Sabbatical

Under Mary's Mantle holy card

When you hear the word sabbatical, what probably comes to mind is the year off that college professors take from teaching, traditionally every seven years, in order to write, study, refresh, and fill the well. Anyone who teaches in any capacity runs the risk of burnout. One must occasionally take time off in order to have something to give one's students. While mothers cannot take an official sabbatical such as this, they are often encouraged to "take a break" from their children occasionally. I used to go to yoga class as a kind of sabbatical from the pressures of being a new mother. Dropping one's baby off at the nursery for church can be such a relief! Well, where I live, Catholics don't have Sunday school or a nursery for the little ones; everyone is in the sanctuary for Mass! But you get the picture.

Sabbatical can have a broader meaning, being a break from any sort of occupation, for the same reasons as the college professor takes one--to learn, to grow as a person, to recharge one's batteries. It usually still implies a substantial chunk of time, and it is different from a vacation. The idea is not just to be entertained or to go somewhere different from the place in which one lives. A sabbatical can be taken at home. It more has the flavor of going inward, of gestation. While we are not in the Advent season of the liturgical year right now, we may have a personal advent at any time of our lives. Some people cycle through a personal advent yearly with the official Advent time leading up to Christmas. But I think we all have personal cycles that include the advent experience, when we are preparing ourselves for some type of growth, or when we feel we need to distance ourselves from the outer world in some way before we can give of ourselves in certain ways again. Any woman who has been pregnant knows of this "nesting" period, this time of inner contemplation.

Many years ago a close friend of mine would regularly call me on the phone and talk exclusively for 10 minutes straight. When she was done, she would say she had to go and rush off the phone, never asking how I was doing or what I was up to. I didn't want to end the friendship, but I was growing weary of what seemed like her self-absorption. My solution was to scale back on the time I spent with her. And when she called, I let my answering machine pick it up most of the time. When I felt like listening to her and had nothing better to do for 10 minutes, I would return her call. This distancing (you might call it a sabbatical!) went on for about a year, and then on her own, my friend changed. I think she had been lonely and bored with her life, and she just needed someone to pay all of their attention to her sometimes. I set my boundaries without hurting her feelings or complaining about her behavior. I simply changed my behavior, and eventually my friend quit monopolizing conversations and asked about my life.

For awhile now I have been feeling that my life is going to take a decisive turn in a new direction, but I haven't gotten the divine message yet regarding exactly what that might be. I keep praying and waiting, not making any big decisions until I feel like the time is right. I know from experience that this is the best approach for me. I used to work as an esthetician at a day spa. When I first learned about this career possibility, I was really excited about the idea. My first facial had been heavenly, and I immediately had the intuition that this was something I might like to do. But it was a year and a half before I called the school about beginning the program in this field. I just woke up one day, literally, and said, "It's time!"

I will begin RCIA, the Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults, in September. The nine months leading up to the Easter vigil, when I will be confirmed and take First Communion, will be a type of advent, a time of spiritual gestation and deep seeking. Perhaps this is the thing I am feeling is going to take precedence, while other activities take a back seat. I also want more time to write and have a book that is taking shape. I am not planning to participate in a homeschooling co-op this fall, and I am undecided regarding giving my usual dance classes. Since beginning my journey to Catholicism, I have a greater desire to make my family an even bigger priority, to savor every bit of my daughter's childhood, which has already gone so quickly, and to make my marriage stronger. The home should be a "domestic church", just like the body is a divine Temple. So I am following my inner rhythms, allowing myself to be guided by the Holy Spirit, drawing myself under Mary's mantle, and being open to the divinely led Sabbatical, the Advent of which consummation is no less than rebirth.

Depression in a Loved One

Our Lady of Sorrows

You may know someone who is clinically depressed and is on medication, and perhaps has been for many years. A family doctor, that is, a general practitioner can prescribe depression medicine. Depression may coincide with alcoholism or other addictions, or it may stand alone as a disorder, dysfunction, or mental illness. I think we are all aware of the concerns with treating any number of disorders with pills and nothing else. I have to wonder, does the depressed person who is given no other avenues of treatment actually improve adequately in her condition, especially long term? Should a doctor be able to fill out a prescription for depression, and approve refills, without any sort of regular evaluation by a therapist who specializes in psychiatry or psychology? Are other holistic treatments, environmental factors, and lifestyle considerations taken into account, such as overall health, diet and exercise?

You may not realize that you are being affected by another person's depression, even if you know they suffer from a serious case of it. I have experienced issues over a number of years, in various instances, that I have only recently recognized to be the result of depression that was not adequately treated in family members and friends, and situations in which I became depressed myself. Common is the type of case in which a person is dealing with mental illness and/or addiction in an adult or teenage child, along with his or her own depression. Such situations were true of a number of people who shared their stories in Al-Anon. You may not put the pieces together until a particular event produces such extreme reactions in a loved one that a light bulb goes on and you consider that, like the progressive effects of alcoholism, the depression could go deeper and deeper, and over a period of time, have severely debilitating or even devastating results.

For the person in certain states of depression, problems are magnified, his or her perceptions are distorted, and in severe cases there can be a break with reality. And like alcoholism, the depressed person may be good at masking symptoms for a long while. She may isolate herself from others. One close friend of mine who lives long distance often neglects to return phone calls for long periods of time. I believe that depression has been a problem for her for years, and she has thankfully gotten herself professional help, even if she doesn't feel comfortable sharing her problems with friends.

