St. Therese on Self-Defense

"When we are misunderstood and judged unfavorably, what good does it do to defend or explain ourselves? Let the matter drop and say nothing. It's so much better to say nothing and allow others to judge us as they please! We don't see in the Gospel where Mary explained herself when her sister accused her of remaining at Jesus' feet, doing nothing! She didn't say: 'Oh, Martha, if you only knew the joy I am experiencing, if you only heard the words I hear! And besides, it's Jesus who told me to remain here.' No, she preferred to remain silent. O blessed silence that gives so much peace to souls!"  -- St. Therese of Lisieux

 St. Therese of Lisieux, Doctor of the Church

When I read the above quote, I was amazed. It sounded just like advice I had learned in Al-Anon! But Therese lived only 24 years, from 1873-1897, way before the term "alcoholism" existed, certainly before there were any 12 step groups. If someone wanted to know the meaning of detachment, I would point him to St. Therese. But she was a saint, one of the most beloved of all time, we might argue. She is called the "Little Flower of Jesus", for heaven's sake. What hope have we of emulating this French Carmelite nun? But if we want to recover, to be at peace, to live life on our own terms, what choice do we have but to walk the path of the Little Flower? One thing we can do right now is to pray for her intercession! Search your library or the internet and read about this remarkable woman who became so holy is such a short while. She had much more to say.

Notice that Therese's attitude in no way sounds defensive. There is a lightness, just like we perceive in Mary of Bethany. We are not obligated to justify ourselves to anyone, nor to defend ourselves in any way. Defending against a thing makes it real. Therese's (and Mary of Bethany's) only reality was Jesus.

 Mary of Bethany

Much of the time, it is not other people who disappoint us; it is our expectations of them. For example, Renee is hurt because her mother compares her unfavorably to her siblings. She does not live up to her mother's expectations of her. When Renee then feels defensive, she may become unkind, or she may scramble to do the thing that she thinks will satisfy her mother. Such responses will inevitably backfire, and Renee will be living her life to please someone else, or she will behave in a way that makes her not feel good about herself. She will undercut her own self-worth by allowing her mother to find fault with her. Instead, Renee must face the painful truth that she is not unconditionally valued and accepted by her mother, respond as kindly as she can, and resist the urge to be a people pleaser. She must let go of her expectations that her mother will accept her exactly as she is.

Everyone is different, and Renee need not be like her brother or her sister. She only has to be the best Renee that she can be. Competition forced upon siblings, and favoritism shown by a parent, is no less harmful to adults than it is to children. If she takes the advice of St. Therese, Renee can see more clearly that insidious family merry-go-round and walk in the opposite direction, not in a state of anger, grief, or anxiety, but like a child through a field of wildflowers, the breeze playing in her hair.

Becoming like St. Therese and Mary of Bethany is not easy. But if we walk the path of holiness, how can we go wrong? We are the apple of our Father's eye, the beloved of our Blessed Mother. We are all seeds waiting to become Little Flowers. We don't have to respond to the accusations and expectations of others. We can just be. We can wait. We can pray. We can abide in sacred silence and trust that all will be well, if only we let go, empty ourselves, and allow ourselves to be filled with the light of Holy Wisdom--to be free.

A Woman Scorned: On Setting Boundaries

Last night a drunk man said something disrespectful to me.  He failed to honor me and uphold the dignity of my womanhood.  In such cases Al-Anon would recommend the setting of boundaries, refusing to accept unacceptable behavior, having the courage to change the things we can.  Here's what happened.  Before I knew it, the words "How dare you!" flew out of my mouth, and I slapped him--hard--across the face.

This is not the Al-Anon way.  And I don't necessarily advise such actions.  Nor do I necessarily discourage them.  An intoxicated alcoholic is not going to hear, "I don't like it when you say such things to me," no matter how assertively you say it.  There is room in recovery for the honest, gut reaction.  Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a woman scorned, the old adage goes.  It is never a good idea to hit a physically abusive person. You could really get hurt if he retaliates.  But if he is not in a rage, but is rather in a docile but assinine state, the result of a firm slap, as in this case, could be stunned silence and the restoration of some humility.  Such a slap is shorthand for, "Show some respect!"  It was better than throwing myself into a screaming fit.  This was a relatively calm slap, done with some semblance of control.  It isn't easy to make an impression on a drunk man.  Of course, the mature, Christian, Twelve Step response would be to just simply walk away from the situation and discuss it when the man is sober.  That is what I officially advise.  But let me tell you a story.

