New Beginnings

 The Ascension

Happy New Year! I realize I have not been posting here often, and I suppose that is a good sign in regard to my recovery. It is a testimony to how much the Church has helped me to heal from the effects of alcoholism, depression, and mental illness in family members and friends. Interestingly, I find myself strangely not being the object of toxic attacks. Perhaps this is because my aura has changed. I have ceased putting out the signal that I need someone else's approval. I think that if you project the need to be rid of something, and especially if you pray often for it, God gives you more opportunities to fortify your will in accordance with His, to strengthen your faith by allowing adversity to be an answer to prayer. Yes, God does indeed work in mysterious ways! The other side of the coin is that I may be easier to be around, as I become more relaxed in the intense changes that my conversion has brought about. Hopefully I radiate peace, so peace is what I attract.

For example, I was in the presence last night of a person I try not to be around because of his surly disposition. I have in the past been emotionally harmed by him and left feeling very unbalanced. But he talked about the physical pain that he is never free from. Not by virtue of trying to complain about it, but simply that it is a cross he has born for so long that he seems to have come to a state of acceptance about it. Most days it isn't too bad, but sometimes it is terrible, and he lives with it. Who wouldn't be often grouchy in such a situation? He had a softness about him that showed me who he really is under the pain and suffering--a wounded child of God. He is a man of faith, but I couldn't help wishing that he had the Catholic Church to help him on his path to healing. What comfort the Eucharist might bring him, what help might be had by the intercession of the saints. A simple Catholic phrase like, "Offer it up" contains deep, spiritual wisdom. But the most appropriate thing to do in this situation was simply to provide a listening ear and a compassionate heart. It takes courage to share one's suffering. And naturally I will be praying a Rosary for the intention of his healing!

This is a good point of departure for contemplating new beginnings for the New Year. How can we be more understanding and compassionate? How can we let go of the tendency toward judgment and criticism? Most importantly, in what ways can we draw closer to our Lord? Once I have entered into full communion with the Church at the Easter Vigil, I plan to make an act of consecration to Jesus through Mary. Happily, I feel that I have forgiven the trespasses of others, but the sacrament of Confession will keep me taking honest inventory of myself, being sure to forgive myself and others before partaking of Holy Communion. It has been very difficult for me to experience the delay of receiving these sacraments, but I will have my first penance tomorrow! The new year is an opportunity for a clean slate, so make a plan, but realize that you can't go it alone; you need divine assistance. And the plan needs to be flexible, so that you can re-evaluate where you are on the path of your spiritual journey and make adjustments as need be. This is not the time for white-knuckle resolutions, but for contemplation followed by works inspired by the Holy Spirit. Let your motto be "One Day at a Time in 2013".

Dealing with the Peanut Gallery (a Depression Issue Update)

The most viewed post of this blog, by far, is titled "Depression in a Loved One."  This tells me that in the land of recovery, depression is a hot button topic. Yet when I wrote it, I had no idea how extremely hot. It all began when I did an internet search for advice on how to help loved ones suffering from grief and depression. A number of people I am close to have experienced loss, grief, and heartbreak in relatively recent times, as well as serious health problems and mental/emotional issues. The link between alcoholism/addiction and depression and mental illness is strong. In fact, a friend of mine who works at a rehabilitation facility told me that there is only one addict patient there who is not also mentally ill (keep in mind, however, that this is only the case in one treatment center; I do not know the statistics across the board). In my reading I came across research establishing the contagious nature of depression (like a psychological sneeze), and I noted the similarity between those cases and the conventional wisdom that alcoholism becomes a "family disease."

