Do I Offend?

 Andie and the Duck Man

(Molly Ringwald and John Crier)

"Do I offend?"  This movie line, spoken by John Crier's Duck Man character in Pretty in Pink, popped into my head recently when I was worried that I might have offended a friend.  Later in the day after getting together with her, I began to imagine that she might not have liked a comment I made.  She hadn't acted offended at all, and at the time of our conversation no warning bells went off to signal that I had just put my foot in my mouth.  I debated whether or not to bring it up.  Might I only make it worse?  I knew I shouldn't worry about one sentence uttered over a period of hours, yet I finally sent an email telling her I didn't mean to be offensive, to which she responded with surprise, because she wasn't upset at all, and in fact agreed with what I had said.

The Duck Man asks his question as he sniffs under his arm pits, and from my memory he emphasizes a long "o" in offend.  In fact, he emphasizes the whole word.  His attitude suggests that it is the person offended by him who really has the problem.

I think that those of us who have suffered the effects of alcoholism (or other mental/emotional/spiritual disorders), whether being the primary sufferer or the loved one of that person, may become fearful, even paranoid, that something about us stinks.  A person once tried to convince me of both my friendlessness and my husband's.  She had a problem with me, and as proof of something being inherently wrong with me, she brought others into the mix.  She gave one particular name, a long time, close friend of mine, so I asked my friend point blank if it was true.  While my friend had been concerned about me because of problems I was experiencing with the active alcoholism of a loved one, she did not have any personal issue with me, and in fact felt good about our friendship.  We all have bouts of being difficult for others, but that doesn't mean we are in need of radical intervention.

Now we can see that the instigator of this situation put my friend in an awkward position.  Whatever my friend had said, she did not expect her expression of concern for me to be used in a personal attack.  At any rate, I started to assume that people would not like me or want to be my friend because of my figurative "bad odor".  This was a reaction that piggy-backed the fear I had already experienced that people would keep a distance if they knew about my alcoholic situation. I had felt isolated from others by my personal hell--that is the nature of the effects of this disease.  I realize today that the person who found me so offensive was deep in her own pain and distress and was taking it out on me, maybe even projecting her own feelings of friendlessness.  I do not feel resentful, but gosh, wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to undergo such pain?  That wouldn't be real life though, and no one is exempt from suffering.  No one "deserves" perpetual happiness.

I share this story because I realize that I am still affected by these past events in the present.  I am still reacting to this experience and other times when I have been the recipient of unkindness and the withholding of grace.  But since I know how hurtful such attacks can be, I can be more sensitive and kind to others.  I can hold my tongue when I am feeling very emotional.  I can talk to my husband first or a sane friend whose opinion I trust.  Without being overly self-conscious in dealings with others, I can avoid being unnecessarily inflammatory, while at the same time upholding the dignity of my thoughts, wisdom, experience, and feelings.  I can learn how not to act, because I know the extent of the damage of an ill-timed or caustic remark.  I can feel the residual hurt without holding onto it.  I can choose Love. This is of course the ideal situation to aim for, though it is progress, not perfection, that we can expect. We may still fall short of the mark when push comes to shove.

In a way I can't explain, my journey to the Catholic Church is returning me to my authentic personality.  Having a clearer foundation in the Truth as my touchstone, I feel stronger in expressing my opinions and ideas.  My confidence is coming back.  I used to be bold and fearless, and these attributes are resurfacing.  But I also have deeper humility and compassion than I did when I was a younger woman who had a hard time admitting that the other person could be right, that I could be wrong, or that we could both be right about some things and wrong about others.  I feel that now I can stand up for myself, for a belief or a cause, and not walk on eggshells.  I can also do it with more finesse, without such a sharp edge.  Yet there still seems to be that devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear and poking me with his worrywart pitchfork.