The last time I slapped a man was 20 (or so) years ago.  I was dating a frat boy in college, and we went to an organized fraternity party, a dance with food, where the guys brought dates.  This was a respectable event, but everyone was drinking.  Well, I had had problems with a member of the fraternity, Haus, for a long time.  He was always picking on me, and he started up again that night.  Now, Haus was a big guy, intimidating.  But my natural, woman-scorned instinct was to haul off and slap that big bully across the shit-eating grin on his face.  I had had enough, and enough is enough.  Haus said nothing.  He was stunned.  And he never bullied me again.  In fact, he bragged about me to anyone who would listen.  He admired me, and we became friends.  A woman with a little bit of Elizabeth Taylor bombshell in her is not a bad thing.  To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.  Perhaps there is even a time for a good, hard slap across the face.

 Liz Taylor

A Sense of Place

A family member visiting my house recently wondered what on earth I like about living in my home town village. Those enjoying the benefits of city or suburban life might be baffled by the decision to leave it all behind for the slower paced lifestyle of a small town. Members of 12 Step programs are warned not to count on a "geographic solution" to one's problems, and I agree, at least in part. Wherever you go, there you are, and your problems with addiction, or marital turmoil, or tensions with family members will not just disappear because you change location.

In fact, some problems could be even worse. I moved here instead of to the city where my family of origin lives, and that is now apparently a soar spot. But here in my home town I have many extended family members, and family was something I really missed while living in Columbus. Also, friends were very spread out all over the city, so it would take about 20 minutes to drive to see anyone, often in congested traffic, and it wasn't feasible therefore to just drop in on someone. You might drive all that way and find them not at home! Making plans around people's hectic schedules was difficult. So while we lived among millions, we felt isolated.

A sense of place and community can be found in a small town. It is safer, cleaner, and much, much more quiet. Nature is available in mere minutes, and we know that time in nature is crucial to well being and good health. And we do have culture. We aren't just a bunch of hicks! My town opened an ArtSpace to feature local artists and offer a place for entertainment and education. The county fair grounds are in my town, and so is the county Historical Society. History and genealogy are popular cultural interests here. The cost of living is also much lower. The historic home I live in here would have been half a million dollars in Columbus. And our Parks and Recreation department and library provide many wonderful programs for children and adults at affordable prices.

It is in this town that all of my grandparents live, and that alone would be a good enough reason to be here. But in addition, I met Mary, Mother of my Lord, in this town. I found the Catholic Church and finally feel that I am experiencing the fullness of the Christian faith. We are part of a homeschooling community, and the Vintage Homes Club, and I am the secretary for our chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution. I teach belly dancing, which I most likely would not have done in the city, and my troupe is enthusiastically received everywhere we perform. We have very good friends who we spend quality time with. The neighborhood children flock to my house!

Life is fuller, richer, and more meaningful for having moved to an area with a strong sense of place, of history, of belonging. There have been bumps in the road, to be sure. Sometimes people, especially family, can become a little too involved in my life, and they do not realize that after living away for decades, they do not know me the way they think they do, and vice versa. Relationships take time, effort, compassion, and understanding to develop and grow. And there are those who live here and do not have much of a life, so other people's business becomes too much of a focus. Nowhere is perfect. But sometimes the geographic solution to problems is not such a bad idea. Some places resonate with us. They feel like home.

Taking Inventory

In Al-Anon members are often warned not to "take someone else's inventory." This is a reference to Step 4, in which we make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. There are various ways to accomplish this, including a Step 4 booklet. Another way is to list all of one's favorable characteristics and accomplishments, as well as one's defects of character and mistakes. The inventory is to be balanced between the good and the bad. This is a valuable practice, since we often neglect to acknowledge our strengths and to be honest with ourselves about our weaknesses. But today I question how accurately we can take our own inventory without a moral yardstick. What are we measuring the "good" and the "bad" against? If Jesus isn't the yardstick, then the practice will be questionable at best.

Also, who am I to judge? Looked at in different ways, a personality trait could be labeled either as, say,  leadership skills or bossiness, depending on who is doing the observing, and depending on the situation. The Army captain may be bossy, but if he is yelling at a soldier in order to avoid a bomb, the failure of the soldier to obey may result in his death. Rather than trying to rid oneself of a "defect of character", perhaps the better goal is to transform any trait so that it best serves God. A person with anger issues could learn to channel that energy into fighting an evil, such as social injustice, war or abortion. God can use us just as we are.

