Do I Offend?

 Andie and the Duck Man

(Molly Ringwald and John Crier)

"Do I offend?"  This movie line, spoken by John Crier's Duck Man character in Pretty in Pink, popped into my head recently when I was worried that I might have offended a friend.  Later in the day after getting together with her, I began to imagine that she might not have liked a comment I made.  She hadn't acted offended at all, and at the time of our conversation no warning bells went off to signal that I had just put my foot in my mouth.  I debated whether or not to bring it up.  Might I only make it worse?  I knew I shouldn't worry about one sentence uttered over a period of hours, yet I finally sent an email telling her I didn't mean to be offensive, to which she responded with surprise, because she wasn't upset at all, and in fact agreed with what I had said.

The Duck Man asks his question as he sniffs under his arm pits, and from my memory he emphasizes a long "o" in offend.  In fact, he emphasizes the whole word.  His attitude suggests that it is the person offended by him who really has the problem.

I think that those of us who have suffered the effects of alcoholism (or other mental/emotional/spiritual disorders), whether being the primary sufferer or the loved one of that person, may become fearful, even paranoid, that something about us stinks.  A person once tried to convince me of both my friendlessness and my husband's.  She had a problem with me, and as proof of something being inherently wrong with me, she brought others into the mix.  She gave one particular name, a long time, close friend of mine, so I asked my friend point blank if it was true.  While my friend had been concerned about me because of problems I was experiencing with the active alcoholism of a loved one, she did not have any personal issue with me, and in fact felt good about our friendship.  We all have bouts of being difficult for others, but that doesn't mean we are in need of radical intervention.

Now we can see that the instigator of this situation put my friend in an awkward position.  Whatever my friend had said, she did not expect her expression of concern for me to be used in a personal attack.  At any rate, I started to assume that people would not like me or want to be my friend because of my figurative "bad odor".  This was a reaction that piggy-backed the fear I had already experienced that people would keep a distance if they knew about my alcoholic situation. I had felt isolated from others by my personal hell--that is the nature of the effects of this disease.  I realize today that the person who found me so offensive was deep in her own pain and distress and was taking it out on me, maybe even projecting her own feelings of friendlessness.  I do not feel resentful, but gosh, wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to undergo such pain?  That wouldn't be real life though, and no one is exempt from suffering.  No one "deserves" perpetual happiness.

I share this story because I realize that I am still affected by these past events in the present.  I am still reacting to this experience and other times when I have been the recipient of unkindness and the withholding of grace.  But since I know how hurtful such attacks can be, I can be more sensitive and kind to others.  I can hold my tongue when I am feeling very emotional.  I can talk to my husband first or a sane friend whose opinion I trust.  Without being overly self-conscious in dealings with others, I can avoid being unnecessarily inflammatory, while at the same time upholding the dignity of my thoughts, wisdom, experience, and feelings.  I can learn how not to act, because I know the extent of the damage of an ill-timed or caustic remark.  I can feel the residual hurt without holding onto it.  I can choose Love. This is of course the ideal situation to aim for, though it is progress, not perfection, that we can expect. We may still fall short of the mark when push comes to shove.

In a way I can't explain, my journey to the Catholic Church is returning me to my authentic personality.  Having a clearer foundation in the Truth as my touchstone, I feel stronger in expressing my opinions and ideas.  My confidence is coming back.  I used to be bold and fearless, and these attributes are resurfacing.  But I also have deeper humility and compassion than I did when I was a younger woman who had a hard time admitting that the other person could be right, that I could be wrong, or that we could both be right about some things and wrong about others.  I feel that now I can stand up for myself, for a belief or a cause, and not walk on eggshells.  I can also do it with more finesse, without such a sharp edge.  Yet there still seems to be that devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear and poking me with his worrywart pitchfork.

The truth is, I have offended people.  Is there anyone who hasn't?  Okay, maybe Mother Mary.  No, she offends people, too.  Jesus really offended people.  Honestly, it kills me when I know I have hurt someone's feelings.  And I don't intend to be offensive and am usually surprised when I get that reaction.  I don't see it coming.  Someone has misunderstood my words, my intentions, my tone of voice, or my meaning.  Sometimes I have not been clear and could have worded my thoughts better.  I think some people simply like being offended.  In college and my early twenties, I sometimes liked to be offended by my boyfriends so I could pick a fight when I was bored with them.  And when they told me I was being overly sensitive, I could be doubly offended!  So I know it's true; some people wallow in deeply offended feelings.

The problem is that you can't possibly know what will offend some people.  There are those offended by dirty jokes, curse words, and the plumber's butt crack.  These might seem to be universally offensive things, but some people love that stuff.  I know a guy who is offended by fat people.  Some are offended by the mention of Jesus, or the voice of President Obama, or commercials for Viagra.  I personally harbor a prejudice against white trash.  Which I guess is racist, too, even though I'm white.  Cigarette butts on the sidewalk in front of a neighbor's house offend me.  But that is my choice to be offended, not the fault of the smoker who has very bad, hillbilly habits.

So my conclusion is that as long as I don't intend to be offensive, then I just can't be overly concerned with how another person might take me.  I think that's why I am so annoyed by the current "just sayin' " trend in which people tack on that phrase to be passive-aggressive, or when they are aware that they are being intentionally offensive but want to cover their behinds.  Either speak your mind or keep it to yourself!  This half-assed, "just sayin' " nonsense offends my sensibilities.  I'm just so sensitive!!

But what do I care if people are wishy-washy Charlie Browns? That's their business.  And it's none of my business what people think of me.  No one should be telling me what someone else said about me (unless it is nice, of course!).  If someone has a problem with me, and he behaves like an adult, he will bring it to my attention himself.  And then I can make amends if necessary and clear up any misunderstanding, or hash out a disagreement, unpleasant as that may be.  It's like our culture is trapped in a long, extended adolescence, and no one teaches that you shouldn't gossip anymore.  Everyone used to know that gossiping was evil.  Now it's the status quo, especially on Facebook.  So is being just plain mean. 

The moral of the story is that I should not have worried that my friend was offended.  If she had been, she would have come to me with it.  And if a friend or relative is offended but does not bring it to my attention, then that may be a friendship I could do without.  Likewise with the person who brings his concern to me wearing war paint and assuming that I had sinister intentions, giving me no benefit of the doubt.  On the other hand, if we know we have been hurtful, then it is our responsibility to own our part in the problem like grown ups.  Sure, the real me may lose some friends along the way.  But she will most likely gain other, and better, companions.  The true blue ones stick around, while the fair weathers are blown about by every wind and will sale off in a ship of their own making.  The circle I have around me will eventually all be Real Rabbits, the more I allow myself to be one. We can love the person who gave us the bad record playing over in our minds even as we throw away the record.  Admit that the record is scratched beyond use and skips endlessly in the same place and just bury it in the ground of Grace.

The Velveteen Rabbit

New Beginnings

 The Ascension

Happy New Year! I realize I have not been posting here often, and I suppose that is a good sign in regard to my recovery. It is a testimony to how much the Church has helped me to heal from the effects of alcoholism, depression, and mental illness in family members and friends. Interestingly, I find myself strangely not being the object of toxic attacks. Perhaps this is because my aura has changed. I have ceased putting out the signal that I need someone else's approval. I think that if you project the need to be rid of something, and especially if you pray often for it, God gives you more opportunities to fortify your will in accordance with His, to strengthen your faith by allowing adversity to be an answer to prayer. Yes, God does indeed work in mysterious ways! The other side of the coin is that I may be easier to be around, as I become more relaxed in the intense changes that my conversion has brought about. Hopefully I radiate peace, so peace is what I attract.