Problems with friends and family members in the areas of addiction, depression, and mental illness were not only recent. I reflected on instances going more than 20 years back, and suddenly so many things began to make sense. I realized I had been affected not only by the alcoholism of people close to me, but by their issues with depression and mental illness as well. Having put such a significant piece into the puzzle, naturally I wanted to share it. I use no real names in this blog, nor do I use my own, not even in my profile. I did, however, share the link for "Depression in a Loved One" on my Facebook wall. I share links to other websites, blogs, etc. regularly, so there was no reason to necessarily assume I wrote the post, and I did not invite anyone personally to read it. Nevertheless, and despite the fact that one can send a personal message to Facebook or post comments right here at the blog, instead I received negative responses, some attacking my character quite zealously, directly on my wall. I will call this group the Peanut Gallery, and name them Lucy, Schroeder, and Peppermint Patty (all are related by blood or marriage).

 Peanuts cartoon by Charles Schultz

Call me Marcie. Marcie wrote her book report in her typical, literary nerd type way, completely unaware that she had hidden, evil intentions. But Lucy was deeply offended, Schroeder started banging hard on his keyboard with steam coming out of his ears, and worst of all, Peppermint Patty loudly accused Marcie of writing mean things about Sally. Now, this a report about recovery, and Marcie obviously was striving for some semblance of anonymity, but Peppermint Patty blew the chances of that all to hell right on Facebook.

Now, the fact of the matter is that the report was not specifically about Sally or anyone else. Marcie used a composite character name to describe her experiences with many people over the course of decades. Most specifically the composite character reflected the case of a large percentage of people Marcie had heard speak at Al-Anon meetings, people depressed and disturbed by the drinking/addiction of their children, who were in their teens and twenties. It additionally reflected various family members and friends of Marcie, including her own husband, who did not assume it had anything to do with him at all and was in no way offended by it. It included Marcie herself, who was also not offended by this report apparently written by her sinister doppelganger while she was sleeping (or at least she began to grow paranoid and wonder...)

Linus also read the report and became so vicious as a result that Marcie feared for the safety of herself and her family, and now Marcie's husband will not allow Linus to visit their home. Peppermint Patty told Marcie that someone else told her she just had to read Marcie's report. I can't help but think of rich women with servants in the 1960s who had nothing better to do than play bridge all afternoon and gossip (see the movie, The Help). I have no idea who passed the report on to Sally, who is very sensitive and who the family knew was in an intense state of grief, or to Linus, who though usually a sweet, loving person, is easily set off (both are also family members). How can the Peanut Gallery claim to care for these people yet intentionally point their attention to something they thought would be very hurtful? But Marcie, says the Peanut Gallery, if you wouldn't have written your book report and tried to be "helpful" in the first place... Yes, just call me Charlie Brown. What a stupid Christmas tree I chose, indeed!

But wait, the merry-go-round is still spinning! Because of the damage done by all the large nuts thrown at my head, I have no desire to host the family Christmas party or other gatherings of the whole clan. This would be no big deal except that the main reason I started doing this was to take the burden off my grandmother. She is worn out by health issues and her age and does not need to be frantically cleaning her home and preparing a bunch of food. She is happy to do it, of course, but it is better if she doesn't have to. Only one other family member ever hosts for the holidays, and that is not often, so since I have the large home to accomodate a lot of people and I enjoy having parties, I do it.  Now that I feel so alienated, I do not wish to do it this year, so who will take the burden from Grandma? Well, Christmas is still far away, and we should not worry about tomorrow.  The pertinent point is to expose just how far the effects of those flying nuts can reach, and what terrible bruises they leave.

Whoever read Marcie's report first might have called Marcie on the phone to talk over his or her concerns. To get some more information. To discover Marcie's real intentions. The bottom line of the report, after all, was about becoming more aware of the source of relationship difficulties and therefore to respond with deeper understanding and compassion, both for oneself and for others. And to avoid being hurt by the effects of the depression (some of which can be irrational thoughts, unhealthy behaviors, and disproportionate anger) of a loved one and its contagious nature. The tendency, unfortunately, among those affected by alcoholism/depression/mental illness is to be reactionary. They (myself included) feel compelled to respond immediately, without taking a deep breath, without waiting for the initial heat of emotion to disperse and then to attempt to objectively evaluate the situation. Technology makes this bad habit of reaction too easy, and you can't burn the letter after you write it. In the case of Marcie's report, she was not feeling angry or resentful and so felt safe in sharing her experiences. That was evidently a foul ball regardless. Caryll Houselander's spiritual classic, The Reed of God, has shed some new light on these things for me. She writes:

"People who will not compromise with Christ's values are uncomfortable neighbors for mediocrity; they are likely to be misunderstood; they are often hated...In the world in which we live today, the great understanding given by the Spirit of Wisdom must involve us in a lot of suffering. We shall be obliged to see the wound that sin has inflicted on the people of the world...And in proportion to our understanding we are likely to be misunderstood...But if the misunderstanding of the world outside our homes can afflict us, it is nothing compared with the misunderstanding of those who are very dear to us (and this is so frequent that it is almost inevitable)...Even the presence of Christ in us does not do away with our own clumsiness, blindness, stupidity; indeed, sometimes because of our limitations, His light is a blinding light to us and we become, for a time, more dense than before. We shall still be irritable, still make mistakes, and still very likely be unaware of how exasperating we are."

Marcie, for her part, went back to edit her report for greater clarity, to hopefully affect the tone and intention that she was seeking, and removed the composite character's name entirely. She informed the Peanut Gallery of her honest efforts to alleviate their misunderstanding and concern. The damage done to Sally and Linus is done. They fed off the Gallery's peanuts and thought the worst of Marcie too. I think that it would behoove all of the characters in this story to extend a heaping spoon of Grace to one another and each to drink deeply from the cup of humility. Otherwise the devil wins.

"I Understand That's How You Feel"

The title of this post is one of those tools used in Al-Anon for situations in which there is conflict one wishes to diffuse. You can tell the conversation is going nowhere good, or the argument is escalating. Often a person just wants to have his or her feelings validated. To avoid assigning blame, or allowing oneself to be verbally attacked, a phrase such as, "I understand that's how you feel" may take the heat out of the argument. I was so happy when a boyfriend who had once been in the Al-Anon program said this to me when I was upset about something. I thought, finally, a guy who understands how I feel! It is no fun when someone tries to talk you out of your feelings, or tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way. So it would seem that this would be an effective response in a sticky conversation.

Except when it doesn't work. Recently a family member brought up a situation from 2010 in which she did not feel I had handled a problem well enough. Right away there is a red flag if past issues are being brought up, clouding the current issue, which should be the only one receiving attention. My effort to validate her feelings with I understand that's how you feel was rejected. Now not only was a minor problem dug back up from a year and a half ago, but I was then accused of using this Al-Anon tool as a way of not admitting I had done something wrong. She also refused to consider her part in the problem, circumstances which certainly magnified the situation for her.

If someone won't allow you to use your recovery tools, what do you do? I don't know. I did say I was sorry that the problem had occurred, but in hindsight, I might have refused to discuss something that has already been discussed and needs to be let go. At the root of much conflict are expectations. I did not meet this person's expectations that day in 2010. My response, "I understand that's how you feel," did not meet her expectations. And that is none of my business.

What I wish to do is to blog here every day, or most days at least, for awhile. See what solutions come to mind, and as an outlet for my feelings and frustrations. Sometimes what I write here does not meet the expectations of other people. They will even tell me what I should and should not write about. That is another big issue--control. Interestingly, every person who has voiced an objection is either an alcoholic (and/or depressed or mentally ill), is married to one or related in another close way, or both. Perhaps the topics hit too close to home. Ironically, the reactions I have gotten rather prove the points I am trying to make. The reader just may not get what I am attempting to discuss, or misunderstands my intentions, assuming the worst. Assume makes an ass out of u and me. And anger is spread around like a cloud of smoke, suffocating us all, and hurt builds upon hurt.