Taking another person's inventory is a seductive prospect. God has clearly cast himself as the only judge. Only He knows someone's heart. Yet He does want us to take action to protect the weak and bring people to Him. We do not see suspicious bruises on a child and turn our eyes away. We do not ignore hate crimes, political corruption, or the destruction of the environment. God has given us the task of stewardship, and we must take it seriously. We are required to forgive and to not take into account a wrong suffered. At the same time, our relationships may have to change if we are to keep ourselves and our families from harm, and in order to live a holy life. When we continue to pray and to turn our struggles and suffering over to the care of God, we will be led in the right direction. It is okay to not take action for a time, to patiently wait for God to reveal the next right thing.

If someone is taking your inventory, be aware that you are being asked to get back on the merry-go-round. You can tell this is happening if the person is not putting grace first. They may be right, they may have a good point to make. You may, indeed, have done or said something hurtful. If that is the case, take time to consider what the person has said, and make amends as need be. If you have a complaint against your brother or sister, pray first, and then speak your peace with grace. If you are neither giving nor receiving grace, then the conversation needs to be set aside for another time, lest more harm be done.

This leads me to a consideration of grace. Just what is this mysterious thing, and how does it work? That is a topic soon to come...

A Religious Approach to Recovery

Twelve step groups such as AA are sometimes criticized for being religious programs. An atheist who joins Alcoholics Anonymous may feel like he is being told that he doesn't have to prescribe to any particular religious beliefs, but at the same time he must believe in some sort of Higher Power, God is intrinsic to the program, and the Lord's Prayer is said at meetings. I want to be clear here that my approach to recovery is not only religious, but is specifically Christian, and Catholic in particular. That is not to say that Protestant Christians or people of other faiths could not apply Paths of Grace to their lives. I just want to clarify what this spiritual path is all about for me.

I'm starting from scratch. I can't say whether any of the 12 Step programs actually help people. The 12 Step program may be a cult, may be its own religion, may or may not contradict the teachings of the Church. My inclination right now is to just push the whole thing aside for a time. I have to find my own voice.

What sets apart a great artist from a bad one, or one who is merely mediocre, is authenticity. A poet learns his craft from the model of other great poets, but eventually he has to write the poem that only he can write. The artist who compromises loses integrity. Trying to please everyone, or relate to all, pleases no one, and no one can relate. Paths to Grace is the practice of Catholicism. It's the understanding that there is the family of origin, and there is the Family of God, and Jesus has clearly commanded that His family comes first. Only the primacy of relationship with Him can heal. That is the thing to work on first. That is where I must start.

In my family of origin, and even in the extended family, my voice has repeatedly been silenced. The message is that I should not want attention. I should not feel/believe/act/think/speak without approval. I am not unconditionally valued. If any truth is spoken to me, it is spoken in the absence of grace, and so I further withdraw from certain relationships. I am tired. Tired. Tired. Tired of feeling guilty and not knowing what I am guilty of. Perhaps I am guilty of not being perfect. I am not playing my hero role. I can't beg and plead anymore. It is demeaning and crushes my spirit. Why do we insist on wanting relationships in which we are not wanted? Not only is the ball no longer in my court, I'm off the court. I'm not sitting on the witness stand. I'm closing the case.

Do over! There is but one Truth. That is my only goal. And God has given me a voice to speak it, and a Life in which to live it, as only I can do. Do not be silent. Do not go to your grave having never really lived. What a tragedy. What a comedy. What an empty stage. A rose has thorns for a reason. Find out what the reason is. Be the rose.

"I Understand That's How You Feel"

The title of this post is one of those tools used in Al-Anon for situations in which there is conflict one wishes to diffuse. You can tell the conversation is going nowhere good, or the argument is escalating. Often a person just wants to have his or her feelings validated. To avoid assigning blame, or allowing oneself to be verbally attacked, a phrase such as, "I understand that's how you feel" may take the heat out of the argument. I was so happy when a boyfriend who had once been in the Al-Anon program said this to me when I was upset about something. I thought, finally, a guy who understands how I feel! It is no fun when someone tries to talk you out of your feelings, or tells you that you shouldn't feel a certain way. So it would seem that this would be an effective response in a sticky conversation.

