Unacceptable Behavior

"...persons must authentically relate to other persons. Forum members related experiences of the sting of judgmentalism aimed at them and at others. As one woman pointed out, what is needed is hospitality. This is not merely having pals over for tea. Hospitality includes the ability to look at someone who is completely not you, and to communicate 'I accept you.' I accept you, regardless of your political views, I accept you regardless of your age or marital status, your history. I accept you, regardless of how or whether you express any faith in Christ, and despite any obvious sins you may be in the midst of. I accept you."   --from a blog post at Naru Hodo

I have been following an online group discussion amongst Catholics about how a forced sense of community in parishes creates tension, and those particular buzzwords that grate upon the nerves (such as "faith journey" and "church community"). The conclusion was that the nature of the discomfort is a perceived lack of authenticity. The above quote is a lovely comment on the deeper meaning of hospitality as an antidote to false piety. This really resonated with me and how it relates to the 12 Step concept of acceptance. One of the first steps to recovery is accepting the reality of what is happening in one's life, whether that be an admittance of one's own alcoholism or acceptance of the alcoholism of a loved one. Acceptance extends to the character defects of others and to one's particular life situation and struggles, whatever they may be. Only after accepting the things we cannot change can we summon the courage to change the things we can, and to arrive at a place of wisdom and discernment.

There is a flip side to this coin however, and it is one that always bothered me about the 12 Step program, in particular Al-Anon, of which I was a member for 10 years. It was the idea that we do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. On the surface this sounds empowering. It might seem obvious that certain things, such as domestic violence, would be considered unacceptable. Yet there were those in the 12 Step groups that continued to willingly live in an abusive situation. In reality, there was no yardstick to guide one in determining what should or should not be tolerated, as there is no governing body, creed, or authoritative moral compass inherent to these groups.

It was acknowledged that what is considered unacceptable for one person would be different for someone else and was left at that. While a certain level of subjectivity is to be expected, in hindsight I can easily see how determining that someone else's behavior is unacceptable can stem from a lack of humility and the temptation to judge and harshly criticize others for not meeting your standards. People often tend to appoint themselves as the police of what is and is not appropriate behavior. This attitude negates the "Live and Let Live" slogan of 12 Step philosophy and undermines the goal of acceptance, which has at it's heart empathy, compassion, and unconditional love, both for ourselves and for others.

The temptation to control, censor, and silence the ideas, opinions, and personalities of other people is tremendous and can only be overcome by God's grace. This is why the 12 Step program, though spiritual in nature, was not enough on its own to provide the healing I needed. The great gift the Catholic Church has given me is the recognition that I was depending too much upon the acceptance and approval of others, and if I didn't free myself from this crazy-making merry-go-round, I would never have serenity. In the Church I found the Truth for which I had been seeking. As long as I am under Mary's mantle, I can proceed with confidence and live my life authentically, with the hope that some day I will truly be able to see Christ in every face.

Ecclesia

Humility and Charity

"How might the virtues of humility, mildness, patience, and charity shape our thoughts and actions? First, by humbly striving to recognize the goodness that exists in others with whom we may disagree, even on seemingly fundamental issues, we are able to approach contested issues in a spirit of openness and good faith. Secondly, by practicing true mildness we may maintain a spirit of serenity, avoiding the introduction of a divisive tone or imprudent statements that will offend rather than promote peace and mutual understanding. Thirdly, by true patience we will recognize that in our striving after the arduous good we seek, we must be willing, when necessary, to accept suffering while waiting. Finally, even when we still feel the need to correct our brothers it must be with charity, in the proper time and place."  --Archbishop DiNoia

The archbishop's words say it all, don't they? A spirit of humility is necessary to be able to communicate with others patiently, gently and lovingly. And even then, we may have to accept suffering while we wait for the right time and place and the appropriate disposition in which to approach a brother or sister with a difficult problem. If peace and understanding do not underlie our efforts, then we must set our grievances aside. This is so very difficult, not to lash out, not to immediately assume that we know the intentions of another. Even if we keep our side of the street clean, we may still have to suffer someone else's anger, rejection, hurt feelings, etc...

There are still family relations in my life that have lost a certain level of closeness, where there is uncertainty and tension, while other relationships have come out of the dark night with great progress toward healing, hope and reconciliation. What I have learned is that I can only deal with my own part of the problem and allow others to be responsible for theirs. Sometimes an apology never comes; sometimes a guilty party will not own up to her part in the problem, or the damage she has done in reacting hastily and devoid of charity. I have also become aware that just because someone is a Christian, or goes to church, or has professional experience in an area that one might think would help him to know better how to react or behave, does not mean that person truly has Christ or a firm grasp of spiritual Truth. Intellectually knowing Jesus or having worldly knowledge of any kind does not equal the possession of Wisdom.

Often in Al-Anon meetings a member would acknowledge that a person with whom she was struggling did not have the benefit of the 12 Step program. Even though the help is available, some people are just not ready yet or willing to receive it. That is true not just of the support they might find in a 12 Step group, but the guidance they could be receiving from the Holy Spirit, the Church, or other people if they were humble enough to admit that they needed help, or open enough to consider that they may not be right about those things they have determined to be true. So time and again we return to the Wisdom expressed by the archbishop. We pray for ourselves and others, especially those people that cause us the most grief. We can consecrate ourselves to Jesus through Mary daily, and one day at a time give birth to the God of peace.

New Beginnings

 The Ascension

Happy New Year! I realize I have not been posting here often, and I suppose that is a good sign in regard to my recovery. It is a testimony to how much the Church has helped me to heal from the effects of alcoholism, depression, and mental illness in family members and friends. Interestingly, I find myself strangely not being the object of toxic attacks. Perhaps this is because my aura has changed. I have ceased putting out the signal that I need someone else's approval. I think that if you project the need to be rid of something, and especially if you pray often for it, God gives you more opportunities to fortify your will in accordance with His, to strengthen your faith by allowing adversity to be an answer to prayer. Yes, God does indeed work in mysterious ways! The other side of the coin is that I may be easier to be around, as I become more relaxed in the intense changes that my conversion has brought about. Hopefully I radiate peace, so peace is what I attract.

For example, I was in the presence last night of a person I try not to be around because of his surly disposition. I have in the past been emotionally harmed by him and left feeling very unbalanced. But he talked about the physical pain that he is never free from. Not by virtue of trying to complain about it, but simply that it is a cross he has born for so long that he seems to have come to a state of acceptance about it. Most days it isn't too bad, but sometimes it is terrible, and he lives with it. Who wouldn't be often grouchy in such a situation? He had a softness about him that showed me who he really is under the pain and suffering--a wounded child of God. He is a man of faith, but I couldn't help wishing that he had the Catholic Church to help him on his path to healing. What comfort the Eucharist might bring him, what help might be had by the intercession of the saints. A simple Catholic phrase like, "Offer it up" contains deep, spiritual wisdom. But the most appropriate thing to do in this situation was simply to provide a listening ear and a compassionate heart. It takes courage to share one's suffering. And naturally I will be praying a Rosary for the intention of his healing!

This is a good point of departure for contemplating new beginnings for the New Year. How can we be more understanding and compassionate? How can we let go of the tendency toward judgment and criticism? Most importantly, in what ways can we draw closer to our Lord? Once I have entered into full communion with the Church at the Easter Vigil, I plan to make an act of consecration to Jesus through Mary. Happily, I feel that I have forgiven the trespasses of others, but the sacrament of Confession will keep me taking honest inventory of myself, being sure to forgive myself and others before partaking of Holy Communion. It has been very difficult for me to experience the delay of receiving these sacraments, but I will have my first penance tomorrow! The new year is an opportunity for a clean slate, so make a plan, but realize that you can't go it alone; you need divine assistance. And the plan needs to be flexible, so that you can re-evaluate where you are on the path of your spiritual journey and make adjustments as need be. This is not the time for white-knuckle resolutions, but for contemplation followed by works inspired by the Holy Spirit. Let your motto be "One Day at a Time in 2013".

