Not Any of My Business?

art by Sheila Diemert

It has been years since I've written in this blog, and I had actually forgotten all about it! I think what triggered my memory was a recent conversation with someone who said to me, "That's none of your business." The person in question is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I encountered this phrase when I was active in Al-Anon. I found it very freeing to consider that if something was none of my business, I didn't have to do anything about it! I could just set my worry aside and go on with my life. 

But when this particular person says this to me, which he occasionally does, he's missing a vital consideration. It's none of his business to decide what is or is not anyone else's business! I once had an Al-Anon sponsor who was also in AA, and she used, "That's none of your business" as a pat answer to some of the concerns I brought to her for help. Again, there was something truly liberating about that. And I'm sure her intention as my sponsor was to help me to sort out what was and wasn't my concern. Yet she also referred to her sponsees as her "babies." I always thought that was just, yuck. And I still do. 

A better approach if you want to help someone with discernment regarding what is one's "stuff" to own and what is the possession of another, would be to simply and humbly ask, "Do you think that's truly your business, or do think that's something you can't control or change?" Because ultimately, a healthy person has to sort those boundaries for himself, and it's a disservice to categorically decide for someone else what does and doesn't constitute his or her business. Merely stating as a pat response, that's none of your business, doesn't strike me as an honest effort to listen to and support the other's feelings in a heartfelt way. It isn't taking the time to guide a soul in pain or anxiety to a place of peace and right thinking. 

I set a boundary the last time this easy-out, insensitive statement was made, by pointing out very assertively (maybe too assertively) that he wasn't in charge of deciding for me what is or isn't my business. Unfortunately, I also attacked AA as a fake religion, and I realize this was uncharitable. But I went on to explain that the 12 Steps are clearly based upon Catholicism with certain changes, and that I see the dangers in the "twist" the 12 Step programs put on the Truth of Christianity and the sacraments established by Jesus and his Church. 

For example, the 12 Step tradition of having a sponsor comes from the Catholic tradition of working with a spiritual director. Catholic spiritual directors are specially trained to perform this service. In the case of a program like AA, members might share at meetings if they are available to be a sponsor, and those needing a sponsor choose someone to ask. Being a sponsor is a huge responsibility, yet anyone can be one. There is no criteria or training for holding this position. A bad sponsor could do great harm, and there is no authoritative body in place to deal with the issues that may arise. I have seen many a soul being misguided by fellow members of 12 Step programs, who sometimes reflect values contrary to the Christian Faith, or even just plainly lack the skills, morals, and wisdom to finesse a delicate situation constituting grave matter. 

And so the Catholic Church continues to help me to see that there is only one place to ultimately seek the Truth. 12 Step groups may be harmful or helpful, and that's not my business to decide for anyone else. As for me, I've found the country where my soul can rest. 

One Day at a Time in Advent

As with everything else in life, we can only prepare for Christmas one day at a time. "One Day at a Time" is one of the main slogans of AA, Al-Anon, and other 12 Step groups. Each of us has the same 24 hours a day, and there is a limit to what we can accomplish in that period of time, especially since we must be sure to sleep at least 7 to 8 hours per night! I need more like 9 to 10 hours to feel properly rested.

Some may wish to hurry up and get Christmas over with. This is a tempting attitude, since for many, especially those dealing with the alcoholism and other dysfunctions of close family members, holiday gatherings are dreaded. Perhaps there is too much drinking and bickering, or old resentments rear their dragon-like heads, or financial strain is especially felt at this time. But to miss out on the spiritual richness of Advent would be a sorrowful state of affairs. The Catholic Church, as usual, provides the way to meaning and wholeness in this special season.

We are no longer in "ordinary time".  It's time now to contemplate the extraordinary, the day when our Savior was born into this world, a divine child suckled at the breast of his human mother, Mary. Pray the Joyful Mysteries of the Rosary and put yourself there in the stable. See the starlight cutting through the darkness and shining upon the baby lying in the manger, asleep on the hay. Imagine the awe of the shepherds visited by an angel who heard the angelic choir ringing out in the night. Behold the gifts of the magi, fit for a king--the King of Kings. Contemplate His humility, His vulnerability, and His reason for coming.

Not officially in this Nativity scene is the little drummer boy of the Rankin-Bass television program. If you can't catch it on TV, check it out on video from your library. It always, without fail, makes me cry. I think it's because the little drummer boy discovers not just the true meaning of Christmas, but of life. He thinks he has no gift to bring, but then he plays his drum for Jesus. This was the boy's purpose in life, to use his musical talent for the glory of God. What gifts has God given you? How well do you use them? This Advent season, make a commitment to use your gifts in alignment with the will of God, to share with others for His honor. This will give your life purpose.

Go to Mass. Light your own Advent candles every Sunday and have dinner with your family by their light each evening. Shop for gifts with bringing joy to the recipient in mind. Eat healthy, and don't overindulge in the sweets. Keep your house picked up, and by all means put up a Christmas tree, even just a small one, and even if you live alone. Decorate your home not just for the holidays, but for winter, making your environment warm and cheerful even on the coldest of days.

Lift the flap on an Advent calendar and read the message with your children every day. My daughter's religious education teacher had the children make a construction paper chain to count down the days till Christmas, and Beezy loves seeing how many days are left. We read the messages and do what they say, such as, "Make popcorn for your family", and she is having a great time following the instructions. Today's message: "Look up at the wonder of the night sky tonight and say thanks to God." Be a kid again, experiencing the wonder of Christmas through the eyes of a child. Establish family traditions. They are worth the effort, and keep them simple. And like my RCIA director said, if whatever you do to prepare for Christmas doesn't bring you closer to Jesus, just don't do it!

The Healing Balm of Truth & Beauty

The natural beauty of the autumn season on a warm, sunny day can hardly be surpassed. Today is such a day, and I am filled with gratitude for the Beauty I have discovered in the Catholic Church. I remember as an English major in college studying the poetry of the Romantics, who capitalized words such as Truth and Beauty. Perhaps this capitalizing of ideals was working in my subconscious and then began to surface as I searched for the right church home for me and my family.  I suspected that the secular idea of finding one's own, personal truth was faulty. "I have to speak my truth," people will say. And even in the sphere of religion this is true, for as Protestant denominations first broke from the Catholic faith, so they have continued to splinter amongst themselves, being defined more by the nature of protest from which the name of Protestant springs, than they are as a beacon of the light of Christ. Even among professing Catholics there is division, as some wish to join the secular parade of self-defined truth. Yet the Church herself cannot error in her official teachings, and she is indeed the last Christian bastion of Truth.

