When "You Can Sit with Us" Doesn't Happen

A few years ago I found a T-shirt for my daughter featuring the minions from the movie, "Despicable Me" with a caption that said, "YOU CAN SIT WITH US." I didn't actually know what it meant; I just knew she would love it. When my husband asked what it meant, I told him I thought it had something to do with the anti-bullying movement. Now I think that what it best signifies is the Christian concept of hospitality and inclusiveness.

We are a homeschooling family, and my daughter took a la carte art and gym classes at a Catholic school when she was younger. She stayed for lunch after the classes. One day when I picked her up, she proudly told me a story. A lone boy was being left out by the other boys in the cafeteria, so the girls invited the outcast to sit with them! 

We expect issues like this to happen with children. But what do you do if it happens among adults, and you are the one not being invited to "sit with us"?

This is exactly what occurred to me yesterday. After I dropped my daughter off at her church youth group, I went to an establishment that serves things to eat and drink. The weather was gorgeous, and they have an outdoor area, so I made my way to it. I encountered a group of women I knew, so I said hello and chatted for a few moments, noticing at least two empty seats. When it became apparent they were not going to invite me to join them, I awkwardly moved away to sit by myself. 

Reflecting on this experience, I imagine what might be said if I shared it at an Al-Anon meeting. The principle of detachment would surely be brought up. To stay emotionally healthy, it helps to take a step back, take note of our feelings, accept them, and then respond rather than react. 

It's my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt, so it isn't hard for me to think that maybe I shouldn't take it personally. After all, these ladies were celebrating a special occasion, and it may not have occurred to them to ask me to join them. But it's also my nature to give people multiple chances, to give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again, sometimes to the extreme of denial about the reality of things. Let's just say this wasn't the first time I'd had occasion to feel unwelcome by members of this group. 

Another likely Al-Anon response would be that my expectations were what led to my feelings of embarrassment and disappointment. To be sure, our expectations can get us into trouble. But the question to ask then is whether or not our expectations are reasonable. Is it reasonable to expect fellow Christians to extend hospitality? I believe that there are sins of omission. Jesus tells us in Scripture that we will be judged for what we fail to do for others, which we have ultimatley failed to do for him.

I've had friends who have taught me by their gracious example how to be a good friend, and I've had people in my life who remind me of how I don't wish to be. I can learn from disappointing experiences to not become complacent and assume that I'm being a good Christian neighbor. In the Catholic Faith we are encouraged to make a regular examination of conscience. This offense I'm feeling reminds me to humbly search out my own shortcomings, confess them, and make amends for them.

I'm reminding myself that God works all things for the good if we let him, so my task now is to learn from this experience and move forward in a strengthened, more confident manner. Later last night I was watching a youtube video about reinventing yourself, and a charming Irishwoman suggested that step one to a brand new you is to find a new tribe. I don't think this is a coincidence. Instead of wondering why these folks don't want me in their tribe, I can focus on those friends who do. The Irishwoman remarked that we need to remove people from our lives who don't support us and make us feel good about ourselves, even if we can't put a finger on why that is.

Without resentment but with Christian detachment, I can draw boundaries. Whenever you shift your perspective and decide to accept the dignity that Christ gives you, a subtle shift in your personality will be felt by others. If you change yourself, your relationships will necessarily change. I can love my neighbor without damaging myself.

I am not obliged to trip all over myself trying to be accepted by anyone. I'm called upon to be a woman of grace, which does not include continuing to extend friendship which results in my feeling repeatedly rejected. I might even be told in an Al-Anon meeting that it isn't any of my business why I was excluded, why a certain individual or group of people doesn't want to be in close relationship with me. 

So instead of worrying whether or not someone likes you, or why they once liked you but have since excluded you from their intimate circle, let go of the need to know. If God wants you to know, he'll give you the answer. If other people want you to know, they'll tell you. If they don't reach out to resolve whatever the conflict may or may not be, that's on them. Keep the focus on yourself and your relationship with the Father whose beautiful, cherished daughter you truly are. And if you need a woman friend who will never, ever let you down, look to Mary, the Blessed Mother of Our Lord.

Not Any of My Business?

art by Sheila Diemert

It has been years since I've written in this blog, and I had actually forgotten all about it! I think what triggered my memory was a recent conversation with someone who said to me, "That's none of your business." The person in question is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I encountered this phrase when I was active in Al-Anon. I found it very freeing to consider that if something was none of my business, I didn't have to do anything about it! I could just set my worry aside and go on with my life. 

