When "You Can Sit with Us" Doesn't Happen

A few years ago I found a T-shirt for my daughter featuring the minions from the movie, "Despicable Me" with a caption that said, "YOU CAN SIT WITH US." I didn't actually know what it meant; I just knew she would love it. When my husband asked what it meant, I told him I thought it had something to do with the anti-bullying movement. Now I think that what it best signifies is the Christian concept of hospitality and inclusiveness.

We are a homeschooling family, and my daughter took a la carte art and gym classes at a Catholic school when she was younger. She stayed for lunch after the classes. One day when I picked her up, she proudly told me a story. A lone boy was being left out by the other boys in the cafeteria, so the girls invited the outcast to sit with them! 

We expect issues like this to happen with children. But what do you do if it happens among adults, and you are the one not being invited to "sit with us"?

This is exactly what occurred to me yesterday. After I dropped my daughter off at her church youth group, I went to an establishment that serves things to eat and drink. The weather was gorgeous, and they have an outdoor area, so I made my way to it. I encountered a group of women I knew, so I said hello and chatted for a few moments, noticing at least two empty seats. When it became apparent they were not going to invite me to join them, I awkwardly moved away to sit by myself. 

Reflecting on this experience, I imagine what might be said if I shared it at an Al-Anon meeting. The principle of detachment would surely be brought up. To stay emotionally healthy, it helps to take a step back, take note of our feelings, accept them, and then respond rather than react. 

It's my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt, so it isn't hard for me to think that maybe I shouldn't take it personally. After all, these ladies were celebrating a special occasion, and it may not have occurred to them to ask me to join them. But it's also my nature to give people multiple chances, to give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again, sometimes to the extreme of denial about the reality of things. Let's just say this wasn't the first time I'd had occasion to feel unwelcome by members of this group. 

Another likely Al-Anon response would be that my expectations were what led to my feelings of embarrassment and disappointment. To be sure, our expectations can get us into trouble. But the question to ask then is whether or not our expectations are reasonable. Is it reasonable to expect fellow Christians to extend hospitality? I believe that there are sins of omission. Jesus tells us in Scripture that we will be judged for what we fail to do for others, which we have ultimatley failed to do for him.

I've had friends who have taught me by their gracious example how to be a good friend, and I've had people in my life who remind me of how I don't wish to be. I can learn from disappointing experiences to not become complacent and assume that I'm being a good Christian neighbor. In the Catholic Faith we are encouraged to make a regular examination of conscience. This offense I'm feeling reminds me to humbly search out my own shortcomings, confess them, and make amends for them.

I'm reminding myself that God works all things for the good if we let him, so my task now is to learn from this experience and move forward in a strengthened, more confident manner. Later last night I was watching a youtube video about reinventing yourself, and a charming Irishwoman suggested that step one to a brand new you is to find a new tribe. I don't think this is a coincidence. Instead of wondering why these folks don't want me in their tribe, I can focus on those friends who do. The Irishwoman remarked that we need to remove people from our lives who don't support us and make us feel good about ourselves, even if we can't put a finger on why that is.

Without resentment but with Christian detachment, I can draw boundaries. Whenever you shift your perspective and decide to accept the dignity that Christ gives you, a subtle shift in your personality will be felt by others. If you change yourself, your relationships will necessarily change. I can love my neighbor without damaging myself.

I am not obliged to trip all over myself trying to be accepted by anyone. I'm called upon to be a woman of grace, which does not include continuing to extend friendship which results in my feeling repeatedly rejected. I might even be told in an Al-Anon meeting that it isn't any of my business why I was excluded, why a certain individual or group of people doesn't want to be in close relationship with me. 

So instead of worrying whether or not someone likes you, or why they once liked you but have since excluded you from their intimate circle, let go of the need to know. If God wants you to know, he'll give you the answer. If other people want you to know, they'll tell you. If they don't reach out to resolve whatever the conflict may or may not be, that's on them. Keep the focus on yourself and your relationship with the Father whose beautiful, cherished daughter you truly are. And if you need a woman friend who will never, ever let you down, look to Mary, the Blessed Mother of Our Lord.