12 Step groups by their nature contain only a portion of the truth, as they by necessity must refrain from proclamations of absolute, God-given Truths. And so while spiritually based, these groups remain secular, and the fullness of healing cannot be found. Help can be found, yes, and there are those wise souls who speak the Truth for others to hear. They are models of faith and charity, and they selflessly share their experience, strength and hope. But perhaps the 12 step groups are like those places in the world that do not know the season of autumn, who have not lived through the physical transformation of color, smell, texture, and sound, the migratory flight of birds, the last call before what looks like death but is only dormancy. Winter is but a dark night of the soul, a waiting place before new life bursts forth from black soil into the light.

Some misunderstand the Truth of Catholicism as a starkness of black and white. They do not understand the both/and nature of the Church; they do not see the in between places where faith grows in stages, where the soul is transformed into a harmony of dazzling color and ineffable Beauty. They ignore the poetry because it is too subtle, too simple, too ordinary to sense the profound depths of the underground river of Life.

Lady Wisdom can be apprehended in the patterns and changing colors of autumn, in the fragrance of burning wood and the crisp air breathed on the night of the harvest moon. She invites us to wake up and taste the cider, put on a costume and dream of who we might be if we only had the courage, if only the wizard really could put valor into our cold, frightened hearts. Imagine for a moment that Beauty is real, and that she can lead you by the hand to Truth. Right here, right now, Love is ours for the asking. Knock, and it will be opened unto you.

The Alcoholic Mind

vision of the universe as an egg inside the womb of God, Hildegard of Bingen

An alcoholic relative said to me, "I don't think you understand the alcoholic mind."  From here I am just going to meditate upon this idea as the thoughts come to me. What is this alcoholic mind of which he speaks? This is a special mind, it is implied, and indeed, AA is built upon this specialness. "We alcoholics," or the self-deprecating, "We drunks..." is foundational to the program and its tome, the Big Book. There is the alcoholic we, who are understood to be all the same in a certain way and are separate from others, those who are not of the we. It is self-will and ego run amok, the program says, the absence of humility that stands in the way of sobriety. And perhaps that is indeed a piece of the puzzle.

Yet is not the overly inflated ego merely the flip side of the coin of low self-esteem? Does the Alcoholics Anonymous program actually unwittingly encourage such grandiosity/self-deprecation? Alcoholics I have known imagine themselves to be unusual geniuses. They have secret meetings, a secret code of language, and secret gods who live in the the alcoholic's personal understanding. Those in the group compose a well insulated circle, and those who have "gone back out," or were never inside it in the first place, are regarded warily.

When I felt left out of the tight circle of a certain alcoholic with his special mind, I joined my own group, Al-Anon, with its own secret meetings, secret language, and secret gods. I might even have had my own, special Al-Anon mind. Beth, a friend of mine in the program, often spoke of being "in my disease." We had our own secret disease too, it seems! We had our secret club that other people couldn't understand because they did not know the language and what it was like to be married, or otherwise closely related, to an alcoholic.

I think that all of this specialness is counterproductive. It imagines that people do not already have as the ground of their being the fact that each of us is made in the image and likeness of God. Only another alcoholic can understand, can help... Really? Other human beings are such foreigners, have such different minds, that they cannot understand simply by virtue of their common humanity?

 Jesus in Mary's womb

I once picked a woman up out of the pouring rain and offered to give her a ride home. She had been waving her arms frantically in the dark. She looked like a normal woman. But she had no home. She was outside working, in the oldest profession. So I brought her to my apartment and discovered she had been wounded, dragged down an alley and raped. Her arm and chest were becoming infected. I drove out to Kroger at a quarter to one in the morning and got first aid supplies to treat and dress her wounds. The next day at the hospital the doctor (who thought I was either very brave or crazy) looked shocked when he took off the bandages and asked, "Who dressed these wounds?" He could do nothing better for them than I had done and just put on fresh coverings. I could not know the depth of this woman's pain, yet my hands held the power to heal her.

The woman's name was Joyce. Her dad had begun to pimp her out when she was 11 years old, and she had a long scar on her belly that she said was from an ice pick. Joyce loved my cat. She looked at fashion magazines with me. We shared a time together as any two women, any two friends with common interests and taste in clothes. She was more alone than I, but still, I too was alone, living by myself with my cat. We both just wanted to be loved and accepted and to feel safe. We both had scars, hers much more horrifying than mine. I gave her a bag of clothes and shoes, and she said, "No one has never been this nice to me." My heart broke indescribably. She was a blessing to me as well. For but by the grace of God go I, I thought to myself. How quickly I could go from living from paycheck to paycheck to being destitute. But I had a good family to help me, and great friends. Was my mind so different from Joyce's? Was my heart?

It is the illusion of separateness, of specialness, that is the problem. If we can stop trying to acquire serenity and believe that God the Holy Spirit desires to live within us; if we can, through contemplation, learn to live from the heart-mind, which is from a deeper place than our transitory thoughts and emotions, then we would know we are all connected. Even those who are not Christians, who are not part of the Body of Christ via the Sacrament of Baptism, are our neighbors. We all come together as the spokes at the center of a wheel, and God is the hub. But we typically live on the outer rim, and we perceive that we are disconnected from one another.

In The Reed of God, Caryll Houselander says that we must learn to see Christ in everyone. Not in some, or in most. Not only in those who seem Christlike, but in everyone, in every single person that we meet. If we do this, then we find in this union that purest actualization of what makes us each a unique expression of humanity. We become more of who we really are, at our root. Our personalities, our so-called "defects of character" do not fall away. But we find ourselves, and God dwelling within us, when we lose ourselves. When we die to ourselves.

St. Paul said it, about there no longer being Jew or Gentile, male or female, etc... but only Christ who is in us. In a similar way, I do not believe that there is any "alcoholic mind" or special "Al-Anon disease" when you get right down to it. There is no "god of my understanding". There is God, and there is Christ in God, and there is me in Christ in God, and there is Christ in me. And we are all in Him, enclosed in his womb, and He is in us.

 from God Picked Me, by Louise A. Andreae

“Beautiful is God, the Word with God … He is beautiful in heaven, beautiful on earth; beautiful in the womb, beautiful in his parents’ arms, beautiful in his miracles, beautiful in his sufferings; beautiful in inviting to life, beautiful in not worrying about death, beautiful in giving up his life and beautiful in taking it up again; he is beautiful on the Cross, beautiful in the tomb, beautiful in heaven. Listen to the song with understanding, and let not the weakness of the flesh distract your eyes from the splendour of his beauty." --St. Augustine

Contemplative Approach to Recovery

This blog was first called "Catholic Twelve Steps" and later, "Paths to Grace".  With a new look and a new name, Garland of Grace Recovery Page, I want to once again pull focus and better define the shape this page is taking. Originally I thought I might draw up a new set of 12 Steps for recovery from a Catholic perspective, but as I have been writing, I have basically set aside that idea altogether. Instead, I have reflected upon what I have learned of Catholic teachings so far and applied that, along with the helpful tools I picked up as a long-time member of Al-Anon, to provide an alternative approach to healing. I have brought out the limitations of programs such as AA and Al-Anon and am proposing that a traditional Catholic way of living the sacramental life holds the fullest possibility of permanent sobriety and restoration of wholeness.