For example, I was in the presence last night of a person I try not to be around because of his surly disposition. I have in the past been emotionally harmed by him and left feeling very unbalanced. But he talked about the physical pain that he is never free from. Not by virtue of trying to complain about it, but simply that it is a cross he has born for so long that he seems to have come to a state of acceptance about it. Most days it isn't too bad, but sometimes it is terrible, and he lives with it. Who wouldn't be often grouchy in such a situation? He had a softness about him that showed me who he really is under the pain and suffering--a wounded child of God. He is a man of faith, but I couldn't help wishing that he had the Catholic Church to help him on his path to healing. What comfort the Eucharist might bring him, what help might be had by the intercession of the saints. A simple Catholic phrase like, "Offer it up" contains deep, spiritual wisdom. But the most appropriate thing to do in this situation was simply to provide a listening ear and a compassionate heart. It takes courage to share one's suffering. And naturally I will be praying a Rosary for the intention of his healing!

This is a good point of departure for contemplating new beginnings for the New Year. How can we be more understanding and compassionate? How can we let go of the tendency toward judgment and criticism? Most importantly, in what ways can we draw closer to our Lord? Once I have entered into full communion with the Church at the Easter Vigil, I plan to make an act of consecration to Jesus through Mary. Happily, I feel that I have forgiven the trespasses of others, but the sacrament of Confession will keep me taking honest inventory of myself, being sure to forgive myself and others before partaking of Holy Communion. It has been very difficult for me to experience the delay of receiving these sacraments, but I will have my first penance tomorrow! The new year is an opportunity for a clean slate, so make a plan, but realize that you can't go it alone; you need divine assistance. And the plan needs to be flexible, so that you can re-evaluate where you are on the path of your spiritual journey and make adjustments as need be. This is not the time for white-knuckle resolutions, but for contemplation followed by works inspired by the Holy Spirit. Let your motto be "One Day at a Time in 2013".

The Nature of Guilt

Unhealthy guilt lets us wallow in our emotions, self-hatred, get depressed. We indulge these feelings as a substitute for making concrete resolutions and taking steps to change our behavior. Guilt, then, can be useful, but it should lead to action and then be let go of.

— from When a Teen Chooses You


 As I have mentioned before, it would bother me when I would hear alcoholics talk about avoiding guilt, shame and remorse at all costs, as it would only lead to more drinking. It seems like a qualification is needed between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt. Like physical pain that tells us that there is something wrong in our bodies, guilt can let us know when we have done something morally wrong or something to hurt ourselves or others. It is a signal to stop, look, and listen. Why do we feel guilty? What actions do we need to take to remedy the situation? Then we can make amends to God, to ourselves, and to others.

Unhealthy guilt includes taking responsibility for a problem you did not cause. We Al-Anons, and some alcoholics as well, can have the tendency to be hyper-vigilant caretakers and end up wallowing in worry and obsession. We may have a generalized sense of guilt just for being, as if we are not worthy of unconditional love just as we are. It may seem that no matter how hard we try, something always goes wrong. In this case, the action we need to take may be detachment from certain people or situations, as well as increased use of the tools of prayer, meditation, contemplation, and scripture reading. We need to attend Mass and partake of the Eucharist. We must take care of ourselves and our own business.

Whatever the cause of guilt, it should be faced honestly and squarely, assessed, and dealt with appropriately. When we have done what we can to make any necessary reparation, then we must let it go. The alcoholic, then, should not avoid the guilt he or she feels, for example, as the result of the behaviors displayed during a relapse. It can't just be swept under the rug. Alcoholic drinking always causes a problem for the alcoholic and those around him, and amends therefore must be made to himself and those he harms. The friend or family member of the alcoholic, likewise, may need to make amends for the reaction he has to the relapse, such as screaming, verbal abuse, or other inappropriate behaviors.

Feeling guilt, shame and remorse may be a healthy reaction, telling us that we have lost our connection with God and need to get our lives back on track. It is the wallowing in guilt that signals narcissistic self-pity. Instead, we must be open to receive God's grace and forgiveness. But to receive, we must first ask. Guilt can humble us back into alignment with the will of God.

Contemplative Practice--Obsessive Drinking, Obsessive Thinking

I am currently reading two books on the subject of contemplation from a Christian perspective:  New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton, and Into the Silent Land by Martin Laird.  I have no doubt at this point that the practice of contemplation is key to recovery.

I was thinking back today to a woman in the Al-Anon meeting that I once ran who often compared addiction to alcohol to addiction to sugar. She believed that all addictions were rooted in the same thing. The only difference was the particular substance to which one was addicted. I did not entirely agree with her. After all, I reasoned, sugar does not wreck lives and kill people. It does not take away one's ability to reason. But is that true? Scientific studies have shown that certain food products can be addictive, and sugar is the leader of this gang. If we look at rates of obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and other illnesses, food addiction surely plays a major part, and the death toll rises.

In the rooms of Al-Anon, the distinction was made that the disease of the alcoholic is obsessive drinking, and the problem of the Al-Anon person is obsessive thinking. So what is the common denominator here? Obsession. Furthermore, I am aware from speaking with the alcoholic that in cases of relapse, before he begins drinking, he first begins to think about drinking. Not being able to turn off the obsessive thought patterns, he succumbs to the temptation and begins his cycle of alcoholic drinking all over again. So we can conclude that in all cases of addiction there is at the root the problem of obsession.

Interestingly, obsession is not the sole domain of the alcoholic, other addict, or Al-Anon person. It seems rather to be the plight of human nature since the beginning of time. Look at Adam and Eve in the garden and we find obsession for the forbidden fruit and the yielding to overwhelming temptation. And who was to blame? Partially, it was the evil one disguised as a serpent. Granted, he was no common garden snake. We know from the Book of Revelation that he was actually a dragon, so surely intimidation played a part. We will be looking at the role that Satan plays in taking our thoughts for a ride on a runaway train as we progress in our contemplation of, um, contemplation...

Temptation and Fall, Michaelangelo

Luckily for us, contemplative souls have provided a path out of the loop of obsession. For example, in a sermon on the Third Commandment, keeping holy the Sabbath, we have the words of St. Augustine:

"The third commandment enjoins quietness of heart, tranquility of mind. This is holiness. Because here is the Spirit of God...Unquiet people recoil from the Holy Spirit...In their restlessness they do not allow the silence of the Lord's Sabbath to enter their lives. Against such restlessness we are offered a kind of Sabbath in the heart. As if God were saying, 'Stop being so restless, quieten the uproar in your minds. Let go of the idle fantasies that fly around in your head.' God is saying, 'Be still and see that I am God' (Ps 46). But you refuse to be still. You are like the Egyptians tormented by gnats. These tiniest of flies, always restless, flying about aimlessly, swarm at your eyes, giving no rest. They are back as soon as you drive them off. Just like the futile fantasies that swarm in your minds. Keep the commandment. Beware of this plague."

The seeds of contemplation can be found in the 12 Step Program, but they are not well enough defined. Step 11 says, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out." But how is this accomplished? Tellingly, while prayer was frequently an Al-Anon topic, meditation was rarely discussed. When I once brought it up at a meeting, people offered various ways that they meditate, and certainly many practices can be helpful. Yet I think it true that most people know neither how to pray nor how to meditate effectively. And the topic of contemplation was never explored at all.

So what I want to do here is to follow this path of contemplation in the books I am reading and share what insights I gain in a series that will begin with the first part of the title of this post, Contemplative Practice. And while I acknowledge that there are varying degrees of obsession, and that alcoholism is a particularly potent form, I want to emphasize that this problem of the obsession of the mind is basically human, common to all people, rather than a special disease shared only by the unfortunate. Let's focus on our common ground and the hope of universal solutions.

 

Nothing More than Feelings

You may remember the 1970s sad love song, "Feelings" by Morris Albert.  Here is an excerpt:

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
trying to forget my feelings of love."

I'm sure you can also find this on youtube!  When I graduated from high school, my parents gave me a beautiful wooden jewelry box.  My dad told me that he had chosen it and that it played "Feelings".  It was an especially meaningful gift, because my younger brother was in a 28 day rehab program for alcoholism, so he was not at my graduation or party.  One day after an Al-Anon meeting, I was driving home and started crying like a guest on Barbara Walters' talk show.  The tears would not stop flowing.  For 15 years I had not fully grieved the absence of my brother on that special day.  High school graduation was bittersweet for me, and I went to live with my grandparents that summer before starting college.  I still have the jewelry box, 25 years later!

