A few years ago I found a T-shirt for my daughter featuring the minions from the movie, "Despicable Me" with a caption that said, "YOU CAN SIT WITH US." I didn't actually know what it meant; I just knew she would love it. When my husband asked what it meant, I told him I thought it had something to do with the anti-bullying movement. Now I think that what it best signifies is the Christian concept of hospitality and inclusiveness.
We are a homeschooling family, and my daughter took a la carte art and gym classes at a Catholic school when she was younger. She stayed for lunch after the classes. One day when I picked her up, she proudly told me a story. A lone boy was being left out by the other boys in the cafeteria, so the girls invited the outcast to sit with them!
We expect issues like this to happen with children. But what do you do if it happens among adults, and you are the one not being invited to "sit with us"?
This is exactly what occurred to me yesterday. After I dropped my daughter off at her church youth group, I went to an establishment that serves things to eat and drink. The weather was gorgeous, and they have an outdoor area, so I made my way to it. I encountered a group of women I knew, so I said hello and chatted for a few moments, noticing at least two empty seats. When it became apparent they were not going to invite me to join them, I awkwardly moved away to sit by myself.
Reflecting on this experience, I imagine what might be said if I shared it at an Al-Anon meeting. The principle of detachment would surely be brought up. To stay emotionally healthy, it helps to take a step back, take note of our feelings, accept them, and then respond rather than react.
It's my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt, so it isn't hard for me to think that maybe I shouldn't take it personally. After all, these ladies were celebrating a special occasion, and it may not have occurred to them to ask me to join them. But it's also my nature to give people multiple chances, to give them the benefit of the doubt over and over again, sometimes to the extreme of denial about the reality of things. Let's just say this wasn't the first time I'd had occasion to feel unwelcome by members of this group.
Another likely Al-Anon response would be that my expectations were what led to my feelings of embarrassment and disappointment. To be sure, our expectations can get us into trouble. But the question to ask then is whether or not our expectations are reasonable. Is it reasonable to expect fellow Christians to extend hospitality? I believe that there are sins of omission. Jesus tells us in Scripture that we will be judged for what we fail to do for others, which we have ultimatley failed to do for him.
I've had friends who have taught me by their gracious example how to be a good friend, and I've had people in my life who remind me of how I don't wish to be. I can learn from disappointing experiences to not become complacent and assume that I'm being a good Christian neighbor. In the Catholic Faith we are encouraged to make a regular examination of conscience. This offense I'm feeling reminds me to humbly search out my own shortcomings, confess them, and make amends for them.
I'm reminding myself that God works all things for the good if we let him, so my task now is to learn from this experience and move forward in a strengthened, more confident manner. Later last night I was watching a youtube video about reinventing yourself, and a charming Irishwoman suggested that step one to a brand new you is to find a new tribe. I don't think this is a coincidence. Instead of wondering why these folks don't want me in their tribe, I can focus on those friends who do. The Irishwoman remarked that we need to remove people from our lives who don't support us and make us feel good about ourselves, even if we can't put a finger on why that is.
Without resentment but with Christian detachment, I can draw boundaries. Whenever you shift your perspective and decide to accept the dignity that Christ gives you, a subtle shift in your personality will be felt by others. If you change yourself, your relationships will necessarily change. I can love my neighbor without damaging myself.
I am not obliged to trip all over myself trying to be accepted by anyone. I'm called upon to be a woman of grace, which does not include continuing to extend friendship which results in my feeling repeatedly rejected. I might even be told in an Al-Anon meeting that it isn't any of my business why I was excluded, why a certain individual or group of people doesn't want to be in close relationship with me.
So instead of worrying whether or not someone likes you, or why they once liked you but have since excluded you from their intimate circle, let go of the need to know. If God wants you to know, he'll give you the answer. If other people want you to know, they'll tell you. If they don't reach out to resolve whatever the conflict may or may not be, that's on them. Keep the focus on yourself and your relationship with the Father whose beautiful, cherished daughter you truly are. And if you need a woman friend who will never, ever let you down, look to Mary, the Blessed Mother of Our Lord.
No comments:
Post a Comment