There is still much questioning to be done regarding the assumptions of the 12 Steps and teachings of Alcoholics Anonymous, upon which Al-Anon is based. I feel led now to a contemplative approach to solutions for both the addicts and those loved ones affected by such illnesses as alcoholism (and those conditions sometimes concurrently present, such as mental illness and depression).

Contemplation is defined as a) concentration on spiritual things as a form of devotion, and b) a state of mystical awareness of God's being.  For me, such contemplation ultimately relies upon Marian devotion, the "old school" devotion advocated by St. Louis de Montfort, of the to Jesus through Mary tradition. My personal practice of Catholicism also centers on the contemplation of Holy Wisdom and the wisdom tradition found in the Bible in books such as Proverbs, Job, Sirach, and the Wisdom of Solomon. For the fear of the Lord is the root of Wisdom, and by Wisdom we learn to practice true religion.

In my opinion, the contemplative, sacramental life is the supreme path to joy, wholeness, and a state of divine grace. You can begin simply with a daily time of prayer (the Rosary or reading from a Marian prayer book is helpful) and the reading of passages from the Wisdom books and from the Gospels. Regular attendance at Mass is crucial, and this blog will continue to give a more precise shape to the "Paths to Grace" (I will continue to use this particular name) program as we proceed.

With the help that I receive through the love and wisdom of the Holy Spirit, I hope to use my gift of language, by God's grace, to provide hope and understanding to others, as well as to make better sense of my own experiences. We can't expect an exemption from suffering, but we can learn to unite our sorrows to Jesus on the cross. We may not be able to be happy every moment of every day, whether or not the alcoholic is still drinking. But holiness is our goal, not freedom from pain. To drink of the eternal wellspring of joy daily is possible, while happiness will come and go. We must learn to know the difference. Let us not be satisfied with merely being "spiritual" in the new age way of indifferentism. Let us rather bring back Religion and seek the one, holy and apostolic Truth of the Church founded by our Lord and Savior.

A Religious Approach to Recovery

Twelve step groups such as AA are sometimes criticized for being religious programs. An atheist who joins Alcoholics Anonymous may feel like he is being told that he doesn't have to prescribe to any particular religious beliefs, but at the same time he must believe in some sort of Higher Power, God is intrinsic to the program, and the Lord's Prayer is said at meetings. I want to be clear here that my approach to recovery is not only religious, but is specifically Christian, and Catholic in particular. That is not to say that Protestant Christians or people of other faiths could not apply Paths of Grace to their lives. I just want to clarify what this spiritual path is all about for me.

I'm starting from scratch. I can't say whether any of the 12 Step programs actually help people. The 12 Step program may be a cult, may be its own religion, may or may not contradict the teachings of the Church. My inclination right now is to just push the whole thing aside for a time. I have to find my own voice.

What sets apart a great artist from a bad one, or one who is merely mediocre, is authenticity. A poet learns his craft from the model of other great poets, but eventually he has to write the poem that only he can write. The artist who compromises loses integrity. Trying to please everyone, or relate to all, pleases no one, and no one can relate. Paths to Grace is the practice of Catholicism. It's the understanding that there is the family of origin, and there is the Family of God, and Jesus has clearly commanded that His family comes first. Only the primacy of relationship with Him can heal. That is the thing to work on first. That is where I must start.

In my family of origin, and even in the extended family, my voice has repeatedly been silenced. The message is that I should not want attention. I should not feel/believe/act/think/speak without approval. I am not unconditionally valued. If any truth is spoken to me, it is spoken in the absence of grace, and so I further withdraw from certain relationships. I am tired. Tired. Tired. Tired of feeling guilty and not knowing what I am guilty of. Perhaps I am guilty of not being perfect. I am not playing my hero role. I can't beg and plead anymore. It is demeaning and crushes my spirit. Why do we insist on wanting relationships in which we are not wanted? Not only is the ball no longer in my court, I'm off the court. I'm not sitting on the witness stand. I'm closing the case.

Do over! There is but one Truth. That is my only goal. And God has given me a voice to speak it, and a Life in which to live it, as only I can do. Do not be silent. Do not go to your grave having never really lived. What a tragedy. What a comedy. What an empty stage. A rose has thorns for a reason. Find out what the reason is. Be the rose.

Another Look at Detachment

de·tach·ment  (d-tchmnt)n.

1. The act or process of disconnecting or detaching; separation.

2. The state of being separate or detached.

3. Indifference to or remoteness from the concerns of others; aloofness: preserved a chilly detachment in his relations with the family.

4. Absence of prejudice or bias; disinterest: strove to maintain her professional detachment in the case.

These are the definitions of detachment given by an online dictionary. I have always had mixed feelings about the concept and practice of detachment, and I am beginning to understand why. My first sponsor in Al-Anon, who was also a member of AA, instructed me to read all the pages on detachment in the program literature as my first assignment. Detachment was regularly a topic brought up at meetings. I think this was because it was such a difficult idea to understand and just as hard to practice. When emotions run high, when the walls are crumbling all around you, such emotional distancing and separation from others can seem impossible. In a way, it is. A qualification was then given to this task; that is, to detach with love. But being both loving and aloof seems counterintuitive. However, by detached the program does not mean to suggest that one be unfeeling as the above definitions might suggest. 

We must find a way not to be so involved in the alcoholism and problems of others, to take care of ourselves and not lose our serenity when dealing with overwhelming difficulties and toxic, volatile relationships. My conclusion? One cannot detach on one's own, and detachment is not even a worthy goal if it is focusing on a negative. Rather than willing oneself to achieve complete emotional separation, my belief is that there is only one way out of our problems. We must become attached to God alone. In this way only will we be able to set our boundaries, mind our own business, and remain spiritually healthy. Our only hope is to rest in God. I have revised my previous post, Suffering and Detachment, to better clarify these ideas.

So this is the new slogan I suggest: Attachment to God alone. If we are attached to God, we abide in Love. There is no separation; we are all one in the Lord. Perhaps this was the goal when detachment became the prescription of the day, but it ultimately left me adrift, a ship with no anchor. And eventually I get fed up, frustrated, overcome with grief or anger, and/or physically ill as a result of toxic circumstances and relationships. Only a saint can practice detachment in any situation, and most of us won't reach the level of sainthood in this lifetime. But we can take a contemplative approach to recovery and begin to learn detachment in a particularly Christian way and apply it with Divine Love to our troubling situations. Our anchor is the Lord. This is the basis for Paths to Grace. And in this blog I hope to channel the will of God, that He might provide the tools to carry this out, that our paths will be made straight and clear, with no confusion or ambiguity left to impede complete healing. 