Recently on a Catholic radio station I heard the program host say that just because you still have feelings regarding a painful situation does not mean that you have not forgiven the person who caused the suffering.  I was relieved to hear this, because I was pretty sure I had forgiven a particular person in my life, but sometimes the hurt would come flooding back.  I just kept praying for the willingness to forgive and for the healing of my broken heart.

Feelings are transitory, and they actually have little to do with Love.  If we read 1 Corinthians 13, we learn that Love is not a  feeling, but rather a state of being.  Please allow me to be an English nerd for a moment.  After the word Love in this Bible passage, the word is (or is not) always follows.  Love is patient, love is kind, etc... "Is" is a form of the root infinitive, to be.  Nowhere in this famous treatise on Love does it mention it being contingent upon feeling a certain way.  Love is ultimately about selflessness, sacrifice, and commitment, and it is unconditional.  We also know that God is Love and that those who do not love do not know God.  "Beloved, let us love one another..." (1 John 4: 7,8)

So when we forgive those whom we love (which includes our enemies, for which we have no fuzzy feelings), we may still feel the occasional sting of their wrongdoing (at least, they were wrong from our perspective).  Continuous resentment, on the other hand, usually tells us that we have not yet forgiven.  But perhaps forgiveness is a process and is not accomplished all at once, in a single moment in time.  It helps to realize that we hurt ourselves the most when we won't forgive, and we do feel so much better when we can put our sorrow in the past.  First love, then forgive.  Only then are we free to come to The Lamb's Supper and be healed by the body and blood of our Lord.

The Alcoholic Mind

vision of the universe as an egg inside the womb of God, Hildegard of Bingen

An alcoholic relative said to me, "I don't think you understand the alcoholic mind."  From here I am just going to meditate upon this idea as the thoughts come to me. What is this alcoholic mind of which he speaks? This is a special mind, it is implied, and indeed, AA is built upon this specialness. "We alcoholics," or the self-deprecating, "We drunks..." is foundational to the program and its tome, the Big Book. There is the alcoholic we, who are understood to be all the same in a certain way and are separate from others, those who are not of the we. It is self-will and ego run amok, the program says, the absence of humility that stands in the way of sobriety. And perhaps that is indeed a piece of the puzzle.

Yet is not the overly inflated ego merely the flip side of the coin of low self-esteem? Does the Alcoholics Anonymous program actually unwittingly encourage such grandiosity/self-deprecation? Alcoholics I have known imagine themselves to be unusual geniuses. They have secret meetings, a secret code of language, and secret gods who live in the the alcoholic's personal understanding. Those in the group compose a well insulated circle, and those who have "gone back out," or were never inside it in the first place, are regarded warily.

When I felt left out of the tight circle of a certain alcoholic with his special mind, I joined my own group, Al-Anon, with its own secret meetings, secret language, and secret gods. I might even have had my own, special Al-Anon mind. Beth, a friend of mine in the program, often spoke of being "in my disease." We had our own secret disease too, it seems! We had our secret club that other people couldn't understand because they did not know the language and what it was like to be married, or otherwise closely related, to an alcoholic.

I think that all of this specialness is counterproductive. It imagines that people do not already have as the ground of their being the fact that each of us is made in the image and likeness of God. Only another alcoholic can understand, can help... Really? Other human beings are such foreigners, have such different minds, that they cannot understand simply by virtue of their common humanity?

 Jesus in Mary's womb

I once picked a woman up out of the pouring rain and offered to give her a ride home. She had been waving her arms frantically in the dark. She looked like a normal woman. But she had no home. She was outside working, in the oldest profession. So I brought her to my apartment and discovered she had been wounded, dragged down an alley and raped. Her arm and chest were becoming infected. I drove out to Kroger at a quarter to one in the morning and got first aid supplies to treat and dress her wounds. The next day at the hospital the doctor (who thought I was either very brave or crazy) looked shocked when he took off the bandages and asked, "Who dressed these wounds?" He could do nothing better for them than I had done and just put on fresh coverings. I could not know the depth of this woman's pain, yet my hands held the power to heal her.

The woman's name was Joyce. Her dad had begun to pimp her out when she was 11 years old, and she had a long scar on her belly that she said was from an ice pick. Joyce loved my cat. She looked at fashion magazines with me. We shared a time together as any two women, any two friends with common interests and taste in clothes. She was more alone than I, but still, I too was alone, living by myself with my cat. We both just wanted to be loved and accepted and to feel safe. We both had scars, hers much more horrifying than mine. I gave her a bag of clothes and shoes, and she said, "No one has never been this nice to me." My heart broke indescribably. She was a blessing to me as well. For but by the grace of God go I, I thought to myself. How quickly I could go from living from paycheck to paycheck to being destitute. But I had a good family to help me, and great friends. Was my mind so different from Joyce's? Was my heart?

It is the illusion of separateness, of specialness, that is the problem. If we can stop trying to acquire serenity and believe that God the Holy Spirit desires to live within us; if we can, through contemplation, learn to live from the heart-mind, which is from a deeper place than our transitory thoughts and emotions, then we would know we are all connected. Even those who are not Christians, who are not part of the Body of Christ via the Sacrament of Baptism, are our neighbors. We all come together as the spokes at the center of a wheel, and God is the hub. But we typically live on the outer rim, and we perceive that we are disconnected from one another.

In The Reed of God, Caryll Houselander says that we must learn to see Christ in everyone. Not in some, or in most. Not only in those who seem Christlike, but in everyone, in every single person that we meet. If we do this, then we find in this union that purest actualization of what makes us each a unique expression of humanity. We become more of who we really are, at our root. Our personalities, our so-called "defects of character" do not fall away. But we find ourselves, and God dwelling within us, when we lose ourselves. When we die to ourselves.

St. Paul said it, about there no longer being Jew or Gentile, male or female, etc... but only Christ who is in us. In a similar way, I do not believe that there is any "alcoholic mind" or special "Al-Anon disease" when you get right down to it. There is no "god of my understanding". There is God, and there is Christ in God, and there is me in Christ in God, and there is Christ in me. And we are all in Him, enclosed in his womb, and He is in us.

 from God Picked Me, by Louise A. Andreae

“Beautiful is God, the Word with God … He is beautiful in heaven, beautiful on earth; beautiful in the womb, beautiful in his parents’ arms, beautiful in his miracles, beautiful in his sufferings; beautiful in inviting to life, beautiful in not worrying about death, beautiful in giving up his life and beautiful in taking it up again; he is beautiful on the Cross, beautiful in the tomb, beautiful in heaven. Listen to the song with understanding, and let not the weakness of the flesh distract your eyes from the splendour of his beauty." --St. Augustine

Contemplative Approach to Recovery

This blog was first called "Catholic Twelve Steps" and later, "Paths to Grace".  With a new look and a new name, Garland of Grace Recovery Page, I want to once again pull focus and better define the shape this page is taking. Originally I thought I might draw up a new set of 12 Steps for recovery from a Catholic perspective, but as I have been writing, I have basically set aside that idea altogether. Instead, I have reflected upon what I have learned of Catholic teachings so far and applied that, along with the helpful tools I picked up as a long-time member of Al-Anon, to provide an alternative approach to healing. I have brought out the limitations of programs such as AA and Al-Anon and am proposing that a traditional Catholic way of living the sacramental life holds the fullest possibility of permanent sobriety and restoration of wholeness.

There is still much questioning to be done regarding the assumptions of the 12 Steps and teachings of Alcoholics Anonymous, upon which Al-Anon is based. I feel led now to a contemplative approach to solutions for both the addicts and those loved ones affected by such illnesses as alcoholism (and those conditions sometimes concurrently present, such as mental illness and depression).