R.C.I.A.

This coming Sunday I will go to RCIA a half hour early for an "interview" to discuss how I feel about the process of formal initiation into the Catholic Church so far. There are many things I like about the group, such as alternating teachers every week, the sharing of religious and human experiences, and the deepening of my understanding regarding Catholic teaching. Just as with 12 Step groups such as Al-Anon, there are many different personalities that form the group whole. Our director has made a point to stress that we must be patient with each other, that every person is at a unique place on his or her spiritual path. So far I have not felt particularly bothered by anyone's personality. If I occasionally am, I chalk it up to my own mood!

That being said, some teachers are better, or at least resonate more with me, than others. Some stick to the topic at hand, while others seem barely to associate what they are teaching to the subject matter. Some teachers are more skilled leaders and keep idle chit chat to a minimum, while others allow one tangent after another. In some cases, I wish we would go more deeply into the topic, but most of the teachers supply handouts in addition to the official RCIA guidebook. We are expected to read the relevant material ahead of time in the primary book and be prepared to ask questions. Most of us have asked very good questions, and the answers from the staff are very instructive. I have especially liked how the program relates our personal lives to the workings of the Church, such as comparing family traditions to liturgical ones.

When the parish pastor taught two of the classes, it was so interesting and informative that we ran a half hour over schedule! I did not mind the extra time at all, but my husband was concerned with how late I was getting home. I told the director that I would need to leave on time, as I wanted my husband to remain feeling positive toward my faith journey. I was able to set that boundary kindly and make it particular to myself, rather than insisting that the class always needed to end when it was supposed to. She completely understood, and our class has finished on schedule since.

There is no pressure to stay with the group. We will have three opportunities to make the decision about whether to continue, and up till the end, we can make the decision not to formally join the Church. I have no doubt that at the Easter Vigil in March, I will find myself overjoyed, taking my First Communion and being welcomed into the arms of Holy Mother Church.

Mater Ecclesiae mosaic

The Healing Balm of Truth & Beauty

The natural beauty of the autumn season on a warm, sunny day can hardly be surpassed. Today is such a day, and I am filled with gratitude for the Beauty I have discovered in the Catholic Church. I remember as an English major in college studying the poetry of the Romantics, who capitalized words such as Truth and Beauty. Perhaps this capitalizing of ideals was working in my subconscious and then began to surface as I searched for the right church home for me and my family.  I suspected that the secular idea of finding one's own, personal truth was faulty. "I have to speak my truth," people will say. And even in the sphere of religion this is true, for as Protestant denominations first broke from the Catholic faith, so they have continued to splinter amongst themselves, being defined more by the nature of protest from which the name of Protestant springs, than they are as a beacon of the light of Christ. Even among professing Catholics there is division, as some wish to join the secular parade of self-defined truth. Yet the Church herself cannot error in her official teachings, and she is indeed the last Christian bastion of Truth.

12 Step groups by their nature contain only a portion of the truth, as they by necessity must refrain from proclamations of absolute, God-given Truths. And so while spiritually based, these groups remain secular, and the fullness of healing cannot be found. Help can be found, yes, and there are those wise souls who speak the Truth for others to hear. They are models of faith and charity, and they selflessly share their experience, strength and hope. But perhaps the 12 step groups are like those places in the world that do not know the season of autumn, who have not lived through the physical transformation of color, smell, texture, and sound, the migratory flight of birds, the last call before what looks like death but is only dormancy. Winter is but a dark night of the soul, a waiting place before new life bursts forth from black soil into the light.

Some misunderstand the Truth of Catholicism as a starkness of black and white. They do not understand the both/and nature of the Church; they do not see the in between places where faith grows in stages, where the soul is transformed into a harmony of dazzling color and ineffable Beauty. They ignore the poetry because it is too subtle, too simple, too ordinary to sense the profound depths of the underground river of Life.

Lady Wisdom can be apprehended in the patterns and changing colors of autumn, in the fragrance of burning wood and the crisp air breathed on the night of the harvest moon. She invites us to wake up and taste the cider, put on a costume and dream of who we might be if we only had the courage, if only the wizard really could put valor into our cold, frightened hearts. Imagine for a moment that Beauty is real, and that she can lead you by the hand to Truth. Right here, right now, Love is ours for the asking. Knock, and it will be opened unto you.

Nothing More than Feelings

You may remember the 1970s sad love song, "Feelings" by Morris Albert.  Here is an excerpt:

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
trying to forget my feelings of love."

I'm sure you can also find this on youtube!  When I graduated from high school, my parents gave me a beautiful wooden jewelry box.  My dad told me that he had chosen it and that it played "Feelings".  It was an especially meaningful gift, because my younger brother was in a 28 day rehab program for alcoholism, so he was not at my graduation or party.  One day after an Al-Anon meeting, I was driving home and started crying like a guest on Barbara Walters' talk show.  The tears would not stop flowing.  For 15 years I had not fully grieved the absence of my brother on that special day.  High school graduation was bittersweet for me, and I went to live with my grandparents that summer before starting college.  I still have the jewelry box, 25 years later!

Recently on a Catholic radio station I heard the program host say that just because you still have feelings regarding a painful situation does not mean that you have not forgiven the person who caused the suffering.  I was relieved to hear this, because I was pretty sure I had forgiven a particular person in my life, but sometimes the hurt would come flooding back.  I just kept praying for the willingness to forgive and for the healing of my broken heart.

Feelings are transitory, and they actually have little to do with Love.  If we read 1 Corinthians 13, we learn that Love is not a  feeling, but rather a state of being.  Please allow me to be an English nerd for a moment.  After the word Love in this Bible passage, the word is (or is not) always follows.  Love is patient, love is kind, etc... "Is" is a form of the root infinitive, to be.  Nowhere in this famous treatise on Love does it mention it being contingent upon feeling a certain way.  Love is ultimately about selflessness, sacrifice, and commitment, and it is unconditional.  We also know that God is Love and that those who do not love do not know God.  "Beloved, let us love one another..." (1 John 4: 7,8)

So when we forgive those whom we love (which includes our enemies, for which we have no fuzzy feelings), we may still feel the occasional sting of their wrongdoing (at least, they were wrong from our perspective).  Continuous resentment, on the other hand, usually tells us that we have not yet forgiven.  But perhaps forgiveness is a process and is not accomplished all at once, in a single moment in time.  It helps to realize that we hurt ourselves the most when we won't forgive, and we do feel so much better when we can put our sorrow in the past.  First love, then forgive.  Only then are we free to come to The Lamb's Supper and be healed by the body and blood of our Lord.

Sabbatical

Under Mary's Mantle holy card

When you hear the word sabbatical, what probably comes to mind is the year off that college professors take from teaching, traditionally every seven years, in order to write, study, refresh, and fill the well. Anyone who teaches in any capacity runs the risk of burnout. One must occasionally take time off in order to have something to give one's students. While mothers cannot take an official sabbatical such as this, they are often encouraged to "take a break" from their children occasionally. I used to go to yoga class as a kind of sabbatical from the pressures of being a new mother. Dropping one's baby off at the nursery for church can be such a relief! Well, where I live, Catholics don't have Sunday school or a nursery for the little ones; everyone is in the sanctuary for Mass! But you get the picture.

Sabbatical can have a broader meaning, being a break from any sort of occupation, for the same reasons as the college professor takes one--to learn, to grow as a person, to recharge one's batteries. It usually still implies a substantial chunk of time, and it is different from a vacation. The idea is not just to be entertained or to go somewhere different from the place in which one lives. A sabbatical can be taken at home. It more has the flavor of going inward, of gestation. While we are not in the Advent season of the liturgical year right now, we may have a personal advent at any time of our lives. Some people cycle through a personal advent yearly with the official Advent time leading up to Christmas. But I think we all have personal cycles that include the advent experience, when we are preparing ourselves for some type of growth, or when we feel we need to distance ourselves from the outer world in some way before we can give of ourselves in certain ways again. Any woman who has been pregnant knows of this "nesting" period, this time of inner contemplation.

