report was not specifically about Sally or anyone else. Marcie used a composite character name to describe her experiences with many people over the course of decades. Most specifically the composite character reflected the case of a large percentage of people Marcie had heard speak at Al-Anon meetings, people depressed and disturbed by the drinking/addiction of their children, who were in their teens and twenties. It additionally reflected various family members and friends of Marcie, including her own husband, who did not assume it had anything to do with him at all and was in no way offended by it. It included Marcie herself, who was also not offended by this report apparently written by her sinister doppelganger while she was sleeping (or at least she began to grow paranoid and wonder...)

Linus also read the report and became so vicious as a result that Marcie feared for the safety of herself and her family, and now Marcie's husband will not allow Linus to visit their home. Peppermint Patty told Marcie that someone else told her she just had to read Marcie's report. I can't help but think of rich women with servants in the 1960s who had nothing better to do than play bridge all afternoon and gossip (see the movie, The Help). I have no idea who passed the report on to Sally, who is very sensitive and who the family knew was in an intense state of grief, or to Linus, who though usually a sweet, loving person, is easily set off (both are also family members). How can the Peanut Gallery claim to care for these people yet intentionally point their attention to something they thought would be very hurtful? But Marcie, says the Peanut Gallery, if you wouldn't have written your book report and tried to be "helpful" in the first place... Yes, just call me Charlie Brown. What a stupid Christmas tree I chose, indeed!

But wait, the merry-go-round is still spinning! Because of the damage done by all the large nuts thrown at my head, I have no desire to host the family Christmas party or other gatherings of the whole clan. This would be no big deal except that the main reason I started doing this was to take the burden off my grandmother. She is worn out by health issues and her age and does not need to be frantically cleaning her home and preparing a bunch of food. She is happy to do it, of course, but it is better if she doesn't have to. Only one other family member ever hosts for the holidays, and that is not often, so since I have the large home to accomodate a lot of people and I enjoy having parties, I do it.  Now that I feel so alienated, I do not wish to do it this year, so who will take the burden from Grandma? Well, Christmas is still far away, and we should not worry about tomorrow.  The pertinent point is to expose just how far the effects of those flying nuts can reach, and what terrible bruises they leave.

Whoever read Marcie's report first might have called Marcie on the phone to talk over his or her concerns. To get some more information. To discover Marcie's real intentions. The bottom line of the report, after all, was about becoming more aware of the source of relationship difficulties and therefore to respond with deeper understanding and compassion, both for oneself and for others. And to avoid being hurt by the effects of the depression (some of which can be irrational thoughts, unhealthy behaviors, and disproportionate anger) of a loved one and its contagious nature. The tendency, unfortunately, among those affected by alcoholism/depression/mental illness is to be reactionary. They (myself included) feel compelled to respond immediately, without taking a deep breath, without waiting for the initial heat of emotion to disperse and then to attempt to objectively evaluate the situation. Technology makes this bad habit of reaction too easy, and you can't burn the letter after you write it. In the case of Marcie's report, she was not feeling angry or resentful and so felt safe in sharing her experiences. That was evidently a foul ball regardless. Caryll Houselander's spiritual classic, The Reed of God, has shed some new light on these things for me. She writes:

"People who will not compromise with Christ's values are uncomfortable neighbors for mediocrity; they are likely to be misunderstood; they are often hated...In the world in which we live today, the great understanding given by the Spirit of Wisdom must involve us in a lot of suffering. We shall be obliged to see the wound that sin has inflicted on the people of the world...And in proportion to our understanding we are likely to be misunderstood...But if the misunderstanding of the world outside our homes can afflict us, it is nothing compared with the misunderstanding of those who are very dear to us (and this is so frequent that it is almost inevitable)...Even the presence of Christ in us does not do away with our own clumsiness, blindness, stupidity; indeed, sometimes because of our limitations, His light is a blinding light to us and we become, for a time, more dense than before. We shall still be irritable, still make mistakes, and still very likely be unaware of how exasperating we are."

Marcie, for her part, went back to edit her report for greater clarity, to hopefully affect the tone and intention that she was seeking, and removed the composite character's name entirely. She informed the Peanut Gallery of her honest efforts to alleviate their misunderstanding and concern. The damage done to Sally and Linus is done. They fed off the Gallery's peanuts and thought the worst of Marcie too. I think that it would behoove all of the characters in this story to extend a heaping spoon of Grace to one another and each to drink deeply from the cup of humility. Otherwise the devil wins.