The truth is, I have offended people.  Is there anyone who hasn't?  Okay, maybe Mother Mary.  No, she offends people, too.  Jesus really offended people.  Honestly, it kills me when I know I have hurt someone's feelings.  And I don't intend to be offensive and am usually surprised when I get that reaction.  I don't see it coming.  Someone has misunderstood my words, my intentions, my tone of voice, or my meaning.  Sometimes I have not been clear and could have worded my thoughts better.  I think some people simply like being offended.  In college and my early twenties, I sometimes liked to be offended by my boyfriends so I could pick a fight when I was bored with them.  And when they told me I was being overly sensitive, I could be doubly offended!  So I know it's true; some people wallow in deeply offended feelings.

The problem is that you can't possibly know what will offend some people.  There are those offended by dirty jokes, curse words, and the plumber's butt crack.  These might seem to be universally offensive things, but some people love that stuff.  I know a guy who is offended by fat people.  Some are offended by the mention of Jesus, or the voice of President Obama, or commercials for Viagra.  I personally harbor a prejudice against white trash.  Which I guess is racist, too, even though I'm white.  Cigarette butts on the sidewalk in front of a neighbor's house offend me.  But that is my choice to be offended, not the fault of the smoker who has very bad, hillbilly habits.

So my conclusion is that as long as I don't intend to be offensive, then I just can't be overly concerned with how another person might take me.  I think that's why I am so annoyed by the current "just sayin' " trend in which people tack on that phrase to be passive-aggressive, or when they are aware that they are being intentionally offensive but want to cover their behinds.  Either speak your mind or keep it to yourself!  This half-assed, "just sayin' " nonsense offends my sensibilities.  I'm just so sensitive!!

But what do I care if people are wishy-washy Charlie Browns? That's their business.  And it's none of my business what people think of me.  No one should be telling me what someone else said about me (unless it is nice, of course!).  If someone has a problem with me, and he behaves like an adult, he will bring it to my attention himself.  And then I can make amends if necessary and clear up any misunderstanding, or hash out a disagreement, unpleasant as that may be.  It's like our culture is trapped in a long, extended adolescence, and no one teaches that you shouldn't gossip anymore.  Everyone used to know that gossiping was evil.  Now it's the status quo, especially on Facebook.  So is being just plain mean. 

The moral of the story is that I should not have worried that my friend was offended.  If she had been, she would have come to me with it.  And if a friend or relative is offended but does not bring it to my attention, then that may be a friendship I could do without.  Likewise with the person who brings his concern to me wearing war paint and assuming that I had sinister intentions, giving me no benefit of the doubt.  On the other hand, if we know we have been hurtful, then it is our responsibility to own our part in the problem like grown ups.  Sure, the real me may lose some friends along the way.  But she will most likely gain other, and better, companions.  The true blue ones stick around, while the fair weathers are blown about by every wind and will sale off in a ship of their own making.  The circle I have around me will eventually all be Real Rabbits, the more I allow myself to be one. We can love the person who gave us the bad record playing over in our minds even as we throw away the record.  Admit that the record is scratched beyond use and skips endlessly in the same place and just bury it in the ground of Grace.

The Velveteen Rabbit

The Nature of Guilt

Unhealthy guilt lets us wallow in our emotions, self-hatred, get depressed. We indulge these feelings as a substitute for making concrete resolutions and taking steps to change our behavior. Guilt, then, can be useful, but it should lead to action and then be let go of.

— from When a Teen Chooses You


 As I have mentioned before, it would bother me when I would hear alcoholics talk about avoiding guilt, shame and remorse at all costs, as it would only lead to more drinking. It seems like a qualification is needed between healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt. Like physical pain that tells us that there is something wrong in our bodies, guilt can let us know when we have done something morally wrong or something to hurt ourselves or others. It is a signal to stop, look, and listen. Why do we feel guilty? What actions do we need to take to remedy the situation? Then we can make amends to God, to ourselves, and to others.