Re-Evaluating the Twelve Steps

Many people have recently looked at the original post for this blog, titled "The Twelve Steps--A Catholic Perspective", so I think it's time to define my purpose and intentions again. The "program" I have been slowly developing has as its base God's Grace, rather than a set of steps. I have been reflecting upon various slogans, ideas, and practices regarding what I personally experienced as a member of Al-Anon for 10 years and what I observed as the close family member and friend of a number of alcoholics. My feeling now is that something new is taking shape, and that I may not be making a systematic re-evaluation (and potential re-writing) of the 12 Steps after all (although I will continue to loosely do this as I have been). Those steps help many people and can be a springboard for sobriety, healing, and a better way of life. I still use some of the tools I learned in Al-Anon which do not conflict with my religious beliefs. But I left the program to search for that Something More that the program can't offer, and then I began to be aware of what its specific limitations are, which is part of what I have been writing about here. My goal now is to illuminate alternative paths to healing, rather than to reinvent the wheel.

In Al-Anon I was told that all the answers to my problems were to be found in the 12 Steps. But what is interesting is the fact that the "step meetings" were the least attended of all types. For example, if the first Sunday of each month was designated by a group to be a meeting to study a particular step, there was a noticeable difference in the number of people who would come that week. The step meeting involves readings out of books about the step in question, and each reader then comments--or not--on what he or she has read. So why weren't these meetings as popular? Evidently, what people really want and need is to talk. They want to choose their own topics, tell others their problems, and listen to the answers. They want the personal experiences of the people sitting in the room. They want their own experiences and feelings validated, to know that they aren't alone. They want talk therapy.

That doesn't mean the steps weren't important to them, and some people really appreciated getting more deeply into a discussion of a step. It just wasn't, perhaps, the main thing that drew them to the program. Some steps seemed difficult to understand, and there is no absolute teaching on them. "Take what you like and leave the rest" sounds good in theory, but you may be leaving out something essential, and taking something that in reality is a bitter pill. It wasn't unusual for a person to get "stuck" on a step and never progress to the next. It is taken for granted that the 12 Step model is the most effective, and so many other  groups have adopted it, such as Overeaters Anonymous. Such programs work for some people, to a certain extent. I think for now I will just continue on as I have been, writing as I am inspired, and relaying the insights I have gained. Only time will tell what form the new path will take!

Daily Mass & the Eucharist

The pastor in my local parish is also the pastor for a nearby town. I called him there this morning, and the church secretary said he was on his way to give the Mass where I live. So I just went to Mass today and spoke with him afterward. I was glad, because I was out of town over the weekend and didn't make it to church. The daily Mass is only about 20 minutes long, as opposed to about 50 minutes on Sunday. There was no music and only a small gathering of people. Yet it was what I needed today, just to be in church and turn my attention to the presence of God as much as possible. Although I have not been through RCIA yet and so cannot take the bread and wine of the Eucharist, I still go through the line and receive a blessing. I can feel the Real Presence even though I can't eat and drink of it, and I believe that I receive Jesus because of my intention.

When a person joins Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon, members encourage him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. In a city like Columbus where I used to live, that could be done fairly easily, as there are meetings at every time of day. I used to go to Al-Anon on my lunch breaks. How fortunate Catholics are that we can attend Mass every day if we so desire, even in rural areas and small towns. Some are very early in the morning, so one could go before work. I don't discourage anyone from attending a 12 Step meeting if it helps him or her. But for the most profound healing and the ultimate closeness to God, nothing can compare with the Eucharist. I desire it so much that it takes all the patience I have in me to wait. But even if you aren't Catholic, just being there in church, reminding you to be conformed to Christ (and through Mary if you wish), is going to strengthen your faith, bless you, and keep you from temptation. Try daily Mass, in addition to Sundays, as often as you can. What a difference 90 consecutive days partaking in the Real Presence of our Lord would make! Jesus within you, all around you, and in all things. 

Then Jesus said to them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For My flesh is food indeed, and My blood is drink indeed. He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in me, and I in him" (John 7: 53-56). Jesus says nearly the same thing four times in a row, so that the point cannot be missed. Whenever He was being metaphorical, Jesus always explained His symbolism (ie., building one's house upon the rock alludes to faith rather than a physical dwelling place). He does not ever suggest that He is comparing one thing to another, and so the blood and flesh here is literal. Since He said at the Last Supper, "This is my body" when He broke the bread, and "This is my blood" when He poured the wine, it can be taken no other way than that the bread and wine are miraculously transformed into the body and blood of Christ. Here is your one, true source of power,  healing, and spiritual nourishment!

Progress, Not Perfection

I was often comforted by the slogan, "progress, not perfection" in the rooms of Al-Anon. Perfectionism can be a problem for the family and friends of alcoholics, for any number of reasons. We may want our homes to appear "normal" to others. We may suffer from low self-esteem or be afraid others will not like us or want to be our friends because of our alcoholic circumstances. Many in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon also grew up with alcoholic parents, sometimes suffering various forms of abuse. Some have been raped or molested or been victims of incest. They have lived in such continuous fear that they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Members of Al-Anon come to realize that their suffering has resulted in an obsessive need for control, because so much in life has been chaotic for them. They learn that in their quest for healing and ways to cope, they are allowed the grace to "do the program messy."

In others words, it is okay to make mistakes. If you lose your temper, or say something hurtful, or react to problems in a way that is unhealthy, you can make amends to yourself and others and try again. Recovery from the effects of alcoholism is not a test to be passed with flying colors, with a big A+ and a smiley face sticker. Two steps forward, one step back is more the pattern of progress.

When I write here about my experiences, it is not out of anger and resentment, but rather a desire to understand myself and others better, to raise questions that are important to me, and to offer insights and possible solutions. I can't do this without expressing what happened. My tone may not come across the way I intend to someone else, but I do my best to be clear and to write with the highest integrity. God knows my heart, and He knows yours. He doesn't expect us to be perfect. That's why Jesus came, so we could be perfected in Him. That is why he sent the Holy Spirit in His place, to dwell within us to achieve that perfection of grace that is available in the family of God.

If someone becomes angry with you or is offended by you, your first instinct might be to fix his feelings. You may feel that you somehow failed to be perfect, and begin to doubt yourself. You may try to talk him out of feeling the way he feels. While we certainly need to speak and act responsibly, feelings do get hurt unintentionally, misunderstandings do occur, and we and others do make mistakes. That is okay. It does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship, although in some cases the relationship will need to change or discontinue. You cannot fix or control someone else's feelings. People choose to react the way they do. Often a negative response is just their "stuff"; it doesn't really have anything to do with you. We really don't have the power to make someone feel or react in any particular way. I am glad I am not so powerful!! Compassion, compassion, compassion. For yourself and for others. A wise friend of mine once said that when someone is hardest to love, that is when she needs love the most.