Your loved one may find things to fault others for and worry obsessively over situations and others' behavior. I have experienced never being able to do anything right in such a person's eyes, having him or her seem to think the worst of me and not trust me to make good decisions. Or even accuse me of being the depressed one (and at times I have indeed become depressed as a result of extreme family turmoil and the contagious nature of depression). This person most likely does not realize that he is projecting his depression, or even spreading it like a psychological sneeze. It can be hard to discern where such difficulties are coming from. Depression could certainly be playing a part.

A depressed person may be able to hide his or her illness from co-workers, casual acquaintances, and members of her church. She may look fine on the outside and even smile and laugh at gatherings. But otherwise she may be low functioning and slowly drowning. If you live with someone you suspect is seriously depressed, get her help immediately. Don't wait for the suicide attempt or nervous break down. Talk to a therapist or spiritual director about how you can support this person. I once called a suicide hotline when I was in college out of grave concern for a friend. You may not realize how fragile and hyper-sensitive she might be, and any benign comment from you could feel like a slap in the face. And just like with alcoholism, you could be pulled into the quicksand and start sinking with your loved one, without even realizing it.

Once you have pin-pointed depression as a possible contributor to the issue, hopefully you will not take things so personally when your loved one acts out his despair. Unfortunately, other family members may enable their depressed loved one and unintentionally contribute to his mental and emotional imbalance. They may not know what to do to help this person, and so they look around for someone else to blame, and that unlucky soul may be you, as it has been me. If you are kind but firm in not allowing yourself to be a punching bag, other family members may overcome their denial and get the depressed person the help they desperately need. Or the depressed person himself may realize that you have done nothing wrong. Keep praying for all of those affected by the situation, including yourself, and when you interact with your depressed loved one, be extra gentle and suggest she needs more than just the meds (or perhaps needs to be evaluated) if her symptoms have progressed. Always keep in mind that you may be dealing with someone who sees things reflected as in a fun house mirror, and that this can't be any fun for her at all. Embody compassion.

Sometimes the best thing to do if you are attacked or criticized is not to respond. Say, "I understand that's how you feel" and change the subject or end the conversation. Refuse to argue. The more you say, even to defend yourself, the more mired in the web you will become. Depression, like alcoholism, can be a family illness, and anger can be an unrecognized symptom of it. Get help for yourself if it becomes too much to bear. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally harmed or psychologically abused. Like alcoholism, you didn't cause the depression, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you can contribute to your own suffering if you help perpetuate the vicious cycle and allow it to poison your life. There are no easy answers to these problems, but there is always hope. Let God sustain you. Let Jesus carry you. And let Mary bless you with her grace.

Our Lady of Grace

On Worry and Obsession

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall" (Psalm 55:22).

"Jesus Stills the Tempest" by William Hole, 1908

When I was a kid I heard a fascinating sermon on the phrase, take care.  The minister preached that telling a person to "take care" is the same as advising him to worry.  I think when most people say, "Take care," it is usually when they are parting from a friend or loved one, and what they mean is more like, "Take care of yourself" or "Be well."  They are not suggesting that the other person fret or be filled with anxiety. Still, the admonition to avoid worry is apt. 

Certainly we need to be concerned for the people we care about and the things for which we are responsible.  A too casual, lazze faire attitude toward life may result in harm or neglect of ourselves, others, and the environment. We should take care of the gifts God bestows upon us as stewards, with reverence. This includes your spouse, children, home, friends, possessions, job, etc... Yet excessive worry is a sin.

In Matthew chapter 6, verses 25, 27, 28, 31 and 34, Jesus commands us not to worry.  Why? Because worry is a form of fear, the opposite of faith. 

In the rooms of Al-Anon, I often heard someone suggest that FEAR is an anagram for False Evidence Appearing Real.  Well, sometimes the evidence is real, and the problem you perceive is as big as you think it is. Beware of being in denial. But more often than not, the sky is not falling, Henny Penny. It was just a nut that dropped on your head. As Pat Benatar sang, "Anxiety, can't get nothin' done, anxiety spoils all the fun."  On the album cover she is wearing a straight jacket. Anyone dealing with active alcoholism and other such disorders feels this way sometimes, and so does the addict himself!

Truly, worry can become a very bad habit and obsessive mental disorder. There are so many things we can't control, and perhaps worrying makes us feel like we are doing something about the issue. The wool hasn't been pulled over our eyes! We see what is going on...

But is the thing tugging at our minds and causing our hearts to race and faces to break out even any of our business?  If it is, we need to have the courage to change the situation. If it isn't, we need to accept those things we cannot change and let go and let God. This is a slogan I learned in Al-Anon. But honestly, when I am dealing with crazy makers today, my best remedy is the Rosary. This form of prayer and meditation orders the mind, soothes the soul, and keeps my eyes on God's will for my life. It comforts me and relieves insomnia. Sometimes insight to a problem happens as I travel around the beads. I am reminded of who I am--a daughter of the King--and what I believe. I grow in faith, hope, love and wisdom. And I am held in the arms of the Blessed Mother...