Contemplation is defined as a) concentration on spiritual things as a form of devotion, and b) a state of mystical awareness of God's being.  For me, such contemplation ultimately relies upon Marian devotion, the "old school" devotion advocated by St. Louis de Montfort, of the to Jesus through Mary tradition. My personal practice of Catholicism also centers on the contemplation of Holy Wisdom and the wisdom tradition found in the Bible in books such as Proverbs, Job, Sirach, and the Wisdom of Solomon. For the fear of the Lord is the root of Wisdom, and by Wisdom we learn to practice true religion.

In my opinion, the contemplative, sacramental life is the supreme path to joy, wholeness, and a state of divine grace. You can begin simply with a daily time of prayer (the Rosary or reading from a Marian prayer book is helpful) and the reading of passages from the Wisdom books and from the Gospels. Regular attendance at Mass is crucial, and this blog will continue to give a more precise shape to the "Paths to Grace" (I will continue to use this particular name) program as we proceed.

With the help that I receive through the love and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, I hope to use my gift of language, by God's grace, to provide hope and understanding to others, as well as to make better sense of my own experiences. We can't expect an exemption from suffering, but we can learn to unite our sorrows to Jesus on the cross. We may not be able to be happy every moment of every day, whether or not the alcoholic is still drinking. But holiness is our goal, not freedom from pain. To drink of the eternal wellspring of joy daily is possible, while happiness will come and go. We must learn to know the difference. Let us not be satisfied with merely being "spiritual" in the new age way of indifferentism. Let us rather bring back Religion and seek the one, holy and apostolic Truth of the Church founded by our Lord and Savior.

Dealing with the Peanut Gallery (a Depression Issue Update)

The most viewed post of this blog, by far, is titled "Depression in a Loved One."  This tells me that in the land of recovery, depression is a hot button topic. Yet when I wrote it, I had no idea how extremely hot. It all began when I did an internet search for advice on how to help loved ones suffering from grief and depression. A number of people I am close to have experienced loss, grief, and heartbreak in relatively recent times, as well as serious health problems and mental/emotional issues. The link between alcoholism/addiction and depression and mental illness is strong. In fact, a friend of mine who works at a rehabilitation facility told me that there is only one addict patient there who is not also mentally ill (keep in mind, however, that this is only the case in one treatment center; I do not know the statistics across the board). In my reading I came across research establishing the contagious nature of depression (like a psychological sneeze), and I noted the similarity between those cases and the conventional wisdom that alcoholism becomes a "family disease."

Problems with friends and family members in the areas of addiction, depression, and mental illness were not only recent. I reflected on instances going more than 20 years back, and suddenly so many things began to make sense. I realized I had been affected not only by the alcoholism of people close to me, but by their issues with depression and mental illness as well. Having put such a significant piece into the puzzle, naturally I wanted to share it. I use no real names in this blog, nor do I use my own, not even in my profile. I did, however, share the link for "Depression in a Loved One" on my Facebook wall. I share links to other websites, blogs, etc. regularly, so there was no reason to necessarily assume I wrote the post, and I did not invite anyone personally to read it. Nevertheless, and despite the fact that one can send a personal message to Facebook or post comments right here at the blog, instead I received negative responses, some attacking my character quite zealously, directly on my wall. I will call this group the Peanut Gallery, and name them Lucy, Schroeder, and Peppermint Patty (all are related by blood or marriage).

 Peanuts cartoon by Charles Schultz

Call me Marcie. Marcie wrote her book report in her typical, literary nerd type way, completely unaware that she had hidden, evil intentions. But Lucy was deeply offended, Schroeder started banging hard on his keyboard with steam coming out of his ears, and worst of all, Peppermint Patty loudly accused Marcie of writing mean things about Sally. Now, this a report about recovery, and Marcie obviously was striving for some semblance of anonymity, but Peppermint Patty blew the chances of that all to hell right on Facebook.

Now, the fact of the matter is that the report was not specifically about Sally or anyone else. Marcie used a composite character name to describe her experiences with many people over the course of decades. Most specifically the composite character reflected the case of a large percentage of people Marcie had heard speak at Al-Anon meetings, people depressed and disturbed by the drinking/addiction of their children, who were in their teens and twenties. It additionally reflected various family members and friends of Marcie, including her own husband, who did not assume it had anything to do with him at all and was in no way offended by it. It included Marcie herself, who was also not offended by this report apparently written by her sinister doppelganger while she was sleeping (or at least she began to grow paranoid and wonder...)

Linus also read the report and became so vicious as a result that Marcie feared for the safety of herself and her family, and now Marcie's husband will not allow Linus to visit their home. Peppermint Patty told Marcie that someone else told her she just had to read Marcie's report. I can't help but think of rich women with servants in the 1960s who had nothing better to do than play bridge all afternoon and gossip (see the movie, The Help). I have no idea who passed the report on to Sally, who is very sensitive and who the family knew was in an intense state of grief, or to Linus, who though usually a sweet, loving person, is easily set off (both are also family members). How can the Peanut Gallery claim to care for these people yet intentionally point their attention to something they thought would be very hurtful? But Marcie, says the Peanut Gallery, if you wouldn't have written your book report and tried to be "helpful" in the first place... Yes, just call me Charlie Brown. What a stupid Christmas tree I chose, indeed!

But wait, the merry-go-round is still spinning! Because of the damage done by all the large nuts thrown at my head, I have no desire to host the family Christmas party or other gatherings of the whole clan. This would be no big deal except that the main reason I started doing this was to take the burden off my grandmother. She is worn out by health issues and her age and does not need to be frantically cleaning her home and preparing a bunch of food. She is happy to do it, of course, but it is better if she doesn't have to. Only one other family member ever hosts for the holidays, and that is not often, so since I have the large home to accomodate a lot of people and I enjoy having parties, I do it.  Now that I feel so alienated, I do not wish to do it this year, so who will take the burden from Grandma? Well, Christmas is still far away, and we should not worry about tomorrow.  The pertinent point is to expose just how far the effects of those flying nuts can reach, and what terrible bruises they leave.

Whoever read Marcie's report first might have called Marcie on the phone to talk over his or her concerns. To get some more information. To discover Marcie's real intentions. The bottom line of the report, after all, was about becoming more aware of the source of relationship difficulties and therefore to respond with deeper understanding and compassion, both for oneself and for others. And to avoid being hurt by the effects of the depression (some of which can be irrational thoughts, unhealthy behaviors, and disproportionate anger) of a loved one and its contagious nature. The tendency, unfortunately, among those affected by alcoholism/depression/mental illness is to be reactionary. They (myself included) feel compelled to respond immediately, without taking a deep breath, without waiting for the initial heat of emotion to disperse and then to attempt to objectively evaluate the situation. Technology makes this bad habit of reaction too easy, and you can't burn the letter after you write it. In the case of Marcie's report, she was not feeling angry or resentful and so felt safe in sharing her experiences. That was evidently a foul ball regardless. Caryll Houselander's spiritual classic, The Reed of God, has shed some new light on these things for me. She writes:

"People who will not compromise with Christ's values are uncomfortable neighbors for mediocrity; they are likely to be misunderstood; they are often hated...In the world in which we live today, the great understanding given by the Spirit of Wisdom must involve us in a lot of suffering. We shall be obliged to see the wound that sin has inflicted on the people of the world...And in proportion to our understanding we are likely to be misunderstood...But if the misunderstanding of the world outside our homes can afflict us, it is nothing compared with the misunderstanding of those who are very dear to us (and this is so frequent that it is almost inevitable)...Even the presence of Christ in us does not do away with our own clumsiness, blindness, stupidity; indeed, sometimes because of our limitations, His light is a blinding light to us and we become, for a time, more dense than before. We shall still be irritable, still make mistakes, and still very likely be unaware of how exasperating we are."

Marcie, for her part, went back to edit her report for greater clarity, to hopefully affect the tone and intention that she was seeking, and removed the composite character's name entirely. She informed the Peanut Gallery of her honest efforts to alleviate their misunderstanding and concern. The damage done to Sally and Linus is done. They fed off the Gallery's peanuts and thought the worst of Marcie too. I think that it would behoove all of the characters in this story to extend a heaping spoon of Grace to one another and each to drink deeply from the cup of humility. Otherwise the devil wins.