Many years ago a close friend of mine would regularly call me on the phone and talk exclusively for 10 minutes straight. When she was done, she would say she had to go and rush off the phone, never asking how I was doing or what I was up to. I didn't want to end the friendship, but I was growing weary of what seemed like her self-absorption. My solution was to scale back on the time I spent with her. And when she called, I let my answering machine pick it up most of the time. When I felt like listening to her and had nothing better to do for 10 minutes, I would return her call. This distancing (you might call it a sabbatical!) went on for about a year, and then on her own, my friend changed. I think she had been lonely and bored with her life, and she just needed someone to pay all of their attention to her sometimes. I set my boundaries without hurting her feelings or complaining about her behavior. I simply changed my behavior, and eventually my friend quit monopolizing conversations and asked about my life.

For awhile now I have been feeling that my life is going to take a decisive turn in a new direction, but I haven't gotten the divine message yet regarding exactly what that might be. I keep praying and waiting, not making any big decisions until I feel like the time is right. I know from experience that this is the best approach for me. I used to work as an esthetician at a day spa. When I first learned about this career possibility, I was really excited about the idea. My first facial had been heavenly, and I immediately had the intuition that this was something I might like to do. But it was a year and a half before I called the school about beginning the program in this field. I just woke up one day, literally, and said, "It's time!"

I will begin RCIA, the Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults, in September. The nine months leading up to the Easter vigil, when I will be confirmed and take First Communion, will be a type of advent, a time of spiritual gestation and deep seeking. Perhaps this is the thing I am feeling is going to take precedence, while other activities take a back seat. I also want more time to write and have a book that is taking shape. I am not planning to participate in a homeschooling co-op this fall, and I am undecided regarding giving my usual dance classes. Since beginning my journey to Catholicism, I have a greater desire to make my family an even bigger priority, to savor every bit of my daughter's childhood, which has already gone so quickly, and to make my marriage stronger. The home should be a "domestic church", just like the body is a divine Temple. So I am following my inner rhythms, allowing myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit, drawing myself under Mary's mantle, and being open to the divinely led Sabbatical, the Advent of which consummation is no less than rebirth.

St. Therese on Self-Defense

"When we are misunderstood and judged unfavorably, what good does it do to defend or explain ourselves? Let the matter drop and say nothing. It's so much better to say nothing and allow others to judge us as they please! We don't see in the Gospel where Mary explained herself when her sister accused her of remaining at Jesus' feet, doing nothing! She didn't say: 'Oh, Martha, if you only knew the joy I am experiencing, if you only heard the words I hear! And besides, it's Jesus who told me to remain here.' No, she preferred to remain silent. O blessed silence that gives so much peace to souls!"  -- St. Therese of Lisieux

 St. Therese of Lisieux, Doctor of the Church

When I read the above quote, I was amazed. It sounded just like advice I had learned in Al-Anon! But Therese lived only 24 years, from 1873-1897, way before the term "alcoholism" existed, certainly before there were any 12 step groups. If someone wanted to know the meaning of detachment, I would point him to St. Therese. But she was a saint, one of the most beloved of all time, we might argue. She is called the "Little Flower of Jesus", for heaven's sake. What hope have we of emulating this French Carmelite nun? But if we want to recover, to be at peace, to live life on our own terms, what choice do we have but to walk the path of the Little Flower? One thing we can do right now is to pray for her intercession! Search your library or the internet and read about this remarkable woman who became so holy is such a short while. She had much more to say.

Notice that Therese's attitude in no way sounds defensive. There is a lightness, just like we perceive in Mary of Bethany. We are not obligated to justify ourselves to anyone, nor to defend ourselves in any way. Defending against a thing makes it real. Therese's (and Mary of Bethany's) only reality was Jesus.

 Mary of Bethany

Much of the time, it is not other people who disappoint us; it is our expectations of them. For example, Renee is hurt because her mother compares her unfavorably to her siblings. She does not live up to her mother's expectations of her. When Renee then feels defensive, she may become unkind, or she may scramble to do the thing that she thinks will satisfy her mother. Such responses will inevitably backfire, and Renee will be living her life to please someone else, or she will behave in a way that makes her not feel good about herself. She will undercut her own self-worth by allowing her mother to find fault with her. Instead, Renee must face the painful truth that she is not unconditionally valued and accepted by her mother, respond as kindly as she can, and resist the urge to be a people pleaser. She must let go of her expectations that her mother will accept her exactly as she is.

Everyone is different, and Renee need not be like her brother or her sister. She only has to be the best Renee that she can be. Competition forced upon siblings, and favoritism shown by a parent, is no less harmful to adults than it is to children. If she takes the advice of St. Therese, Renee can see more clearly that insidious family merry-go-round and walk in the opposite direction, not in a state of anger, grief, or anxiety, but like a child through a field of wildflowers, the breeze playing in her hair.

Becoming like St. Therese and Mary of Bethany is not easy. But if we walk the path of holiness, how can we go wrong? We are the apple of our Father's eye, the beloved of our Blessed Mother. We are all seeds waiting to become Little Flowers. We don't have to respond to the accusations and expectations of others. We can just be. We can wait. We can pray. We can abide in sacred silence and trust that all will be well, if only we let go, empty ourselves, and allow ourselves to be filled with the light of Holy Wisdom--to be free.

A Religious Approach to Recovery

Twelve step groups such as AA are sometimes criticized for being religious programs. An atheist who joins Alcoholics Anonymous may feel like he is being told that he doesn't have to prescribe to any particular religious beliefs, but at the same time he must believe in some sort of Higher Power, God is intrinsic to the program, and the Lord's Prayer is said at meetings. I want to be clear here that my approach to recovery is not only religious, but is specifically Christian, and Catholic in particular. That is not to say that Protestant Christians or people of other faiths could not apply Paths of Grace to their lives. I just want to clarify what this spiritual path is all about for me.

I'm starting from scratch. I can't say whether any of the 12 Step programs actually help people. The 12 Step program may be a cult, may be its own religion, may or may not contradict the teachings of the Church. My inclination right now is to just push the whole thing aside for a time. I have to find my own voice.

What sets apart a great artist from a bad one, or one who is merely mediocre, is authenticity. A poet learns his craft from the model of other great poets, but eventually he has to write the poem that only he can write. The artist who compromises loses integrity. Trying to please everyone, or relate to all, pleases no one, and no one can relate. Paths to Grace is the practice of Catholicism. It's the understanding that there is the family of origin, and there is the Family of God, and Jesus has clearly commanded that His family comes first. Only the primacy of relationship with Him can heal. That is the thing to work on first. That is where I must start.

In my family of origin, and even in the extended family, my voice has repeatedly been silenced. The message is that I should not want attention. I should not feel/believe/act/think/speak without approval. I am not unconditionally valued. If any truth is spoken to me, it is spoken in the absence of grace, and so I further withdraw from certain relationships. I am tired. Tired. Tired. Tired of feeling guilty and not knowing what I am guilty of. Perhaps I am guilty of not being perfect. I am not playing my hero role. I can't beg and plead anymore. It is demeaning and crushes my spirit. Why do we insist on wanting relationships in which we are not wanted? Not only is the ball no longer in my court, I'm off the court. I'm not sitting on the witness stand. I'm closing the case.

Do over! There is but one Truth. That is my only goal. And God has given me a voice to speak it, and a Life in which to live it, as only I can do. Do not be silent. Do not go to your grave having never really lived. What a tragedy. What a comedy. What an empty stage. A rose has thorns for a reason. Find out what the reason is. Be the rose.