It is apparent to me that many people would prefer to keep relationships shallow, to stay on the safe surface of things. Talk about hairstyles, the weather, work, TV shows and movies. It is a real conversation stopper when people bring up a television program, and I say, "I don't have TV at my house."  People don't feel comfortable talking about what is Real, especially if it is painful. I may be worn thin like the velveteen rabbit, but at least I have the promise of someday being a Real Bunny. And so do you. Applaud your progress, and let the Lord perfect you in His time. Last night while praying the Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary, I repeated before each Hail Mary on the Coming of the Holy Spirit decade, "The Holy Spirit dwells in me" and "I am perfected in the Holy Spirit."

Recovery through Grace

I am doubting today whether the world needs yet another 12 Step program. The initial name for this blog was "Catholic Twelve Step Program," but I have changed it to "Paths of Grace". Yesterday I wrote that a restoration of sanctifying grace is what would most help both those seeking recovery from addiction and their loved ones. I don't know exactly what kind of "program" might come out of following such a path. A Catholic could certainly apply his faith to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and its affiliated groups, being aware that the program is one of spiritual indifferentism. But there are issues with the content of the steps themselves, and that's what I want to begin to explore.

God is certainly integral to the 12 Steps, albeit in no particular form. But the worship of God is absent. Now, the AA or Al-Anon 12 Step program should not be a worship service. The doors are open to people of any religion or none, and the groups follow no religious creed. A Catholic would need to incorporate worship into his program privately and by attending Mass. "Paths to Grace," the name by which I will refer to my program for now, would of course incorporate worship.

To my way of thinking, the release of a person from the bondage of addiction (or obsessive thinking and emotional disturbance, in the case of the loved ones) must be perceived as a sort of salvation. This is achieved through God's grace by a living faith working in love. One actively participates in an ongoing renewal of faith, guided in his thoughts and behaviors by the indwelling Holy Spirit. He or she is, in short, made holy. It is sanctifying grace that one needs to achieve permanent sobriety and emotional, psychological, and spiritual wholeness. Worship of God is integral to this salvation. This goes way beyond Step 11, which is seeking conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation, "praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out." Is that all we should be praying for? What about other people, the sick and poor, our leaders, our children, widows? What about our threatened environment and God's other creatures? What about praying for peace and morality and the value of all life? It's not all about you or me. We need to get outside ourselves.

The 12 Steps culminate in experiencing a "spiritual awakening" as the result of these steps. So the 12th step is not really a step at all, but the hoped for culmination of the first eleven. A spiritual awakening is not something a person can do. Rather, it is a mystical experience resulting from a transcendent unity with God that is sometimes ecstatic. Not everyone has such experiences. Smaller "ah" moments, where something clicks, a light bulb goes on, so to speak, are more common for most people. Something is illuminated; a moment of clarity is achieved. Then what? Typically you do the steps over and over, going deeper as you come back to them. Then what? The common wisdom is that you practice them, and regularly attend meetings, forever.  Some members' whole lives are centered around the program. It takes up an inordinate amount of time, and the fear of relapse (even for the nonalcoholic loved one, in his own way) and subsequent threat of insanity and/or death, is always hanging over one's head. The idea of powerlessness prevails, and the addict can never live a normal life without the program. But I will expand upon all that at another time.

A possible, alternative support group model might be built on something like the breastfeeding circle I attended when I lived in Columbus. A lactation consultant presided over the meeting, but mostly she was just available to answer questions and offer her expertise on whatever topics came up. Mostly the mothers shared their knowledge, advice, wisdom, experience, and support with each other in an informal way. You could go to meetings whenever you wanted. When you were done breastfeeding, you stopped going. Perhaps a Catholic spiritual director could preside over Paths of Grace meetings in a similar way.

There could also be literature available for other relevant resources, such as treatment centers, doctors, psychiatrists and therapists who would work cooperatively with the group. The approach would be more holistic, preparing a person to live a life of wholeness and permanent sobriety (and permanent abstinence may not be necessary in every case). Basic concepts could be written to guide people to recovery from a Catholic perspective, incorporating the sacraments of the Church. A daily reader, or meditation book, on how to cope with particular emotions and situations could be available. The group would not be alone. Another thing missing from AA and similar groups is the equivalent of a magisterium, or teaching office, to interpret the program, with authority regarding how it is practiced. This results in all sorts of problems, some of which I have previously covered and will continue to explore. (It has been suggested that such an authoritative office would destroy AA, so we will leave it alone and seek another path.)

My sincere hope is that in my re-evaluation of the 12 Steps, together with my continued exploration of Catholicism, the teachings of the Church may provide what is missing for those living in the hell of active addiction, as well as for those families and friends affected by such disorders.

Paths to God

In "God Versus a Random Higher Power," I suggested that the initial path to God might be found in any religious or spiritual tradition, and I'd like to elaborate on that idea. I think that God can use anything to lead a person to him, and the working of these mysterious ways is not always evident to someone else. My own spiritual journey is a good example. Baptized in the Church of Christ at the age of 8, I grew up in that denomination, followed by my family's membership in nondenominational and charismatic Christian churches. I was a very religious young person, active in church youth groups. My faith was challenged in college, but in the end it was strengthened as a result. As a single adult I did not always belong to a particular church but would sporadically attend when visiting my parents and grandparents. I went to a Church of Christ in Columbus, and then after I was married I attended the Unity Church, a metaphysical Christian denomination with some New Age elements. After moving to my current home I visited many churches and settled on the First Presbyterian, eventually being guided to the Catholic Church.

For many years along the way I searched for the Divine Feminine, and in my studies of goddess spirituality and mythology I encountered Kuan Yin, a bodhisattva of the Buddhist tradition, sometimes referred to as the Chinese goddess of mercy. From my experience with Kuan Yin I grew spiritually in the areas of compassion, empathy, and motherly love. I had found an image of the sacred feminine. She reminded me in some ways of Jesus, but otherwise I could not reconcile her with Christianity, so I still felt split. Once I called upon Mary, she quickly lead me back to her son, and finally I came to know the reflection of God's feminine face and maternal love in her. The masculine and feminine were reconciled for me in Catholicism.