Not Any of My Business?

art by Sheila Diemert

It has been years since I've written in this blog, and I had actually forgotten all about it! I think what triggered my memory was a recent conversation with someone who said to me, "That's none of your business." The person in question is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I encountered this phrase when I was active in Al-Anon. I found it very freeing to consider that if something was none of my business, I didn't have to do anything about it! I could just set my worry aside and go on with my life. 

But when this particular person says this to me, which he occasionally does, he's missing a vital consideration. It's none of his business to decide what is or is not anyone else's business! I once had an Al-Anon sponsor who was also in AA, and she used, "That's none of your business" as a pat answer to some of the concerns I brought to her for help. Again, there was something truly liberating about that. And I'm sure her intention as my sponsor was to help me to sort out what was and wasn't my concern. Yet she also referred to her sponsees as her "babies." I always thought that was just, yuck. And I still do. 

A better approach if you want to help someone with discernment regarding what is one's "stuff" to own and what is the possession of another, would be to simply and humbly ask, "Do you think that's truly your business, or do think that's something you can't control or change?" Because ultimately, a healthy person has to sort those boundaries for himself, and it's a disservice to categorically decide for someone else what does and doesn't constitute his or her business. Merely stating as a pat response, that's none of your business, doesn't strike me as an honest effort to listen to and support the other's feelings in a heartfelt way. It isn't taking the time to guide a soul in pain or anxiety to a place of peace and right thinking. 

I set a boundary the last time this easy-out, insensitive statement was made, by pointing out very assertively (maybe too assertively) that he wasn't in charge of deciding for me what is or isn't my business. Unfortunately, I also attacked AA as a fake religion, and I realize this was uncharitable. But I went on to explain that the 12 Steps are clearly based upon Catholicism with certain changes, and that I see the dangers in the "twist" the 12 Step programs put on the Truth of Christianity and the sacraments established by Jesus and his Church. 

For example, the 12 Step tradition of having a sponsor comes from the Catholic tradition of working with a spiritual director. Catholic spiritual directors are specially trained to perform this service. In the case of a program like AA, members might share at meetings if they are available to be a sponsor, and those needing a sponsor choose someone to ask. Being a sponsor is a huge responsibility, yet anyone can be one. There is no criteria or training for holding this position. A bad sponsor could do great harm, and there is no authoritative body in place to deal with the issues that may arise. I have seen many a soul being misguided by fellow members of 12 Step programs, who sometimes reflect values contrary to the Christian Faith, or even just plainly lack the skills, morals, and wisdom to finesse a delicate situation constituting grave matter. 

And so the Catholic Church continues to help me to see that there is only one place to ultimately seek the Truth. 12 Step groups may be harmful or helpful, and that's not my business to decide for anyone else. As for me, I've found the country where my soul can rest. 

Unacceptable Behavior

"...persons must authentically relate to other persons. Forum members related experiences of the sting of judgmentalism aimed at them and at others. As one woman pointed out, what is needed is hospitality. This is not merely having pals over for tea. Hospitality includes the ability to look at someone who is completely not you, and to communicate 'I accept you.' I accept you, regardless of your political views, I accept you regardless of your age or marital status, your history. I accept you, regardless of how or whether you express any faith in Christ, and despite any obvious sins you may be in the midst of. I accept you."   --from a blog post at Naru Hodo

I have been following an online group discussion amongst Catholics about how a forced sense of community in parishes creates tension, and those particular buzzwords that grate upon the nerves (such as "faith journey" and "church community"). The conclusion was that the nature of the discomfort is a perceived lack of authenticity. The above quote is a lovely comment on the deeper meaning of hospitality as an antidote to false piety. This really resonated with me and how it relates to the 12 Step concept of acceptance. One of the first steps to recovery is accepting the reality of what is happening in one's life, whether that be an admittance of one's own alcoholism or acceptance of the alcoholism of a loved one. Acceptance extends to the character defects of others and to one's particular life situation and struggles, whatever they may be. Only after accepting the things we cannot change can we summon the courage to change the things we can, and to arrive at a place of wisdom and discernment.

