Unacceptable Behavior

"...persons must authentically relate to other persons. Forum members related experiences of the sting of judgmentalism aimed at them and at others. As one woman pointed out, what is needed is hospitality. This is not merely having pals over for tea. Hospitality includes the ability to look at someone who is completely not you, and to communicate 'I accept you.' I accept you, regardless of your political views, I accept you regardless of your age or marital status, your history. I accept you, regardless of how or whether you express any faith in Christ, and despite any obvious sins you may be in the midst of. I accept you."   --from a blog post at Naru Hodo

I have been following an online group discussion amongst Catholics about how a forced sense of community in parishes creates tension, and those particular buzzwords that grate upon the nerves (such as "faith journey" and "church community"). The conclusion was that the nature of the discomfort is a perceived lack of authenticity. The above quote is a lovely comment on the deeper meaning of hospitality as an antidote to false piety. This really resonated with me and how it relates to the 12 Step concept of acceptance. One of the first steps to recovery is accepting the reality of what is happening in one's life, whether that be an admittance of one's own alcoholism or acceptance of the alcoholism of a loved one. Acceptance extends to the character defects of others and to one's particular life situation and struggles, whatever they may be. Only after accepting the things we cannot change can we summon the courage to change the things we can, and to arrive at a place of wisdom and discernment.

There is a flip side to this coin however, and it is one that always bothered me about the 12 Step program, in particular Al-Anon, of which I was a member for 10 years. It was the idea that we do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. On the surface this sounds empowering. It might seem obvious that certain things, such as domestic violence, would be considered unacceptable. Yet there were those in the 12 Step groups that continued to willingly live in an abusive situation. In reality, there was no yardstick to guide one in determining what should or should not be tolerated, as there is no governing body, creed, or authoritative moral compass inherent to these groups.

It was acknowledged that what is considered unacceptable for one person would be different for someone else and was left at that. While a certain level of subjectivity is to be expected, in hindsight I can easily see how determining that someone else's behavior is unacceptable can stem from a lack of humility and the temptation to judge and harshly criticize others for not meeting your standards. People often tend to appoint themselves as the police of what is and is not appropriate behavior. This attitude negates the "Live and Let Live" slogan of 12 Step philosophy and undermines the goal of acceptance, which has at it's heart empathy, compassion, and unconditional love, both for ourselves and for others.

The temptation to control, censor, and silence the ideas, opinions, and personalities of other people is tremendous and can only be overcome by God's grace. This is why the 12 Step program, though spiritual in nature, was not enough on its own to provide the healing I needed. The great gift the Catholic Church has given me is the recognition that I was depending too much upon the acceptance and approval of others, and if I didn't free myself from this crazy-making merry-go-round, I would never have serenity. In the Church I found the Truth for which I had been seeking. As long as I am under Mary's mantle, I can proceed with confidence and live my life authentically, with the hope that some day I will truly be able to see Christ in every face.

Ecclesia