Unhealthy guilt includes taking responsibility for a problem you did not cause. We Al-Anons, and some alcoholics as well, can have the tendency to be hyper-vigilant caretakers and end up wallowing in worry and obsession. We may have a generalized sense of guilt just for being, as if we are not worthy of unconditional love just as we are. It may seem that no matter how hard we try, something always goes wrong. In this case, the action we need to take may be detachment from certain people or situations, as well as increased use of the tools of prayer, meditation, contemplation, and scripture reading. We need to attend Mass and partake of the Eucharist. We must take care of ourselves and our own business.

Whatever the cause of guilt, it should be faced honestly and squarely, assessed, and dealt with appropriately. When we have done what we can to make any necessary reparation, then we must let it go. The alcoholic, then, should not avoid the guilt he or she feels, for example, as the result of the behaviors displayed during a relapse. It can't just be swept under the rug. Alcoholic drinking always causes a problem for the alcoholic and those around him, and amends therefore must be made to himself and those he harms. The friend or family member of the alcoholic, likewise, may need to make amends for the reaction he has to the relapse, such as screaming, verbal abuse, or other inappropriate behaviors.

Feeling guilt, shame and remorse may be a healthy reaction, telling us that we have lost our connection with God and need to get our lives back on track. It is the wallowing in guilt that signals narcissistic self-pity. Instead, we must be open to receive God's grace and forgiveness. But to receive, we must first ask. Guilt can humble us back into alignment with the will of God.

Taking Inventory

In Al-Anon members are often warned not to "take someone else's inventory." This is a reference to Step 4, in which we make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. There are various ways to accomplish this, including a Step 4 booklet. Another way is to list all of one's favorable characteristics and accomplishments, as well as one's defects of character and mistakes. The inventory is to be balanced between the good and the bad. This is a valuable practice, since we often neglect to acknowledge our strengths and to be honest with ourselves about our weaknesses. But today I question how accurately we can take our own inventory without a moral yardstick. What are we measuring the "good" and the "bad" against? If Jesus isn't the yardstick, then the practice will be questionable at best.

Also, who am I to judge? Looked at in different ways, a personality trait could be labeled either as, say,  leadership skills or bossiness, depending on who is doing the observing, and depending on the situation. The Army captain may be bossy, but if he is yelling at a soldier in order to avoid a bomb, the failure of the soldier to obey may result in his death. Rather than trying to rid oneself of a "defect of character", perhaps the better goal is to transform any trait so that it best serves God. A person with anger issues could learn to channel that energy into fighting an evil, such as social injustice, war or abortion. God can use us just as we are.

Taking another person's inventory is a seductive prospect. God has clearly cast himself as the only judge. Only He knows someone's heart. Yet He does want us to take action to protect the weak and bring people to Him. We do not see suspicious bruises on a child and turn our eyes away. We do not ignore hate crimes, political corruption, or the destruction of the environment. God has given us the task of stewardship, and we must take it seriously. We are required to forgive and to not take into account a wrong suffered. At the same time, our relationships may have to change if we are to keep ourselves and our families from harm, and in order to live a holy life. When we continue to pray and to turn our struggles and suffering over to the care of God, we will be led in the right direction. It is okay to not take action for a time, to patiently wait for God to reveal the next right thing.

If someone is taking your inventory, be aware that you are being asked to get back on the merry-go-round. You can tell this is happening if the person is not putting grace first. They may be right, they may have a good point to make. You may, indeed, have done or said something hurtful. If that is the case, take time to consider what the person has said, and make amends as need be. If you have a complaint against your brother or sister, pray first, and then speak your peace with grace. If you are neither giving nor receiving grace, then the conversation needs to be set aside for another time, lest more harm be done.

This leads me to a consideration of grace. Just what is this mysterious thing, and how does it work? That is a topic soon to come...