I really can't win. I can't just write about my life. My life. Or a topic of interest to me. Or express my opinion. And that's my point. No one wins in this toxic game of Who's On First. The need to control, or to be offended, or to assign blame is just too strong. When I read something I don't like, I just quit reading it. I don't show it to someone else and try to stir up trouble. I just figure it isn't any of my business and go on with my life. I wish others would do the same, but I have to accept that they are where they are in their spiritual growth, and I am where I am. To live and let live is a difficult art to master.

I have sometimes responded by editing my posts, or trying to clarify my intentions to these people. In other words, I have allowed the alcoholic/mentally ill/depressed person to pull my strings, the very thing from which I am trying to recover! Really, if these folks read this blog without knowing who wrote it, I doubt they would be offended at all. It seems to never be considered that I may be right about anything.

Well, I am done. I am writing what I write. It's time to get off the merry-go-round. It's time to stop having the crazy making conversations. It's time to stop allowing others to insist that I admit to doing/saying/thinking/feeling something wrong. My hope is that as I get better, others will get better, and what I write here will help someone else. That has been my only intention all along.

Alcoholic Family Roles

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/adult-children-addicted-alcoholic-parents/168187-roles-alcoholic-family.html

When I was a senior in high school, a sibling was identified as an alcoholic, and the rest of the family received counseling at the treatment center. The roles each family member takes on were explained, and the above link gives a detailed explanation of each of these roles. These roles occur as coping strategies in a dysfunctional family. At that time I fit the description of the "hero" perfectly. Often this is the oldest child (like me) who sees more clearly than other members the problem that is going on in the family. The hero excels in academics, sports, music, etc..., which makes the family look good and deflects attention from the problem of alcoholism. See, we aren't that bad--look at this other perfect child! And perfectionism, often leading to workaholism, becomes a characteristic of this hero child. The hero follows all the rules, obeys the status quo. As an adult, the hero may distance himself from the family and look elsewhere for the approval he did not receive in his family of origin. The hero only received approval for his accomplishments, not for just being himself. 

 Wonder Woman

The "scapegoat", on the other hand, deflects attention from the alcoholism by getting into other kinds of trouble. According to the above article, alcohol is not identified as an issue; often, the scapegoat is identified as the problem. These roles can continue into adulthood, and it can be very difficult to break these patterns. Other family members may desire that you stay in your role. I broke the status quo by doing things my own way, dancing to the beat of my own drum. While I obeyed the law, achieved higher education as well as schooling for a technical skill, got married, stayed married, and had my child in wedlock, I didn't follow certain expectations, or make decisions others agreed with. I am still the "hero" in that I am more acutely aware that certain situations are unacceptable, dysfunctional, or just not within the realm of a healthy normalcy. I am honest in my feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Others would rather sweep any unpleasantness under the rug. Or the opposite--never let any of my alleged offenses go. So the halo got crooked, then fell off, and my role became more as the scapegoat. And over and over, I get sucked in.

Whether it is alcoholism, drug abuse, clinical depression, or mental illness in your family, it helps to make sense of one's situation by understanding the role one has been assigned. Are you still trapped in it? If you have tried to get off the merry-go-round, do others insist that you stay in your role--or else? Or else rejection, disapproval, criticism, and judgment? If you change, others are forced to change their relationship with you, and that makes people uncomfortable. Even if the alcoholic gets sober or you no longer live with the dysfunctional situation, the family dynamics may not have been allowed to change, heal and improve. It seems that each time I think progress is being made, a new version of the same old stuff raises its ugly head. Perhaps timing is part of the problem. If a member grows up and leaves for college, gets married and moves away, or something like that, his family of origin may not be able to relate to him as the adult he then becomes. They still see him as he was at 18 or whenever the separation occurred. His family doesn't really know or understand the person he is today, and he unconsciously may revert to his previous position in the family, stuck like a skip in a vinyl record album. Or perhaps just because he lives far away, he may be an easy scapegoat for problems occurring at the home base.

"Everything beautiful is the Lord," a wise old woman once told me. If it's ugly, it isn't the Lord. It's the other guy doing his secret evil to drag you to hell. Just don't go there. It's time for a radical shift, and I am the only one who can make it happen for me (super hero cape or not)!