Re-Evaluating the Twelve Steps

Many people have recently looked at the original post for this blog, titled "The Twelve Steps--A Catholic Perspective", so I think it's time to define my purpose and intentions again. The "program" I have been slowly developing has as its base God's Grace, rather than a set of steps. I have been reflecting upon various slogans, ideas, and practices regarding what I personally experienced as a member of Al-Anon for 10 years and what I observed as the close family member and friend of a number of alcoholics. My feeling now is that something new is taking shape, and that I may not be making a systematic re-evaluation (and potential re-writing) of the 12 Steps after all (although I will continue to loosely do this as I have been). Those steps help many people and can be a springboard for sobriety, healing, and a better way of life. I still use some of the tools I learned in Al-Anon which do not conflict with my religious beliefs. But I left the program to search for that Something More that the program can't offer, and then I began to be aware of what its specific limitations are, which is part of what I have been writing about here. My goal now is to illuminate alternative paths to healing, rather than to reinvent the wheel.

In Al-Anon I was told that all the answers to my problems were to be found in the 12 Steps. But what is interesting is the fact that the "step meetings" were the least attended of all types. For example, if the first Sunday of each month was designated by a group to be a meeting to study a particular step, there was a noticeable difference in the number of people who would come that week. The step meeting involves readings out of books about the step in question, and each reader then comments--or not--on what he or she has read. So why weren't these meetings as popular? Evidently, what people really want and need is to talk. They want to choose their own topics, tell others their problems, and listen to the answers. They want the personal experiences of the people sitting in the room. They want their own experiences and feelings validated, to know that they aren't alone. They want talk therapy.

That doesn't mean the steps weren't important to them, and some people really appreciated getting more deeply into a discussion of a step. It just wasn't, perhaps, the main thing that drew them to the program. Some steps seemed difficult to understand, and there is no absolute teaching on them. "Take what you like and leave the rest" sounds good in theory, but you may be leaving out something essential, and taking something that in reality is a bitter pill. It wasn't unusual for a person to get "stuck" on a step and never progress to the next. It is taken for granted that the 12 Step model is the most effective, and so many other  groups have adopted it, such as Overeaters Anonymous. Such programs work for some people, to a certain extent. I think for now I will just continue on as I have been, writing as I am inspired, and relaying the insights I have gained. Only time will tell what form the new path will take!

Daily Mass & the Eucharist

The pastor in my local parish is also the pastor for a nearby town. I called him there this morning, and the church secretary said he was on his way to give the Mass where I live. So I just went to Mass today and spoke with him afterward. I was glad, because I was out of town over the weekend and didn't make it to church. The daily Mass is only about 20 minutes long, as opposed to about 50 minutes on Sunday. There was no music and only a small gathering of people. Yet it was what I needed today, just to be in church and turn my attention to the presence of God as much as possible. Although I have not been through RCIA yet and so cannot take the bread and wine of the Eucharist, I still go through the line and receive a blessing. I can feel the Real Presence even though I can't eat and drink of it, and I believe that I receive Jesus because of my intention.

When a person joins Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon, members encourage him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. In a city like Columbus where I used to live, that could be done fairly easily, as there are meetings at every time of day. I used to go to Al-Anon on my lunch breaks. How fortunate Catholics are that we can attend Mass every day if we so desire, even in rural areas and small towns. Some are very early in the morning, so one could go before work. I don't discourage anyone from attending a 12 Step meeting if it helps him or her. But for the most profound healing and the ultimate closeness to God, nothing can compare with the Eucharist. I desire it so much that it takes all the patience I have in me to wait. But even if you aren't Catholic, just being there in church, reminding you to be conformed to Christ (and through Mary if you wish), is going to strengthen your faith, bless you, and keep you from temptation. Try daily Mass, in addition to Sundays, as often as you can. What a difference 90 consecutive days partaking in the Real Presence of our Lord would make! Jesus within you, all around you, and in all things. 

Then Jesus said to them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in me, and I in him" (John 7: 53-56). Jesus says nearly the same thing four times in a row, so that the point cannot be missed. Whenever He was being metaphorical, Jesus always explained His symbolism (ie., building one's house upon the rock alludes to faith rather than a physical dwelling place). He does not ever suggest that He is comparing one thing to another, and so the blood and flesh here is literal. Since He said at the Last Supper, "This is my body" when He broke the bread, and "This is my blood" when He poured the wine, it can be taken no other way than that the bread and wine are miraculously transformed into the body and blood of Christ. Here is your one, true source of power,  healing, and spiritual nourishment!

The Source of Healing

Psalm 103:2-5
Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise.

Matthew 9 (NIV)
Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town. ² Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”
³ At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is blaspheming!”
⁴ Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? ⁵ Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? ⁶ But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “Get up, take your mat and go home.” ⁷ Then the man got up and went home. ⁸ When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such authority to man.

 by Louis Jean-Jacques Durameau

These are only a few of the many Bible verses on healing. The source of all healing is the Lord. Whether it is physical, psychological, spiritual, or emotional healing that one needs--and many times it is a combination of these--the restoration of health and wholeness comes from God. Notice in these passages that forgiveness of iniquities (sins) and salvation are inherent to the process of healing. When Jesus heals the paralyzed man, He says, "Your sins are forgiven," and the man walks away rejoicing. There is no separation between body and spirit. Jesus is the original holistic healer!

Meditating upon such verses of healing, as well as praying for the healing of either yourself or another person, is powerful and effective when done with faith, such as the men who bring their paralyzed friend to Jesus possess. They exhibit no doubt that if they can get their friend to Jesus, He will heal him, and they don't let the crowd blocking their way prevent their mission. They go so far as to cut a hole in the roof of the house and lower him down! We must all have such great faith. We can let nothing prevent us from our relationship with Jesus and the healing He is waiting to provide. He sent the Holy Spirit also to guide and comfort us and strengthen our faith, and that divine Comforter dwells within us when we are baptized in water and in the Spirit.

Alcoholism is often referred to as a "cunning and baffling" disease. But isn't such anthropomorphic language attributing too much power to a disease? After all, alcoholism is not a conscious being, and neither is mental illness, drug or other addiction, or depression. However, there is one who is cunning and wishes to baffle  and destroy us, and he is Satan. I think he would rather that we forget all about him while he is busy with his works of evil. No doubt he is there when the alcoholic drinks, he is there when the pornography addict surfs the web, he is there when we fight with our spouse or other family members, and he is there to encourage us to lose faith and hope in times of sickness, affliction, and suffering. He doesn't want us taking our friends to Jesus to have them healed and forgiven. He is the master of deception.

When you pray the Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary, added by Pope John Paul II, the 3rd Mystery of Light is the "Declaration of the Kingdom."  Jesus declared that the Kingdom of God is at hand, not somewhere in the distant past or far ahead in the future. It is right now. He went from town to town preaching the good news and healing all manner of illness and sorrow. He cast out demons, and he withstood all of the devil's temptations. So as you pray the Rosary, meditate upon these healing works of the Lord, those that fill us with the light of God, and know and believe that they are yours. There is no "program" created by men that will do the trick. We are healed and forgiven only by grace and the authority of Jesus. There is no completion of sobriety or soundness of mind, body, and spirit that will endure except through the power of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit; that is, salvation by membership in the family of God.

Contagious Depression

Experts have suggested that a person is born with a certain happiness quotient, a natural temperament toward optimism or pessimism, or a particular level of feeling good. We all know someone who always sees the sunny side of everything, and we all know the gloomy Eeyore type from the Winnie the Pooh books. Someone once said that if his hair caught on fire, I would say it was a good thing, because now he wouldn't have to brush it! I had no idea I seemed like such a happy-go-lucky person. The up side for those who are naturally more melancholy is that environment can be a big factor in balancing things out. Studies have shown proper diet and exercise to be as effective as anti-depressants in some cases.

 Eeyore

That brings up an interesting question on the flip side of the coin. Can depression rub off on other people? Can a depressed person in your environment transfer his depression to you? I have personally felt the effects of another person's anger and depression in a physical way. The energy, even over the telephone or computer, or in a letter, is tangible. Some say that thoughts are actually things that can have either good or ill effects. Think about the power of prayer to heal, and you may agree. In the following article, you can read how this contagious effect of depression works. I have experienced it, not realizing what it was. A person taking out his depression on you can become suddenly and disproportionately irritable and angry, or be hyper sensitive toward you or reactionary and very defensive. Or after being around a very sad or negative person, you may find your own balloon sagging and wonder why.