Working through Suffering

It is important to accept suffering as a part of life. It is also necessary to work through suffering so you don't become immobilized and stay in a place of intense pain to the point of crushing your spirit. Jesus does not create suffering; He does not intentionally put obstacles in our path to trip us up. I have read Christian authors who claim that He does, but that is not the teaching of the Catholic Church. God does, however, use suffering for our spiritual growth in wisdom. Recovery depends upon openly receiving God's grace and healing, and you may need to get yourself some outside help as well. Though I have warned of some of the pitfalls of 12 Step groups, one thing you will at the very least find in Al-Anon or Families Anonymous, for example, are other people going through similar problems. It is a great relief to discover that you really aren't the only one living with or affected by alcoholism.

Our Lady of Sorrows

It should be noted that alcoholism does not exist on its own in many cases. You may additionally be dealing with sinful behaviors and other disorders, such as pornography or sex addiction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder (manic-depressive), schizophrenia, clinical depression, compulsive gambling, or any number of other issues. Alcoholism is challenging enough by itself, but add any of these other afflictions, and you are living in nothing less than a tornado. Even from a long distance, such disturbances in a family member can be overwhelming.

It is also easy to become isolated. Rachel (not her real name) was afraid to tell her friends about her husband's drinking problem because they couldn't relate, and she was worried they wouldn't want to bring their children over to her house to play. To avoid such isolation, finding a therapist who has training in addiction (and preferably has a Catholic perspective), or a clergyman, spiritual director, or spiritual community (even a yoga class!) of some sort is imperative to working through one's suffering. Even just talking to a trusted friend who has a normal life and is nonjudgmental and supportive of you will bring relief. In the rooms of Al-Anon you can hear so many stories of unhealthy situations and ways of life that they may eventually seem normal, or not so bad, when in reality the circumstances are very sick and unacceptable. Do not rely exclusively on 12 Step groups. Spending time with healthy people and seeing examples of families that function well will help you realize that it isn't you who is crazy, but that your circumstances really do need to change.

Rachel was a Christian but did not attend church regularly and had never been Catholic, so she did not have the support of simply belonging to a religious community and the benefit of receiving the sacraments and consistent spiritual teaching. Living with alcoholism or similar disorders can make a person feel as if there is something wrong with him and that other people won't like him. It is no less than a daily, ongoing crisis. Whatever you choose to do, you must somehow break your isolation.

 Ecclesia, Holy Mother Church

A coworker I once had was married to an alcoholic, and she confided to me one day that her husband was so drunk he had peed the bed! An alcoholic in denial will tell you that his behavior isn't that bad. In one case a man went to jail for drinking related offenses and shared a cell with the mayor who was incarcerated on similar charges! Since these things even happen to the mayor, the man reasoned, they must be normal.

You need to have a daily practice of prayer and meditation, attend Mass regularly (even daily when possible), find friends who give you a good example of a holy life, and get professional help if necessary. Fill your life with meaningful activities that bring you joy. And yes, you may sometimes have to separate yourself from situations and people whose treatment of you puts you in serious spiritual and emotional jeopardy. If physical abuse is part of your situation, you must seek resources to get you safely out of harm's way, most especially if children are involved.

The Risen Jesus & Mary Magdalene at the Tomb

You must be willing to work through your suffering so you can come into the light of God's love. Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 days, but he did not stop praying, and he faced his trials and tribulations with the help of the Father. He also did not stay there forever. He died so that we might live, so that we too can be resurrected and have life abundantly. Jesus ultimately overcame suffering, and you need to as well. It is imperative to take good care of yourself, eat well and exercise, and pursue an interest that will fill your well with living water. Next I will cover the necessary step of lamentation. Cry out to God, and He will hear you. Cry to the Blessed Mother, and she will always comfort you and pray for you.