Except when it doesn't work. Recently a family member brought up a situation from 2010 in which she did not feel I had handled a problem well enough. Right away there is a red flag if past issues are being brought up, clouding the current issue, which should be the only one receiving attention. My effort to validate her feelings with I understand that's how you feel was rejected. Now not only was a minor problem dug back up from a year and a half ago, but I was then accused of using this Al-Anon tool as a way of not admitting I had done something wrong. She also refused to consider her part in the problem, circumstances which certainly magnified the situation for her.

If someone won't allow you to use your recovery tools, what do you do? I don't know. I did say I was sorry that the problem had occurred, but in hindsight, I might have refused to discuss something that has already been discussed and needs to be let go. At the root of much conflict are expectations. I did not meet this person's expectations that day in 2010. My response, "I understand that's how you feel," did not meet her expectations. And that is none of my business.

What I wish to do is to blog here every day, or most days at least, for awhile. See what solutions come to mind, and as an outlet for my feelings and frustrations. Sometimes what I write here does not meet the expectations of other people. They will even tell me what I should and should not write about. That is another big issue--control. Interestingly, every person who has voiced an objection is either an alcoholic (and/or depressed or mentally ill), is married to one or related in another close way, or both. Perhaps the topics hit too close to home. Ironically, the reactions I have gotten rather prove the points I am trying to make. The reader just may not get what I am attempting to discuss, or misunderstands my intentions, assuming the worst. Assume makes an ass out of u and me. And anger is spread around like a cloud of smoke, suffocating us all, and hurt builds upon hurt.

I really can't win. I can't just write about my life. My life. Or a topic of interest to me. Or express my opinion. And that's my point. No one wins in this toxic game of Who's On First. The need to control, or to be offended, or to assign blame is just too strong. When I read something I don't like, I just quit reading it. I don't show it to someone else and try to stir up trouble. I just figure it isn't any of my business and go on with my life. I wish others would do the same, but I have to accept that they are where they are in their spiritual growth, and I am where I am. To live and let live is a difficult art to master.

I have sometimes responded by editing my posts, or trying to clarify my intentions to these people. In other words, I have allowed the alcoholic/mentally ill/depressed person to pull my strings, the very thing from which I am trying to recover! Really, if these folks read this blog without knowing who wrote it, I doubt they would be offended at all. It seems to never be considered that I may be right about anything.

Well, I am done. I am writing what I write. It's time to get off the merry-go-round. It's time to stop having the crazy making conversations. It's time to stop allowing others to insist that I admit to doing/saying/thinking/feeling something wrong. My hope is that as I get better, others will get better, and what I write here will help someone else. That has been my only intention all along.

Riding Out the Storm

In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie talks about how to avoid being blown about by every wind. For those who are or have been affected by alcoholism or some other dysfunction in a loved one or in their family of origin, it can be difficult not to feel every bump in the road, as if we are suffering from permanent whiplash.

Remember the Bible story, a favorite of children, in which Jesus has fallen asleep on the boat with his disciples when a great storm suddenly begins to rage? His followers wake Jesus up, fearing for their lives. He comments on their lack of faith before quieting the storm. We codependents are not the type to sleep through storms. We are ever alert, ever vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop. If we can only catch it this time, before it hits the floor... We try to solve our problems on our own, without help, divine or otherwise. After all, we are the ones who hold everything together, get everyone to the storm cellar before the tornado hits the farm. But then we find ourselves still outside screaming, "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!"

Somehow we must learn to reside in the calm center of the tornado. There is a still place within the storm, and we need to be able to relax in the arms of God while chaos rages all around us. How do we do this? Prayer is the number one answer. Some people also meditate, fast, practice yoga, read the Bible. We need to take care of ourselves and stay in the present moment. If you look up and the sky is not falling, you are okay. Using the tools in the Paths of Grace for recovery will get us there, if we are consistent.

People usually say that it is more common to turn to God during the bad times and forget to pray during the good. But I think the opposite is just as common. When I get stressed out and caught up in a toxic situation, I sometimes neglect to turn to God with my concerns. I get caught on the merry-go-round to the point of puking, but I don't know how to slow it down. If prayer is your daily habit, you will be more inclined to talk to God in every situation, the good, the bad, the ugly--and the beautiful. In future posts I will begin to form a specific outline for Paths of Grace and then explore each path in detail. I hope you continue on this journey of recovery with me.