St. Therese on Self-Defense

"When we are misunderstood and judged unfavorably, what good does it do to defend or explain ourselves? Let the matter drop and say nothing. It's so much better to say nothing and allow others to judge us as they please! We don't see in the Gospel where Mary explained herself when her sister accused her of remaining at Jesus' feet, doing nothing! She didn't say: 'Oh, Martha, if you only knew the joy I am experiencing, if you only heard the words I hear! And besides, it's Jesus who told me to remain here.' No, she preferred to remain silent. O blessed silence that gives so much peace to souls!"  -- St. Therese of Lisieux

 St. Therese of Lisieux, Doctor of the Church

When I read the above quote, I was amazed. It sounded just like advice I had learned in Al-Anon! But Therese lived only 24 years, from 1873-1897, way before the term "alcoholism" existed, certainly before there were any 12 step groups. If someone wanted to know the meaning of detachment, I would point him to St. Therese. But she was a saint, one of the most beloved of all time, we might argue. She is called the "Little Flower of Jesus", for heaven's sake. What hope have we of emulating this French Carmelite nun? But if we want to recover, to be at peace, to live life on our own terms, what choice do we have but to walk the path of the Little Flower? One thing we can do right now is to pray for her intercession! Search your library or the internet and read about this remarkable woman who became so holy is such a short while. She had much more to say.

Notice that Therese's attitude in no way sounds defensive. There is a lightness, just like we perceive in Mary of Bethany. We are not obligated to justify ourselves to anyone, nor to defend ourselves in any way. Defending against a thing makes it real. Therese's (and Mary of Bethany's) only reality was Jesus.

 Mary of Bethany

Much of the time, it is not other people who disappoint us; it is our expectations of them. For example, Renee is hurt because her mother compares her unfavorably to her siblings. She does not live up to her mother's expectations of her. When Renee then feels defensive, she may become unkind, or she may scramble to do the thing that she thinks will satisfy her mother. Such responses will inevitably backfire, and Renee will be living her life to please someone else, or she will behave in a way that makes her not feel good about herself. She will undercut her own self-worth by allowing her mother to find fault with her. Instead, Renee must face the painful truth that she is not unconditionally valued and accepted by her mother, respond as kindly as she can, and resist the urge to be a people pleaser. She must let go of her expectations that her mother will accept her exactly as she is.

Everyone is different, and Renee need not be like her brother or her sister. She only has to be the best Renee that she can be. Competition forced upon siblings, and favoritism shown by a parent, is no less harmful to adults than it is to children. If she takes the advice of St. Therese, Renee can see more clearly that insidious family merry-go-round and walk in the opposite direction, not in a state of anger, grief, or anxiety, but like a child through a field of wildflowers, the breeze playing in her hair.

Becoming like St. Therese and Mary of Bethany is not easy. But if we walk the path of holiness, how can we go wrong? We are the apple of our Father's eye, the beloved of our Blessed Mother. We are all seeds waiting to become Little Flowers. We don't have to respond to the accusations and expectations of others. We can just be. We can wait. We can pray. We can abide in sacred silence and trust that all will be well, if only we let go, empty ourselves, and allow ourselves to be filled with the light of Holy Wisdom--to be free.

"I Understand That's How You Feel"

The title of this post is one of those tools used in Al-Anon for situations in which there is conflict one wishes to diffuse. You can tell the conversation is going nowhere good, or the argument is escalating. Often a person just wants to have his or her feelings validated. To avoid assigning blame, or allowing oneself to be verbally attacked, a phrase such as, "I understand that's how you feel" may take the heat out of the argument. I was so happy when a boyfriend who had once been in the Al-Anon program said this to me when I was upset about something. I thought, finally, a guy who understands how I feel! It is no fun when someone tries to talk you out of your feelings, or tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way. So it would seem that this would be an effective response in a sticky conversation.

Except when it doesn't work. Recently a family member brought up a situation from 2010 in which she did not feel I had handled a problem well enough. Right away there is a red flag if past issues are being brought up, clouding the current issue, which should be the only one receiving attention. My effort to validate her feelings with I understand that's how you feel was rejected. Now not only was a minor problem dug back up from a year and a half ago, but I was then accused of using this Al-Anon tool as a way of not admitting I had done something wrong. She also refused to consider her part in the problem, circumstances which certainly magnified the situation for her.

If someone won't allow you to use your recovery tools, what do you do? I don't know. I did say I was sorry that the problem had occurred, but in hindsight, I might have refused to discuss something that has already been discussed and needs to be let go. At the root of much conflict are expectations. I did not meet this person's expectations that day in 2010. My response, "I understand that's how you feel," did not meet her expectations. And that is none of my business.

What I wish to do is to blog here every day, or most days at least, for awhile. See what solutions come to mind, and as an outlet for my feelings and frustrations. Sometimes what I write here does not meet the expectations of other people. They will even tell me what I should and should not write about. That is another big issue--control. Interestingly, every person who has voiced an objection is either an alcoholic (and/or depressed or mentally ill), is married to one or related in another close way, or both. Perhaps the topics hit too close to home. Ironically, the reactions I have gotten rather prove the points I am trying to make. The reader just may not get what I am attempting to discuss, or misunderstands my intentions, assuming the worst. Assume makes an ass out of u and me. And anger is spread around like a cloud of smoke, suffocating us all, and hurt builds upon hurt.

I really can't win. I can't just write about my life. My life. Or a topic of interest to me. Or express my opinion. And that's my point. No one wins in this toxic game of Who's On First. The need to control, or to be offended, or to assign blame is just too strong. When I read something I don't like, I just quit reading it. I don't show it to someone else and try to stir up trouble. I just figure it isn't any of my business and go on with my life. I wish others would do the same, but I have to accept that they are where they are in their spiritual growth, and I am where I am. To live and let live is a difficult art to master.

I have sometimes responded by editing my posts, or trying to clarify my intentions to these people. In other words, I have allowed the alcoholic/mentally ill/depressed person to pull my strings, the very thing from which I am trying to recover! Really, if these folks read this blog without knowing who wrote it, I doubt they would be offended at all. It seems to never be considered that I may be right about anything.

Well, I am done. I am writing what I write. It's time to get off the merry-go-round. It's time to stop having the crazy making conversations. It's time to stop allowing others to insist that I admit to doing/saying/thinking/feeling something wrong. My hope is that as I get better, others will get better, and what I write here will help someone else. That has been my only intention all along.

Riding Out the Storm

In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie talks about how to avoid being blown about by every wind. For those who are or have been affected by alcoholism or some other dysfunction in a loved one or in their family of origin, it can be difficult not to feel every bump in the road, as if we are suffering from permanent whiplash.

Remember the Bible story, a favorite of children, in which Jesus has fallen asleep on the boat with his disciples when a great storm suddenly begins to rage? His followers wake Jesus up, fearing for their lives. He comments on their lack of faith before quieting the storm. We codependents are not the type to sleep through storms. We are ever alert, ever vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop. If we can only catch it this time, before it hits the floor... We try to solve our problems on our own, without help, divine or otherwise. After all, we are the ones who hold everything together, get everyone to the storm cellar before the tornado hits the farm. But then we find ourselves still outside screaming, "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"

Somehow we must learn to reside in the calm center of the tornado. There is a still place within the storm, and we need to be able to relax in the arms of God while chaos rages all around us. How do we do this? Prayer is the number one answer. Some people also meditate, fast, practice yoga, read the Bible. We need to take care of ourselves and stay in the present moment. If you look up and the sky is not falling, you are okay. Using the tools in the Paths of Grace for recovery will get us there, if we are consistent.

People usually say that it is more common to turn to God during the bad times and forget to pray during the good. But I think the opposite is just as common. When I get stressed out and caught up in a toxic situation, I sometimes neglect to turn to God with my concerns. I get caught on the merry-go-round to the point of puking, but I don't know how to slow it down. If prayer is your daily habit, you will be more inclined to talk to God in every situation, the good, the bad, the ugly--and the beautiful. In future posts I will begin to form a specific outline for Paths of Grace and then explore each path in detail. I hope you continue on this journey of recovery with me.