Luckily, I was able to work through my recent suffering through Catholic teaching on the subject, which I have written about in previous posts. According to this article and others, depression certainly can be a family illness, just like alcoholism. We need to let go of the stigma of these disorders, acknowledge and accept the truth of the situation, and seek help. If you get better, you help your loved one get better, too. Denial serves no one, and sweeping clinical depression under the carpet can have devastating results.

Is depression catching?

by ANNETTE WETHERIDGE

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Depression is one of the most widespread health problems of the modern age. But we tend to assume we are either prone to it or not. Now American psychologists have discovered that depression is contagious.
Like tired people who trigger yawning fits in others, depression is apparently like psychological flu. If you've got it, you spread it around. Here, Dr Thomas Joiner, professor of psychology at Florida State University, describes how romantic partners, friends and colleagues can all pass on the depression bug . . .

Depression is believed to be caused by a chemical imbalance. Yet our study shows that other people can - and do - trigger depression. It doesn't matter if you are happy-go-lucky or a pessimist - if you spend enough time with someone who is depressed, you, too, are going to suffer depression.
We put 105 couples through a battery of tests to prove partners fall into the same patterns. Over a one-year period the couples were quizzed time and again about their feelings and moods.
Surprisingly, those who were depressed had very negative feelings towards their other half. These were people who were supposedly in love - yet the dominant, depressed person in each relationship tended to be disparaging, and the other person was upset and depressed because of what was going on.

The depression was a vicious circle - the more one partner was down, the more that person spread their mood. If, for instance, a husband is depressed, he is no longer available emotionally to his wife.
He becomes hostile, and she has to take care of the children and all the other things the husband used to do. So she becomes hostile and depressed herself, because of the burden he has placed on her and starts to believe it is her fault her husband is down.
It can become a Catch-22 - they go round in a vicious circle blaming each other for their bad moods. The only solution is for one of them to get better. By this stage both probably need medication and intensive therapy, whether together or alone.

Women prone to depression often choose alcoholic or abusive men for husbands, possibly because they suffer from low self-esteem. Their negative thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophesy. They believe they are unworthy, therefore they pick an unworthy partner. And when one gets depressed, the other follows suit. But that's not to say someone who was always happy won't suddenly become depressed and spread their depression.

The first depression is usually triggered by something dramatic, such as a death or a job loss. Subsequent depression follows, though it will never be as bleak. The first major warning sign is known as anhedonia - a person loses their capacity for pleasure.
For instance, someone who once loved to spend their time on the golf course or pottering around the garden no longer wants to do it. They might still go into the garden at weekends, but their conversation revolves around whether it's worth it, whether there is any point in weeding or mowing the grass.
Then there is a change in sleep patterns. A person who has slept well may suddenly become an insomniac, or wants to sleep all the time and cannot be bothered to get out of bed in the morning.
They may also become irritable for no reason. Inevitably, their partner suffers. How can they not? The partner walks around on egg shells, trying not to cause the depressed person any more problems. They retreat into themselves, too, and inevitably blame themselves.

The first thing the least depressed person has to do is understand it is not their problem. They have to arrange for their partner to get treatment. Often the depressed partner does not believe anything is wrong, so gentle persuasion is needed. If the person refuses, the spouse should initially go alone and discuss the problems with a therapist.
It is also worth giving the depressed person space. Don't cling, don't demand answers they probably can't give. Back off and give yourself some space. Keep up with friends, go alone to social events if the other person does not feel like going out.
In other words maintain some sort of life for yourself. Don't sink to the same depths as them. And when the partner is being particularly irritable, ask them what is wrong, ask them what you have done to upset them. Eventually, they will realise you have done nothing wrong. Sadly, some couples end up in the divorce courts, trapped in a vicious circle of depression.

I did a similar study on university roommates. Often in America, in your first year at college, you have no choice about who you share a room with. Yet even with strangers -people who are not emotionally involved - depression rubs off. If a student is unhappy, inevitably the roommate picks up the bad vibes.
You can see the same thing happening in the workplace. A boss who comes in on a Monday morning in a bad mood will bring down his staff.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2978/Is-depression-catching.html#ixzz1s2hqTb2M

On Worry and Obsession

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" (Psalm 55:22).

"Jesus Stills the Tempest" by William Hole, 1908

When I was a kid I heard a fascinating sermon on the phrase, take care.  The minister preached that telling a person to "take care" is the same as advising him to worry.  I think when most people say, "Take care," it is usually when they are parting from a friend or loved one, and what they mean is more like, "Take care of yourself" or "Be well."  They are not suggesting that the other person fret or be filled with anxiety. Still, the admonition to avoid worry is apt. 

Certainly we need to be concerned for the people we care about and the things for which we are responsible.  A too casual, lazze faire attitude toward life may result in harm or neglect of ourselves, others, and the environment. We should take care of the gifts God bestows upon us as stewards, with reverence. This includes your spouse, children, home, friends, possessions, job, etc... Yet excessive worry is a sin.

In Matthew chapter 6, verses 25, 27, 28, 31 and 34, Jesus commands us not to worry.  Why? Because worry is a form of fear, the opposite of faith. 

In the rooms of Al-Anon, I often heard someone suggest that FEAR is an anagram for False Evidence Appearing Real.  Well, sometimes the evidence is real, and the problem you perceive is as big as you think it is. Beware of being in denial. But more often than not, the sky is not falling, Henny Penny. It was just a nut that dropped on your head. As Pat Benatar sang, "Anxiety, can't get nothin' done, anxiety spoils all the fun."  On the album cover she is wearing a straight jacket. Anyone dealing with active alcoholism and other such disorders feels this way sometimes, and so does the addict himself!

Truly, worry can become a very bad habit and obsessive mental disorder. There are so many things we can't control, and perhaps worrying makes us feel like we are doing something about the issue. The wool hasn't been pulled over our eyes! We see what is going on...

But is the thing tugging at our minds and causing our hearts to race and faces to break out even any of our business?  If it is, we need to have the courage to change the situation. If it isn't, we need to accept those things we cannot change and let go and let God. This is a slogan I learned in Al-Anon. But honestly, when I am dealing with crazy makers today, my best remedy is the Rosary. This form of prayer and meditation orders the mind, soothes the soul, and keeps my eyes on God's will for my life. It comforts me and relieves insomnia. Sometimes insight to a problem happens as I travel around the beads. I am reminded of who I am--a daughter of the King--and what I believe. I grow in faith, hope, love and wisdom. And I am held in the arms of the Blessed Mother...

The Art of the Lament

If you are to work through your suffering and come into the light, you must learn the art of the lament. First one must avoid denial and admit the pain and horror of one's circumstances or situation. The alcoholic is notorious for failing to acknowledge his problem with drinking, rationalizing in any number of ways. For example, despite imbibing enough whiskey in one night to die of alcohol poisoning, the alcoholic may argue that he doesn't binge that often, maybe only once a month (at least for awhile). The friend or family member of the alcoholic may also deny that there is a serious issue, since perhaps the alcoholic does not drive drunk or has not lost his job. We all want to feel normal, and be perceived as such by others, so the suffering person puts on a happy face and acts as if nothing is wrong.

Maybe we also don't want to be whiners or be accused of being melodramatic. We were raised to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and not ask others for help. True, we should not glorify suffering, but if we want to get better, we have to take the first step to grief and healing by learning to cry out our pain. The Psalms give us ample material for how to move from overwhelmed silence to the bold speech of lament. See Psalms 22, 44, 53, 77, 88, and 109 for a start. The Psalmist may even help you put your problem in perspective. You may be at least a little relieved that your plight is not quite so horrendous as his! Or if it is, then you have a comrade in your distress. Jesus himself offered a tortured lament from the cross, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?!"