The point is, while I may have appeared to veer dangerously off the path, God took what he had to work with, in my case, interest in goddess spirituality, and lead me to the fullness of the the Christian faith! For the alcoholic and his loved ones, I think a Catholic approach to the Twelve Steps could also be started from any religious tradition, or none, but I believe that God's will is for all humankind to join the mystical Body of Christ. This is where the full restoration of grace can be found. Alcoholics Anonymous and its affiliated groups are limited in what they can do toward providing help and healing. God can use those programs, and I believe he does, and they can serve as an initial path to the healing of alcoholism and its effects upon loved ones.

There are seven sacraments in the Catholic tradition which are signs of the grace we receive from God. I think that four of these--Baptism, Confirmation, the Eucharist, and Penance and Reconciliation--need to be integrated into the 12 Steps. Perhaps this could be done in conjunction with the Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults. A person would not have to be Catholic, or even Christian at all, to begin the Catholic Twelve Steps, but there would be the hope of the restoration of the sanctifying grace which leads to wholeness and holiness for anyone who wants it--a true and lasting sobriety.

The 12 Step Program as Onion

It is a curious phenomenon to me that my spiritual journey has led me to a re-evaluation of the 12 Step programs of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. I am not an alcoholic, and so I cannot speak for alcoholics. I am, however, the friend and family member of many alcoholics, and I was an active member of Al-Anon, the support group for the friends and family of alcoholics, for 10 years. I even started an Al-Anon group in the town in which I live that ran for over a year. As I have expressed before, these blog articles are written in the literary genre of the personal essay. This is not a research paper, unbiased and replete with nothing but confirmable facts. There are surely readers who question whether or not I "know what I am talking about" regarding various subjects. I do my best to write with the utmost integrity, from the position of my education and experiences. My goal is not to provide a balanced list of the pros and cons in a disinterested sort of way. I know what I know, and I don't claim to know it all.

Also, the spiritual journey is, by nature, never finished. I have not yet drawn any firm conclusions. I am like a detective following clues, not yet sure how they will all fit together. Will this crime ever be solved? He doesn't know, but faith and hope prompt him to keep looking, and to not rule out any possible connections or suspects, whether the evidence seems logical or not. He just knows, somehow, that he is on to something. When a house burns down, the inspectors sift through the rubble looking for the source of the fire. Those who lived in the home salvage what they can and move on. Or maybe it is a storm that destroys the house, and when they rebuild, they do so on higher ground. In any case, after the smoke clears and some semblance of order has been restored, it is wise to reflect on what worked well, what did not, and why. This is the reason we study history, people! We need to understand ourselves, why we act, think, and believe as we do, what happened to get us where we are today, and how we can avoid repeating our mistakes. I am the camel who rides bravely through the storm, not the one who sticks his head in the sand. I am not bound by political correctness or paralyzed by the fear of offending someone. The reactions of others are not something one can control anyway.

This is what prompts the writer to write, this feeling that she is on to something. If she were not, then no strong reaction would occur in the reader. He would not click on the link unless the title piqued his curiosity in the first place. He would not be moved to laugh, or cry, or become angry, or to think, if there wasn't a good point being made somewhere. It must too be understood that the writer is not her blog, anymore than the poet is the poem, or the artist is the painting. Surely something of the creator is in the creation. But the paradox is that the artist must be detached to a certain point from the thing he makes, or gives birth to, for his work to be good. So I separate myself from the page, and I hope the reader has the sense to do the same.

Metaphor serves us well in this detective story, so let me get on with the onion. Often in Al-Anon I heard a member describe the process of his spiritual growth through the program as the peeling away of a layer of an onion. Each time he made a discovery or understood something, there was another layer underneath, so he had to just keep peeling. Now, I understand that all metaphors are limited. It would be silly to imagine that the whole program could be explained with this produce comparison. But perhaps it gives a clue as to why I found myself disillusioned and needed to move on from Al-Anon, just as I became unsatisfied with the particular brand of Christianity I had known. Have you ever peeled an onion? It makes me cry. A brilliant thing I heard in the rooms of Al-Anon was that it is possible to learn one's lessons through joy rather than always through pain. Maybe the onion is the painful part of the path. An onion has a base from which it grows, but it has nothing comparable to a core, such as you find in an apple.

The apple has a skin right on the surface that contains the highest concentration of nutrients in the fruit. Then you have that fleshy part that you can really sink your teeth into, and it is sweet and juicy, especially if it's organic and in season. But then you hit the core, and you have to stop and wonder, even be in awe. What are these things in the middle? True, you can eat them. But if you plant them, you can grow a whole new tree and a whole crop of apples. Why, you can have an arbor or a whole forest! Like Johnny Appleseed, you could even travel the nation and plant these seeds everywhere you go, and the variety of apples could become nearly endless. So the onion and apple are the points of departure for what appears to be a whole series on this subject of what is missing with the 12 Step program. My working hypothesis, then, is that the 12 Step program is more like the onion than the apple. It has its base and value, but perhaps what is missing is a core. I have finished with the onion and am working my way through the flesh of the fruit. I did not discard the peel, I ate it. And when I get to the core, hopefully I will find out what to do with it!

As a final note, allow me to make another analogy. As a student Montessori teacher, I spent an entire weekend in teacher training every month. Inspired by the writings of Montessori and the discussions of her brilliant method, I would be excited to try these techniques and apply these theories in the classroom. Sometimes my mentor teacher took the wind out of my sails by admonishing me that at the end of the day, you have to do what works in your particular classroom. Following the truth in what she said, I will argue that what I have observed and experienced in Al-Anon and AA meetings, and what I have seen regarding what people actually do with the Big Book and Conference Approved Literature and how they practice the program sheds just as much light on how these programs actually work as does knowledge of what the books themselves say. This is my opinion, and by gosh by golly, I will not be derailed by self-doubt or the frowns of others, for I am on to something! Perhaps, dear Watson, it is elementary after all.

Sin Versus "Defects of Character"

While I am not officially Catholic yet, readers have probably noticed by now that my spiritual journey is leading me in that direction. I am still a student, and my reading takes me deeper and deeper into the fullness of the Christian faith. So what I write about here has been clarified for me specifically through a Catholic perspective and cannot be separated from it. Sometimes the insights I gain are surprising and may not seem to be immediately related, like my last post on the limits of 12 Step groups. Again I am finding myself connecting some interesting dots.

In the 12 Steps, after you have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself, you admit to God (as you understand Him), to yourself, and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs. (After doing these steps myself in Al-Anon, it dawned on me, a Protestant, that the Catholic sacramament of Confession is not a bad idea!) Then when you are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, you humbly ask Him to remove your shortcomings.

Some people are afraid that this process with leave them with holes like in Swiss cheese, and they will not be themselves anymore. But the program literature assures that God will replace these character defects with something better. This all sounds fine, and certainly with the practice of these steps--and in the case of an alcoholic, with continued sobriety--one may indeed find himself more humble, not so short-tempered, less selfish, etc... If you practice the program right, the Big Book says, you will not relapse. Relapse under this program, done as directed by the Big Book, is said to be rare.