Recovery through Grace

I am doubting today whether the world needs yet another 12 Step program. The initial name for this blog was "Catholic Twelve Step Program," but I have changed it to "Paths of Grace". Yesterday I wrote that a restoration of sanctifying grace is what would most help both those seeking recovery from addiction and their loved ones. I don't know exactly what kind of "program" might come out of following such a path. A Catholic could certainly apply his faith to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and its affiliated groups, being aware that the program is one of spiritual indifferentism. But there are issues with the content of the steps themselves, and that's what I want to begin to explore.

God is certainly integral to the 12 Steps, albeit in no particular form. But the worship of God is absent. Now, the AA or Al-Anon 12 Step program should not be a worship service. The doors are open to people of any religion or none, and the groups follow no religious creed. A Catholic would need to incorporate worship into his program privately and by attending Mass. "Paths to Grace," the name by which I will refer to my program for now, would of course incorporate worship.

To my way of thinking, the release of a person from the bondage of addiction (or obsessive thinking and emotional disturbance, in the case of the loved ones) must be perceived as a sort of salvation. This is achieved through God's grace by a living faith working in love. One actively participates in an ongoing renewal of faith, guided in his thoughts and behaviors by the indwelling Holy Spirit. He or she is, in short, made holy. It is sanctifying grace that one needs to achieve permanent sobriety and emotional, psychological, and spiritual wholeness. Worship of God is integral to this salvation. This goes way beyond Step 11, which is seeking conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation, "praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out." Is that all we should be praying for? What about other people, the sick and poor, our leaders, our children, widows? What about our threatened environment and God's other creatures? What about praying for peace and morality and the value of all life? It's not all about you or me. We need to get outside ourselves.

The 12 Steps culminate in experiencing a "spiritual awakening" as the result of these steps. So the 12th step is not really a step at all, but the hoped for culmination of the first eleven. A spiritual awakening is not something a person can do. Rather, it is a mystical experience resulting from a transcendent unity with God that is sometimes ecstatic. Not everyone has such experiences. Smaller "ah" moments, where something clicks, a light bulb goes on, so to speak, are more common for most people. Something is illuminated; a moment of clarity is achieved. Then what? Typically you do the steps over and over, going deeper as you come back to them. Then what? The common wisdom is that you practice them, and regularly attend meetings, forever.  Some members' whole lives are centered around the program. It takes up an inordinate amount of time, and the fear of relapse (even for the nonalcoholic loved one, in his own way) and subsequent threat of insanity and/or death, is always hanging over one's head. The idea of powerlessness prevails, and the addict can never live a normal life without the program. But I will expand upon all that at another time.

A possible, alternative support group model might be built on something like the breastfeeding circle I attended when I lived in Columbus. A lactation consultant presided over the meeting, but mostly she was just available to answer questions and offer her expertise on whatever topics came up. Mostly the mothers shared their knowledge, advice, wisdom, experience, and support with each other in an informal way. You could go to meetings whenever you wanted. When you were done breastfeeding, you stopped going. Perhaps a Catholic spiritual director could preside over Paths of Grace meetings in a similar way.

There could also be literature available for other relevant resources, such as treatment centers, doctors, psychiatrists and therapists who would work cooperatively with the group. The approach would be more holistic, preparing a person to live a life of wholeness and permanent sobriety (and permanent abstinence may not be necessary in every case). Basic concepts could be written to guide people to recovery from a Catholic perspective, incorporating the sacraments of the Church. A daily reader, or meditation book, on how to cope with particular emotions and situations could be available. The group would not be alone. Another thing missing from AA and similar groups is the equivalent of a magisterium, or teaching office, to interpret the program, with authority regarding how it is practiced. This results in all sorts of problems, some of which I have previously covered and will continue to explore. (It has been suggested that such an authoritative office would destroy AA, so we will leave it alone and seek another path.)

My sincere hope is that in my re-evaluation of the 12 Steps, together with my continued exploration of Catholicism, the teachings of the Church may provide what is missing for those living in the hell of active addiction, as well as for those families and friends affected by such disorders.