Alcoholic Family Roles

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/168187-roles-alcoholic-family.html

When I was a senior in high school, a sibling was identified as an alcoholic, and the rest of the family received counseling at the treatment center. The roles each family member takes on were explained, and the above link gives a detailed explanation of each of these roles. These roles occur as coping strategies in a dysfunctional family. At that time I fit the description of the "hero" perfectly. Often this is the oldest child (like me) who sees more clearly than other members the problem that is going on in the family. The hero excels in academics, sports, music, etc..., which makes the family look good and deflects attention from the problem of alcoholism. See, we aren't that bad--look at this other perfect child! And perfectionism, often leading to workaholism, becomes a characteristic of this hero child. The hero follows all the rules, obeys the status quo. As an adult, the hero may distance himself from the family and look elsewhere for the approval he did not receive in his family of origin. The hero only received approval for his accomplishments, not for just being himself. 

 Wonder Woman

The "scapegoat", on the other hand, deflects attention from the alcoholism by getting into other kinds of trouble. According to the above article, alcohol is not identified as an issue; often, the scapegoat is identified as the problem. These roles can continue into adulthood, and it can be very difficult to break these patterns. Other family members may desire that you stay in your role. I broke the status quo by doing things my own way, dancing to the beat of my own drum. While I obeyed the law, achieved higher education as well as schooling for a technical skill, got married, stayed married, and had my child in wedlock, I didn't follow certain expectations, or make decisions others agreed with. I am still the "hero" in that I am more acutely aware that certain situations are unacceptable, dysfunctional, or just not within the realm of a healthy normalcy. I am honest in my feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Others would rather sweep any unpleasantness under the rug. Or the opposite--never let any of my alleged offenses go. So the halo got crooked, then fell off, and my role became more as the scapegoat. And over and over, I get sucked in.

Whether it is alcoholism, drug abuse, clinical depression, or mental illness in your family, it helps to make sense of one's situation by understanding the role one has been assigned. Are you still trapped in it? If you have tried to get off the merry-go-round, do others insist that you stay in your role--or else? Or else rejection, disapproval, criticism, and judgment? If you change, others are forced to change their relationship with you, and that makes people uncomfortable. Even if the alcoholic gets sober or you no longer live with the dysfunctional situation, the family dynamics may not have been allowed to change, heal and improve. It seems that each time I think progress is being made, a new version of the same old stuff raises its ugly head. Perhaps timing is part of the problem. If a member grows up and leaves for college, gets married and moves away, or something like that, his family of origin may not be able to relate to him as the adult he then becomes. They still see him as he was at 18 or whenever the separation occurred. His family doesn't really know or understand the person he is today, and he unconsciously may revert to his previous position in the family, stuck like a skip in a vinyl record album. Or perhaps just because he lives far away, he may be an easy scapegoat for problems occurring at the home base.

"Everything beautiful is the Lord," a wise old woman once told me. If it's ugly, it isn't the Lord. It's the other guy doing his secret evil to drag you to hell. Just don't go there. It's time for a radical shift, and I am the only one who can make it happen for me (super hero cape or not)!

Another Look at Detachment

de·tach·ment  (d-tchmnt)n.

1. The act or process of disconnecting or detaching; separation.

2. The state of being separate or detached.

3. Indifference to or remoteness from the concerns of others; aloofness: preserved a chilly detachment in his relations with the family.

4. Absence of prejudice or bias; disinterest: strove to maintain her professional detachment in the case.

These are the definitions of detachment given by an online dictionary. I have always had mixed feelings about the concept and practice of detachment, and I am beginning to understand why. My first sponsor in Al-Anon, who was also a member of AA, instructed me to read all the pages on detachment in the program literature as my first assignment. Detachment was regularly a topic brought up at meetings. I think this was because it was such a difficult idea to understand and just as hard to practice. When emotions run high, when the walls are crumbling all around you, such emotional distancing and separation from others can seem impossible. In a way, it is. A qualification was then given to this task; that is, to detach with love. But being both loving and aloof seems counterintuitive. However, by detached the program does not mean to suggest that one be unfeeling as the above definitions might suggest. 

We must find a way not to be so involved in the alcoholism and problems of others, to take care of ourselves and not lose our serenity when dealing with overwhelming difficulties and toxic, volatile relationships. My conclusion? One cannot detach on one's own, and detachment is not even a worthy goal if it is focusing on a negative. Rather than willing oneself to achieve complete emotional separation, my belief is that there is only one way out of our problems. We must become attached to God alone. In this way only will we be able to set our boundaries, mind our own business, and remain spiritually healthy. Our only hope is to rest in God. I have revised my previous post, Suffering and Detachment, to better clarify these ideas.

So this is the new slogan I suggest: Attachment to God alone. If we are attached to God, we abide in Love. There is no separation; we are all one in the Lord. Perhaps this was the goal when detachment became the prescription of the day, but it ultimately left me adrift, a ship with no anchor. And eventually I get fed up, frustrated, overcome with grief or anger, and/or physically ill as a result of toxic circumstances and relationships. Only a saint can practice detachment in any situation, and most of us won't reach the level of sainthood in this lifetime. But we can take a contemplative approach to recovery and begin to learn detachment in a particularly Christian way and apply it with Divine Love to our troubling situations. Our anchor is the Lord. This is the basis for Paths to Grace. And in this blog I hope to channel the will of God, that He might provide the tools to carry this out, that our paths will be made straight and clear, with no confusion or ambiguity left to impede complete healing. 

The Source of Healing

Psalm 103:2-5
Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, For You are my praise.

Matthew 9 (NIV)
Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town. ² Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.”
³ At this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is blaspheming!”
⁴ Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts? ⁵ Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up and walk’? ⁶ But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “Get up, take your mat and go home.” ⁷ Then the man got up and went home. ⁸ When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such authority to man.

 by Louis Jean-Jacques Durameau

These are only a few of the many Bible verses on healing. The source of all healing is the Lord. Whether it is physical, psychological, spiritual, or emotional healing that one needs--and many times it is a combination of these--the restoration of health and wholeness comes from God. Notice in these passages that forgiveness of iniquities (sins) and salvation are inherent to the process of healing. When Jesus heals the paralyzed man, He says, "Your sins are forgiven," and the man walks away rejoicing. There is no separation between body and spirit. Jesus is the original holistic healer!

Meditating upon such verses of healing, as well as praying for the healing of either yourself or another person, is powerful and effective when done with faith, such as the men who bring their paralyzed friend to Jesus possess. They exhibit no doubt that if they can get their friend to Jesus, He will heal him, and they don't let the crowd blocking their way prevent their mission. They go so far as to cut a hole in the roof of the house and lower him down! We must all have such great faith. We can let nothing prevent us from our relationship with Jesus and the healing He is waiting to provide. He sent the Holy Spirit also to guide and comfort us and strengthen our faith, and that divine Comforter dwells within us when we are baptized in water and in the Spirit.

Alcoholism is often referred to as a "cunning and baffling" disease. But isn't such anthropomorphic language attributing too much power to a disease? After all, alcoholism is not a conscious being, and neither is mental illness, drug or other addiction, or depression. However, there is one who is cunning and wishes to baffle  and destroy us, and he is Satan. I think he would rather that we forget all about him while he is busy with his works of evil. No doubt he is there when the alcoholic drinks, he is there when the pornography addict surfs the web, he is there when we fight with our spouse or other family members, and he is there to encourage us to lose faith and hope in times of sickness, affliction, and suffering. He doesn't want us taking our friends to Jesus to have them healed and forgiven. He is the master of deception.

When you pray the Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary, added by Pope John Paul II, the 3rd Mystery of Light is the "Declaration of the Kingdom."  Jesus declared that the Kingdom of God is at hand, not somewhere in the distant past or far ahead in the future. It is right now. He went from town to town preaching the good news and healing all manner of illness and sorrow. He cast out demons, and he withstood all of the devil's temptations. So as you pray the Rosary, meditate upon these healing works of the Lord, those that fill us with the light of God, and know and believe that they are yours. There is no "program" created by men that will do the trick. We are healed and forgiven only by grace and the authority of Jesus. There is no completion of sobriety or soundness of mind, body, and spirit that will endure except through the power of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit; that is, salvation by membership in the family of God.