The Art of the Lament

If you are to work through your suffering and come into the light, you must learn the art of the lament. First one must avoid denial and admit the pain and horror of one's circumstances or situation. The alcoholic is notorious for failing to acknowledge his problem with drinking, rationalizing in any number of ways. For example, despite imbibing enough whiskey in one night to die of alcohol poisoning, the alcoholic may argue that he doesn't binge that often, maybe only once a month (at least for awhile). The friend or family member of the alcoholic may also deny that there is a serious issue, since perhaps the alcoholic does not drive drunk or has not lost his job. We all want to feel normal, and be perceived as such by others, so the suffering person puts on a happy face and acts as if nothing is wrong.

Maybe we also don't want to be whiners or be accused of being melodramatic. We were raised to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and not ask others for help. True, we should not glorify suffering, but if we want to get better, we have to take the first step to grief and healing by learning to cry out our pain. The Psalms give us ample material for how to move from overwhelmed silence to the bold speech of lament. See Psalms 22, 44, 53, 77, 88, and 109 for a start. The Psalmist may even help you put your problem in perspective. You may be at least a little relieved that your plight is not quite so horrendous as his! Or if it is, then you have a comrade in your distress. Jesus himself offered a tortured lament from the cross, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?!"

Children have not yet become so constrained by society that they are self-conscious regarding appropriate behavior, so they will offer a lament quite naturally. "That's not fair!" they cry out against their perceived injustice, stomping a foot or kicking and screaming on the floor. "Don't have a fit and fall in it," an adult may advise. While we may not want to run through the grocery store knocking boxes and cans off the shelves to express our grief, we need to find a safe way to do it. Take your cue from the child who laments with abandon. Cry your heart out while taking a shower. Read one of the Psalms out loud, with full expression, and make the lament your own. Pray the sorrowful mysteries of the Rosary and unite your suffering to Christ's. Don't be afraid to bend the ear of a compassionate friend, a spiritual advisor, your priest, or a therapist. Such crying out to God allows us to both grieve and to grow into a mature covenant partner with Him.

Lament allows us to put our trust in God. That is the next step. The lament keeps us in conversation with God, renewing our faith and hope and keeping us on a path of Love and Grace. Matthew 10:29-31 says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows."

The Blessed Mother also hears our cries, and the Memorare of St. Bernard is a powerful prayer for her intercession: "Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that any one who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, and sought thy intercession, was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee I come, before thee I stand sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate! despise not my petitions, but, in thy mercy, hear and answer me. Amen." You could even take a pilgrimage for spiritual and/or physical healing, such as to the Basilica of Our Lady of Consolation in Carey, Ohio.

Our Lady of Consolation

Basilica in Carey, Oh

The Memorare reminds us to acknowledge our sinful nature, and then we can move on to admitting that at times our choices have caused personal and social suffering. Now we can become ready to move toward repentance and a change of heart. We need to reach out to others, asking for help and receiving what they offer, allowing them to accompany us in our "dark night of the soul." At the same time that we break our isolation from others, we move toward God, who may seem very distant at this time. Lament, praise, gratitude--all these are forms of worship.

Years ago I read a life-changing idea in Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance: A Day Book of Comfort and Joy. I encourage you to adopt her practice of keeping a gratitude journal in which you write a list of 5 things each day for which you are grateful. It's okay if the only things you can come up with are the meeting of your basic needs--a roof over your head, food on the table, etc... Gratitude will radically alter the way you see your life and the world. Ban Breathnach also advocates daily journaling in which you write for three pages in a stream-of-consciousness style, just letting whatever is on your mind and heart pour out. In this way you can write your way to wellness (and you can whine all you need!).

Next we follow the life and ministry of Jesus and work as individuals and as communities to overcome and end suffering. Awareness of the world's suffering gets us out of our own pain as we directly express our compassion for others with a listening ear and comforting words, by preparing meals, running errands, providing transportation, or taking political, social, and economic action. We pray daily for those who suffer, offering up our own suffering for the blessing of another. We can't do everything, but we can do at least one thing to promote the relief of the suffering of someone else.

No matter what we are able to do, suffering remains a mystery. Therefore, we lament and act to overcome suffering, even as we acknowledge the incomprehensibility of the injustice and terrorism resulting from people's evil choices, or the pain that comes from horrible accidents. We can try to understand that the suffering of incurable disease or natural disasters simply happens in a world that is not yet fulfilled. We must ask how we can respond to suffering, what we can do to help ourselves and others, and receive the peace and joy that comes from profound trust in a compassionate God. As we continue this holy week toward the Resurrection, let's look forward to the time when we too will rise, and remember that the darkest hour comes before dawn.

* (Some of the ideas on the art of the lament have come from "The Mystery of Suffering," a Catholic Update article by Kenneth R. Overberg, S.J.)