Children have not yet become so constrained by society that they are self-conscious regarding appropriate behavior, so they will offer a lament quite naturally. "That's not fair!" they cry out against their perceived injustice, stomping a foot or kicking and screaming on the floor. "Don't have a fit and fall in it," an adult may advise. While we may not want to run through the grocery store knocking boxes and cans off the shelves to express our grief, we need to find a safe way to do it. Take your cue from the child who laments with abandon. Cry your heart out while taking a shower. Read one of the Psalms out loud, with full expression, and make the lament your own. Pray the sorrowful mysteries of the Rosary and unite your suffering to Christ's. Don't be afraid to bend the ear of a compassionate friend, a spiritual advisor, your priest, or a therapist. Such crying out to God allows us to both grieve and to grow into a mature covenant partner with Him.

Lament allows us to put our trust in God. That is the next step. The lament keeps us in conversation with God, renewing our faith and hope and keeping us on a path of Love and Grace. Matthew 10:29-31 says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows."

The Blessed Mother also hears our cries, and the Memorare of St. Bernard is a powerful prayer for her intercession: "Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that any one who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, and sought thy intercession, was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee I come, before thee I stand sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate! despise not my petitions, but, in thy mercy, hear and answer me. Amen." You could even take a pilgrimage for spiritual and/or physical healing, such as to the Basilica of Our Lady of Consolation in Carey, Ohio.

Our Lady of Consolation

Basilica in Carey, Oh

The Memorare reminds us to acknowledge our sinful nature, and then we can move on to admitting that at times our choices have caused personal and social suffering. Now we can become ready to move toward repentance and a change of heart. We need to reach out to others, asking for help and receiving what they offer, allowing them to accompany us in our "dark night of the soul." At the same time that we break our isolation from others, we move toward God, who may seem very distant at this time. Lament, praise, gratitude--all these are forms of worship.

Years ago I read a life-changing idea in Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance: A Day Book of Comfort and Joy. I encourage you to adopt her practice of keeping a gratitude journal in which you write a list of 5 things each day for which you are grateful. It's okay if the only things you can come up with are the meeting of your basic needs--a roof over your head, food on the table, etc... Gratitude will radically alter the way you see your life and the world. Ban Breathnach also advocates daily journaling in which you write for three pages in a stream-of-consciousness style, just letting whatever is on your mind and heart pour out. In this way you can write your way to wellness (and you can whine all you need!).

Next we follow the life and ministry of Jesus and work as individuals and as communities to overcome and end suffering. Awareness of the world's suffering gets us out of our own pain as we directly express our compassion for others with a listening ear and comforting words, by preparing meals, running errands, providing transportation, or taking political, social, and economic action. We pray daily for those who suffer, offering up our own suffering for the blessing of another. We can't do everything, but we can do at least one thing to promote the relief of the suffering of someone else.

No matter what we are able to do, suffering remains a mystery. Therefore, we lament and act to overcome suffering, even as we acknowledge the incomprehensibility of the injustice and terrorism resulting from people's evil choices, or the pain that comes from horrible accidents. We can try to understand that the suffering of incurable disease or natural disasters simply happens in a world that is not yet fulfilled. We must ask how we can respond to suffering, what we can do to help ourselves and others, and receive the peace and joy that comes from profound trust in a compassionate God. As we continue this holy week toward the Resurrection, let's look forward to the time when we too will rise, and remember that the darkest hour comes before dawn.

* (Some of the ideas on the art of the lament have come from "The Mystery of Suffering," a Catholic Update article by Kenneth R. Overberg, S.J.)

Working through Suffering

It is important to accept suffering as a part of life. It is also necessary to work through suffering so you don't become immobilized and stay in a place of intense pain to the point of crushing your spirit. Jesus does not create suffering; He does not intentionally put obstacles in our path to trip us up. I have read Christian authors who claim that He does, but that is not the teaching of the Catholic Church. God does, however, use suffering for our spiritual growth in wisdom. Recovery depends upon openly receiving God's grace and healing, and you may need to get yourself some outside help as well. Though I have warned of some of the pitfalls of 12 Step groups, one thing you will at the very least find in Al-Anon or Families Anonymous, for example, are other people going through similar problems. It is a great relief to discover that you really aren't the only one living with or affected by alcoholism.

Our Lady of Sorrows

It should be noted that alcoholism does not exist on its own in many cases. You may additionally be dealing with sinful behaviors and other disorders, such as pornography or sex addiction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder (manic-depressive), schizophrenia, clinical depression, compulsive gambling, or any number of other issues. Alcoholism is challenging enough by itself, but add any of these other afflictions, and you are living in nothing less than a tornado. Even from a long distance, such disturbances in a family member can be overwhelming.

It is also easy to become isolated. Rachel (not her real name) was afraid to tell her friends about her husband's drinking problem because they couldn't relate, and she was worried they wouldn't want to bring their children over to her house to play. To avoid such isolation, finding a therapist who has training in addiction (and preferably has a Catholic perspective), or a clergyman, spiritual director, or spiritual community (even a yoga class!) of some sort is imperative to working through one's suffering. Even just talking to a trusted friend who has a normal life and is nonjudgmental and supportive of you will bring relief. In the rooms of Al-Anon you can hear so many stories of unhealthy situations and ways of life that they may eventually seem normal, or not so bad, when in reality the circumstances are very sick and unacceptable. Do not rely exclusively on 12 Step groups. Spending time with healthy people and seeing examples of families that function well will help you realize that it isn't you who is crazy, but that your circumstances really do need to change.

Rachel was a Christian but did not attend church regularly and had never been Catholic, so she did not have the support of simply belonging to a religious community and the benefit of receiving the sacraments and consistent spiritual teaching. Living with alcoholism or similar disorders can make a person feel as if there is something wrong with him and that other people won't like him. It is no less than a daily, ongoing crisis. Whatever you choose to do, you must somehow break your isolation.

 Ecclesia, Holy Mother Church

A coworker I once had was married to an alcoholic, and she confided to me one day that her husband was so drunk he had peed the bed! An alcoholic in denial will tell you that his behavior isn't that bad. In one case a man went to jail for drinking related offenses and shared a cell with the mayor who was incarcerated on similar charges! Since these things even happen to the mayor, the man reasoned, they must be normal.

You need to have a daily practice of prayer and meditation, attend Mass regularly (even daily when possible), find friends who give you a good example of a holy life, and get professional help if necessary. Fill your life with meaningful activities that bring you joy. And yes, you may sometimes have to separate yourself from situations and people whose treatment of you puts you in serious spiritual and emotional jeopardy. If physical abuse is part of your situation, you must seek resources to get you safely out of harm's way, most especially if children are involved.

The Risen Jesus & Mary Magdalene at the Tomb

You must be willing to work through your suffering so you can come into the light of God's love. Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 days, but he did not stop praying, and he faced his trials and tribulations with the help of the Father. He also did not stay there forever. He died so that we might live, so that we too can be resurrected and have life abundantly. Jesus ultimately overcame suffering, and you need to as well. It is imperative to take good care of yourself, eat well and exercise, and pursue an interest that will fill your well with living water. Next I will cover the necessary step of lamentation. Cry out to God, and He will hear you. Cry to the Blessed Mother, and she will always comfort you and pray for you.

Suffering and Detachment

I often heard someone say in the rooms of Al-Anon, "Pain is inevitable, but I don't have to suffer."  Many such sayings are declared with authority, and they sound true and so are heartily adopted as fact. Since becoming Catholic, especially in this season of Lent, I have been reading a lot about suffering and its place in Christian life. The definition of suffering is "the bearing of pain or distress."  Suffering perhaps sounds more dramatic than pain, and so what the Al-Anon person means is that intense pain can be avoided, and suffering is not at all necessary. Yet the Church teaches that Jesus suffered, and we are to imitate Jesus. Not that we cause ourselves to suffer on purpose, but that the events in Jesus' life are meant to be connected to the events in our lives. "So I am to forgive as Jesus forgave, heal as Jesus healed, love as Jesus loved, pray as Jesus prayed, deal with suffering as Jesus dealt with suffering, accept the Father's will as Jesus accepted the Father's will, rise from the dead as Jesus rose from the dead" (The Little Black Book 2012, emphasis mine). Suffering is a part of the journey.