Progress, Not Perfection

I was often comforted by the slogan, "progress, not perfection" in the rooms of Al-Anon. Perfectionism can be a problem for the family and friends of alcoholics, for any number of reasons. We may want our homes to appear "normal" to others. We may suffer from low self-esteem or be afraid others will not like us or want to be our friends because of our alcoholic circumstances. Many in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon also grew up with alcoholic parents, sometimes suffering various forms of abuse. Some have been raped or molested or been victims of incest. They have lived in such continuous fear that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Members of Al-Anon come to realize that their suffering has resulted in an obsessive need for control, because so much in life has been chaotic for them. They learn that in their quest for healing and ways to cope, they are allowed the grace to "do the program messy."

In others words, it is okay to make mistakes. If you lose your temper, or say something hurtful, or react to problems in a way that is unhealthy, you can make amends to yourself and others and try again. Recovery from the effects of alcoholism is not a test to be passed with flying colors, with a big A+ and a smiley face sticker. Two steps forward, one step back is more the pattern of progress.

When I write here about my experiences, it is not out of anger and resentment, but rather a desire to understand myself and others better, to raise questions that are important to me, and to offer insights and possible solutions. I can't do this without expressing what happened. My tone may not come across the way I intend to someone else, but I do my best to be clear and to write with the highest integrity. God knows my heart, and He knows yours. He doesn't expect us to be perfect. That's why Jesus came, so we could be perfected in Him. That is why he sent the Holy Spirit in His place, to dwell within us to achieve that perfection of grace that is available in the family of God.

If someone becomes angry with you or is offended by you, your first instinct might be to fix his feelings. You may feel that you somehow failed to be perfect, and begin to doubt yourself. You may try to talk him out of feeling the way he feels. While we certainly need to speak and act responsibly, feelings do get hurt unintentionally, misunderstandings do occur, and we and others do make mistakes. That is okay. It does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, although in some cases the relationship will need to change or discontinue. You cannot fix or control someone else's feelings. People choose to react the way they do. Often a negative response is just their "stuff"; it doesn't really have anything to do with you. We really don't have the power to make someone feel or react in any particular way. I am glad I am not so powerful!! Compassion, compassion, compassion. For yourself and for others. A wise friend of mine once said that when someone is hardest to love, that is when she needs love the most.

It is apparent to me that many people would prefer to keep relationships shallow, to stay on the safe surface of things. Talk about hairstyles, the weather, work, TV shows and movies. It is a real conversation stopper when people bring up a television program, and I say, "I don't have TV at my house."  People don't feel comfortable talking about what is Real, especially if it is painful. I may be worn thin like the velveteen rabbit, but at least I have the promise of someday being a Real Bunny. And so do you. Applaud your progress, and let the Lord perfect you in His time. Last night while praying the Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary, I repeated before each Hail Mary on the Coming of the Holy Spirit decade, "The Holy Spirit dwells in me" and "I am perfected in the Holy Spirit."

Contagious Depression

Experts have suggested that a person is born with a certain happiness quotient, a natural temperament toward optimism or pessimism, or a particular level of feeling good. We all know someone who always sees the sunny side of everything, and we all know the gloomy Eeyore type from the Winnie the Pooh books. Someone once said that if his hair caught on fire, I would say it was a good thing, because now he wouldn't have to brush it! I had no idea I seemed like such a happy-go-lucky person. The up side for those who are naturally more melancholy is that environment can be a big factor in balancing things out. Studies have shown proper diet and exercise to be as effective as anti-depressants in some cases.

 Eeyore

That brings up an interesting question on the flip side of the coin. Can depression rub off on other people? Can a depressed person in your environment transfer his depression to you? I have personally felt the effects of another person's anger and depression in a physical way. The energy, even over the telephone or computer, or in a letter, is tangible. Some say that thoughts are actually things that can have either good or ill effects. Think about the power of prayer to heal, and you may agree. In the following article, you can read how this contagious effect of depression works. I have experienced it, not realizing what it was. A person taking out his depression on you can become suddenly and disproportionately irritable and angry, or be hyper sensitive toward you or reactionary and very defensive. Or after being around a very sad or negative person, you may find your own balloon sagging and wonder why.

Luckily, I was able to work through my recent suffering through Catholic teaching on the subject, which I have written about in previous posts. According to this article and others, depression certainly can be a family illness, just like alcoholism. We need to let go of the stigma of these disorders, acknowledge and accept the truth of the situation, and seek help. If you get better, you help your loved one get better, too. Denial serves no one, and sweeping clinical depression under the carpet can have devastating results.

Is depression catching?

by ANNETTE WETHERIDGE

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Depression is one of the most widespread health problems of the modern age. But we tend to assume we are either prone to it or not. Now American psychologists have discovered that depression is contagious.
Like tired people who trigger yawning fits in others, depression is apparently like psychological flu. If you've got it, you spread it around. Here, Dr Thomas Joiner, professor of psychology at Florida State University, describes how romantic partners, friends and colleagues can all pass on the depression bug . . .

Depression is believed to be caused by a chemical imbalance. Yet our study shows that other people can - and do - trigger depression. It doesn't matter if you are happy-go-lucky or a pessimist - if you spend enough time with someone who is depressed, you, too, are going to suffer depression.
We put 105 couples through a battery of tests to prove partners fall into the same patterns. Over a one-year period the couples were quizzed time and again about their feelings and moods.
Surprisingly, those who were depressed had very negative feelings towards their other half. These were people who were supposedly in love - yet the dominant, depressed person in each relationship tended to be disparaging, and the other person was upset and depressed because of what was going on.

The depression was a vicious circle - the more one partner was down, the more that person spread their mood. If, for instance, a husband is depressed, he is no longer available emotionally to his wife.
He becomes hostile, and she has to take care of the children and all the other things the husband used to do. So she becomes hostile and depressed herself, because of the burden he has placed on her and starts to believe it is her fault her husband is down.
It can become a Catch-22 - they go round in a vicious circle blaming each other for their bad moods. The only solution is for one of them to get better. By this stage both probably need medication and intensive therapy, whether together or alone.

Women prone to depression often choose alcoholic or abusive men for husbands, possibly because they suffer from low self-esteem. Their negative thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophesy. They believe they are unworthy, therefore they pick an unworthy partner. And when one gets depressed, the other follows suit. But that's not to say someone who was always happy won't suddenly become depressed and spread their depression.

The first depression is usually triggered by something dramatic, such as a death or a job loss. Subsequent depression follows, though it will never be as bleak. The first major warning sign is known as anhedonia - a person loses their capacity for pleasure.
For instance, someone who once loved to spend their time on the golf course or pottering around the garden no longer wants to do it. They might still go into the garden at weekends, but their conversation revolves around whether it's worth it, whether there is any point in weeding or mowing the grass.
Then there is a change in sleep patterns. A person who has slept well may suddenly become an insomniac, or wants to sleep all the time and cannot be bothered to get out of bed in the morning.
They may also become irritable for no reason. Inevitably, their partner suffers. How can they not? The partner walks around on egg shells, trying not to cause the depressed person any more problems. They retreat into themselves, too, and inevitably blame themselves.

The first thing the least depressed person has to do is understand it is not their problem. They have to arrange for their partner to get treatment. Often the depressed partner does not believe anything is wrong, so gentle persuasion is needed. If the person refuses, the spouse should initially go alone and discuss the problems with a therapist.
It is also worth giving the depressed person space. Don't cling, don't demand answers they probably can't give. Back off and give yourself some space. Keep up with friends, go alone to social events if the other person does not feel like going out.
In other words maintain some sort of life for yourself. Don't sink to the same depths as them. And when the partner is being particularly irritable, ask them what is wrong, ask them what you have done to upset them. Eventually, they will realise you have done nothing wrong. Sadly, some couples end up in the divorce courts, trapped in a vicious circle of depression.