There is a flip side to this coin however, and it is one that always bothered me about the 12 Step program, in particular Al-Anon, of which I was a member for 10 years. It was the idea that we do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. On the surface this sounds empowering. It might seem obvious that certain things, such as domestic violence, would be considered unacceptable. Yet there were those in the 12 Step groups that continued to willingly live in an abusive situation. In reality, there was no yardstick to guide one in determining what should or should not be tolerated, as there is no governing body, creed, or authoritative moral compass inherent to these groups.

It was acknowledged that what is considered unacceptable for one person would be different for someone else and was left at that. While a certain level of subjectivity is to be expected, in hindsight I can easily see how determining that someone else's behavior is unacceptable can stem from a lack of humility and the temptation to judge and harshly criticize others for not meeting your standards. People often tend to appoint themselves as the police of what is and is not appropriate behavior. This attitude negates the "Live and Let Live" slogan of 12 Step philosophy and undermines the goal of acceptance, which has at it's heart empathy, compassion, and unconditional love, both for ourselves and for others.

The temptation to control, censor, and silence the ideas, opinions, and personalities of other people is tremendous and can only be overcome by God's grace. This is why the 12 Step program, though spiritual in nature, was not enough on its own to provide the healing I needed. The great gift the Catholic Church has given me is the recognition that I was depending too much upon the acceptance and approval of others, and if I didn't free myself from this crazy-making merry-go-round, I would never have serenity. In the Church I found the Truth for which I had been seeking. As long as I am under Mary's mantle, I can proceed with confidence and live my life authentically, with the hope that some day I will truly be able to see Christ in every face.

Ecclesia

Do I Offend?

 Andie and the Duck Man

(Molly Ringwald and John Crier)

"Do I offend?"  This movie line, spoken by John Crier's Duck Man character in Pretty in Pink, popped into my head recently when I was worried that I might have offended a friend.  Later in the day after getting together with her, I began to imagine that she might not have liked a comment I made.  She hadn't acted offended at all, and at the time of our conversation no warning bells went off to signal that I had just put my foot in my mouth.  I debated whether or not to bring it up.  Might I only make it worse?  I knew I shouldn't worry about one sentence uttered over a period of hours, yet I finally sent an email telling her I didn't mean to be offensive, to which she responded with surprise, because she wasn't upset at all, and in fact agreed with what I had said.

The Duck Man asks his question as he sniffs under his arm pits, and from my memory he emphasizes a long "o" in offend.  In fact, he emphasizes the whole word.  His attitude suggests that it is the person offended by him who really has the problem.

I think that those of us who have suffered the effects of alcoholism (or other mental/emotional/spiritual disorders), whether being the primary sufferer or the loved one of that person, may become fearful, even paranoid, that something about us stinks.  A person once tried to convince me of both my friendlessness and my husband's.  She had a problem with me, and as proof of something being inherently wrong with me, she brought others into the mix.  She gave one particular name, a long time, close friend of mine, so I asked my friend point blank if it was true.  While my friend had been concerned about me because of problems I was experiencing with the active alcoholism of a loved one, she did not have any personal issue with me, and in fact felt good about our friendship.  We all have bouts of being difficult for others, but that doesn't mean we are in need of radical intervention.

Now we can see that the instigator of this situation put my friend in an awkward position.  Whatever my friend had said, she did not expect her expression of concern for me to be used in a personal attack.  At any rate, I started to assume that people would not like me or want to be my friend because of my figurative "bad odor".  This was a reaction that piggy-backed the fear I had already experienced that people would keep a distance if they knew about my alcoholic situation. I had felt isolated from others by my personal hell--that is the nature of the effects of this disease.  I realize today that the person who found me so offensive was deep in her own pain and distress and was taking it out on me, maybe even projecting her own feelings of friendlessness.  I do not feel resentful, but gosh, wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to undergo such pain?  That wouldn't be real life though, and no one is exempt from suffering.  No one "deserves" perpetual happiness.