Working through Suffering

It is important to accept suffering as a part of life. It is also necessary to work through suffering so you don't become immobilized and stay in a place of intense pain to the point of crushing your spirit. Jesus does not create suffering; He does not intentionally put obstacles in our path to trip us up. I have read Christian authors who claim that He does, but that is not the teaching of the Catholic Church. God does, however, use suffering for our spiritual growth in wisdom. Recovery depends upon openly receiving God's grace and healing, and you may need to get yourself some outside help as well. Though I have warned of some of the pitfalls of 12 Step groups, one thing you will at the very least find in Al-Anon or Families Anonymous, for example, are other people going through similar problems. It is a great relief to discover that you really aren't the only one living with or affected by alcoholism.

Our Lady of Sorrows

It should be noted that alcoholism does not exist on its own in many cases. You may additionally be dealing with sinful behaviors and other disorders, such as pornography or sex addiction, obsessive-compulsive disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder (manic-depressive), schizophrenia, clinical depression, compulsive gambling, or any number of other issues. Alcoholism is challenging enough by itself, but add any of these other afflictions, and you are living in nothing less than a tornado. Even from a long distance, such disturbances in a family member can be overwhelming.

It is also easy to become isolated. Rachel (not her real name) was afraid to tell her friends about her husband's drinking problem because they couldn't relate, and she was worried they wouldn't want to bring their children over to her house to play. To avoid such isolation, finding a therapist who has training in addiction (and preferably has a Catholic perspective), or a clergyman, spiritual director, or spiritual community (even a yoga class!) of some sort is imperative to working through one's suffering. Even just talking to a trusted friend who has a normal life and is nonjudgmental and supportive of you will bring relief. In the rooms of Al-Anon you can hear so many stories of unhealthy situations and ways of life that they may eventually seem normal, or not so bad, when in reality the circumstances are very sick and unacceptable. Do not rely exclusively on 12 Step groups. Spending time with healthy people and seeing examples of families that function well will help you realize that it isn't you who is crazy, but that your circumstances really do need to change.

Rachel was a Christian but did not attend church regularly and had never been Catholic, so she did not have the support of simply belonging to a religious community and the benefit of receiving the sacraments and consistent spiritual teaching. Living with alcoholism or similar disorders can make a person feel as if there is something wrong with him and that other people won't like him. It is no less than a daily, ongoing crisis. Whatever you choose to do, you must somehow break your isolation.

 Ecclesia, Holy Mother Church

A coworker I once had was married to an alcoholic, and she confided to me one day that her husband was so drunk he had peed the bed! An alcoholic in denial will tell you that his behavior isn't that bad. In one case a man went to jail for drinking related offenses and shared a cell with the mayor who was incarcerated on similar charges! Since these things even happen to the mayor, the man reasoned, they must be normal.

You need to have a daily practice of prayer and meditation, attend Mass regularly (even daily when possible), find friends who give you a good example of a holy life, and get professional help if necessary. Fill your life with meaningful activities that bring you joy. And yes, you may sometimes have to separate yourself from situations and people whose treatment of you puts you in serious spiritual and emotional jeopardy. If physical abuse is part of your situation, you must seek resources to get you safely out of harm's way, most especially if children are involved.

The Risen Jesus & Mary Magdalene at the Tomb

You must be willing to work through your suffering so you can come into the light of God's love. Jesus went into the wilderness for 40 days, but he did not stop praying, and he faced his trials and tribulations with the help of the Father. He also did not stay there forever. He died so that we might live, so that we too can be resurrected and have life abundantly. Jesus ultimately overcame suffering, and you need to as well. It is imperative to take good care of yourself, eat well and exercise, and pursue an interest that will fill your well with living water. Next I will cover the necessary step of lamentation. Cry out to God, and He will hear you. Cry to the Blessed Mother, and she will always comfort you and pray for you.