Just where did this idea come from that those recovering from the effects of another person's addiction have no need of suffering? This idea is expressed in Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL). I believe it relates to another Al-Anon concept, detachment, and in particular a misunderstanding of this difficult practice. Detachment might more accurately be described as non-attachment, a tenet of the Buddhist tradition. Al-Anon literature does teach that one needs to feel one's feelings, as a person suffering the effects of another's addiction may have lost touch with his emotions and become numb. But detachment is often touted as the most effective way to cope, while leaving an ambiguous notion as to what this means. I do not claim to thoroughly grasp it myself.

New members are often encouraged to read all the pages on detachment in the literature first. The problem is that non-attachment is a spiritual state not easily or automatically achieved, and in my opinion, the literature does not adequately relate the complexity of such an endeavor and the high level of spiritual maturity that is required. Perhaps the ideal combination is to feel one's feelings, and then become aware of them enough to identify what they are and where they are coming from; from that point one might achieve a certain level of distancing oneself from the problem of another's addiction.

Detachment is described as separating oneself emotionally from the distressing behaviors of the alcoholic and keeping the focus on oneself. I would suggest something a bit different. While it is advantageous to step away from the alcoholism of another, both physically and emotionally, as well as one can, our focus should instead be on Jesus first rather than on ourselves. Only then can we discern what is and is not our own business.

One works through suffering as part of working out one's salvation. Yes, we do work out our salvation, as the New Testament teaches. Prayer, meditation on the life and words of Jesus, Bible study, church attendance, practice of the sacraments, faith, hope, good works, humility, forgiveness, compassion, and the Christian love called charity are all steps on the Paths to Grace. You also have the opportunity to offer your suffering up for the blessing of another.

Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by attachment, which is the result of a feeling of separation that makes one grasp for things and other people, as opposed to awareness of the unity of existence. Happiness, therefore, is the elimination of suffering. Detachment (or nonattachment) can be a useful tool as relates to coping with a distressing situation in the moment but should not be used to deny the truth of one's suffering. Rather, we can detach by way of letting go and letting God, and by understanding that we are not the sum total of our momentary thoughts and feelings.

I believe that joy in the Lord is our goal rather than constant happiness, which is not attainable, as suffering is not likely to be eliminated; but the awareness that we are all connected to God and to one another is a great spiritual truth. I am not Buddhist nor do I know a great deal about this religion. While I may not agree with some of the teachings, there can still be something learned from the light at work in other traditions.

Christianity also teaches unity; that is, unity through membership in the mystical Body of Christ, the Church. Unity is in Christ's blood, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and adoption into the family of God the Father Almighty. Suffering is sometimes part of that path to unity. Running away from suffering, which could result from detachment (though it is not supposed to), is not part of the Christian path. But surely we do not want to go down the drain with the alcoholic? No, we don't, but we are not powerless to align our will with God's and therefore to be lifted up with Jesus in the Ascension. Detachment in its purest sense is part of the Christian contemplative practice. It is replacing our obsessive attachments to other people and things with attachment to God alone and adherence to His will. We will still have human attachments, and many are healthy, such as the bond between a mother and her infant. But these are governed by the law of Divine Love.

So where does this leave us in regard to suffering? If you are married to an alcoholic, you are joined in a sacramental bond of unity. You are, in a certain way, one person. It is foolish to imagine that you will not experience suffering. Likewise, if one of your children is an addict, you will surely undergo tremendous pain. But joy is possible even in the midst of suffering. Suffering can be a purifying, spiritual experience that brings one closer to a life of holiness. Your joy is in the Lord, and suffering does not diminish that. Suffering gets you on your knees, saying, "Behold, the handmaid of the Lord." And then the Lord will walk us through it, and we will emerge into the Light.

The Annunciation of the Angel Gabriel to Mary

Recovery through Grace

I am doubting today whether the world needs yet another 12 Step program. The initial name for this blog was "Catholic Twelve Step Program," but I have changed it to "Paths of Grace". Yesterday I wrote that a restoration of sanctifying grace is what would most help both those seeking recovery from addiction and their loved ones. I don't know exactly what kind of "program" might come out of following such a path. A Catholic could certainly apply his faith to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and its affiliated groups, being aware that the program is one of spiritual indifferentism. But there are issues with the content of the steps themselves, and that's what I want to begin to explore.

God is certainly integral to the 12 Steps, albeit in no particular form. But the worship of God is absent. Now, the AA or Al-Anon 12 Step program should not be a worship service. The doors are open to people of any religion or none, and the groups follow no religious creed. A Catholic would need to incorporate worship into his program privately and by attending Mass. "Paths to Grace," the name by which I will refer to my program for now, would of course incorporate worship.

To my way of thinking, the release of a person from the bondage of addiction (or obsessive thinking and emotional disturbance, in the case of the loved ones) must be perceived as a sort of salvation. This is achieved through God's grace by a living faith working in love. One actively participates in an ongoing renewal of faith, guided in his thoughts and behaviors by the indwelling Holy Spirit. He or she is, in short, made holy. It is sanctifying grace that one needs to achieve permanent sobriety and emotional, psychological, and spiritual wholeness. Worship of God is integral to this salvation. This goes way beyond Step 11, which is seeking conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation, "praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out." Is that all we should be praying for? What about other people, the sick and poor, our leaders, our children, widows? What about our threatened environment and God's other creatures? What about praying for peace and morality and the value of all life? It's not all about you or me. We need to get outside ourselves.

The 12 Steps culminate in experiencing a "spiritual awakening" as the result of these steps. So the 12th step is not really a step at all, but the hoped for culmination of the first eleven. A spiritual awakening is not something a person can do. Rather, it is a mystical experience resulting from a transcendent unity with God that is sometimes ecstatic. Not everyone has such experiences. Smaller "ah" moments, where something clicks, a light bulb goes on, so to speak, are more common for most people. Something is illuminated; a moment of clarity is achieved. Then what? Typically you do the steps over and over, going deeper as you come back to them. Then what? The common wisdom is that you practice them, and regularly attend meetings, forever.  Some members' whole lives are centered around the program. It takes up an inordinate amount of time, and the fear of relapse (even for the nonalcoholic loved one, in his own way) and subsequent threat of insanity and/or death, is always hanging over one's head. The idea of powerlessness prevails, and the addict can never live a normal life without the program. But I will expand upon all that at another time.

A possible, alternative support group model might be built on something like the breastfeeding circle I attended when I lived in Columbus. A lactation consultant presided over the meeting, but mostly she was just available to answer questions and offer her expertise on whatever topics came up. Mostly the mothers shared their knowledge, advice, wisdom, experience, and support with each other in an informal way. You could go to meetings whenever you wanted. When you were done breastfeeding, you stopped going. Perhaps a Catholic spiritual director could preside over Paths of Grace meetings in a similar way.

There could also be literature available for other relevant resources, such as treatment centers, doctors, psychiatrists and therapists who would work cooperatively with the group. The approach would be more holistic, preparing a person to live a life of wholeness and permanent sobriety (and permanent abstinence may not be necessary in every case). Basic concepts could be written to guide people to recovery from a Catholic perspective, incorporating the sacraments of the Church. A daily reader, or meditation book, on how to cope with particular emotions and situations could be available. The group would not be alone. Another thing missing from AA and similar groups is the equivalent of a magisterium, or teaching office, to interpret the program, with authority regarding how it is practiced. This results in all sorts of problems, some of which I have previously covered and will continue to explore. (It has been suggested that such an authoritative office would destroy AA, so we will leave it alone and seek another path.)