So when a person with long term sobriety suddenly goes on a drinking binge, his friends in the program are aghast, especially if the person does not have any major life issues to trigger the drinking. He has a good job, good friends, a loving wife and children, his health, an AA sponsor, and no one he loves has died. He attends regular meetings and practices the steps. So what happened?! They begin to ask questions and look for clues and prompt the alcoholic to do the same. Well, he only attended 3 meetings instead of his usual five this week. He hadn't talked to his sponsor in over a week. Is his marriage secretly unhappy?

I have to wonder, is sobriety in AA really so fragile? Does a person really have to attend a magical number of meetings or talk to his sponsor within a certain range of time, and keep doing these things for the rest of his life for the program to stick? And then the poor wife or husband of the alcoholic goes to Al-Anon and hears that by doing that program, he or she can be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Which is certainly a hopeful thought, and the Al-Anon member does the same 12 Steps himself, and he too can achieve serenity if he keeps coming back. Yet with every best human effort and intention, things still fall apart many, many times, and the center cannot hold. (The success rate of AA is something like 3%.) Feelings of guilt, shame and remorse are to be avoided, as they might lead the alcoholic to even more drinking.

I mentioned Confession earlier. This is the confession of sins done in the presence of a priest. Wait, did I say sins? Are those kind of like "defects of character" or "shortcomings"? Hmm. "Shortcomings" sounds so much nicer than "sins". And sin alludes to religion, and this program does not have religious affiliations, although some people get very cranky if someone refuses to say "The Lord's Prayer" at the end of a meeting. But if there is no religious affiliation, why should anyone object to a member who does not recite a specifically Christian prayer, but chooses to remain silent while the rest of the group says it? Ah, because each group does what it wants. There is no authority holding them to the traditions. It has been known that a person who comes into the group and points out practices that go against the traditions may be told, "This is the way we do things here" and "You are trying to take over."

Another example of bending the rules to one's own liking is seen in the area of sexual relations. It is common wisdom that a new person coming into the AA program should not start a new relationship until he has been sober for a year. This is good policy. The way around this that I witnessed was in the qualification of the men regarding "relationship." It was okay to have a "lady friend," or many of them, and to have sex with them, as long as you didn't call her a "girlfriend." Using a person you did not care for, for your sexual gratification, was fine as long as she was just using you too, or you at least told her you did not want a "relationship". Clearly, the point of getting oneself sober and spiritually healthy, along with getting one's life together before trying to interact responsibly in an intimate relationship with another human being, who does have feelings and is not just a body, was grievously missed. Does this sound like a "defect of character", or does it sound like sin?

To quote Scott Hahn, sin is not just broken laws--it is a broken life, a broken home, a broken heart. To sin, in strictly literal terms, is to "miss the mark."  In religious terms, the mark is God, and God is Love. To sin is to lose unity with God and Love (and this unity with God is implied in the 12 Step practice of turning one's will and life over to Him). Sin is when your own will is not in alignment with His. The Holy Spirit comes as a fire to restore that Love. This is not only about the removal of character defects. Adam and Eve felt guilt, shame, and remorse when they disobeyed God and fell from grace. This is not about beating yourself in the head with a brick when you make a mistake. To fully acknowledge your sin is to be open to receive the restoration of grace and the salvation of your very soul.

If magical thinking in the way of attending meetings and talking to your sponsor and following secular steps, whether they are deemed spiritual or not, is relied upon for sobriety, then there is no possibility of ever being a  recovered alcoholic or Al-Anon person, but only a forever recovering one. I have experienced the comfort, help, hope, strength, and experience of people who have had similar problems in the rooms of Al-Anon, but it seems that eventually the 12 Step program can become frayed at the edges and full of holes. It stops short of something that perhaps would bring it to wholeness, and that is holiness.

Finding one's own, personal truth is secular in nature. These 12 Step programs need to say to their members, "Hey, eventually we will have done for you all we can do here. We are limited. You are always welcome back if you need us, but at some point you need to move on and find the ultimate Truth, and don't stop searching until you do! Face your guilt, shame, and remorse, and seek forgiveness and salvation."  For our sins cannot be brushed under the carpet, saying, "Oh darn, there goes that shortcoming again..."  There is danger in making the 12 Step program an idol. The group should not become one's permanent higher power; at some point you need to unite yourself with the Kingdom of God. Your ultimate recovery does not live in the rooms of AA and Al-Anon, and nothing less than lives, families, children, and souls are at stake here.

God Versus a Random "Higher Power"

To be fair, let me begin by saying that 12-step groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, and Al-Anon, for the friends and family of alcoholics, have helped tons of people and saved many lives. In no way do I mean  to discourage anyone from getting the help they need by attending the meetings of such groups. However, what I want to discuss here are the limitations of these programs and how this relates to family life. I was myself an Al-Anon member for 10 years, so this is an informed opinion.

When you come into AA or Al-Anon, for the program to work you must believe in a "higher power." The program is not religious, they say, but it is spiritual. For atheists or those with bad experiences in organized religion, alternatives to God such as "good orderly direction" or "creator" are designated as suggestions for the higher power. One woman in Al-Anon began with a bar of soap as her higher power until she could sort out who exactly was this power who was greater than herself. So she turned her will and her life over to a bar of soap for the time being.

This is all well and good I suppose, but at some point, this higher power needs to be someone with authority. Someone you can, in reality, turn your will and life over to. Does "good orderly direction" really cut the mustard? Can "good orderly direction" hear one's prayers? Can he answer them? Even if an alcoholic "recovers" and never drinks again, can sobriety, that is, wholeness and emotional and spiritual health, truly be achieved without the one, true God being the one who delivers the alcoholic from the bondage of addiction and his "defects of character"? If the well isn't deep enough, what happens when the bucket comes up dry? It is my opinion that help may be found in these rooms, and a respite from one's troubles, and the comfort of those who have suffered in a similar way. God can, and surely does, work through this program. But I fear that holiness is not intrinsic to what is ultimately a secular "religion" of its own. There is a reason for the relapses and low success rate of people who get sober and stay sober in AA.

At the last Al-Anon meeting I attended, a woman who simply voiced her frustration with, "Why can't my mom just stop drinking?" was verbally attacked by several holier-than-thou people. For the entire meeting, there was cross talk and interruption, and the chair person allowed the meeting to go over the one hour allotment of time. While this was one of the most extreme cases I witnessed of meeting disintegration, it is an unfortunately common pattern. The poor woman seeking validation did not receive words of experience, strength, and hope, but rather, judgment and condemnation. And from my experience with alcoholics, AA is rampant with gossip and abuse of its principles, too. Ah, but the argument goes that we place "principles above personalities" in these groups. So you take what you like and leave the rest.