But when this particular person says this to me, which he occasionally does, he's missing a vital consideration. It's none of his business to decide what is or is not anyone else's business! I once had an Al-Anon sponsor who was also in AA, and she used, "That's none of your business" as a pat answer to some of the concerns I brought to her for help. Again, there was something truly liberating about that. And I'm sure her intention as my sponsor was to help me to sort out what was and wasn't my concern. Yet she also referred to her sponsees as her "babies." I always thought that was just, yuck. And I still do. 

A better approach if you want to help someone with discernment regarding what is one's "stuff" to own and what is the possession of another, would be to simply and humbly ask, "Do you think that's truly your business, or do think that's something you can't control or change?" Because ultimately, a healthy person has to sort those boundaries for himself, and it's a disservice to categorically decide for someone else what does and doesn't constitute his or her business. Merely stating as a pat response, that's none of your business, doesn't strike me as an honest effort to listen to and support the other's feelings in a heartfelt way. It isn't taking the time to guide a soul in pain or anxiety to a place of peace and right thinking. 

I set a boundary the last time this easy-out, insensitive statement was made, by pointing out very assertively (maybe too assertively) that he wasn't in charge of deciding for me what is or isn't my business. Unfortunately, I also attacked AA as a fake religion, and I realize this was uncharitable. But I went on to explain that the 12 Steps are clearly based upon Catholicism with certain changes, and that I see the dangers in the "twist" the 12 Step programs put on the Truth of Christianity and the sacraments established by Jesus and his Church. 

For example, the 12 Step tradition of having a sponsor comes from the Catholic tradition of working with a spiritual director. Catholic spiritual directors are specially trained to perform this service. In the case of a program like AA, members might share at meetings if they are available to be a sponsor, and those needing a sponsor choose someone to ask. Being a sponsor is a huge responsibility, yet anyone can be one. There is no criteria or training for holding this position. A bad sponsor could do great harm, and there is no authoritative body in place to deal with the issues that may arise. I have seen many a soul being misguided by fellow members of 12 Step programs, who sometimes reflect values contrary to the Christian Faith, or even just plainly lack the skills, morals, and wisdom to finesse a delicate situation constituting grave matter. 

And so the Catholic Church continues to help me to see that there is only one place to ultimately seek the Truth. 12 Step groups may be harmful or helpful, and that's not my business to decide for anyone else. As for me, I've found the country where my soul can rest. 

R.C.I.A.

This coming Sunday I will go to RCIA a half hour early for an "interview" to discuss how I feel about the process of formal initiation into the Catholic Church so far. There are many things I like about the group, such as alternating teachers every week, the sharing of religious and human experiences, and the deepening of my understanding regarding Catholic teaching. Just as with 12 Step groups such as Al-Anon, there are many different personalities that form the group whole. Our director has made a point to stress that we must be patient with each other, that every person is at a unique place on his or her spiritual path. So far I have not felt particularly bothered by anyone's personality. If I occasionally am, I chalk it up to my own mood!

That being said, some teachers are better, or at least resonate more with me, than others. Some stick to the topic at hand, while others seem barely to associate what they are teaching to the subject matter. Some teachers are more skilled leaders and keep idle chit chat to a minimum, while others allow one tangent after another. In some cases, I wish we would go more deeply into the topic, but most of the teachers supply handouts in addition to the official RCIA guidebook. We are expected to read the relevant material ahead of time in the primary book and be prepared to ask questions. Most of us have asked very good questions, and the answers from the staff are very instructive. I have especially liked how the program relates our personal lives to the workings of the Church, such as comparing family traditions to liturgical ones.

When the parish pastor taught two of the classes, it was so interesting and informative that we ran a half hour over schedule! I did not mind the extra time at all, but my husband was concerned with how late I was getting home. I told the director that I would need to leave on time, as I wanted my husband to remain feeling positive toward my faith journey. I was able to set that boundary kindly and make it particular to myself, rather than insisting that the class always needed to end when it was supposed to. She completely understood, and our class has finished on schedule since.

There is no pressure to stay with the group. We will have three opportunities to make the decision about whether to continue, and up till the end, we can make the decision not to formally join the Church. I have no doubt that at the Easter Vigil in March, I will find myself overjoyed, taking my First Communion and being welcomed into the arms of Holy Mother Church.

Mater Ecclesiae mosaic