I share this story because I realize that I am still affected by these past events in the present.  I am still reacting to this experience and other times when I have been the recipient of unkindness and the withholding of grace.  But since I know how hurtful such attacks can be, I can be more sensitive and kind to others.  I can hold my tongue when I am feeling very emotional.  I can talk to my husband first or a sane friend whose opinion I trust.  Without being overly self-conscious in dealings with others, I can avoid being unnecessarily inflammatory, while at the same time upholding the dignity of my thoughts, wisdom, experience, and feelings.  I can learn how not to act, because I know the extent of the damage of an ill-timed or caustic remark.  I can feel the residual hurt without holding onto it.  I can choose Love. This is of course the ideal situation to aim for, though it is progress, not perfection, that we can expect. We may still fall short of the mark when push comes to shove.

In a way I can't explain, my journey to the Catholic Church is returning me to my authentic personality.  Having a clearer foundation in the Truth as my touchstone, I feel stronger in expressing my opinions and ideas.  My confidence is coming back.  I used to be bold and fearless, and these attributes are resurfacing.  But I also have deeper humility and compassion than I did when I was a younger woman who had a hard time admitting that the other person could be right, that I could be wrong, or that we could both be right about some things and wrong about others.  I feel that now I can stand up for myself, for a belief or a cause, and not walk on eggshells.  I can also do it with more finesse, without such a sharp edge.  Yet there still seems to be that devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear and poking me with his worrywart pitchfork.

The truth is, I have offended people.  Is there anyone who hasn't?  Okay, maybe Mother Mary.  No, she offends people, too.  Jesus really offended people.  Honestly, it kills me when I know I have hurt someone's feelings.  And I don't intend to be offensive and am usually surprised when I get that reaction.  I don't see it coming.  Someone has misunderstood my words, my intentions, my tone of voice, or my meaning.  Sometimes I have not been clear and could have worded my thoughts better.  I think some people simply like being offended.  In college and my early twenties, I sometimes liked to be offended by my boyfriends so I could pick a fight when I was bored with them.  And when they told me I was being overly sensitive, I could be doubly offended!  So I know it's true; some people wallow in deeply offended feelings.

The problem is that you can't possibly know what will offend some people.  There are those offended by dirty jokes, curse words, and the plumber's butt crack.  These might seem to be universally offensive things, but some people love that stuff.  I know a guy who is offended by fat people.  Some are offended by the mention of Jesus, or the voice of President Obama, or commercials for Viagra.  I personally harbor a prejudice against white trash.  Which I guess is racist, too, even though I'm white.  Cigarette butts on the sidewalk in front of a neighbor's house offend me.  But that is my choice to be offended, not the fault of the smoker who has very bad, hillbilly habits.

So my conclusion is that as long as I don't intend to be offensive, then I just can't be overly concerned with how another person might take me.  I think that's why I am so annoyed by the current "just sayin' " trend in which people tack on that phrase to be passive-aggressive, or when they are aware that they are being intentionally offensive but want to cover their behinds.  Either speak your mind or keep it to yourself!  This half-assed, "just sayin' " nonsense offends my sensibilities.  I'm just so sensitive!!

But what do I care if people are wishy-washy Charlie Browns? That's their business.  And it's none of my business what people think of me.  No one should be telling me what someone else said about me (unless it is nice, of course!).  If someone has a problem with me, and he behaves like an adult, he will bring it to my attention himself.  And then I can make amends if necessary and clear up any misunderstanding, or hash out a disagreement, unpleasant as that may be.  It's like our culture is trapped in a long, extended adolescence, and no one teaches that you shouldn't gossip anymore.  Everyone used to know that gossiping was evil.  Now it's the status quo, especially on Facebook.  So is being just plain mean. 

