Suffering and Detachment

I often heard someone say in the rooms of Al-Anon, "Pain is inevitable, but I don't have to suffer."  Many such sayings are declared with authority, and they sound true and so are heartily adopted as fact. Since becoming Catholic, especially in this season of Lent, I have been reading a lot about suffering and its place in Christian life. The definition of suffering is "the bearing of pain or distress."  Suffering perhaps sounds more dramatic than pain, and so what the Al-Anon person means is that intense pain can be avoided, and suffering is not at all necessary. Yet the Church teaches that Jesus suffered, and we are to imitate Jesus. Not that we cause ourselves to suffer on purpose, but that the events in Jesus' life are meant to be connected to the events in our lives. "So I am to forgive as Jesus forgave, heal as Jesus healed, love as Jesus loved, pray as Jesus prayed, deal with suffering as Jesus dealt with suffering, accept the Father's will as Jesus accepted the Father's will, rise from the dead as Jesus rose from the dead" (The Little Black Book 2012, emphasis mine). Suffering is a part of the journey.

Just where did this idea come from that those recovering from the effects of another person's addiction have no need of suffering? This idea is expressed in Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL). I believe it relates to another Al-Anon concept, detachment, and in particular a misunderstanding of this difficult practice. Detachment might more accurately be described as non-attachment, a tenet of the Buddhist tradition. Al-Anon literature does teach that one needs to feel one's feelings, as a person suffering the effects of another's addiction may have lost touch with his emotions and become numb. But detachment is often touted as the most effective way to cope, while leaving an ambiguous notion as to what this means. I do not claim to thoroughly grasp it myself.

New members are often encouraged to read all the pages on detachment in the literature first. The problem is that non-attachment is a spiritual state not easily or automatically achieved, and in my opinion, the literature does not adequately relate the complexity of such an endeavor and the high level of spiritual maturity that is required. Perhaps the ideal combination is to feel one's feelings, and then become aware of them enough to identify what they are and where they are coming from; from that point one might achieve a certain level of distancing oneself from the problem of another's addiction.

Detachment is described as separating oneself emotionally from the distressing behaviors of the alcoholic and keeping the focus on oneself. I would suggest something a bit different. While it is advantageous to step away from the alcoholism of another, both physically and emotionally, as well as one can, our focus should instead be on Jesus first rather than on ourselves. Only then can we discern what is and is not our own business.

One works through suffering as part of working out one's salvation. Yes, we do work out our salvation, as the New Testament teaches. Prayer, meditation on the life and words of Jesus, Bible study, church attendance, practice of the sacraments, faith, hope, good works, humility, forgiveness, compassion, and the Christian love called charity are all steps on the Paths to Grace. You also have the opportunity to offer your suffering up for the blessing of another.

Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by attachment, which is the result of a feeling of separation that makes one grasp for things and other people, as opposed to awareness of the unity of existence. Happiness, therefore, is the elimination of suffering. Detachment (or nonattachment) can be a useful tool as relates to coping with a distressing situation in the moment but should not be used to deny the truth of one's suffering. Rather, we can detach by way of letting go and letting God, and by understanding that we are not the sum total of our momentary thoughts and feelings.

I believe that joy in the Lord is our goal rather than constant happiness, which is not attainable, as suffering is not likely to be eliminated; but the awareness that we are all connected to God and to one another is a great spiritual truth. I am not Buddhist nor do I know a great deal about this religion. While I may not agree with some of the teachings, there can still be something learned from the light at work in other traditions.

Christianity also teaches unity; that is, unity through membership in the mystical Body of Christ, the Church. Unity is in Christ's blood, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and adoption into the family of God the Father Almighty. Suffering is sometimes part of that path to unity. Running away from suffering, which could result from detachment (though it is not supposed to), is not part of the Christian path. But surely we do not want to go down the drain with the alcoholic? No, we don't, but we are not powerless to align our will with God's and therefore to be lifted up with Jesus in the Ascension. Detachment in its purest sense is part of the Christian contemplative practice. It is replacing our obsessive attachments to other people and things with attachment to God alone and adherence to His will. We will still have human attachments, and many are healthy, such as the bond between a mother and her infant. But these are governed by the law of Divine Love.

So where does this leave us in regard to suffering? If you are married to an alcoholic, you are joined in a sacramental bond of unity. You are, in a certain way, one person. It is foolish to imagine that you will not experience suffering. Likewise, if one of your children is an addict, you will surely undergo tremendous pain. But joy is possible even in the midst of suffering. Suffering can be a purifying, spiritual experience that brings one closer to a life of holiness. Your joy is in the Lord, and suffering does not diminish that. Suffering gets you on your knees, saying, "Behold, the handmaid of the Lord." And then the Lord will walk us through it, and we will emerge into the Light.

The Annunciation of the Angel Gabriel to Mary