Unacceptable Behavior

"...persons must authentically relate to other persons. Forum members related experiences of the sting of judgmentalism aimed at them and at others. As one woman pointed out, what is needed is hospitality. This is not merely having pals over for tea. Hospitality includes the ability to look at someone who is completely not you, and to communicate 'I accept you.' I accept you, regardless of your political views, I accept you regardless of your age or marital status, your history. I accept you, regardless of how or whether you express any faith in Christ, and despite any obvious sins you may be in the midst of. I accept you."   --from a blog post at Naru Hodo

I have been following an online group discussion amongst Catholics about how a forced sense of community in parishes creates tension, and those particular buzzwords that grate upon the nerves (such as "faith journey" and "church community"). The conclusion was that the nature of the discomfort is a perceived lack of authenticity. The above quote is a lovely comment on the deeper meaning of hospitality as an antidote to false piety. This really resonated with me and how it relates to the 12 Step concept of acceptance. One of the first steps to recovery is accepting the reality of what is happening in one's life, whether that be an admittance of one's own alcoholism or acceptance of the alcoholism of a loved one. Acceptance extends to the character defects of others and to one's particular life situation and struggles, whatever they may be. Only after accepting the things we cannot change can we summon the courage to change the things we can, and to arrive at a place of wisdom and discernment.

There is a flip side to this coin however, and it is one that always bothered me about the 12 Step program, in particular Al-Anon, of which I was a member for 10 years. It was the idea that we do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. On the surface this sounds empowering. It might seem obvious that certain things, such as domestic violence, would be considered unacceptable. Yet there were those in the 12 Step groups that continued to willingly live in an abusive situation. In reality, there was no yardstick to guide one in determining what should or should not be tolerated, as there is no governing body, creed, or authoritative moral compass inherent to these groups.

It was acknowledged that what is considered unacceptable for one person would be different for someone else and was left at that. While a certain level of subjectivity is to be expected, in hindsight I can easily see how determining that someone else's behavior is unacceptable can stem from a lack of humility and the temptation to judge and harshly criticize others for not meeting your standards. People often tend to appoint themselves as the police of what is and is not appropriate behavior. This attitude negates the "Live and Let Live" slogan of 12 Step philosophy and undermines the goal of acceptance, which has at it's heart empathy, compassion, and unconditional love, both for ourselves and for others.

The temptation to control, censor, and silence the ideas, opinions, and personalities of other people is tremendous and can only be overcome by God's grace. This is why the 12 Step program, though spiritual in nature, was not enough on its own to provide the healing I needed. The great gift the Catholic Church has given me is the recognition that I was depending too much upon the acceptance and approval of others, and if I didn't free myself from this crazy-making merry-go-round, I would never have serenity. In the Church I found the Truth for which I had been seeking. As long as I am under Mary's mantle, I can proceed with confidence and live my life authentically, with the hope that some day I will truly be able to see Christ in every face.

Ecclesia

Humility and Charity

"How might the virtues of humility, mildness, patience, and charity shape our thoughts and actions? First, by humbly striving to recognize the goodness that exists in others with whom we may disagree, even on seemingly fundamental issues, we are able to approach contested issues in a spirit of openness and good faith. Secondly, by practicing true mildness we may maintain a spirit of serenity, avoiding the introduction of a divisive tone or imprudent statements that will offend rather than promote peace and mutual understanding. Thirdly, by true patience we will recognize that in our striving after the arduous good we seek, we must be willing, when necessary, to accept suffering while waiting. Finally, even when we still feel the need to correct our brothers it must be with charity, in the proper time and place."  --Archbishop DiNoia

The archbishop's words say it all, don't they? A spirit of humility is necessary to be able to communicate with others patiently, gently and lovingly. And even then, we may have to accept suffering while we wait for the right time and place and the appropriate disposition in which to approach a brother or sister with a difficult problem. If peace and understanding do not underlie our efforts, then we must set our grievances aside. This is so very difficult, not to lash out, not to immediately assume that we know the intentions of another. Even if we keep our side of the street clean, we may still have to suffer someone else's anger, rejection, hurt feelings, etc...