This brings me to a conversation with a friend regarding the differences between Protestants and Catholics. "But why do you have to choose?" she wondered. "Why can't you just take what you like from each?" Because I have a child is why, and she agreed that yes, when you are teaching a child, you need to be specific and clear. The path must not be rife with trees painted with arrows pointing in all manner of possible directions.  No wishy washy Charlie Browniness in the case of nurturing the spiritual growth of a child. Why should it be different for babes lost in the woods of addiction? In the case of AA and its affiliates, there is "conference approved literature", and there are the steps, traditions, and concepts. And slogans and pat answers to real problems. But who in the heck is really in charge? The God of Soap Bars?!

It's just like churches that each have their own set of beliefs, based on the images of the men who started the churches, and for whom they are named (or from whom those churches descended). These men were all Christians but they interpreted the Bible according to their own ideas, regardless of the clear history of the Church that goes all the way back to Peter, the rock upon whom Jesus said his Church was to be built. Furthermore, the Bible gives clear authority to that Church and its traditions, both oral and written. There is nothing in the Bible that says the written scriptures are the only authority. Like it or not, it is specifically the Catholic Church that can trace its lineage, biblical interpretation, traditions, and hierarchical authority back to Peter, which is to say, straight back to Jesus. It was the Catholic Church, not Luther, who gave us the Bible in the first place. In fact, Luther wanted to remove a few New Testament books that didn't sit well with him. I know, can of worms open. But there can't be umpteen versions of the truth. You may have part of the truth in any religion, and goodness and heavenly light, but what is needed in this broken world is the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth.

In 12 Step groups, the sad fact is that there is not one true God. Also, there appears to be no clear authority defining the exact meaning of these steps and traditions and how they are to be followed. Everyone has his opinion. Take what you want from the buffet and make your own grilled cheese with peanut butter and tabassco sauce sandwich. Top it with syrup and Captain Crunch cereal, as you see fit. I do agree that there is wisdom in not forcing a particular religion on people trying to get sober. They need to clear their heads and learn the program gently, in small pieces at a time. Yes, it is recommended to have a sponsor with experience in the program and long term sobriety to guide you, but this is still just a person. The pertinent question is, ultimately, who is your God?

At the end of every meeting is the chant, "Keep coming back. It works if you work it!" But despite the principles, you still have the personalities, and at the end of the day your meat needs to come off a solid bone, not from a can of spam. If you find yourself alone in the African jungle surrounded by poisonous snakes, your sponsor has been eaten by a lion, and there is no meeting within walking distance, but there is a bar in the next village, who you gonna call? The initial path to God might be found in any of the world's great religious and spiritual traditions, not limited to Christianity. I personally find Native American spirituality to be beautiful. I just wish that the ultimate message of 12 step groups is that the group itself cannot serve as a higher power, as it seems to for many. Those souls searching for help and healing need to be encouraged to search endlessly for the truth of God.

The 12 Steps--A Catholic Perspective

While writing one day, I had the sudden realization that I was discovering parallels between my dissatisfaction with Protestant Christianity and my disillusionment with Al-Anon, the support group for the families and friends of alcoholics. I was gaining new insights from a Catholic perspective, initiated by the intense amount of reading I have been doing as I go about the process of converting to the Catholic Faith.

The 12 Steps of the Al-Anon program are the same as those used by Alcoholics Anonymous, but from the perspective of people affected by the drinking of another. Alcoholism is understood as a family illness; that is, the friends and family of an alcoholic can become seriously unbalanced themselves. Al-Anon is a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics which also follows the same traditions as AA. Both groups are grounded on spiritual principles but have no religious affiliation. Both groups have provided much needed help to countless people. AA gives the alcoholic a way to get sober, and Al-Anon gives his loved ones a way to cope with the disease of alcoholism and its destructive, heartbreaking effects. Al-Anon helped me get through some of the most painful moments of my life, and I am eternally grateful.

There came a point, however, after ten years in the Al-Anon program, when I knew I had to move on, just like I had to stop going to church for awhile in order to search for the place in which God wanted me to be. There are those who get sober in AA but don't maintain sobriety, who relapse and go in and out of the program. There are those who get sober and stay sober in AA and remain in the program for the rest of their lives. Some get sober in AA but leave the program and stay sober. Others get sober without AA and stay sober. The success rate is higher for those who desire to get help and want to go to meetings, whereas it is lower for people whose attendance is court mandated. Overall the success rate of AA is something like 3% to 5%.

Alcoholism is called a "cunning and baffling disease" by people in these 12 Step programs. Complete abstinence is said to be the only way to arrest the disease; there is no cure. Yet there are those who have gotten better and are able to drink with moderation. It is said that these could not therefore be "true" alcoholics. The AMA defines alcoholism as both a physical and mental disease, so insurance can cover both medical and psychiatric treatment, and this is a very good thing. There does remain conflicting medical opinion, however, regarding the designation of alcoholism as a disease and how best to treat it.

I have witnessed firsthand the limitations of these programs. I found an online article that discussed alcoholism as sin, pure and simple, and denied the idea of alcoholism being a disease. The writer did not mention any personal experience in 12 Step programs. She gave many Bible verses warning against the sin of drunkeness, which do not provide any exceptions for those who are compelled to drink due to having a disease. While her point is valid, I have seen alcoholics become very ill, and their thinking distorted, and their personalities negatively and profoundly altered. And they make everyone else around them sick. Their drinking gets progressively worse, and many sins are indeed committed: lying, financial disaster, adultery, child abuse and neglect, spouse abuse, out of control anger, and other addictions that may coincide, such as gambling and sex addiction. The alcoholic is very sick and miserable, and these problems are not the only ones. Insanity and death are the outcomes of alcoholism, and the alcoholic is not drinking for fun.

The issue is more complicated than one of sin, but there is a key in this consideration that, as helpful and filled with spiritual wisdom as the 12 Step program may be, it doesn't work for everyone for a reason. I prayed on my Rosary after I read the harsh article mentioned above to be more compassionate and gentle than this writer, and I asked to be guided by the Holy Spirit. The answer that has come to me so far is to re-evaluate the 12 Steps. Ugh! I feel like Noah being asked to build the ark. Why me?!

I'm going to go through the steps one at a time and use them as a base upon which to build a Catholic application. I'm also going to look at the 12 Traditions of AA and Al-Anon, for it is on these that the group stands or falls. What works in the program? What is missing? What needs to be changed? What are some possible solutions? These are the beginnings of the questions. My hope is to provide the basis for an alternate path for someone looking for a way to get and stay not only sober, but to become whole, and this for his loved ones as well. To find the ultimate salvation.