The moral of the story is that I should not have worried that my friend was offended.  If she had been, she would have come to me with it.  And if a friend or relative is offended but does not bring it to my attention, then that may be a friendship I could do without.  Likewise with the person who brings his concern to me wearing war paint and assuming that I had sinister intentions, giving me no benefit of the doubt.  On the other hand, if we know we have been hurtful, then it is our responsibility to own our part in the problem like grown ups.  Sure, the real me may lose some friends along the way.  But she will most likely gain other, and better, companions.  The true blue ones stick around, while the fair weathers are blown about by every wind and will sale off in a ship of their own making.  The circle I have around me will eventually all be Real Rabbits, the more I allow myself to be one. We can love the person who gave us the bad record playing over in our minds even as we throw away the record.  Admit that the record is scratched beyond use and skips endlessly in the same place and just bury it in the ground of Grace.

The Velveteen Rabbit

Humility and Charity

"How might the virtues of humility, mildness, patience, and charity shape our thoughts and actions? First, by humbly striving to recognize the goodness that exists in others with whom we may disagree, even on seemingly fundamental issues, we are able to approach contested issues in a spirit of openness and good faith. Secondly, by practicing true mildness we may maintain a spirit of serenity, avoiding the introduction of a divisive tone or imprudent statements that will offend rather than promote peace and mutual understanding. Thirdly, by true patience we will recognize that in our striving after the arduous good we seek, we must be willing, when necessary, to accept suffering while waiting. Finally, even when we still feel the need to correct our brothers it must be with charity, in the proper time and place."  --Archbishop DiNoia

The archbishop's words say it all, don't they? A spirit of humility is necessary to be able to communicate with others patiently, gently and lovingly. And even then, we may have to accept suffering while we wait for the right time and place and the appropriate disposition in which to approach a brother or sister with a difficult problem. If peace and understanding do not underlie our efforts, then we must set our grievances aside. This is so very difficult, not to lash out, not to immediately assume that we know the intentions of another. Even if we keep our side of the street clean, we may still have to suffer someone else's anger, rejection, hurt feelings, etc...

There are still family relations in my life that have lost a certain level of closeness, where there is uncertainty and tension, while other relationships have come out of the dark night with great progress toward healing, hope and reconciliation. What I have learned is that I can only deal with my own part of the problem and allow others to be responsible for theirs. Sometimes an apology never comes; sometimes a guilty party will not own up to her part in the problem, or the damage she has done in reacting hastily and devoid of charity. I have also become aware that just because someone is a Christian, or goes to church, or has professional experience in an area that one might think would help him to know better how to react or behave, does not mean that person truly has Christ or a firm grasp of spiritual Truth. Intellectually knowing Jesus or having worldly knowledge of any kind does not equal the possession of Wisdom.

Often in Al-Anon meetings a member would acknowledge that a person with whom she was struggling did not have the benefit of the 12 Step program. Even though the help is available, some people are just not ready yet or willing to receive it. That is true not just of the support they might find in a 12 Step group, but the guidance they could be receiving from the Holy Spirit, the Church, or other people if they were humble enough to admit that they needed help, or open enough to consider that they may not be right about those things they have determined to be true. So time and again we return to the Wisdom expressed by the archbishop. We pray for ourselves and others, especially those people that cause us the most grief. We can consecrate ourselves to Jesus through Mary daily, and one day at a time give birth to the God of peace.

New Beginnings

 The Ascension

Happy New Year! I realize I have not been posting here often, and I suppose that is a good sign in regard to my recovery. It is a testimony to how much the Church has helped me to heal from the effects of alcoholism, depression, and mental illness in family members and friends. Interestingly, I find myself strangely not being the object of toxic attacks. Perhaps this is because my aura has changed. I have ceased putting out the signal that I need someone else's approval. I think that if you project the need to be rid of something, and especially if you pray often for it, God gives you more opportunities to fortify your will in accordance with His, to strengthen your faith by allowing adversity to be an answer to prayer. Yes, God does indeed work in mysterious ways! The other side of the coin is that I may be easier to be around, as I become more relaxed in the intense changes that my conversion has brought about. Hopefully I radiate peace, so peace is what I attract.