There are still family relations in my life that have lost a certain level of closeness, where there is uncertainty and tension, while other relationships have come out of the dark night with great progress toward healing, hope and reconciliation. What I have learned is that I can only deal with my own part of the problem and allow others to be responsible for theirs. Sometimes an apology never comes; sometimes a guilty party will not own up to her part in the problem, or the damage she has done in reacting hastily and devoid of charity. I have also become aware that just because someone is a Christian, or goes to church, or has professional experience in an area that one might think would help him to know better how to react or behave, does not mean that person truly has Christ or a firm grasp of spiritual Truth. Intellectually knowing Jesus or having worldly knowledge of any kind does not equal the possession of Wisdom.

Often in Al-Anon meetings a member would acknowledge that a person with whom she was struggling did not have the benefit of the 12 Step program. Even though the help is available, some people are just not ready yet or willing to receive it. That is true not just of the support they might find in a 12 Step group, but the guidance they could be receiving from the Holy Spirit, the Church, or other people if they were humble enough to admit that they needed help, or open enough to consider that they may not be right about those things they have determined to be true. So time and again we return to the Wisdom expressed by the archbishop. We pray for ourselves and others, especially those people that cause us the most grief. We can consecrate ourselves to Jesus through Mary daily, and one day at a time give birth to the God of peace.

One Day at a Time in Advent

As with everything else in life, we can only prepare for Christmas one day at a time. "One Day at a Time" is one of the main slogans of AA, Al-Anon, and other 12 Step groups. Each of us has the same 24 hours a day, and there is a limit to what we can accomplish in that period of time, especially since we must be sure to sleep at least 7 to 8 hours per night! I need more like 9 to 10 hours to feel properly rested.

Some may wish to hurry up and get Christmas over with. This is a tempting attitude, since for many, especially those dealing with the alcoholism and other dysfunctions of close family members, holiday gatherings are dreaded. Perhaps there is too much drinking and bickering, or old resentments rear their dragon-like heads, or financial strain is especially felt at this time. But to miss out on the spiritual richness of Advent would be a sorrowful state of affairs. The Catholic Church, as usual, provides the way to meaning and wholeness in this special season.

We are no longer in "ordinary time".  It's time now to contemplate the extraordinary, the day when our Savior was born into this world, a divine child suckled at the breast of his human mother, Mary. Pray the Joyful Mysteries of the Rosary and put yourself there in the stable. See the starlight cutting through the darkness and shining upon the baby lying in the manger, asleep on the hay. Imagine the awe of the shepherds visited by an angel who heard the angelic choir ringing out in the night. Behold the gifts of the magi, fit for a king--the King of Kings. Contemplate His humility, His vulnerability, and His reason for coming.

Not officially in this Nativity scene is the little drummer boy of the Rankin-Bass television program. If you can't catch it on TV, check it out on video from your library. It always, without fail, makes me cry. I think it's because the little drummer boy discovers not just the true meaning of Christmas, but of life. He thinks he has no gift to bring, but then he plays his drum for Jesus. This was the boy's purpose in life, to use his musical talent for the glory of God. What gifts has God given you? How well do you use them? This Advent season, make a commitment to use your gifts in alignment with the will of God, to share with others for His honor. This will give your life purpose.

Go to Mass. Light your own Advent candles every Sunday and have dinner with your family by their light each evening. Shop for gifts with bringing joy to the recipient in mind. Eat healthy, and don't overindulge in the sweets. Keep your house picked up, and by all means put up a Christmas tree, even just a small one, and even if you live alone. Decorate your home not just for the holidays, but for winter, making your environment warm and cheerful even on the coldest of days.

Lift the flap on an Advent calendar and read the message with your children every day. My daughter's religious education teacher had the children make a construction paper chain to count down the days till Christmas, and Beezy loves seeing how many days are left. We read the messages and do what they say, such as, "Make popcorn for your family", and she is having a great time following the instructions. Today's message: "Look up at the wonder of the night sky tonight and say thanks to God." Be a kid again, experiencing the wonder of Christmas through the eyes of a child. Establish family traditions. They are worth the effort, and keep them simple. And like my RCIA director said, if whatever you do to prepare for Christmas doesn't bring you closer to Jesus, just don't do it!