I did a similar study on university roommates. Often in America, in your first year at college, you have no choice about who you share a room with. Yet even with strangers -people who are not emotionally involved - depression rubs off. If a student is unhappy, inevitably the roommate picks up the bad vibes.
You can see the same thing happening in the workplace. A boss who comes in on a Monday morning in a bad mood will bring down his staff.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2978/Is-depression-catching.html#ixzz1s2hqTb2M

Types of Depression

Depression will often accompany addiction, or occur in the family and friends of alcoholics. The onset of depression may follow a traumatic experience or serious health condition, and sometimes various factors will occur in succession, leading from a temporary episode of grief or a case of "the blues" to a serious illness. It can be difficult to recognize in yourself or someone else, as many symptoms may also occur for different reasons, such as a medical condition or hormonal imbalance, or changes due to age. There is a wide range of degrees and types of depression, as follows. I hope this helps in pinpointing the contribution depression may be making to problems within families and friendships and lead to increased support and compassion. Often simply putting a name to a problem brings immense relief, because then one has the necessary information to know how to proceed, or at least where to begin to seek help.  

Here is an overview of types of depression from NIMH:

What are the different forms of depression?

There are several forms of depressive disorders.

Major depressive disorder, or major depression, is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person's ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities. Major depression is disabling and prevents a person from functioning normally. Some people may experience only a single episode within their lifetime, but more often a person may have multiple episodes.

Depression is a common but serious illness. Most who experience depression need treatment to get better.

Dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia, is characterized by long-term (2 years or longer) symptoms that may not be severe enough to disable a person but can prevent normal functioning or feeling well. People with dysthymia may also experience one or more episodes of major depression during their lifetimes.

Minor depression is characterized by having symptoms for 2 weeks or longer that do not meet full criteria for major depression. Without treatment, people with minor depression are at high risk for developing major depressive disorder.

Some forms of depression are slightly different, or they may develop under unique circumstances. However, not everyone agrees on how to characterize and define these forms of depression. They include:

• Psychotic depression, which occurs when a person has severe depression plus some form of psychosis, such as having disturbing false beliefs or a break with reality (delusions), or hearing or seeing upsetting things that others cannot hear or see (hallucinations).
• Postpartum depression, which is much more serious than the "baby blues" that many women experience after giving birth, when hormonal and physical changes and the new responsibility of caring for a newborn can be overwhelming. It is estimated that 10 to 15 percent of women experience postpartum depression after giving birth.¹
• Seasonal affective disorder (SAD), which is characterized by the onset of depression during the winter months, when there is less natural sunlight. The depression generally lifts during spring and summer. SAD may be effectively treated with light therapy, but nearly half of those with SAD do not get better with light therapy alone. Antidepressant medication and psychotherapy can reduce SAD symptoms, either alone or in combination with light therapy.²

Bipolar disorder, also called manic-depressive illness, is not as common as major depression or dysthymia. Bipolar disorder is characterized by cycling mood changes—from extreme highs (e.g., mania) to extreme lows (e.g., depression). More information about bipolar disorder is available.

And from the Mayo Clinic:

Depression symptoms include:

• Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
• Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
• Reduced sex drive
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
• Irritability or angry outbursts
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
• Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
• Crying spells for no apparent reason
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

For some people, depression symptoms are so severe that it's obvious something isn't right. Other people feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.
Depression affects each person in different ways, so symptoms caused by depression vary from person to person. Inherited traits, age, gender and cultural background all play a role in how depression may affect you.

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Depression in a Loved One

Our Lady of Sorrows

You may know someone who is clinically depressed and is on medication, and perhaps has been for many years. A family doctor, that is, a general practitioner can prescribe depression medicine. Depression may coincide with alcoholism or other addictions, or it may stand alone as a disorder, dysfunction, or mental illness. I think we are all aware of the concerns with treating any number of disorders with pills and nothing else. I have to wonder, does the depressed person who is given no other avenues of treatment actually improve adequately in her condition, especially long term? Should a doctor be able to fill out a prescription for depression, and approve refills, without any sort of regular evaluation by a therapist who specializes in psychiatry or psychology? Are other holistic treatments, environmental factors, and lifestyle considerations taken into account, such as overall health, diet and exercise?

You may not realize that you are being affected by another person's depression, even if you know they suffer from a serious case of it. I have experienced issues over a number of years, in various instances, that I have only recently recognized to be the result of depression that was not adequately treated in family members and friends, and situations in which I became depressed myself. Common is the type of case in which a person is dealing with mental illness and/or addiction in an adult or teenage child, along with his or her own depression. Such situations were true of a number of people who shared their stories in Al-Anon. You may not put the pieces together until a particular event produces such extreme reactions in a loved one that a light bulb goes on and you consider that, like the progressive effects of alcoholism, the depression could go deeper and deeper, and over a period of time, have severely debilitating or even devastating results.

For the person in certain states of depression, problems are magnified, his or her perceptions are distorted, and in severe cases there can be a break with reality. And like alcoholism, the depressed person may be good at masking symptoms for a long while. She may isolate herself from others. One close friend of mine who lives long distance often neglects to return phone calls for long periods of time. I believe that depression has been a problem for her for years, and she has thankfully gotten herself professional help, even if she doesn't feel comfortable sharing her problems with friends.

Your loved one may find things to fault others for and worry obsessively over situations and others' behavior. I have experienced never being able to do anything right in such a person's eyes, having him or her seem to think the worst of me and not trust me to make good decisions. Or even accuse me of being the depressed one (and at times I have indeed become depressed as a result of extreme family turmoil and the contagious nature of depression). This person most likely does not realize that he is projecting his depression, or even spreading it like a psychological sneeze. It can be hard to discern where such difficulties are coming from. Depression could certainly be playing a part.

A depressed person may be able to hide his or her illness from co-workers, casual acquaintances, and members of her church. She may look fine on the outside and even smile and laugh at gatherings. But otherwise she may be low functioning and slowly drowning. If you live with someone you suspect is seriously depressed, get her help immediately. Don't wait for the suicide attempt or nervous break down. Talk to a therapist or spiritual director about how you can support this person. I once called a suicide hotline when I was in college out of grave concern for a friend. You may not realize how fragile and hyper-sensitive she might be, and any benign comment from you could feel like a slap in the face. And just like with alcoholism, you could be pulled into the quicksand and start sinking with your loved one, without even realizing it.

Once you have pin-pointed depression as a possible contributor to the issue, hopefully you will not take things so personally when your loved one acts out his despair. Unfortunately, other family members may enable their depressed loved one and unintentionally contribute to his mental and emotional imbalance. They may not know what to do to help this person, and so they look around for someone else to blame, and that unlucky soul may be you, as it has been me. If you are kind but firm in not allowing yourself to be a punching bag, other family members may overcome their denial and get the depressed person the help they desperately need. Or the depressed person himself may realize that you have done nothing wrong. Keep praying for all of those affected by the situation, including yourself, and when you interact with your depressed loved one, be extra gentle and suggest she needs more than just the meds (or perhaps needs to be evaluated) if her symptoms have progressed. Always keep in mind that you may be dealing with someone who sees things reflected as in a fun house mirror, and that this can't be any fun for her at all. Embody compassion.

Sometimes the best thing to do if you are attacked or criticized is not to respond. Say, "I understand that's how you feel" and change the subject or end the conversation. Refuse to argue. The more you say, even to defend yourself, the more mired in the web you will become. Depression, like alcoholism, can be a family illness, and anger can be an unrecognized symptom of it. Get help for yourself if it becomes too much to bear. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally harmed or psychologically abused. Like alcoholism, you didn't cause the depression, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you can contribute to your own suffering if you help perpetuate the vicious cycle and allow it to poison your life. There are no easy answers to these problems, but there is always hope. Let God sustain you. Let Jesus carry you. And let Mary bless you with her grace.

Our Lady of Grace