My sincere hope is that in my re-evaluation of the 12 Steps, together with my continued exploration of Catholicism, the teachings of the Church may provide what is missing for those living in the hell of active addiction, as well as for those families and friends affected by such disorders.

Paths to God

In "God Versus a Random Higher Power," I suggested that the initial path to God might be found in any religious or spiritual tradition, and I'd like to elaborate on that idea. I think that God can use anything to lead a person to him, and the working of these mysterious ways is not always evident to someone else. My own spiritual journey is a good example. Baptized in the Church of Christ at the age of 8, I grew up in that denomination, followed by my family's membership in nondenominational and charismatic Christian churches. I was a very religious young person, active in church youth groups. My faith was challenged in college, but in the end it was strengthened as a result. As a single adult I did not always belong to a particular church but would sporadically attend when visiting my parents and grandparents. I went to a Church of Christ in Columbus, and then after I was married I attended the Unity Church, a metaphysical Christian denomination with some New Age elements. After moving to my current home I visited many churches and settled on the First Presbyterian, eventually being guided to the Catholic Church.

For many years along the way I searched for the Divine Feminine, and in my studies of goddess spirituality and mythology I encountered Kuan Yin, a bodhisattva of the Buddhist tradition, sometimes referred to as the Chinese goddess of mercy. From my experience with Kuan Yin I grew spiritually in the areas of compassion, empathy, and motherly love. I had found an image of the sacred feminine. She reminded me in some ways of Jesus, but otherwise I could not reconcile her with Christianity, so I still felt split. Once I called upon Mary, she quickly lead me back to her son, and finally I came to know the reflection of God's feminine face and maternal love in her. The masculine and feminine were reconciled for me in Catholicism.

The point is, while I may have appeared to veer dangerously off the path, God took what he had to work with, in my case, interest in goddess spirituality, and lead me to the fullness of the the Christian faith! For the alcoholic and his loved ones, I think a Catholic approach to the Twelve Steps could also be started from any religious tradition, or none, but I believe that God's will is for all humankind to join the mystical Body of Christ. This is where the full restoration of grace can be found. Alcoholics Anonymous and its affiliated groups are limited in what they can do toward providing help and healing. God can use those programs, and I believe he does, and they can serve as an initial path to the healing of alcoholism and its effects upon loved ones.

There are seven sacraments in the Catholic tradition which are signs of the grace we receive from God. I think that four of these--Baptism, Confirmation, the Eucharist, and Penance and Reconciliation--need to be integrated into the 12 Steps. Perhaps this could be done in conjunction with the Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults. A person would not have to be Catholic, or even Christian at all, to begin the Catholic Twelve Steps, but there would be the hope of the restoration of the sanctifying grace which leads to wholeness and holiness for anyone who wants it--a true and lasting sobriety.

God Versus a Random "Higher Power"

To be fair, let me begin by saying that 12-step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, and Al-Anon, for the friends and family of alcoholics, have helped tons of people and saved many lives. In no way do I mean  to discourage anyone from getting the help they need by attending the meetings of such groups. However, what I want to discuss here are the limitations of these programs and how this relates to family life. I was myself an Al-Anon member for 10 years, so this is an informed opinion.

When you come into AA or Al-Anon, for the program to work you must believe in a "higher power." The program is not religious, they say, but it is spiritual. For atheists or those with bad experiences in organized religion, alternatives to God such as "good orderly direction" or "creator" are designated as suggestions for the higher power. One woman in Al-Anon began with a bar of soap as her higher power until she could sort out who exactly was this power who was greater than herself. So she turned her will and her life over to a bar of soap for the time being.

This is all well and good I suppose, but at some point, this higher power needs to be someone with authority. Someone you can, in reality, turn your will and life over to. Does "good orderly direction" really cut the mustard? Can "good orderly direction" hear one's prayers? Can he answer them? Even if an alcoholic "recovers" and never drinks again, can sobriety, that is, wholeness and emotional and spiritual health, truly be achieved without the one, true God being the one who delivers the alcoholic from the bondage of addiction and his "defects of character"? If the well isn't deep enough, what happens when the bucket comes up dry? It is my opinion that help may be found in these rooms, and a respite from one's troubles, and the comfort of those who have suffered in a similar way. God can, and surely does, work through this program. But I fear that holiness is not intrinsic to what is ultimately a secular "religion" of its own. There is a reason for the relapses and low success rate of people who get sober and stay sober in AA.

At the last Al-Anon meeting I attended, a woman who simply voiced her frustration with, "Why can't my mom just stop drinking?" was verbally attacked by several holier-than-thou people. For the entire meeting, there was cross talk and interruption, and the chair person allowed the meeting to go over the one hour allotment of time. While this was one of the most extreme cases I witnessed of meeting disintegration, it is an unfortunately common pattern. The poor woman seeking validation did not receive words of experience, strength, and hope, but rather, judgment and condemnation. And from my experience with alcoholics, AA is rampant with gossip and abuse of its principles, too. Ah, but the argument goes that we place "principles above personalities" in these groups. So you take what you like and leave the rest.

This brings me to a conversation with a friend regarding the differences between Protestants and Catholics. "But why do you have to choose?" she wondered. "Why can't you just take what you like from each?" Because I have a child is why, and she agreed that yes, when you are teaching a child, you need to be specific and clear. The path must not be rife with trees painted with arrows pointing in all manner of possible directions.  No wishy washy Charlie Browniness in the case of nurturing the spiritual growth of a child. Why should it be different for babes lost in the woods of addiction? In the case of AA and its affiliates, there is "conference approved literature", and there are the steps, traditions, and concepts. And slogans and pat answers to real problems. But who in the heck is really in charge? The God of Soap Bars?!

It's just like churches that each have their own set of beliefs, based on the images of the men who started the churches, and for whom they are named (or from whom those churches descended). These men were all Christians but they interpreted the Bible according to their own ideas, regardless of the clear history of the Church that goes all the way back to Peter, the rock upon whom Jesus said his Church was to be built. Furthermore, the Bible gives clear authority to that Church and its traditions, both oral and written. There is nothing in the Bible that says the written scriptures are the only authority. Like it or not, it is specifically the Catholic Church that can trace its lineage, biblical interpretation, traditions, and hierarchical authority back to Peter, which is to say, straight back to Jesus. It was the Catholic Church, not Luther, who gave us the Bible in the first place. In fact, Luther wanted to remove a few New Testament books that didn't sit well with him. I know, can of worms open. But there can't be umpteen versions of the truth. You may have part of the truth in any religion, and goodness and heavenly light, but what is needed in this broken world is the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth.

In 12 Step groups, the sad fact is that there is not one true God. Also, there appears to be no clear authority defining the exact meaning of these steps and traditions and how they are to be followed. Everyone has his opinion. Take what you want from the buffet and make your own grilled cheese with peanut butter and tabassco sauce sandwich. Top it with syrup and Captain Crunch cereal, as you see fit. I do agree that there is wisdom in not forcing a particular religion on people trying to get sober. They need to clear their heads and learn the program gently, in small pieces at a time. Yes, it is recommended to have a sponsor with experience in the program and long term sobriety to guide you, but this is still just a person. The pertinent question is, ultimately, who is your God?

At the end of every meeting is the chant, "Keep coming back. It works if you work it!" But despite the principles, you still have the personalities, and at the end of the day your meat needs to come off a solid bone, not from a can of spam. If you find yourself alone in the African jungle surrounded by poisonous snakes, your sponsor has been eaten by a lion, and there is no meeting within walking distance, but there is a bar in the next village, who you gonna call? The initial path to God might be found in any of the world's great religious and spiritual traditions, not limited to Christianity. I personally find Native American spirituality to be beautiful. I just wish that the ultimate message of 12 step groups is that the group itself cannot serve as a higher power, as it seems to for many. Those souls searching for help and healing need to be encouraged to search endlessly for the truth of God.