For example, I was in the presence last night of a person I try not to be around because of his surly disposition. I have in the past been emotionally harmed by him and left feeling very unbalanced. But he talked about the physical pain that he is never free from. Not by virtue of trying to complain about it, but simply that it is a cross he has born for so long that he seems to have come to a state of acceptance about it. Most days it isn't too bad, but sometimes it is terrible, and he lives with it. Who wouldn't be often grouchy in such a situation? He had a softness about him that showed me who he really is under the pain and suffering--a wounded child of God. He is a man of faith, but I couldn't help wishing that he had the Catholic Church to help him on his path to healing. What comfort the Eucharist might bring him, what help might be had by the intercession of the saints. A simple Catholic phrase like, "Offer it up" contains deep, spiritual wisdom. But the most appropriate thing to do in this situation was simply to provide a listening ear and a compassionate heart. It takes courage to share one's suffering. And naturally I will be praying a Rosary for the intention of his healing!

This is a good point of departure for contemplating new beginnings for the New Year. How can we be more understanding and compassionate? How can we let go of the tendency toward judgment and criticism? Most importantly, in what ways can we draw closer to our Lord? Once I have entered into full communion with the Church at the Easter Vigil, I plan to make an act of consecration to Jesus through Mary. Happily, I feel that I have forgiven the trespasses of others, but the sacrament of Confession will keep me taking honest inventory of myself, being sure to forgive myself and others before partaking of Holy Communion. It has been very difficult for me to experience the delay of receiving these sacraments, but I will have my first penance tomorrow! The new year is an opportunity for a clean slate, so make a plan, but realize that you can't go it alone; you need divine assistance. And the plan needs to be flexible, so that you can re-evaluate where you are on the path of your spiritual journey and make adjustments as need be. This is not the time for white-knuckle resolutions, but for contemplation followed by works inspired by the Holy Spirit. Let your motto be "One Day at a Time in 2013".

Grief and the Sorrowful Mysteries

I don't normally like to pray the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Holy Rosary.  But I was grateful for them yesterday when the news of a mass shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut shocked the nation.  Twenty children dead, all of them first graders.  My daughter and I were on our way to the library to meet up with some friends when my husband told me he had heard the breaking story on the radio.  We don't have TV reception, but I watched the coverage on the library's television.  I had brought my Rosary with me, and I began to pray.  Walking through Jesus' agony and brutal death, keeping tight under Mary's mantle, I found comfort.  There was something I could do for the victims and their families and friends, even for the shooter himself.  I could pray.

Reactions to a shocking grief such as this vary.  Some, like me, will cry.  Some will be very angry and want to find someone to blame, some way that what happened could have been controlled, prevented.  Still others will under-react, as if nothing all that big has happened.  There are even those who will take advantage of the horror in order to further a political agenda.  One friend of mine on the social network wanted to know where God was when those children were gunned down.  If someone would explain it to him, he said, he would be in church the next day.  We live in a fallen world.  We have the gift of free will, to choose either to do good or evil.  We want to know why.  But we may never have all the answers.

There may be a day to take political action, to protest against guns or poor school security.  But today is not that day.  Today is a day to mourn, to grieve, to pray.  It may also be a time for contemplation, even the beginning of a radical reorientation.  Some will pull their children out of school and educate them at home.  I am grateful today for the freedom to homeschool in this country, and glad for having made that choice.  But mostly I feel shocked into a deeper reality.  We only have today, and there are many who will no longer be walking this earth by the time the sun goes down.  How we choose to spend each and every waking day does matter.  How we treat one another and our relationship with God is top priority.  If we choose to hate the shooter, or the government, or the laws, or the guns, we miss the point.  The only reality is Love.  That is the only place we can go if life is to have meaning, if we truly want to understand.  Pick up your beads, get down on your knees, and talk to the One who is Eternal Love.  There is your solace, your peace, your strength, and your hope.