Formal Process toward the Church

I am finally a member of R.C.I.A., the Catholic Church's Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults! I began my journey to the Church around this time last year, but by the time I inquired into RCIA, it was too late to join the group. Alas I have had to wait a long time to partake of Holy Communion, and I will still be waiting until the Easter Vigil. Happily, Easter comes in March this year, so my wait will be shorter than many have experienced.

I think I will share my RCIA journey on this particular blog, as the group experience is somewhat similar to what one might find in 12 Step groups such as AA and Al-Anon. In fact, I got a ride home on Sunday with one of the staff members after the class, and she mentioned that anything shared in the class is confidential and should not go outside the group. The RCIA leader is a former member of Al-Alon, like myself, so I was not surprised by this at all. Sunday's topic was faith, and one staff member shared her spiritual journey and how she came to be Catholic. This was similar to an AA lead. RCIA emphasizes taking this journey together and how each person is in a unique place, and we must be patient with one another. There is no pressure to join the Church at the end of the process. You can learn about the faith as you go and decide for yourself whether it is for you.

Our group will still take new members into October, so if you are interested in learning more about the Catholic Church and would like a supportive group environment in which to explore this religion, contact your local parish. What do you have to lose?

A Sense of Place

A family member visiting my house recently wondered what on earth I like about living in my home town village. Those enjoying the benefits of city or suburban life might be baffled by the decision to leave it all behind for the slower paced lifestyle of a small town. Members of 12 Step programs are warned not to count on a "geographic solution" to one's problems, and I agree, at least in part. Wherever you go, there you are, and your problems with addiction, or marital turmoil, or tensions with family members will not just disappear because you change location.

In fact, some problems could be even worse. I moved here instead of to the city where my family of origin lives, and that is now apparently a soar spot. But here in my home town I have many extended family members, and family was something I really missed while living in Columbus. Also, friends were very spread out all over the city, so it would take about 20 minutes to drive to see anyone, often in congested traffic, and it wasn't feasible therefore to just drop in on someone. You might drive all that way and find them not at home! Making plans around people's hectic schedules was difficult. So while we lived among millions, we felt isolated.

A sense of place and community can be found in a small town. It is safer, cleaner, and much, much more quiet. Nature is available in mere minutes, and we know that time in nature is crucial to well being and good health. And we do have culture. We aren't just a bunch of hicks! My town opened an ArtSpace to feature local artists and offer a place for entertainment and education. The county fair grounds are in my town, and so is the county Historical Society. History and genealogy are popular cultural interests here. The cost of living is also much lower. The historic home I live in here would have been half a million dollars in Columbus. And our Parks and Recreation department and library provide many wonderful programs for children and adults at affordable prices.

It is in this town that all of my grandparents live, and that alone would be a good enough reason to be here. But in addition, I met Mary, Mother of my Lord, in this town. I found the Catholic Church and finally feel that I am experiencing the fullness of the Christian faith. We are part of a homeschooling community, and the Vintage Homes Club, and I am the secretary for our chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution. I teach belly dancing, which I most likely would not have done in the city, and my troupe is enthusiastically received everywhere we perform. We have very good friends who we spend quality time with. The neighborhood children flock to my house!

Life is fuller, richer, and more meaningful for having moved to an area with a strong sense of place, of history, of belonging. There have been bumps in the road, to be sure. Sometimes people, especially family, can become a little too involved in my life, and they do not realize that after living away for decades, they do not know me the way they think they do, and vice versa. Relationships take time, effort, compassion, and understanding to develop and grow. And there are those who live here and do not have much of a life, so other people's business becomes too much of a focus. Nowhere is perfect. But sometimes the geographic solution to problems is not such a bad idea. Some places resonate with us. They feel like home.